KAYLEE

You’re back at the beach with the three girls you called your friends, tracing imaginary circle into the sand which you stare at due to you laying on your stomach.

“You need sunscreen. You’re too pale, like— you look sickly.” Emma groans, throwing the bottle at Victoria. “Fuck you. Your mom likes me like this.”

You turn your head to watch them fake fight for a moment, but your eyes quickly become distracted as they move over to rafe. Him and a few other kooks sit multiple feet away from your group, drinking and laughing

With your cheek laid on your crossed arms you get a good enough view of him as he stands up, saying a few words to a boy beside him

“I’m going to the bathroom, okay?” You quickly get up before any of the girls even respond.

You’re feet move on their own as you follow in rafes footsteps, lurking behind him a few feet as he walks.

You lose sight of him as you move around the corner of the bathroom. With furrowed brows you look around only to have your arm grabbed. “The fuck are you doing?”

The familiar deep voice makes you turn to face the sound quickly. Your lips part but you’re unable to form a correct sentence as you stare up at Rafe.

“Kelce told me there’s some freak shit up with you.” His words are like a water hose of harshness, spewing from his mouth.

“I was… I was just going to the bathroom.”

“And following me to do it?” He lets out a scoff.

You shake your head quickly. “No. No, I—“

He doesn’t let you get your words out into the air before he’s talking, “I don’t know what’s up with you, but don’t involve me. I don’t want someone like you around me.”

This time you quickly shake your head like a bobble head. “Yeah— yes. I wasn’t even…”

“Good.” He shoves you away to open the door of the bathroom, slamming it shut behind him.

You have to do a walk of shame back to your friends. Wisely you avoid eye contact with the group of kooks for the rest of the day.

Your mom is— like always— not at home. She worked late almost every day to be able to afford anything since your father didn’t work— instead he chose to put all his focus onto drinking and whoring himself around.

You glare at the back of the man’s head as you navigate your way into the kitchen that opened up into the living room where he sat.

“You should learn— learn to ask. We pay for that food and you— you just— just take and take.” You roll your eyes at his drunken rambling.

“Mom pays for it, you mean.” It’s his turn to glare at you. “Watch your mouth when you’re talking to me, girl.”

You decide to listen to the command, keeping your mouth shut as you look through the fridge.

“The way you treat me. It’s— if I’d spoke to my father that way—“ you try to ignore his rambling, closing the fridge rather aggressively.

“Where are you going. Did I say—“ the door slams shut behind you and you quickly hop on your bike before he can follow up on his unsavory words by coming outside.

The trailer park was familiar as you bike your way through, smiling and waving at Mrs. Darcy on the way who used to babysit you every so often as a child.

It was relaxing to get away and just roam through the island on your bike instead of staying home.

You could see something in the road faintly up ahead which makes you slow down. “Oh my god.” You quickly get off your bike to move over to the hurt bunny, more in the road than you safely should be.

It was still alive by the small little noises it makes and the rise and fall of its body but its leg looks messed up. “Cmon.” You didn’t know whether to touch it.

You look up only to see a truck far too close to you. “Shit—“ you try to scramble out of the way and they luckily stop before hitting you.

You’re breathing heavily and halfway out of the road when the door of the truck opens. “Holy shit, rafe. You almost ran someone over.” The name sends a shiver through you.

The other door opens to reveal the mentioned rafe. “It’s not my fault she was in the middle of the fucking road.” He lets out a huff.

He groans at the sight of me. “It’s the chick— I think she has a crush on—“

You let out a squeak, impulsively pushing topper before he steps on the bunny. “Stop— stop. You’re going to hurt it.” You kneel down beside the bunny.

“Oh for fucks sake.” The boy says as he looks down.

“If my father found out about this, he’d kill me.” Rafe says about him almost running you over. “Shit man, you took like three lines. It’s not fully her fault.” You look up to see rafe glare at him.

“I have to help it. It’s hurt.” You’re still focused on the bunny. “What the hell happened to it?” Topper crouches beside you.

“Can you both get out of the road? I’d rather us not have a repeat of what just happened.” His words go ignored by you and topper.

I go to pick it up, “Wait— wait. Don’t get it’s blood on you. You don’t want herpes or some shit.” Topper says. “Rafe give her your hoodie.”

