Emperor Times on distant worlds

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## **POLICE REPORT – MULTI-AGENCY INCIDENT RECORD**

**File ID:** 41C-77G-GOLOMB

**Date Range:** Ongoing (Earliest Verified Entry: \~2831 BCE)

**Compiling Officer:** Lt. Joanna Fields, Special Incidents Bureau

**Agencies Notified:** FBI / INTERPOL / Department of Energy (?) / Department of Unidentified Persons (DUP)

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### **SUMMARY:**

This document compiles verified and semi-verified incidents involving individuals known as **Gargamel Golomb** and **Petra Golomb**, who have appeared repeatedly over the last 5,000 years in various global locations under multiple assumed identities.

Both individuals exhibit the following consistent traits:

* Total lack of verifiable birth records or national identity.

* Fluent in dozens of modern and ancient languages, often switching mid-sentence.

* Demonstrated limited access to or residual possession of unknown, non-terrestrial technology (most nonfunctional).

* Habitual impersonation of figures of power, divinity, or corporate authority.

* Unshakable commitment to elaborate and clearly fraudulent personal mythologies.

* Zero income, address, or employment history — despite claiming galactic or temporal authority.

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### **RECORDED INCIDENTS (ABRIDGED):**

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#### **Incident #0042 – Mesopotamia, \~2800 BCE**

**Description:**

Locals reported a “sky-cloaked emissary” (Petra Golomb) claiming dominion over the “River Civilizations Protocol.” Promised rain in exchange for worship and livestock. Rain arrived 9 days later (coincidental?). She left after a goat bit her.

**Outcome:**

Local legend interpreted her as a minor goddess. No charges filed.

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#### **Incident #0175 – Florence, Italy, 1478 CE**

**Description:**

Individual matching Gargamel Golomb’s profile attempted to join the Medici banking family under the name “Garcamelli del Golombo.” Claimed to have a future-proof investment scheme involving “vibrational coins.”

**Outcome:**

Chased out by armed clerks after suggesting paper money was a lie created by time demons.

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#### **Incident #1039 – Roswell, New Mexico, 1947**

**Description:**

Two individuals (confirmed visual matches) spotted near crash site, selling “gravitic rights to Earth” to a local diner owner in exchange for four slices of pie and a jar of pickles. Claimed Earth was “under celestial foreclosure.”

**Outcome:**

No charges. Diner owner now runs a cult. Pie unpaid for.

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#### **Incident #1844 – Santa Monica, California, 2023**

**Description:**

Petra Golomb found sleeping behind a Tesla dealership, claiming to be “Regional Terraforming Auditor for Luxury Evacuation Group Alpha.” Attempted to pay for lunch with an object described by witnesses as “glowing sand that hums.”

Gargamel Golomb spotted hours later at a nearby job fair insisting he was a "galactic recruiter" with openings for immortality trainees.

**Outcome:**

Both detained for 48 hours. Released after psychological evaluation ruled them “delusional but deeply committed.”

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### **CURRENT STATUS:**

As of latest update, the Golombs remain **at large** and have most recently been spotted:

* Attempting to enroll in a coding bootcamp under aliases “Gary G. Golem” and “Petronella G.”

* Selling “temporal protection insurance” to TikTok influencers.

* Posing as “independent galactic auditors” for a West Coast startup accelerator.

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### **RECOMMENDATIONS:**

* Do not engage in barter or philosophical debate.

* Do not allow them access to public speaking platforms, no matter how convincing their slides are.

* If approached, refer them to the **Department of Anomalous Persons Holding Queue**.

* Under no circumstances should they be allowed to start a religion again.

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### **NOTE:**

**Despite their grandiose claims and elaborate deceptions, they appear largely harmless — except to themselves.** The prevailing theory suggests repeated abandonment by advanced entities or networks due to unreliability, embarrassment, or weaponized incompetence.

Further observation is recommended.

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