Emetophobe Things

In this moment, my belly is growling. I have pretzels by my bed so I'll eat some of those. I know not eating much is making me feel worse instead of better. But I barely have any appetite at all during the day. And when I do eat, I almost immediately feel n*. I think it's just burps/gas from barely eating, but to my body it feels like n* and then the anxiety sets in. Sometimes I recognize it, I sit with it, and it passes. Other times, it becomes a panic attack. It's crazy because I don't think my emetophobia has EVER been this bad.

I looked into hypnosis for phobias and I'm going to try that next, along with the CBT and meds of course. I am desperate to try anything, yes anything. I prefer in-person for the hypnosis but if someone can see me ASAP, then I'll do it online. I got a reply from someone who can do a free consultation tomorrow morning at 11am. They said they're familiar with emetophobia. Something I don't hear often from therapists etc. Most don't know what it is.

You know, I tried doing in person EMDR months ago. Before it got to be this bad. I did it on my day off, it was hour long sessions. My mom made me feel guilty for having to watch the kids (they rotate weeks with my MIL - every other week). Yes, you heard that right. She cared more that she had to watch the kids an extra hour, than about my mental health. And people wonder why I have mommy issues lol. That's just the tip of the iceberg with her behavior. Classic narcissist shit. Don't mind me rambling again, 2 in the morning, alone, and this helps. I ate some pretzels and had gatorade. Still afraid to sleep.

I'm trying to relearn the language I use surrounding it. If and when it does happen, I can handle it. I handled it better than I thought I would back in 2017. I even said to Brett afterwards, "That wasn't that bad" and sipped water! I'm thinking back to my last therapy season. She basically kept asking "and then what?" questions in a "worst case scenario". And I understood. I can handle it. And life will go on as it always does. It's okay to be s*. It's not bad, it's not unsafe.

I'm bloated, and I felt warm in my throat and chest. I felt triggered again. My heart started to pound. And I caved. I took my rescue meds. If it was the day time, I may have been more brave. I may have been able to push through. I know I likely just need to go to the bathroom, that's all it is. Sometimes that confuses me and it feels like n*. I have NO idea why. But I have never gotten s* from that feeling. And it's weird, I feel afraid to poop. I know it sounds so silly, but being in the bathroom gives me an unsafe feeling. But it's just a room, right? It doesn't suggest anything, or mean anything is going to happen. The brain is such a powerful thing.

Just had some d*. Again, not surprising. When I have bad anxiety, it can happen. My anxiety was so bad in middle and high school I had it almost constantly. I feel silly for taking my rescue meds. But I am handling all of this better than I have been lately. No shaking, no hyperventilating. This is improvement, despite that. I am okay.

I do feel the CBT is helping. We just have to figure out my meds. I'm currently weaning myself slowly off Wellbutrin since it's been ramping up my anxiety like hell. Maybe the dizziness/blurry vision/headache is from that. I took a half of a 75mg tablet this morning. I plan to do that for at least a week. I'll speak to my new Dr Monday and see what she says. With 75mg being so low, some sources say I can stop it cold turkey and be OK. But you know me, I worry. I want to go back on Celexa. I don't remember having any n* when I first started it 18 years ago. I would even take it often on an empty stomach before bed and be fine. So hopefully that will be fine.

With my worsening anxiety, I was wondering if my current job is the problem. Not the job itself, I love my career, but my hospital. I had a phone interview on Monday, it went well. And another interview next week. But with all my mental health issues, plus my dog's surgery, I think I need to wait a bit. Wait until the dust settles and my anxiety improves. Maybe then I can revisit. I mainly want to get another job offer as leverage for more pay. I make 22/hr but most other hospitals start at 24-25/hr for RVT's. My coworker asked for a salary match months ago and they denied it so that concerns me. She worked in pharmacy though and I'm a licensed tech, one of the only ones in the whole practice, so they may be more apt to try to keep me. Idk. I need to not worry about that right now and get my anxiety right.

I was so calm after dinner before, which I haven't been in awhile. It's a shame the Hydroxyzine wasn't working. Well, it was but it was affecting my heart HORRIBLY. Who knew it could do that?? Not me. And I was taking it 3x a day. It's a shame, really. I was doing better with it, minus the heart palpitations being out of control. At least we figured out the cause. I'm still waiting on my heart monitor results but I'm going to be taking those with a grain of salt since I was on the Hydro. I told my cardiologist about it too so she's aware. Hopefully it didn't cause any lasting damage.

I'm just rambling. I like getting my thoughts out. I was very late taking my beta blocker tonight so maybe that threw some things off for me, too. I just hate feeling off!! And lately that's all the time, because I'm not eating or sleeping enough. It's a vicious cycle. My emetophobia and anxiety haven't been this bad in a LONG time. I'm talking at least a decade. I was doing so well. Why did I ever get off of Celexa? That was a huge mistake.

I had a rough night last night. 2 panic attacks, almost back to back. During my first one, i went outside, shaking like a leaf. I knew what to do. I took my Klonopin. I burped a few times. I started to settle down. Eventually I got more relaxed. I fell asleep. I woke about 30 minutes later. Adrenaline dump. I start shaking again. Panic starts. This is with Klonopin (and Zofran) already on board. I took a 1/2 more of Klonopin. I talked to Erin on the phone. Distraction. It's helping. I was afraid to go back to sleep. My sleep has been poor. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I know it's the Abilify, I've been on it 2 weeks and the side effects are awful. I quit and I will never touch it again.

I didn't sleep much, 3-4 hours. I called off work today because I knew I would be useless. 2 panic attacks and barely any sleep? Forget it. The exhaustion today was rough. My daughter let me take a 30 min nap on the couch.

I really want to try Lexapro. I've heard good things. I need SOMETHING. The Wellbutrin alone isn't cutting it. My Dr wants to try Rexulti again but it costs over 1k with insurance. They refuse to cover it due to cost. I just want to find a medication that keeps me calm, stable. Unafraid. Functional. Because right now, I am not functioning well. I am struggling so hard. I have trouble eating, trouble sleeping. And this guessing game of meds is driving me insane. I wish I never took the Genesight test and got off Celexa. Such a big mistake. I have an appt with another Dr for a second opinion on 5/18. It cannot come soon enough.

Anyone have meds that they really like for anxiety?