“Fuck no, man. This was expensive.” Topper gives him an unimpressed look and he groans, pulling it off. You turn just in time to see the glimpse of skin that appears for a second as his shirt pulls up.

You luckily catch the fabric barely as he throws it at you. “Cmon.” You whisper to the animal, picking it up with the fabric. It spooks it for a moment before it relaxes.

“I can’t bike and hold it.” I say. “That’s too bad, isn’t it?”

“You almost hit the girl, give her a ride.” Topper quickly follows up rafes words.

“Why don’t you ride her if you’re so quick to defend her.” Rafe shoots back and your face heats up in embarrassment.

Topper grimaces. “Ew, man. What the hell.” You only become more embarrassed.

“Please? I just want the bunny to get help. I’ll— you can drop me off the second we— can you take me to a place it can get help?”

Rafe sighs and hesitates for a moment. “Fine. Only because I don’t want to hear toppers bitching.”

He makes a disgusted look for a second once you follow topper to the car. “You’re making me let a pogue in my car.” You can hear the mumble to topper as he puts your bike in the back of the truck.

It felt insanely weird to be in his car and you find yourself looking at every inch to memorize it.

You watch him google places on his phone before putting the address into the GPS. “You’re making us take a long ass drive for that thing.” He motions towards the animal.

You defensively cuddle the bunny closer to your chest. “It’s hurt. I wasn’t going to leave it.” Saying a full sentence to him makes you heat up a dark red color.

He rolls his eyes and looks forward as the truck starts.

The car ride that ensues is awkward and quiet except for his rap music playing from the radio. It— in fact— did take a long time before he stops in front of a building.

“Im not driving you home. Do you have a ride? I have better things to do than sit here.”

“Oh.” You shift on your feet where you stand halfway out of the vehicle. “I… I mean. I can get one, I think.” You didn’t know if you could bribe Emma to drive all the way here to pick you up.

“Give her your number or something, dude. Incase she doesn’t.” Rafe glares at the boy beside him, almost having a silent conversation with their eyes.

Rafe seems to collect himself for a moment before he puts his hand out. You quickly fumble to find your phone without dropping the animal in your arms.

You hand it over, trying to not send yourself into a spiral as his hand brushes yours. You felt dizzy as he puts his number into the electronic before handing it over. He sends a message to himself so he knows who it is.

“Don’t do some freak shit with that. Only if you can’t get a ride.” You nod quickly. “Thank you.” You close the door behind you, watching as they drive away.

Luckily you were able to snag a ride on the way home from Emma who had an endless amount of questions for you.

“He willing drove you?” You scoff at the words. “It’s not like I could like… force him. It was mostly toppers doing when it comes to forcing him.”

“I knew me and Vic were right when we called him hot.” Your nose scrunches up into a disgusted face. “But he’s going out with one of the kooks— Rafe’s sister.”

“That’s so insane. Who would willing let their best friend date their sibling?”

“Who knows, girl.”

“You can so rub this in the girls face. Your wet dreams are finally coming true.” She grins at you.

“Why the girls?” She grimaces. “Well they’re not the most… unamused by it.”

You frown. “What do you mean?”

“Listen: I support you. Dream big, but I believe in you, you know? Vic and Janice just… think it’s funny.”

“Oh.” You say, glancing out the window.

“You got his number?” She changes the subject.

You nod, looking over at her.

“This is where you booty call him.”

“Ew!” You grin at her. “I’m not even going to think about calling or texting him. He specifically told me not to.”

“Well, duh, but that doesn’t mean you have to listen.”

————————————————————————

Loneliness is a fickle thing. It cradles your body and strokes your hair as you sleep. It becomes your friend after a while. Even when you look in the mirror and it stares back challengingly, daring you to leave it behind, It claws at your skin the second you begin to walk away. It’s a deranged ex that refuses to let go.

It feels like forever that you’d been laying on your bed, limps tucked close to your body.

All of your friends were so caught up in exam prepping that there was barely any time for hang outs over the past two weeks.

You force your body to move, crawling up to your headboard, laying your head onto your pillow.

Taking your phone off the night stand, you turn it on, and your thumb almost has a mind of its own. For a while you flip through photos of you and your friends which somehow turns into being on Rafe’s instagram.

