recently, my work sent out an email to the girls. yes my work has an internal [email protected] email group. this particular email stated “there are too many tampons being flushed and the toilets are clogging, therefore, from this point forward do not flush one single tampon. you are to wrap your used tampon in toilet paper and put in the little trash can in each stall. there is a cleaning crew that will empty these trash cans every evening, so do not freak out about it smelling like period”.
so after taking the appropriate time to discuss the inappropriateness of even sending emails like this, i professionally reply “you get a diva cup and you get a diva cup…and YOU GET A DIVA CUP!!!” i almost immediately get an im from my coworker jen saying, “we’re doing this, just bought one on amazon”
three weeks later she comes strolling in my office singing “guess what i've got in me” as she jumps around and starts doing lunges. my office mates, or as jen has nicknamed them, the sisterwives, just stare at her horrified. obviously that evening i head to cvs, and heeding jen’s recommendation of “don’t be a hero, get the disposables to start with” I buy a pack of 10 soft cups.
a couple weeks later i read the instructions, watch the online tutorials, find the reviews, and then text jen for any last minute tips.
she replies: are you drinking wine?
for the most part the reviews are spot on. yes getting it in and situated was super easy. no, there was no pain. and besides having the irrational fear in the beginning that if i sneezed i might carrie all over the place, it was perfectly fine.
except, the removal. per the instructions, it's a simple hook and pull job with a possible bear down involved.
just hook your finger under the rim and pull, easy enough.
oh, bear down so your pubic bone moves. hmm.
stand up in silence for a minute and stare at your bathroom floor.
pep talk time: you just need to relax, you are too tense, you can do this.
sit silently on the toilet for an undetermined amount of time.
think about who you can call to get this out of you.
spend too long thinking about how different people in your life would respond to a “hey, so i’ve got a cup of blood that i can’t get out of my body, can you come help?” text.
give up and decide you will just live with this in you forever. it’s fine.
sit on the couch and drink more wine convincing yourself that it's fine. you don't even care. this cup will just be a part of you now.
have a staring contest with your dog.
become just drunk enough to feel like your dog is judging you.
go try one last time and by some magical combination of hooking, bearing down and pulling get that fucker out.
feel so happy. you have never been this happy.
realize bear down must mean get really fucking drunk.
text your best friend “i almost asked you to come over here and take out a blood cup”
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