life is reason. art is reason.

At which he sort of turned? Don’t get me wrong here, I love my dad and we get a long SUPER well and have a really good relationship. But I really thought he’d be more inclusive and open to the concept of aromanticism and asexuality since he’s queer himself.

I tried to present it like Grace can be interpreted as aroace, and depending on how you interpret set design/costumes etc, it feels like the filmmakers wanted that. But my dad was so resistant to the thought of aroace Grace.

He was like “why do you always have to make everything about sexuality?”, at which I was baffled because 1) no I don’t, I just really love talking about queer stuff, and 2) I never said he WAS aroace, just that it’s a headcanon and it means a lot to many people, and 3) you asked me about this.

I guess he really wanted to talk about more existential stuff, like Grace being in space and what emotional attachments mean to us, how Grace connected with Rocky etc. I don’t know, but the convo took a turn into this.

My dad basically thought that the aroace-headcanon was unnecessary, because there are a lot of people that are content with being alone irl and that doesn’t have to be cause of a sexuality. Which he, yeah he has a point, but that doesn’t mean that representation ISN’T beautiful and important, whether headcanon or not.

I felt so strongly that asexuality being a sexuality was a weird concept to him, like it was more a natural state of being than a sexuality and didn’t need a label. And I tried to say that he shouldn’t put representations of different sexualities against each other, cause it was obvious that he values gay rep more.

I reminded him that he, just the other day, was a bit sad over the lack of happy gay stories in film lately. And I said that we need ace rep too, not just gay. And he said “but I miss my representation”. I was SO close to bursting out “but what about mine?”. But ofc I sat silent, cause I’m still hiding in the frickin closet.

I’m crying as I write this, cause I realised that one of the people I’ve been thinking I might be able to come out to wasn’t open to the concept of being ace. And I wondered if I’m ever going to be able to come out and feel comfortable doing that.

I’ve tried hinting that I’m ace to one uni friend and he’s amazing but I can tell that he thinks I’m a bit weird for it. I mentioned my sexuality to my doctor when I was burned out and she thought there was something wrong with me.

Ugh I wish I was allo. I love being ace but sometimes it kills me. Simply talking about asexuality.. it’s just me quietly defending it and explain it in detail every time I mention it because people think it’s unnatural and disgusting.

I found the ace label when I was like 19, and I still remember how I sobbed, knowing others feel like I do, that I’m not broken. However, it’s been a constant struggle for me for YEARS thinking I’m ace and feeling comfortable and okay with that, and then feeling like I’m clearly messed up because I surely can’t be ace, I’m just broken???

I feel so conflicted. I feel so at home here, on tumblr and in fandom spaces, cause I can be me and I can be open about my asexuality and it’s okay. But it feels so impossible to come out in real life. And I wonder why I want to come out, I mean I’ve kept it a secret so long already and why do people even have to know? It’s just that I guess I’d like to go to pride, maybe meet others like me. I’d like to joke and say that I have the same need/want to watch football as to have sex with someone. I’d like to claim my identity fully.