The boy posted like a typical frat boy: gym pictures and golf mixed in with a few random photos of parties or hang outs.

You shift on the bed, thighs pressing together. Your hands seem to be on autopilot as one hand gropes one of your breasts while the other holds the phone near your face, paused on a photo of rafe.

A shaky breath falls from your lips as a finger circles your nipple through your thin t-shirt.

The fondling only lasts a few seconds before your fingers become greedy, trailing down to cup your mound through your shorts, grinding the palm of your hand down against your clit.

Your breath comes out unstable and quick while your chest rises and falls beneath your shirt.

Sliding your shorts and underwear down your legs, you abandon your phone for only a moment before it’s back in your hand.

As your fingers circle your bud you can already feel the wetness between your folds.

For a moment you could imagine your fingers were Rafe as you sink one finger into the wetness. His name falls from your lips breathlessly.

Your bottom lip gets stuck between your teeth, stifling any noises that slip out.

The pleasure makes you completely ignore the ache in your wrist from holding up your phone.

“More, please. Please.” the words come out as whispers and you just imagine the words he would come up with. “Yeah? Does my needy girl want more?”

You nod to no one in the room as your eyes fall closed, slipping in another finger. “There we go. You like that?”

Small whimpers fall from your lips followed by the occasional gasp or moan when you hit the gooey spot inside of you.

Your fingers curl, hips grinding up against the fingers inside of you. “Is my girl getting greedy? Come on, just for me.”

“Rafe.” you gasp, head falling back against your pillows, eyes squeezing shut once your body tenses up, pleasure pooling around your body.

Small pants come from your mouth as you come down from the high, dropping your phone beside you. For a minute you sit still, staring at the ceiling, a sense of disgust curling around you and making home behind your ribs for a moment.

Finally you get up, cleaning yourself up, taking a long bathe before curling back up in bed.

Exams had approached and disappeared slowly and unbearably. It sucked all of your energy away, making it harder to bear a day of work, but you managed with too much caffeine and the type of desperation that ended with you searching up affirmative videos online every night.

Emma drove all of you home in her beaten up hand me down of a car right after the bell finally rung at the end of the day.

School had only ended exactly forty-five minutes ago and a sense of freedom has already been invoked in us all. “We have to party tonight. I heard from a birdie there’s a party at Vanessa’s house tonight.”

“You talk about it like we survived World War Two, not junior year.” Victoria rolls her eyes, “Same diff.”

You stretch out on Emma’s bed your spread across, stealing almost all the space except for where Janice sits beside your right leg, flipping through a magazine.

“How do you even hear of all these parties? It’s not like your exactly popular.” You prop yourself onto your elbows to address the brunette on the floor. She’d freshly died her dirty blonde hair a dark brown color.

“I have my insights.” Victoria shrugs before quickly adding, “I’m friends with this girl from my calculus class that tells me. Way cooler than us.”

“So we show up uninvited to everything?” Emma says. “Pretty much. Everyone does though. I saw cadence at a party. I’m pretty sure her only friends are her mom and the art teacher.”

“She used to be my best friend in kindergarten, don’t be rude.” Janice hits her gently on the back of the head which results in her getting flipped off by Victoria.

“You should be so grateful for me. Without me you would have no beer and no parties.”

Emma flips through her closet on the other side of the room, completely ignoring the other two girls and their bickering.. “I’ll supply outfits and escorting, obviously.”

“Thank god it’s not Janice. I don’t want to dress like a newly divorced teacher.” Victoria gets up to stand beside Emma.

“Rude.” You hear Janice mumble.

As you look up at the ceiling you slump an arm over your eyes to hide from the light above. “Do you think Rafe will be there?”

A chorus of sighs follow, exasperated at the boy being brought up. “There’s not a party in the outer banks that Rafe Cameron doesn’t show up to.”

“Get dressed.” A pair of shorts and a shirt are thrown at you.

You hang onto Emma’s arm as you move into the house, pushing through groups of people with small apologies.

The bass seemed to rattle the floorboards, creating a weird sensation under your feet. It smelt like a scent that could only come from packing teenagers into one house— like cheap beer, regrets for tomorrow, and the faint smell of body odor.

“Jaden!” Victoria almost trips over her feet to detach from the group, leaving the three of you behind.

