6.25.15
Current status could best be described as empty bottles and sunflower seeds.

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@endofdayreport
6.25.15
Current status could best be described as empty bottles and sunflower seeds.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Corporate America
Monday - 9 AM
Employee 1: [to everyone, minus Employee 2] Employee 2 is horrible and mean and hostile.
Employee 3: [to Employee 2] Hey, between us, Employee 1 is saying these horrible things about you to everyone.
Monday - 2 PM
Boss 1: [to Employee 3] Employee 2 told me you forwarded the email from Employee 1. Her feelings are hurt. Don't do that again.
Employee 3: Ok
Monday - 7 PM
Employee 3: [text to Employee 2] Hey did you tell Boss 1 that I told you what Employee 1 said?
Employee 2: [text to Employee 3] never!
#repeat
6.9.15
my dog has been laying with his face on my iPhone for the last hour listening to a taylor swift playlist on repeat
that horrible moment when you meant to email the president of your company, regarding a serious client issue, but accidentally send it to the vp of the company you were discussing.
that wonderful moment when your best friend texts you "honestly it’s mostly their fault for having such a generic common name like brad"
you must be careful of your thoughts, they settle in your bones and you carry them with you

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well maybe you shouldn't have had so many of those safe sex talks when we were teenagers
what not to say to your grandchildless mother
c: everyone keeps asking me this reincarnation question
l: i know
m's answer was my favorite bc it's just so simple, "a dolphin. have you ever seen a sad dolphin"
c: she obviously never watched "the cove"
l: oh god no she hasn't
c: so a dolphin living nowhere near japan
l: a better question would be, what animal would you chose if you still have your human brain and all your memories...if you woke up one day and you were an animal
c: yesss
l: b said panther and i told her "but you have to eat like them...tearing raw animals apart" and she says "well i could build a fire"
c: with her huge panther paws?!?!
l: she doesn't know about the importance of opposable thumbs
c: no
l: her thoughts are that her human brain would fig something out
she's now changing to english bulldog
c: ENGLISH BULLDOG?
l: yea cause she says humans feed english bulldogs human food
c: do you get to decide if you are a domestic dog or is it just up in the air....like you will be a dog but who knows
l: no i'm saying you can chose
c: ok, that's good to know....wouldn't want b as some feral dog out in russia or something
l: in a documentary bc her and her pack raised some abandoned baby
c: to use it for it's opposable thumbs
recently, my work sent out an email to the girls. yes my work has an internal [email protected] email group. this particular email stated “there are too many tampons being flushed and the toilets are clogging, therefore, from this point forward do not flush one single tampon. you are to wrap your used tampon in toilet paper and put in the little trash can in each stall. there is a cleaning crew that will empty these trash cans every evening, so do not freak out about it smelling like period”.
so after taking the appropriate time to discuss the inappropriateness of even sending emails like this, i professionally reply “you get a diva cup and you get a diva cup…and YOU GET A DIVA CUP!!!” i almost immediately get an im from my coworker jen saying, “we’re doing this, just bought one on amazon”
three weeks later she comes strolling in my office singing “guess what i've got in me” as she jumps around and starts doing lunges. my office mates, or as jen has nicknamed them, the sisterwives, just stare at her horrified. obviously that evening i head to cvs, and heeding jen’s recommendation of “don’t be a hero, get the disposables to start with” I buy a pack of 10 soft cups.
a couple weeks later i read the instructions, watch the online tutorials, find the reviews, and then text jen for any last minute tips.
she replies: are you drinking wine?
me: yes, of course
her: how romantic
for the most part the reviews are spot on. yes getting it in and situated was super easy. no, there was no pain. and besides having the irrational fear in the beginning that if i sneezed i might carrie all over the place, it was perfectly fine.
except, the removal. per the instructions, it's a simple hook and pull job with a possible bear down involved.
in reality:
just hook your finger under the rim and pull, easy enough.
nope.
oh, bear down so your pubic bone moves. hmm.
nothing is moving.
bear down...
re-position? nope
stand up in silence for a minute and stare at your bathroom floor.
decide on a wine break.
re-read the directions.
more. wine.
pep talk time: you just need to relax, you are too tense, you can do this.
go back with confidence.
lose said confidence.
sit silently on the toilet for an undetermined amount of time.
think about who you can call to get this out of you.
spend too long thinking about how different people in your life would respond to a “hey, so i’ve got a cup of blood that i can’t get out of my body, can you come help?” text.
give up and decide you will just live with this in you forever. it’s fine.
sit on the couch and drink more wine convincing yourself that it's fine. you don't even care. this cup will just be a part of you now.
have a staring contest with your dog.
become just drunk enough to feel like your dog is judging you.
go try one last time and by some magical combination of hooking, bearing down and pulling get that fucker out.
feel so happy. you have never been this happy.
realize bear down must mean get really fucking drunk.
text your best friend “i almost asked you to come over here and take out a blood cup”
would you rather
l: did kate ask you the 'be blind or marry joey' would you rather
c: no
oh she just did...i agree with you
l: thank you
c: blind is forever, marriage is not
l: said 50% of america
c: said my parents
a few times
l: yesterday she asked if i would rather punch a baby or kiss joey, and i picked kiss joey bc i am not going to punch a child.
and she said "not in the face, you're gross"
i'm still not punching a child
so then she says "oh it doesn't have to be hard, like tap them" well the question wasn't "would you rather lightly tap a child or kiss joey"
c: i'm just picturing you lightly tapping a baby with all mad face
l: and hers are too personal...like it should be stuff that you would never really have to do
c: oh yea
l: and the fact she would rather hit a child says a lot to me...yes, i'd rather sacrifice my hygiene for the safety of some innocent child
then she gets all 'you nasty' on your answers and it's like i am not saying i want to marry joey! i'm saying if the only other option is to go blind then yes, yes i would do it TO AVOID GOING BLIND
c: LOLOL
l: it's interesting to me that joey is her end all of grossness
considering her past
#justsayin
i'm fairly new to losing people so i'm still surprised. well maybe everyone is surprised, i don't know. but i did know that rolling the silverware at thanksgiving alone would be hard. i knew christmas would be hard. i had prepared for every wedding and birthday and significant day to be hard.
what i didn't know was that a crock pot of nacho cheese would rip my fucking heart out.
solid black with a glass lid, always on the corner counter right by the blender. we'd all come in from playing and she'd start handing out the plates, and that's it. no grandiose tale. no big event or spectacular moment. just me and my cousins, sitting at the breakfast bar eating her nachos.

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i work my ass off, come in early, leave late. get the biggest account in the office. get the invite to the meetings. a seat at the table.
there is a problem. not one i created but i have a solution. so i come in early, leave late. handle it.
the CEO comes in and tells me i did a great job. and then he hugs me.
he hugs me.
i don't need a fucking hug. how he thinks that a hug in some way validates the work i've done is beyond me. that i give a fuck if i get a hug. that somehow i feel special because i got a hug for doing a good job. honestly, unless there is some secret place where i can cash in the hugs and starbucks gift cards for an equal wage, i'm not interested.
9.10.14
my boss asked me to film her doing squats because she wants to be an internet fitness star
8.8.14
a job in sales, with mostly men, means a lot of nicknames: pirate, circle k, mad man, the ho.
it also means if you sit in the wrong chair, the president of the company may point in your direction and say “i thought the ho had a solution to this”