This might have Tomplications

Time for some reflection. This blog turned one today, which means I did not know what my second name would be a year ago. In a week my name change will be official. I will get a new passport that has the right names and gender marker on it. What an insane, but awesome idea. A year ago I could only hope I would be this far now, now I know where I am and I can retrace my steps back in time. My life is only going to get better from here on. My final exams are not too far away and after those I will be able to make some money and study some great things (namely words and rocks). I am three weeks on T today. At the same time a lot and very little has changed. I feel much better, but also a bit groggy. I have daily flashbacks to (the start of) my first puberty, which is a weird experience to have. I can experience moments of bad dysphoria (yes getting misgendered by strangers once you start T stings more than pre-T) and complete euphoria all in the same day. I am so happy I get to experience this and I am looking forward to the future, though that scared me a bit too. Even though I know my future will be better than without T, there are many things I can’t anticipate and those will remain scary.

A couple of months later, it looks as though my parents will indeed be giving me a second name. Not Tom though, probably Liam or James, both good. This life is a wild ride.

The taste of the word slowly disappears. The sound bounces of the walls. Tom, Tom, Tom. I stare into my own eyes. They look dead. My face is pale, paler than it has been in months, but my cheeks are slowly regaining colour. I let out a sigh. The mirror is at perfect height. My face and shoulders are masculine enough. They look like me. A bit boyish maybe, not like your typical sixteen year old, but still, me. The word hits home. Vaguely, yes, but home none the less. I hope to trick my parents into using it. I hope to trick them into thinking they came up with it. I hope they will start calling me their child, not their daughter. That they will stop referring to me as "a girl", with female pronouns, because let's face it, I have never been a Proper Girl. I am a person, maybe a guy or man, and I am Emrys, I might be Tom.