“He’s not even hot.” Janice grimaces. “Definitely not.” You agree. “He’s cute in like a nerdy way.” Emma adds on.

Emma leads you and Janice to the kitchen to grab drinks, making a disgusted face at a couple already making out in the corner.

“Like honestly they were basically dry humping!” Janice grumbles as you move out of the kitchen. You let out a laugh, nudging her, “gross.”

“Don’t even. If rafe—“ you glare at Emma, shushing her with a quick grumble to be quiet. You glance around, making sure no one was paying enough attention to catch Rafes name on her lips.

Emma obviously finds the reaction funny according to the laugh that falls from her lips. You roll your eyes at her.

A stinging feeling rolls down your throat after you take a sip of the mystery substance in the cup you carry. You make a small disgusted noise. “Cmon, drink up. No one ever drinks for flavor.”

“i’m still not used to it.”

“You drink every party we go to, you should be.” you flip emma off, glaring at her, but you still follow after them.

Your breath hitches as you get to what appears to be the living room, finding Rafe sat at the couch, a powdery substance on the coffee table in front of him.

Doing something so low and desperate he still looked like a god to you, utterly cool in a way that felt like you could grasp at every edge to try to climb up to his level and never reach it.

“This would be a very good opportunity to talk to him, you’d just have to commit to… you know, drugs.” Janice says sarcastically. No response comes from you for a moment as you stare at him.

Finally you clear your throat and look back at them as Emma hits you on the shoulder. “I would.” It’s half serious and half a joke.

They only catch onto the joking side of it obviously by how they laugh.

You watch as he holds back a brunettes hair as she snorts the powder in front of him. “Let’s go, yeah?” you practically shove emma and janice in the other direction before you do something like puke on someone’s poor moms plant.

You spend the party doing what you usually do, sulking and staring at Rafe.

“I’m going to try to find a clean bathroom.” You announce to Janice and emma. “You could always piss outside if it comes down to it.”

“Gross.” you mumble for the second time of the party directed at janice. “Generous offer but i’ll pass.”

The house feels humid and sticky as you move your way upstairs, almost slipping on a spilt beer on the stairs. “Assholes.” You mumble to yourself.

You scope out the multiple doors, trying to make a good guess on which ones might lead to the bathroom.

The first one lead into a room with a group of people. The room is hazy and smoky and you quickly get told to shut the door which you do.

Obviously not the bathroom.

You weren’t prepared at all for the sight when you move two doors down, opening it. “Yo, get the fuck out!”

As your gaze flickers to the bed you quickly come to regret it at the sight of the brunette girl from before on rafes lap, her shirt discarded. “oh my god.”

“Are you deaf or something?” He puts the girl out of his lap to move to the door. You look up at him, feeling small and more embarrassed then the two were. “i—“ the door is already shut in your face.

Luckily the next door you open is the bathroom. You hunch over the toilet, completely forgetting about the germs as you empty your stomach into the porcelain, gripping the sides of the seat.

It takes that and a few dry heaves before you sit back, pressing your back against the bathtub. You curl your fingers into your eyes as your hands cover your face, hoping to be able to erase the mental image.

You sit there for two long before you flush the toilet, rinsing your mouth out.

You find janice and emma but you quickly move past them, grabbing another cup of alcohol. “What happened?”

Taking a long sip of the drink, you shake your head. “I want to get so utterly fucked up tonight.” You put your drink down to grasp janice’s shoulders.

The party ends up with you being dragged into your bathroom at the end of the night by janice and emma, lacking victoria who went home with Jaden.

“i told you to stop three drinks ago.” Janice grumbles as she holds your hair back.

“My moms going to be so pissed about you throwing up in my car. I might kill you when your sober.”

“It’ll—“ a dry heaves leaves your mouth. “fine.” your words come out slurred and you look over at emma with red eyes.

“Fine, yeah?” she repeats sarcastically. “Don’t even. Were going to talk about this when your sober.”

“Like full on intervention style?” Janice adds on.

“Fuck off.” It’s followed by you vomiting into the toilet.

The three girls trying to question you about yesterday barely works.

“God forbid i drank too much. Your always talking about how we need to have more fun.” A finger gets points at Janice.

She scoffs in return. “You were on the verge of crying the entire ride home.”

