some art i made recently. (by recently i mean iāve made all these in the last 3 days because i canāt sleep so i just draw)
i⦠uh⦠havenāt been doing good. at all. i donāt know how much longer iāll be here.
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@emptyfeelingsposts
some art i made recently. (by recently i mean iāve made all these in the last 3 days because i canāt sleep so i just draw)
i⦠uh⦠havenāt been doing good. at all. i donāt know how much longer iāll be here.

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hey guys. so itās been over 4 months since my last post and a lot has happened but also nothing at all.
so basically shortly after my last post i got sent to a psych inpatient and then to an ed hospital which i spent 2 weeks at and decided i wanted to leave so i left, than less than a month later i ended up back in the er and then a psych hospital then an ed residential then back to the er than back to the other ed hospital and was there for a month and got released and now i am home and doing online php during the day.
itās weird that everyone knows now and so much has happened to me in the last couple months that iām just completely lost. i donāt know what i want or need. i just feel stuck. so much of me wants to relapse. iām just so tired of trying. some times i think itās easier to give up and let someone else take control. but idk what my parents will do if i end up back in the hospital. i know they are already so done with my shit. but like i canāt help it. i donāt want to get better. and iām so tired of pretending that i do. idk maybe ill just start eating less again and if my doctors say anything theyāll have to tell my dad not me. or iāll just start eating less and get sick again because thatās the only thing that feel right. god im such a mess i literally hate myself
i relapsed really bad last night. or can i call it a relapse when itās almost every day that iām cVtting. my arms hurt, my leg hurts, my head hurts. and at least for today i have to keep the act up. tn might be my last. iām preparing to either d!e or go to a hospital. i donāt think i can do the hospital again tho⦠but i prepared myself. iām going to spend the day with my parents and try to have a good day despite the pain im in. i just want what might be their last memory of me to be good. but itās going to be hard. they want to go to a food truck festival so thatās going to be hard for me since eating anything has been so hard for me. but iām going to do my best. i think im okay with my decision. i feel bad on the timing. a week before fatherās day, a week before my friends 21st birthday, a week before i said i would go to my other friends for the summer. but i just canāt. iām so tired. i have no fight in me anymore. and i canāt keep doing this. so if things go right this might be my last post. but iām ngl im a failure and have failed at every attempt ive made so ig thereās still a chance i get sent to a hospital. and if this happens i donāt know what i will do. i just canāt keep living like this. i canāt do it anymore
BIG TW this is a huge vent post so like ignore it
honestly i canāt even act like recovery is ever going to happen for me. no one cares if i recover. i donāt care if i recover. even when i try i just see why it doesnāt matter if i do or not. i relapsed on sh back in october and not a single soul has noticed. and itās only gotten worse. i relapsed on my ed, ive lost over 10 pounds when i was already really underweight. im 5ā7ā and never weighed more than like 115 lbs. iām 96 now⦠but no one has noticed⦠im struggling so much and no one really cares. even the people who know donāt care. theyāve given up. i have too. the people that donāt know just think im being lazy and rude and ungrateful. but i just donāt want to be here anymore. i havenāt wanted to for a long time and im just tired of pretending and pushing through when i donāt want to. iām supposed to go to my friends house for 2 months in like 2 weeks but idk if i actually can. iām doing so bad rn. iām barely eating or sleeping. iām miserable and im just not a good person to be around but idk how to say any of this to any one. so everyoneās just expecting me to be able to do shit and i just canāt. iām supposed to have 4 paintings done before i go to her house. and then once im there im supposed to do 2 murals for my mom. next weekend is my friends 21st birthday and im supposed to have a painting done for her and i havenāt started. iām supposed to be a camp counselor again but i can barely stay on my feet, im dizzy all the time and im always out of it and my arms are covered in scars. idk what to do. this is all so overwhelming and i donāt know what to do. what am i supposed to do. at this point i might just kms next week but then im horrible for doing it so close to my friends birthday. i just dont know what to do and i feel so alone and hopeless and lost. iām just tired of feeling like this all the time. iām so tired.
