Its been a while since I look through a friend’s ig and realize how far in life they’ve achieved and honestly i find it hard to admit that others are moving on toooooo fast paced in comparison to myself. 

Time and time again, I remind myself. To each their own journey. 

So once again, i console and compose myself. 

قدّر الله ما شاء فعل 

Bismillah, been sooo long since I pen down my thoughts.. Been pushing myself to do journaling but to no avail. So here am I, utilizing the social media for goodness inshaAllah.

There's a couple of things that I can't seem to express or share. Or even if I do, I feel the need to pen it down. Largely, for my benefit, and if its benefits anyone then Alhamdulillah. K i'm rambling unimportant stuffs.

Some background, I recently joined a new company that heavily prioritizes our purpose in this world and a child's nature to be inclined to find the truth ie Allah. Initially, I had my doubts as I thought a child as young as 3 years old are incapable of doing so, as they are just starting to make sense of the world.

Another background, I attended a course some time back and they shared on the ayah:

وَإِذْ أَخَذَ رَبُّكَ مِنۢ بَنِىٓ ءَادَمَ مِن ظُهُورِهِمْ ذُرِّيَّتَهُمْ وَأَشْهَدَهُمْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِهِمْ أَلَسْتُ بِرَبِّكُمْ ۖ قَالُوا۟ بَلَىٰ ۛ شَهِدْنَآ ۛ أَن تَقُولُوا۟ يَوْمَ ٱلْقِيَـٰمَةِ إِنَّا كُنَّا عَنْ هَـٰذَا غَـٰفِلِينَ

And ˹remember˺ when your Lord brought forth from the loins of the children of Adam their descendants and had them testify regarding themselves. ˹Allah asked,˺ “Am I not your Lord?” They replied, “Yes, You are! We testify.” ˹He cautioned,˺ “Now you have no right to say on Judgment Day, ‘We were not aware of this.’ (Surah Al-'Araf Verse 172)

and it's extensive explanations and implications.

So what is it?? That I'm trying to say?? So this post is really just my thought process. Haha, if I were to do this in my mind I think I wont be able to conclude. See now I'm rambling again. Astaghfirullah.

I am trying to connect these two, and make sense of it. So when Ustaz Mahdi Lock, translator of various Islamic books including books written by Sheikh Ramadhan Al-Buti in his Halaqah session mentioned that us humans, a part of us will always feel empty, as though some thing is missing (No matter how much we fill it in with love, work, distractions, entertainment and so on) We will not find it through materials, We will only find it through the Zikrullah.

If you were to tell this to me.. maybe even a year back, I'll be rolling my eyes, coz sis have heard this a lot of time. But somehow this time.

It clicks.

Our souls have been yearning for Allah from the moment we make that promise (from the ayah: alastu birabbikum). We are waiting to reunite with Allah. Even as young as 3 years old.. A part of us knows, a part that we ourselves are not able to comprehend.

Allahu, such a beautiful ni'mah that Allah has given us.

I have been struggling to keep my Iman in check, from my clothings to the perfumes and the entertainment. And what is the best and most important form of Zikrullah - Remembrance of Allah? Solat.

Moving forward, not some extravagant/far fetched resolution.

Is to Perfect my Solah, it is grand the eyes of Allah.

Reminder to self x10000000000000

رَبِّ اجْعَلْنِي مُقِيمَ الصَّلَاةِ وَمِنْ ذُرِّيَّتِي ۚ رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلْ دُعَاءِ رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيَّ وَلِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَوْمَ يَقُومُ الْحِسَابُ

Ouh Allah, make me an establisher of prayer, and [many] from my descendants. Our Lord, and accept my supplication. Our Lord, forgive me and my parents and the believers the Day the account is established.

Met Girl(1), no idea how to react. Guess im still the bad guy in this scene.

Detaching myself from all thats precious to me.

Truth is i dont deserve anyone in my life.

Finding peace

I ruined

1) Friendship of Girl(1) and Friend 1,2,3

2) Friendship of Boy (1) and Friend 1’s brother

3) Friendship of Girl 1,2,3 and mine

There’s no excuse. I shared things that could hurt so many people. It wont be a problem just if i keep quiet and not mind anything at all. Such a bad person..

Honestly, unsure if there were any events that happen in school that lead me to those questions.

I brush off those qustions in the name of religion. Little did I know we were encouraged to have this kind of talks, to know our real purpose.

Fifteen plus/minus years later, Today.

Confronted those questions again but with much critical thoughts. Why am I alive? Do i deserve to be alive?

Feel

Like

i shd record down when i’m feeling suicidal. If it gets better - be proud and help me understand myself better

I thought it would last forever, we would get married, have a family.

“I did love you once”

That is the line i couldnt bring myself to say

The simple truth was, I dont think she ever loved me

And i dont think i ever stopped loving her

- Those who cant, Teach (2017)

“I doubt I’ll ever miss this place.”

And yet I did.

Imam Ibn Qayyim r.a. in his book The Garden of The Lovers and the Excursion of Those Who Yearn, said: “Allah has made eyes the mirror of the heart, so if the servant lowers his gaze, his heart lowers its desires, and if he lets his gaze loose, his heart lets its desires loose.”