“I was on the verge of puking.” You sit up on the floor where you’re sat, the girls on emma’s bed.

“Fine. Whatever. This is stupid.” Janice gets up, rolling her eyes. “You can drink however much you want.”

“Fine.” you repeat. “I will.”

You’re only silent for a few more seconds before you groan. “I caught Rafe basically minutes away from having sex with someone.”

“oh.” Emma covers her mouth. All the girls grimace.

“Well, okay. How do you know they were going to do that?”

“She was half naked and on his lap. Pretty good indicator.” you mumble sarcastically, looking down at your lap.

They’re silent for a moment, obviously not finding the words to be supportive. “Okay, yeah, i would’ve drank that much too.”

“I can’t get it out of my mind.” you groan.

“How about—“ Emma moves to sit in front of you. “We have a movie night and i’ll steal some of my moms weed?” she grins.

It only takes a moment for agreement. “okay, yeah.”

Janice claps her hands, “Thank god. She wouldn’t even steal some for me when i asked.”

“Because you’re just greedy. She’s sad. It’s different.” Emma says. “Whatever.”

————————————————————————

The building was a stifling environment of retirees complaints and golf buddies. It was filled with false politeness and business talk.

You’d been willing to take up the job at the country club. Your parents needed the money and in their words you were almost an adult and needed to step up to the plate whichever one that might be.

You roll your eyes, rubbing your temples like it was possible to reach the simmering headache underneath. “Apparently their food was cold.” The words come out mocking as you slide the plate onto the table.

Paul sighs— he was a polite older man with long black hair and a slight stubble. He was practically in the same boat as you with the need of money just with two added daughters and a wife.

You didn’t exactly click with people easy but had easily given in to his dad jokes and smoke tainted voice. Being as alone as you were most of the time when it came to the parent department, he’d turned into a sort of father figure to you.

“Of course it is, thanks sweetheart.” Your elbows lean against the counter, watching him easily go about cooking the food.

“Welcome.” You mumble back with a smile. “It’s unbearable how many complaints we get a day.”

“I’ve been passive aggressively scolded twice today.” The two fingers raised on your hand matches the words.

“Going for a new world record, huh?” He lets out a small chuckle at his own words, glancing over his shoulder at you.

“Has Greg been givin’ you trouble about it?” The words mentioning your boss receive a sigh and shrug from you.

“When is he not? Genuinely, at this rate I might be getting fired by Friday.” You grumble, taking one of the finished dishes, slapping on a smile.

You approach your table. “Made just for you, ma’am.” The older ladies enjoyed your company, but everyone else didn’t as much. You locked up too much around the teenagers and you didn’t know how to talk to men easily.

Once you sit down the order at the table your elbow is grabbed. “Babe.” You’d worked with Beatriz for near two months and she intimidated you too much to ever try for friendship. “I’m clocking out, can you take my table?” She motions towards one of the tables in the corner.

You nod. “Yeah. Of course.” Greg always didn’t schedule shifts correctly and sometimes left a gap between when a shift should be covered— so you’d be waiting until Josh appeared.

The boy was nice enough that you’d formed a sense of friendship in the time you’ve been here, so that was a small plus of working here.

She grins at you before practically scurrying off to get outside to her boyfriend that always picked her up.

You’d watched multiple times as you started your walk home on the days you and her closed up— he drove this beat up red car that probably meant more to him than it was worth. He walked around like he thought he was a hundred times more important than he is and carried a nauseating smell of cigarette smoke and leather everywhere he went.

You go about your rounds for another few minutes, faking smiles and politeness— everyone seemed to play a charade in the building and you were unfortunate enough to join.

You’re coming back from the kitchen when stop in your tracks. At the table you took over for Beatriz had three boys: rafe, topper, and kelce. They must’ve came in while you were grabbing another dish to bring to a table. They came in all the time but you’d never had to serve them before by mere chance and luck.

The idea of quitting on the spot does run through your head for a moment— Greg would not miss you that much as a worker.

You smooth out your outfit as if you were physically straightening your nerves. In for four, hold for seven, and out for eight. Or something like that— your mom had taught you to do it when you were young and couldn’t go a day without getting physically sick to your stomach from anxiety.

It takes you another few seconds before you approach. They’re amidst a conversation. “It was crazy, dude. Like— her ass—“ you cut in quick deciding you’d rather die than hear the rest of the words that were about to come from kelce.

