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Iām at the race tracks visiting my friend and her horses, and I just thought hmmmm do we maybe need a clegan trotting racing aušš like imagine the thrill and the adrenaline and the tension?? And arguments and high pressure situations, money on stakes, high speeds, hidden corners in the barn, celebration kisses etc etcš¤
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thereās a cultural obsession with labelling all female authors as unintelligent or otherwise only capable of accidentally stumbling into brief moments of genius in their works that we need to start pushing back against
āI was always bothered when people say, āI cry to your music, it sounds like a diary, it sounds so personal,āā Mitski says. āYes, it is personal. But thatās so gendered. Thereās no feeling of, āOh, maybe sheās a songwriter and she wrote this as a piece of art.āā
(source)
feel like it's related to the phenomenon mitski's discussing here - if women's art is only seen as unfiltered diaristic emotion then of course it can only ever be accidental genius, never created with intention and thought
Feeling sad and hurt right now oh godā¦ I talked with my dad about phm this morning and whether it could be queer (he brought it up). Since we talk about queer topics a lot and heās gay himself I mentioned the aroace headcanon.
At which he sort of turned? Donāt get me wrong here, I love my dad and we get a long SUPER well and have a really good relationship. But I really thought heād be more inclusive and open to the concept of aromanticism and asexuality since heās queer himself.
I tried to present it like Grace can be interpreted as aroace, and depending on how you interpret set design/costumes etc, it feels like the filmmakers wanted that. But my dad was so resistant to the thought of aroace Grace.
He was like āwhy do you always have to make everything about sexuality?ā, at which I was baffled because 1) no I donāt, I just really love talking about queer stuff, and 2) I never said he WAS aroace, just that itās a headcanon and it means a lot to many people, and 3) you asked me about this.
I guess he really wanted to talk about more existential stuff, like Grace being in space and what emotional attachments mean to us, how Grace connected with Rocky etc. I donāt know, but the convo took a turn into this.
My dad basically thought that the aroace-headcanon was unnecessary, because there are a lot of people that are content with being alone irl and that doesnāt have to be cause of a sexuality. Which he, yeah he has a point, but that doesnāt mean that representation ISNāT beautiful and important, whether headcanon or not.
I felt so strongly that asexuality being a sexuality was a weird concept to him, like it was more a natural state of being than a sexuality and didnāt need a label. And I tried to say that he shouldnāt put representations of different sexualities against each other, cause it was obvious that he values gay rep more.
I reminded him that he, just the other day, was a bit sad over the lack of happy gay stories in film lately. And I said that we need ace rep too, not just gay. And he said ābut I miss my representationā. I was SO close to bursting out ābut what about mine?ā. But ofc I sat silent, cause Iām still hiding in the frickin closet.
Iām crying as I write this, cause I realised that one of the people Iāve been thinking I might be able to come out to wasnāt open to the concept of being ace. And I wondered if Iām ever going to be able to come out and feel comfortable doing that.
Iāve tried hinting that Iām ace to one uni friend and heās amazing but I can tell that he thinks Iām a bit weird for it. I mentioned my sexuality to my doctor when I was burned out and she thought there was something wrong with me.
Ugh I wish I was allo. I love being ace but sometimes it kills me. Simply talking about asexuality.. itās just me quietly defending it and explain it in detail every time I mention it because people think itās unnatural and disgusting.
I found the ace label when I was like 19, and I still remember how I sobbed, knowing others feel like I do, that Iām not broken. However, itās been a constant struggle for me for YEARS thinking Iām ace and feeling comfortable and okay with that, and then feeling like Iām clearly messed up because I surely canāt be ace, Iām just broken???
I feel so conflicted. I feel so at home here, on tumblr and in fandom spaces, cause I can be me and I can be open about my asexuality and itās okay. But it feels so impossible to come out in real life. And I wonder why I want to come out, I mean Iāve kept it a secret so long already and why do people even have to know? Itās just that I guess Iād like to go to pride, maybe meet others like me. Iād like to joke and say that I have the same need/want to watch football as to have sex with someone. Iād like to claim my identity fully.
Ugh I have no idea what Iām talking about anymore. Just that maybe I should keep my thoughts about phm to myself because that frickin film means so much to me in such a awfully deeply private way that I might fall apart if I talk too much about it. I donāt know.
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I had a dream tonight about Ryan Gosling and itās not what you think. No he died.
For some strange horrible reason, I was the only one there with him and something was seriously wrong. Some doctor told me they couldnāt do anything and that this was it. No matter what anyone did, he was gonna die right in front of me.
And I remember that I sat there by his side in that dream and begged him to keep fighting. I told him he had so much more left to do, he still had art to make! So many films left to be in and so many people to inspire and things to do. He couldnāt die? That was impossible, he still had stuff to do, a family, fans, a life.
But no yeah, he died. Iām not sure how long I sat there with him, and I was filled with this insane emptiness, like something had been erased or ripped away from me. The realisation that there would be no more art, no more films, no more silly interviews, no more time for him with his familyā¦ god it killed me.
The dream was soooo vivid and I kept thinking about it. Like I had to look him up when I woke this morning!
I rarely remember dreams in such detail but this time I did. And I donāt usually put a lot of meaning into my dreams, but I felt like this one almost tried to tell me something? Then I realised it was all about me, or at least that I can interpret it that way.
Thereās this part of me that really really wants to pursue art and film, and thinks that I can and will be able to do it and be successful. And then thereās this other part that thinks I should just give up and choose the safe path and go study medicine or something.
I donāt want to spend my life regretting the things I didnāt do, the art I didnāt make. I donāt want there to be a point when I wish I could have more time, just because I never did the art I wanted to do when I had the chance. I felt like this dream really was about me, screaming at myself to do the art! Lock in and do it!
It was all very bittersweet but also beautiful. I think we all have our little doubtful play-it-safe demons inside of us and sometimes itās so easy to listen to them. But if thereās something we want to say, something in you that you feel you want or have to express, then embrace it. Do it, even if it feels scary or uncomfortable. Because life is precious and you donāt have all the time in the world.
Thereās more art to do! Thereās art you need to make! So do it.
there has to be more people out there who donāt ship ryland grace with anybodyā¦ single aroace ryland grace no need for romance truthers stand with me
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