If You See This

I left my relationship, found a new place, found someone who could not be more unexpected

I still think about you, I still miss you, I think i finally see the point in your silence though

the happy birthdays followed by silence, feeling like nothing more than an obligatory pleasantry.

there are so many days I can’t help but wish I could go back in time, to change one thing, to be brave, to fight, to confess.

but then I ask myself, would it even have mattered? was this life just not our time? was longing for the person who’s soul I recognized the moment I saw them, part of my terms and conditions?

sometimes it feels like a cruel joke. other times I genuinely believe this is not the end, even though everything says it is.

I hope there are versions of us who didn’t let go, that they’re happy, that they love each other fiercely. I hope that version of me was brave enough to kiss you in the rain on that summer day because I swear that was the moment. I hope that version of you is the happiest she’s ever been all this time later.

I don’t know if you still come here, honestly I don’t think you do. but by chance you’re seeing this then, this is me screaming into the void for the what could have been. what I feel like should have been.

it’s okay to leave me here though, I just felt like I needed to write on the walls of this long empty house. to get all these words out of my head, out of my heart and into the void. I understand our circumstances and our lives are what they are.

maybe next time we’ll have our chance, its okay if it’s not now. you know I’ll never stop loving you and I’ve accepted that.