Trigger Warning

some art i made recently. (by recently i mean i’ve made all these in the last 3 days because i can’t sleep so i just draw)

so basically shortly after my last post i got sent to a psych inpatient and then to an ed hospital which i spent 2 weeks at and decided i wanted to leave so i left, than less than a month later i ended up back in the er and then a psych hospital then an ed residential then back to the er than back to the other ed hospital and was there for a month and got released and now i am home and doing online php during the day.

i have no friends that care that im basically telling ppl im gonna kms and like very seriously. my parents are stupid or oblivious or just dont wanna face the reality that their kid is so fucked up that she’s spent the last 10 years thinking about dying.

even though they have tomorrow off and will be home all day they will not say a word to me until i drag myself out of my room (usually around noon) and even then. there has gone days where i didn’t leave my room for anything but the br for days. i wasn’t eating or drinking. i just stayed in my room and slept and cried and binged watch tv that i wasn’t even actually paying attention too.

ig it’s finally hitting that i’ve succeeded. a while ago i thought that people would stop caring about me if i just stop talking or being at all a good person to be around. im just miserable all the time and no one wants to be around someone so miserable. and it worked. even my “best friends” don’t actually care. they have other friends and lives and reasons to keep going without me. and i can finally see that. i’m the one ruining their lives by being a part of it. i think of how many people would be less hurt if i had just succeeded the first time i tried.

which ofc i’m conflicted about.

cause on the one hand if they don’t know then they don’t know and i can continue to let myself get worse.

no one talks about how fucking hard it is to be one of the only underweight person in your family. to preface i’ve been skinny my whole life, like right out of the womb i was sick and skinny and when i was little they tried all these things to make me gain weight and it never really worked and eventually they gave up because i was healthy enough.

pretty much the rest of my family would be classified as overweight, though it’s not something that is focused on because obviously having more weight to you is not bad or anything in fact it’s definitely more healthy than i’ve ever been. i’ve never been fat phobic at all my friend group, the people i’ve dated, my family it’s all quite diverse as i’ve never been one to become friends or fall for someone strictly based on looks. all of this is to say that despite not ever having any bad thoughts about other people having more weight to them, and despite me having always been under weight, at some point i still developed an eating disorder.

the when is a bit foggy for me because it’s been a long time and it’s been off and on, i know i was really struggling with it in end of 8th grade into 9th grade, but i was struggling with everything, i was hospitalized a few times during this time, i was being heavily medicated, and despite all of it nothing was getting better. i remember that i “became vegetarian” i started doing dance and walking everywhere, and i was barely eating. i would just sleep the minute i got home cause i was exhausted. i would literally only eat lunch at school and i wouldn’t barely ever finish it. i don’t remember when that period ended but around covids start i was smoking weed A LOT so i was eating more and i did gain weight and for a while was doing fairly good, i was at my highest weight ever, which bothered me a bit but i avoided it by getting high and doing everything to avoid weighing myself, which my parents scale had broken recently so it was much easier. but all in all i think i was doing better overall, or at least avoiding thinking about it.

and then i got kicked out in 2021 and had to move a state away with my dad. now i love my dad and step mom. but there were reason i didn’t live with them. while they cared a lot more about me than my mom or step dads, they showed it by like always wanting to be around me. like we watch tv together p much every night, i give them a hug goodnight p much every night, i go with them to p much everything mostly cause i had nothing else to do. i had no friends where my dad lived, and it is a weird area. i had to wait until the next school year to start at the school nearby. so i basically went months (like february to september) barely leaving my house. i did online school and after school i would watch tv with my dad cause he worked from home. i would sometimes visit friends from my old town or school but not much. and they didnt know i smoked so what i did have i had to hide from them and i never had much because i no longer had a job or knew people who sold stuff. so ofc everything got really bad again. i relapsed on everything. my ed, sh, i started stealing my parents liquor or hard medication, just everything turned into a shit show.

but anyways september rolls around and i decided to basically give myself one more chance. do senior year and if nothing changes i was planning on ending it. but i really gave myself the chance you know? i dyed my hair, i learned how to do make up and dress nice, i got a part time job, i got a dealer in town, i got clean off everything else but weed and nic(including my sh and kinda my ed, as long as i smoked i ate type shit) and i put my all into senior year. and you know what? it worked. i made a bunch of friends, my teachers liked me, my classmates always commented on my outfit or make up. i was getting known in the school. by the beginning of march i even got a girlfriend. i did lose my job because it literally closed down 😭, but overall i was doing better than i had been in a very long time. at least i thought i was anyways. i mean i had some moments at were hard but everyone does. but i really was having hope for my life and future and i had a plan. but then ofc as everything does, school ended.

i lost everyone, first slowly and then all at once. it started with people not really talking to me much after graduation but i still had a good group of friends and a girlfriend and we would go to parties and do random shit and just have fun. and then i got a full time job because my dad said i needed to get one. and just like that it seemed everyone was busy when i was free and when everyone was free i was working. i lwky started to get miserable again. only one of my friends still regularly wanted to hang out, i hardly ever saw my girlfriend and most of the times i did see her other people would always end up invited over or “showing up” we barely ever were alone and the times we were alone she just wanted to fuck. i just wasn’t happy anymore but i still loved my girlfriend and i still had at least a few people who cared about me so i kept myself together as much as i could.

and then just as 2023 started i learned the truth. the my girlfriend was cheating on me and had been for a while, with one of our best friends, and they had both been lying to me for months. not only lying to me but lying about me, which i learned is why a bunch of people stopped talking to me. apparently i was going around that me and my (very straight and not at all my type) best friend had been cheating on her the whole time. basically that i was a nasty cheating liar and that i was a horrible person. ofc i didn’t learn about this from them tho, i learned about it from one of their friends that i shared an art class with. literally telling me that my girlfriend was telling ppl we weren’t together anymore and that she was with her new boyfriend ( they made their official start dating date the day that would of been our 10 months 🥲)

so that all exploded and ended and ofc i was the only one left crushed and heartbroken and alone. it was back to i live in a house with people who don’t really know me in a town where i know no one and there is nothing keeping me here. except the one person who stayed. my one friend that apparently loves me and cares about me and is literally the only thing keeping me here.

but i’ve gotten so bad, sometime in october of last year i hit fuck it and relapsed, again on everything. my ed, sh, i am drinking again, except now it’s legal which prolly makes it worse, i way over dose pills i take to sleep because all i want to do now is sleep and yet its the one thing i seemingly can’t do without help. im destroying my body, im in a constant brain fog, and i just simply don’t care. im just waiting until my body gives up. waiting till i don’t wake up one day. i dont want to be here anymore. i dont care about anything i used to care about. but still the only thing keeping me here is the only person who apparently gives a real fuck about me despite me showing her i’m a bad person who she shouldn’t care about. like i feel like it’s obvious that she should give up on me. but she refuses and it’s actually to the point where she basically is saying that if i die she dies. idk how true that would be, but now ofc it’s the biggest fear i have. like i have nightmares about it. all the time. and no matter how much i try to push her away and be an asshole to her she won’t let me go. idk what to do anymore. i can feel my body being physically affected from what im doing to it, like im in pain all the time and i can’t think straight or function properly anymore. all i want is to give up but i can’t because of her. i fear its making me hate her more than i love her. it makes me wish that none of those good things ever happened senior year because if they didn’t then i would probably be already dead and i would have all this shit on me. everyone’s expecting me to live a life and have a plan for the future. but all i want is to not be a part of that future. i can’t do or plan anything because i just don’t care anymore. i’m just over absolutely everything and everyone.