“Um, hi— hi. Um… what can I get for you today?” Your cheeks burn a sudden red once they turn their heads towards you, obviously not looking the happiest about being cut off.

Kelce drags his eyes down your body once before rolling his eyes like he’s not found anything interesting.

“We have— so most people really like—“ you don’t get far into your words before you’re interrupted by a seemingly disinterested topper. “Just get us beers will you?”

Your lips part, thinking over your options of words. “You’re… um… so…” You pause for a moment. “Well… you’re all not twenty-one, so…”

A scoff comes from one of them. “The waitress we usually gets never has a problem.” A halfhearted whisper follows, “dude, probably because of how good I fucked her,” and they all find it very funny according to their laughs.

You shift on your feet, picking at cuticles of your nails. “I really… I can’t… they’ll get mad at me.”

A mean grin makes its way onto rafes lip, “oh, they’ll get mad at you, huh? We can’t have that, can we?”

“You can make your own decision, cmon. We won’t tell.”

You worry at your bottom lip for a moment. “Is that it?” Smug grins spread onto all of their faces. “That’s all.”

You disappear for a moment, closing yourself into the workers bathroom for a good few minutes before grabbing the drinks and handing them out to the three. “That’s all we need you for.” It’s dismissive.

“Oh.” You don’t move quick enough for topper obvious so he does a small shooing gesture at you. “Are you just going to keep staring or leave?”

You quickly get the hint, scurrying off to finish up your shift.

“Okay, but he acknowledged you. That like… that’s a step into the right direction right?” Janice says, seemingly trying to be positive with her words.

We’re all sat in a circle on Emma’s bedroom floor. It was usually our designated spot to hang out since her house was on the nicer side and her mom made these amazing charcuterie boards.

“Is your boss going to be pissed at you though? I mean, you’re not exactly his favorite.”

You shrug, rolling your eyes as you lean back against the bed frame behind you. “Which is so dumb. I’ve done nothing to him, mind you. He just has it out for me for no reason.”

“I’ve said you should quit multiple times. He’s a dick.” Victoria sips on her milkshake between words.

“I need the money or I would.” You drawl imaginary shapes on the floor with your finger tips. “It’s not exactly my favorite place in the world.”

“Your parents are dicks too—“ Emma cuts her off, “Victoria! Don’t say that!”

Another shrug comes from you. “They… try.” Is the best answer you come up with.

“We know. It’s all not that bad, right? We’ll be adults in two years and we can all get a really shitty apartment together.”

“And go to the beach everyday.” Janice adds, “and go to the beach everyday,” to satisfy Victoria.

You nod as she wraps her arm around your shoulder for a moment before you nudge it off, never really liking the idea of being touched for long.

“Just two years, yeah? And maybe rafe will notice you by then and you’ll get married and have babies—“

You cough on your sip of water, “Gross. Don’t say it like that.”

“That’s what you want though, right?” Your red face speaks well enough for itself.

“As I said.”

You’re cut out of your thoughts at the sound of victorias voice saying your name. “Huh?”

“You’ve been staring out the window for the last two minutes.” You finally find your eyes back to hers, tapping your pencil against the homework you’d barely started in front of you.

“I get you have eye candy, but we need to get this done.”

“That’s not even close to— I wasn’t—“ the words stumble out over your mouth and she gives you a knowing look.

“So the sight of seeing rafe golf does nothing for you?”

Your eyes fall back on him— always with his friends. He’s wearing a polo— a light blue color that fits way too perfectly around his arms— black shorts, and a backwards hat. He seems to be bickering with kelce.

“Nothing. Nope.” Her eyes narrow at you before she rolls them. “I’ll let you lie this once because not a single person ever would believe you.” She points her pencil at you.

“If I fail because you refuse to look anywhere but at rafe I will have to take extreme measures.” It draws a small breathy laugh out of you.

“I’m listening, I am. Just maybe go all the way over what we’re trying to do again.

Luckily the teacher had been nice enough to let people pick their partners so you were able to have someone you’re used to. You’d been stuck in enough awkward assigned partnerships before to know it didn’t work well with you.

She rolls her eyes for what seems to be the millionth time since you both got here and re-explains the project you both got assigned to do.