TW EATING DISORDERS
iām at the lowest weight iāve been all year. honestly the lowest weight iāve been since last october when i got down to 94 for a little bit. iāve been tracking everything so obsessively but it still surprised me to see im under 97 without completely st4rving for days. ig the intermittent fasting and calorie deficit does its job. but idk⦠whether i should be proud or disappointed. i work so hard to keep me under 100 but when im there i feel no better. iām just so tired of all this and im so tired of ppl not caring. like i feel if one person showed that they actually give a fuck about me i might find a reason to get better but there isnāt. iām dealing with so much physical and mental issues rn and no one seems to care. they are all content watching me fall further but itās gonna catch up to them when i dont wake up..

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realizing if i 0v3rd0s3 right here right now no one would notice for at the very least 12 hours. no one would be able to āsaveā me then. itād be way to late.
i have no friends that care that im basically telling ppl im gonna kms and like very seriously. my parents are stupid or oblivious or just dont wanna face the reality that their kid is so fucked up that sheās spent the last 10 years thinking about dying.
even though they have tomorrow off and will be home all day they will not say a word to me until i drag myself out of my room (usually around noon) and even then. there has gone days where i didnāt leave my room for anything but the br for days. i wasnāt eating or drinking. i just stayed in my room and slept and cried and binged watch tv that i wasnāt even actually paying attention too.
ig itās finally hitting that iāve succeeded. a while ago i thought that people would stop caring about me if i just stop talking or being at all a good person to be around. im just miserable all the time and no one wants to be around someone so miserable. and it worked. even my ābest friendsā donāt actually care. they have other friends and lives and reasons to keep going without me. and i can finally see that. iām the one ruining their lives by being a part of it. i think of how many people would be less hurt if i had just succeeded the first time i tried.
iām just so tired⦠i just dk if i can keep going anymore. iām so fucking tired.
thatās it. iām done. iām so fucking done. i cant stand being alive anymore. i hate living so much. iām a horrible friend, daughter, human. why wonāt they just let me die. please just let me go. i canāt do this anymore. i should be long dead by now. iām so tired of everything. thereās nothing keeping me going. iām slowly watching myself die because i donāt take care of myself but idc. i want it to happen faster. i canāt do this anymore i cant. if you never hear from me again yall know why. duces āļø
The pain I don't say out loud, builds a home inside me.
Olivia Gatwood
Joy Sullivan, from āThese Days People Are Really Selling Me On Californiaā,Ā Instructions for Traveling West
Having mental health struggles is already exhausting, but having too much empathy on top of that just breaks you in quiet ways. You carry pain that isnāt even yours, overthink every word, and feel responsible for fixing things you didnāt even break. Itās like bleeding from your own wounds while trying to bandage everyone elseās. I donāt know if anyone else feels like this, but if you do⦠I see you.

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had a talk with my parents yesterday that showed me they really havenāt noticed how bad iām doing.
which ofc iām conflicted about.
cause on the one hand if they donāt know then they donāt know and i can continue to let myself get worse.
but on the other hand iām at the worst iāve been in a long time and the fact that they think im completely fine right now is kinda disappointing. but idk who im more disappointed with, me or them. :/
TW SH
just prolly had the worst relapse on sh that iāve had in a while⦠or maybe ever. i did more than usual⦠and i think went deeper. and in multiple areas. i tried to distract myself from it but then it was 3 am and it was all i could think about. it was keeping me up and all i want to do is sleep. idk⦠im just doing so bad right now i dont know how much longer i can keep going : /
idk why iām deciding to vent about this particular thing now but i am TRIGGER WARNING for edās and sh and prolly just general self image issues or prolly other shit idfk
no one talks about how fucking hard it is to be one of the only underweight person in your family. to preface iāve been skinny my whole life, like right out of the womb i was sick and skinny and when i was little they tried all these things to make me gain weight and it never really worked and eventually they gave up because i was healthy enough.
pretty much the rest of my family would be classified as overweight, though itās not something that is focused on because obviously having more weight to you is not bad or anything in fact itās definitely more healthy than iāve ever been. iāve never been fat phobic at all my friend group, the people iāve dated, my family itās all quite diverse as iāve never been one to become friends or fall for someone strictly based on looks. all of this is to say that despite not ever having any bad thoughts about other people having more weight to them, and despite me having always been under weight, at some point i still developed an eating disorder.
