Poiēma

I swallowed my pride over and over until it finally clawed it's way up my throat and I couldn't stop spouting out all of the incoherent but obvious obscenities that painted you as the true monster you are. My gut always knew. My acid reflux fought me to tell the truth. My self worth didn't know it at the time, but it would be my saving grace. It would finally say no after many failed flight attempts at launch. I have a strength deep inside of me that has been questioned for all of eternity, but she backed me up and went to bat for me when I needed it most. She protected me when I couldn't protect myself; when I doubted every last second of my decision and cried my heart out into an ocean just begging someone to hold me because every minute that brought me to this awful story has just been craving--needing a warm body next to me. I needed love and trusted that the devil would give it to me. She, this strength, wiped off my tears one by one and promised me with all sincerity that I can be patient because I don't have to be taken advantage of to be loved. I don't have to sell myself for pennies for any intimacy. I don't have to bite my tongue until it bleeds to keep the air level or to calm my racing heart in the face of danger any longer. I don't have to be someone's surrogate, punching bag, or false security blanket. I don't have to be used. This woman--this strength--came from deep, deep down inside of me and looking back I can hardly believe I am her. But I am here on the other side of what is, let's call it what it is, domestic violence and I am so proud of the woman I was, the woman I am, and the woman I am becoming.

i still miss being in love. i'm not anymore, i can say that with conviction now. i don't have to prove my love to anyone any longer; a habit that was drilled into my very core. i am not in love but i often regret leaving an unhealthy attachment. it often felt better than no attachment at all. there is nothing like being out here in the wilderness, being stuck behind a screen. i am with a lot of people but they have no hold on me. i am loved but it is not the same as intimacy. something about not having family, a lover, or friends who don't have a professional tie makes my world feel unreal. i have been dissociating often these days, because it's hard to be here unattached. most days i am full here with myself, but there are remnants of the past that creep up on me when i least expect it. they haunt me often. i think there is healing in ridding myself of this, but cleaning these wounds has been hell.

Just a reminder to myself when I want to question if I was the crazy one.

I have not fought this hard for this woman to give up on her so soon. I will believe I am worth more than the way others have treated me. I am worth more than the way the system has diminished me. I am worth more than one million tons of gold, than the most precious of heirlooms.