“I can’t believe we have to do this and revise.” Victoria grumbles out and a groan escapes you. “I know.”

You take a few glances at rafe every so often but still you try your best to participate on working on the assignment. “You have to kind of admit toppers kind of hot.”

“Ew!” Is what falls from your lips due to victorias admission. “No, like… not even a little.”

“Come on.” She draws out the last letter. “Like if you squint a little. He’s hot.”

“I thought you and Jaden were on dating level now.” Jaden was a black-haired pale boy with glasses. Victoria and him had both been in an art class together and started talking.

“God, it’s not like he has a lot of options and yet he’s so avoidant with me. Like look what’s in front of you, duh!”

You copy something off her paper. “He’ll come around. You’re like— amazing and beautiful. He’s insane to not acknowledge it.”

PLAYLIST

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

“You’ve been staring off into space for the past ten minutes, you still with us?” You force a smile at Janice— one of your few friends— nodding. “Sorry. I actually spend my time reviewing for exams coming up unlike you.”

“I got genuinely like… two hours of sleep last night.” Not a lie just a cover up for the fact you’ve been staring at Rafe like a lost puppy since you got to the party.

Janice rolls her eyes. “We’re meant to have fun. If you ask me, really exams are just a way for them to hold back teenagers from just being themselves and doing what we’re supposed to do— partying.“

“You do realize that makes no sense, right?” You only receive a shrug back.

A finger nail with chipped nail polish inserts itself between your teeth. You couldn’t help yourself, throwing another glance at Rafe. A wave of nausea overtakes you at the sight of the blonde he now had glued to his side.

She was insanely pretty, like one of the many girls he surrounded himself with sometimes that you spent so much time dissecting.

You didn’t want to be that person really, spending so much of your time trying to figure out flaws about other people to make yourself feel better. Maybe if you could find multiple flaws that meant Rafe was fine with people with them— maybe he could like you.

“M’ gonna go find another drink.” You abruptly announce to your friends. A chorus of agreements and byes follow.

You move away from the three girls, mumbling apologies to people as you pass.

You were already three drinks deep and a light weight, but really, what could one more hurt— it wasn’t even like you were fully drunk yet. Definitely not enough to be black out or anything concerning.

You’re mid sip of your newfound drink simply trying to find your friends again— they must’ve moved— when you let out a small gasp as you knock into something. “Oh, shit—“

“What the fucks wrong with you? Can’t you watch where you’re going?” You could recognize the voice considering how much time you spent obsessing over it. “Im—“

The words couldn’t form in your throat as you stare at him and he gives you no time to compose yourself before he’s dusting himself off, shoving past you. Your face turns a bright red as you hear the sound of him and his friends— topper and kelce you’d learned from asking around (more so begging your friends to find out)— laughing.

The noise rings in your ears as you stay in place for a moment. Being so close to him was worth it for a moment in your brain.

“What’d he say?” Victorias voice quickly comes after Janice’s once you find them. “We were watching and just—“

Your head shakes, flipping the tab on your beer. A glance over your shoulder follows before a shrug.

“It didn’t exactly look— just, babe…” Janice moves the hair out of your face. “He’s a dick.” You share your second forced smile of the night before nodding.

Silence sticks to you the rest of the party, standing sort of like a ghost beside your friends for the night.

Still in the car as Emma drives all of you home you sit in your own thoughts. She was the first to get her license and became the designated driver of the group.

“Have a good night, yeah?” You nod at Victorias words. “Night.” Emma shares a pitiful smile with you before driving away.

After flipping on the lights in your bedroom you plop down on your bed onto your stomach. You lean your head and arms off the side to pull the journal out from under your bed.

The lace trimming feels soothing under your fingers.

Flipping open the book you move past the few other papers that describe any amount of interaction you’ve had with Rafe— the one time you’d sworn he’d looked at you only to glance behind you at the girl waving at him. The one where you’d been brave enough to follow one of his social medias before quickly unfollowing.

Really, you were working with nothing.

Dear Diary (I’m trying to be official now),

Rafe ran into me tonight. His shoulder felt very broad and it felt comforting for a moment to be against him. It feels like my skin is still tingling. His response was very rude, but that’s just how he is. His voice is very nice. I wish I could bottle it and keep it with me.