Shouting into the Void

My dad left. He asked mom for a divorce. And then left. I've never seen them foggy before. They've always slept in the same bed. Mom was bawling which is how I found out. This family doesn't cry unless something really bad happens. She came in and told me he left and wants a divorce. He's back now. But he's on the couch. My family did this thug when faced with a problem we leave to be alone to think. He took off on his motorcycle. Mom took off on a walk. I took off to another city to meet up with my boyfriend. I was bawling my eyes out the entire way. Then I saw him and I felt calm. Like everything was going to be okay. He hugged me and asked what was wrong and when i told him the pain behind his eyes was so sad. But he took me in his arms and kissed me and kept telling me it was all going to be okay. He drove us to the river and walked around. He's so calming. I can be me around him. He's real. He makes me laugh. He turns me on and always wants to make sure I have whatever it is I want. He's into the same things as I am. We have similiar kinks. He said he wants to marry me. We're going have a farm so he can grow his crops and have chickens and one cow and two kids. And 4 acres of land worth his friends on a 4 acre plot nearby. He listens and wants the best for me. He's perfect. He asked me to move in with him if it gets too rough with the divorce. I actually considered it. He's the best and I would totally marry him tomorrow if he wanted me to. Oh! He doesn't believe in divorce, just like me. And he wants to renew his vows every year and continue dedicating his life to me. He wants me to have my career and not give up on my dreams. He said he could stay home with the kids since he has to be hone with the crops anyways. He's the best thing tho happen to me in a long while. 5 hours with him feels line 5 seconds. All I want to do is be with him. All the time. He's calming. He takes care of me and brings me presents. If I need anything, he's already there with it. He's great. So great I'm afraid to fuck it up.

Getting parts for my car is NOT an appropriate time to ask me for my number, auto parts guy. NOT a good time. Or ever really when unprovoked or unreciporcated flirting happens. Leave me alone. Do not come onto me. Do not flirt with me. Let me get my windshield wiper hoses and leave me be. Also, try to sell me the correct belt tensioner the first time!!! Ugh. Sorry. Rant over.

Sophie. Trevor. Luke. Lux. Sophie. Trevor. Luke. Lux. Sophie. Trevor. Luke. Lux. Sophie. Trevor. Luke. Lux.

He’s out of prison. He’s out of prison. He’s out of fucking prison….

I really miss calling you my Sir.... I miss being your babygirl...

Ever get that feeling that you want to just not exist anymore. I don't want to die but it'd be nice to not exist for a while.

I can't try to be with him unless I see him first.

I'm afraid once I find my life partner, they are going to reject me because I am still a virgin...

I remember things we did. Well, things he did and I stupidly went a long with. I remember his red hair and his right ear lobe piercing. I remember him taking my hand in church, taking me to the front, sitting on our knees and pledging ourselves to God. Him, for the first time. Me, for the last time. I remember many things and many things I should forget. Right? I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look in his eyes of possessiveness. The feelings of being unwanted and confusing this as love. The feeling of being held tightly and told I’m loved when I know it’s the last thing this is. The feeling that I can’t leave him. My parents they were there. They knew of the situation. But they also knew if they told me to stay away I would crawl even closer to him. Half the times he touched me I didn’t want but I gave him permission still. Thinking this was the love of my life. Our first kiss was on church property. We were walking with some friends and they all stopped, looked at him, and took off running. He grabbed my hand pulled me in for a hug. He put his arms on my shoulders. I put mine on his arms, trying to keep distance, church property and all. He asked when I was going to kiss him. I jokingly said maybe never. He said how about now? I was already trying to go back to the chapel, at this point. He said we’re going to kiss now and started to lean in. I dropped my arms and stopped there, prepared to give him a little peck and leave back to my friends as I felt threatened. His grabbed my face pulled me close, going for a long deep sensual kiss. I pecked him and tried leaving. He said I was inexperienced. I giggled, grabbed his hand and walked off into church. For April Fools Day, he said he got another girl pregnant from his last relationship. I said “Okay, go be with her. We’re done here.” He grabbed my arms said no we’re not and told me it was a joke. That he didn’t get her pregnant. His sister messaged me on Facebook warning me away from him, as did one of his exes. I ignored them, thinking the ex was jealous and the sister was lying. I started catching him in lies. He got a tattoo. It was a barbed wire band on his upper arm that didnt connect because it would have been considered a sleeve. He wanted to be a marine. I was comfortable being a military wife, as my mom was. He went to boot camp, came back with “a leg injury”. Come to find out he had sleep walking problems and some mental disorders that wouldn’t allow him to be in the military. All the time he was dating me, he was fucking my best friend at the time and one other girl. For valentine’s day, he pulled me a weed flower from the ground and handed me the candy I absolutely hate. I’m not picky when it comes to romance and valentine’s day or anything but come on. At least try. He wrote me a letter once. I still have it somewhere. It explained to me why the first time he said he loved me was a lie. But that he loved me now. It makes me cry when I clean out things and reread it for some godforsaken reason. I can’t get myself to throw it away though. I remember his handwriting and how beautiful I thought his spidery letters were. I remember loving the words he used. He had a nice vocabulary, though he cussed a bit. I blamed myself for years. I still sometimes do. Sometimes I think back and regret it. But it’s turned me into the person I am now. And I guess that’s a good thing. Right?