the when is a bit foggy for me because itās been a long time and itās been off and on, i know i was really struggling with it in end of 8th grade into 9th grade, but i was struggling with everything, i was hospitalized a few times during this time, i was being heavily medicated, and despite all of it nothing was getting better. i remember that i ābecame vegetarianā i started doing dance and walking everywhere, and i was barely eating. i would just sleep the minute i got home cause i was exhausted. i would literally only eat lunch at school and i wouldnāt barely ever finish it. i donāt remember when that period ended but around covids start i was smoking weed A LOT so i was eating more and i did gain weight and for a while was doing fairly good, i was at my highest weight ever, which bothered me a bit but i avoided it by getting high and doing everything to avoid weighing myself, which my parents scale had broken recently so it was much easier. but all in all i think i was doing better overall, or at least avoiding thinking about it.
and then i got kicked out in 2021 and had to move a state away with my dad. now i love my dad and step mom. but there were reason i didnāt live with them. while they cared a lot more about me than my mom or step dads, they showed it by like always wanting to be around me. like we watch tv together p much every night, i give them a hug goodnight p much every night, i go with them to p much everything mostly cause i had nothing else to do. i had no friends where my dad lived, and it is a weird area. i had to wait until the next school year to start at the school nearby. so i basically went months (like february to september) barely leaving my house. i did online school and after school i would watch tv with my dad cause he worked from home. i would sometimes visit friends from my old town or school but not much. and they didnt know i smoked so what i did have i had to hide from them and i never had much because i no longer had a job or knew people who sold stuff. so ofc everything got really bad again. i relapsed on everything. my ed, sh, i started stealing my parents liquor or hard medication, just everything turned into a shit show.
but anyways september rolls around and i decided to basically give myself one more chance. do senior year and if nothing changes i was planning on ending it. but i really gave myself the chance you know? i dyed my hair, i learned how to do make up and dress nice, i got a part time job, i got a dealer in town, i got clean off everything else but weed and nic(including my sh and kinda my ed, as long as i smoked i ate type shit) and i put my all into senior year. and you know what? it worked. i made a bunch of friends, my teachers liked me, my classmates always commented on my outfit or make up. i was getting known in the school. by the beginning of march i even got a girlfriend. i did lose my job because it literally closed down š, but overall i was doing better than i had been in a very long time. at least i thought i was anyways. i mean i had some moments at were hard but everyone does. but i really was having hope for my life and future and i had a plan. but then ofc as everything does, school ended.
i lost everyone, first slowly and then all at once. it started with people not really talking to me much after graduation but i still had a good group of friends and a girlfriend and we would go to parties and do random shit and just have fun. and then i got a full time job because my dad said i needed to get one. and just like that it seemed everyone was busy when i was free and when everyone was free i was working. i lwky started to get miserable again. only one of my friends still regularly wanted to hang out, i hardly ever saw my girlfriend and most of the times i did see her other people would always end up invited over or āshowing upā we barely ever were alone and the times we were alone she just wanted to fuck. i just wasnāt happy anymore but i still loved my girlfriend and i still had at least a few people who cared about me so i kept myself together as much as i could.
and then just as 2023 started i learned the truth. the my girlfriend was cheating on me and had been for a while, with one of our best friends, and they had both been lying to me for months. not only lying to me but lying about me, which i learned is why a bunch of people stopped talking to me. apparently i was going around that me and my (very straight and not at all my type) best friend had been cheating on her the whole time. basically that i was a nasty cheating liar and that i was a horrible person. ofc i didnāt learn about this from them tho, i learned about it from one of their friends that i shared an art class with. literally telling me that my girlfriend was telling ppl we werenāt together anymore and that she was with her new boyfriend ( they made their official start dating date the day that would of been our 10 months š„²)
so that all exploded and ended and ofc i was the only one left crushed and heartbroken and alone. it was back to i live in a house with people who donāt really know me in a town where i know no one and there is nothing keeping me here. except the one person who stayed. my one friend that apparently loves me and cares about me and is literally the only thing keeping me here.
