VIII

“i ruined christian’s life. twice.” he manages to say. his grip on her strong, everything he’s been going through the last month finally far too heavy for him to hold onto. she offered to be there, and she was the only one he could really trust with this. “and i don’t know how to help zane, how to make him feel better. things keep piling up and i don’t know how to stop it.”

“hey...” emir sat down beside landon. this is the first time he’s seen him since...well. “i uh- i wanted to check in. i’m getting zane a lawyer for the trial, i wanted to see if you needed one too.” any family of zane’s is his family too.

emir gave into him entirely the second he kissed him, and those few moments were the first in weeks that he felt himself free of worry, or thought. he slid his hand to the back of his neck to keep him there for as long as possible, his brow furrowed slightly when he pulls away, though he’s quick to laugh. it’s a quick exhale more than a laugh, but a laugh all the same. “well if there’s no math, it sounds like utopia,” he teased. “i looked around the area of the jail. there’s some houses for rent, so i could come visit you. get a job in the area.”

“about three years before i met you.” he looks at nico then, trying to get any semblance of emotion from him. though he wasn’t surprised to see he wasn’t showing much. 

“at this point, you’ll get a sentence no matter what.” he’d been told that on the phone. multiple times. because emir wouldn’t accept this. “the lawyer’s just there to make sure shit runs smoothly.” he holds him a little closer, kissing his cheek. over and over and over. he refused to admit he’d fucked up when he bailed zane out, because he knew he did the right thing in that. “i’m gonna be here, okay? through all of it.”

after leaving christian, emir had only one place he felt he could go. he didn’t want to overwhelm zane with this, not with everything else going on. and his mind was far too focused on what-ifs to be able to be there for him properly. so, he texted nur. asking her to meet him in the forest, where they’d had their last talk. as soon as he heard her footsteps, he turned towards her, and wrapped his arms around her. “i keep fucking up, nur. i keep fucking up.” 

sulking was what emir did best. especially when everything felt too overwhelming to handle. he stopped going to classes, ignored his parents’ calls, ignored everything. all he wanted to do now was hide away with zane, but sometimes even that felt too heavy on his chest. so, he decided to spend some time alone. outside. in one of the gardens. he sat there eating his sandwich, and when he heard footsteps, he hardly even looked up. though he was quick to dry any of the tears that had stained his cheeks in his time alone with his thoughts. 

he knew he’d see cecilia there, he knew she’d be mad, and he didn’t give a fuck. he didn’t even look at her, not as christian got closer to him. he was all he could focus on right then. his mind moving in a million different directions as he tried to figure out how he could get him the fuck out of there. he looks around at all of the other people there for a moment, trying to figure out what he could and couldn’t say. “you don’t have anything to be sorry for. i know you didn’t..” want to do this. be any part of this. he knows his friend well enough to piece some things together. “i just wish i’d known. i could have protected you.”

his question sent a pang of pain through his body, wrapping his arms more tightly around him. afraid that if he let go, zane would disappear forever. “no. but you need one. even if i didn’t get you one, the state would give you one, so it’s better if it’s someone we trust.” he kisses his shoulder then, an attempt to try to ground him. “it was an accident, zane. it doesn’t make you an evil person. and you already admitted to everything, so all that’s left now is figuring out what’s next.” a pause. “do you want me to get one for landon too?” he knew how much he meant to him, and at this point, whatever zane needed or wanted, he would do.

he thought he had done the right thing. protected and defended the ones he loved by turning in one of the people who hurt them. but he’d only made things worse. by helping one person, he ruined the life of another. of his brother. it seemed no matter what good emir tried to do in his life, it only ever just bit him in the ass. every event of the last year played back in his mind, over and over again. how could he have known? were there signs before this? why didn’t he press further as to why christian was here? he made his way to where he was being held, eyes focusing on him immediately, and the tears coming soon after. “brother...” he took a deep breath. “i’m so sorry.” the heartbreak was evident in his expression. there would be no fixing this. he ruined christian’s life. again.

he can’t help but laugh. this was both what he’d expected from nico, and not what he expected at all. “thank you.” he stands up and takes the folder. “lunch then.” they walk to the dining hall and get food to eat outside on a bench, emir knowing their conversation was probably going to be something neither of them wanted others to know about. “so. is there anything specific you wanna discuss or?”

“i used to think i did, because it was what was expected of me. i didn’t know what else there could be. and the older i got and the more i saw, the less i thought i fit the life. and then that happened and my entire existence felt...suffocating.” there was no other way to describe it. and they were never things he’d expressed out loud before, so it took him a moment to start any new thought. “i didn’t. i don’t want to kill anyone. ever.” a breathy exhaled laugh at her next question. “who knows. to teach me a lesson? to stop me from running away again? to see if i still have the same skills i used to?” at the next question, he shrugged. truthfully, he’d kept his distance from the social aspects of their life, not wanting to rope himself into any other conflicts than the ones involving his own family. “i don’t know. and i don’t think i want to know.”

truth be told, even in these darker days zane’s presence was a calming one for emir. as shit seemed to pile up on them both, it seemed that the home they had found with each other was their only constant. and even if they were torn apart for a period of time, emir would continue to be there. zane was his person, he’d known that since he was six years old. “it did. because it reminded me of you.” he runs his thumb across his cheek before kissing him again, desperate for any sense of closeness with him. “we’ll get through this, okay? one day at a time. i already got you a lawyer. a good one. he’ll make sure you’re taken care of.”

her words ring through his chest and calls him to attention, looking at her with a softened expression. he has no words to say to this, trust and commitment being one of the most important traits in any of his friendships and relationships. there isn’t even a moment of hesitation before he closes the space between them and wraps his arms around her. pulling her in close as if his entire world depended on that touch. “you don’t know how badly i needed to hear that.”

he sighs out in defeat, trying to gather his thoughts. this was never something he’d had to talk about before, never something he had to explain. the last time he explained what happened was years ago, drunk on a rooftop with christian as they bonded over the trauma their families put them through. “i had to prove to my father i was ready to work for him. if i didn’t do what was told of me, i was told i would regret it.” and that was a very big threat coming from his father. “they recorded me doing it. and they use that as blackmail to keep me working for them.”

“guilt. probably. i don’t know. i think he thinks it’ll make things right. but it won’t. ‘cause not only is cyrus still dead, but he’s now also going to be in jail and not with me. when he could have easily lied, no way would that notebook have held up in court.” he’s just venting now, letting out the frustrations he couldn’t let out to zane. “i already got him a lawyer. who knows what that’ll do at this point.”