but iāve gotten so bad, sometime in october of last year i hit fuck it and relapsed, again on everything. my ed, sh, i am drinking again, except now itās legal which prolly makes it worse, i way over dose pills i take to sleep because all i want to do now is sleep and yet its the one thing i seemingly canāt do without help. im destroying my body, im in a constant brain fog, and i just simply donāt care. im just waiting until my body gives up. waiting till i donāt wake up one day. i dont want to be here anymore. i dont care about anything i used to care about. but still the only thing keeping me here is the only person who apparently gives a real fuck about me despite me showing her iām a bad person who she shouldnāt care about. like i feel like itās obvious that she should give up on me. but she refuses and itās actually to the point where she basically is saying that if i die she dies. idk how true that would be, but now ofc itās the biggest fear i have. like i have nightmares about it. all the time. and no matter how much i try to push her away and be an asshole to her she wonāt let me go. idk what to do anymore. i can feel my body being physically affected from what im doing to it, like im in pain all the time and i canāt think straight or function properly anymore. all i want is to give up but i canāt because of her. i fear its making me hate her more than i love her. it makes me wish that none of those good things ever happened senior year because if they didnāt then i would probably be already dead and i would have all this shit on me. everyoneās expecting me to live a life and have a plan for the future. but all i want is to not be a part of that future. i canāt do or plan anything because i just donāt care anymore. iām just over absolutely everything and everyone.
i just want this to be over
i feel like my feelings about anything are normally just not important to anyone. as long as i say im doing okay it doesnāt matter. even if im showing obvious signs of not being okay, i mean i must be at this point. like i do so much to make sure everyone around me is happy or whatever, but no one cares about me. like this is just the example from today but my mom gets home, i ask her if she wants me to cook something to eat, she asks for noodles, i make the noodles, make a bowl, give it to her, she takes two bites and puts it to the side. but not even 20 minutes later she was eating chips?? like i just donāt get it. and she puts her bowl just next to her taking up the other cushion making it so i canāt sit comfortably on the couch. its priority to make sure they are comfortable when we are sitting out in the living room with their recliner and chaise lounge and i get the side of the couch with no side to lean against and no leg room. and its wouldnāt be an issue if i was the type of person who can sit regularly and be comfortable but i cant. i have circulation problems and joint problems and im in pain all the time. i dont even want to be out of my room because i hate leaving my room now, but i do it cause they want to sit together and watch something. and every time its a fucking chore to pick a movie or show and then we finally pick one which is almost never something i suggest, and almost every time i look at either of them their face is in their phones. like arenāt i the gen z phone obsessed age? why are they so obsessed with their phones. and if their phones are so interesting why am i sitting out here being uncomfortable when i donāt want to and it doesnāt matter anyways. they barely listen when i talk, all the time they say something or ask something and im like i literally just said that. like literally JUST said that. i dont get it. they say they love me and care about me but they dont seem to care about what i do or say or whether i am happy or healthy or comfortable. that doesnt matter. obviously. iām just so tired of doing all this day after day. i canāt get myself to do anything i used to like doing. i literally sleep all day and take sleep meds to do so. but as long as i tell them my day was good right? i donāt know why i pretend to care. i just donāt care anymore. about anything it seems. but itās okay cause no one really cares about me and they are right to do so cause thereās nothing here to care about anymore. i just hope everyone continues to let me die. cause thatās what it feels like atp
me when i organized a bottle of pills into rows because im trying to convince myself not to take all of them right now. do you think 51 is enough. i wish it was even. 51 isnt a good number. but this isnāt supposed to be good. i shouldnāt want this but i crave it. it would be so easy. pop some pills. fall asleep. and hopefully never wake up this time. i crave it. no. it feels even more powerful than a craving. i yearn for it. i need it. iām so tired. 51 is all it would take. 51.

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found this today. i also realized today that itās been around 10 years that iāve felt like this. i donāt know if ive been happy for one day in the past 10 years. if i have i canāt remember.. i just want to stop feeling like this but idk how. i donāt even know who i was before. i donāt think i could ever get back that person. i donāt think ill ever be really happy. iām so tired.
Why should I fight for a life I don't even want?