i work a very active job where i am often in the heat so i have been trying to stick to about 800-1000cals a day so i don't pass out (i burn it off during a shift anyways), but on weekends i don't need to worry about it, but i work tomorrow and i'm trying to eat dinner and i could only take like 5 bites of dal before i felt full, which is nowhere near enough calories for me to work with.

i'm probably going to be seeing my ex for the first time since breaking up in january this weekend and i know i fucked him up a bit with the breakup and lead up and i just had the passing thought/semi-fantasy of what if i offered to let him ask any question and i would answer fully truthfully and without any meaningful omission? and the panic i felt oh my gods. throughout most of our 6 year relationship i prided myself in knowing i didn't lie to him, and i would tell him if i didnt want to get fully into something without having to secretly omit things. the fact that the last few months were so filled with me not saying things that needed to be said and that i put both of us in certain emotional/mental situations is really setting in on me and i feel kind of guilty but also justified and ashamed and still JUSTIFIED makes my brain hurt.

i know a lot of what i did was wrong and manipulative and in retrospect cruel. and in the moment i also knew of the manipulation aspect but i was just so fed up and done with how i was feeling and how little the relationship was coming back together that i wanted to make it seem like his choice to end things, since bad shit kept happening on his end that made it impossible to outright break up with him. but that never happened lmao.

and this isn't a pining situation; he and i as we were were not going to work. i will always love him as a friend i think, but we would not work as a couple. i just feel bad about what i did and also the fact that i didn't have much of a support system that it keeps cycling through my mind. he and i will most likely never get back together, i have no desire to right now, but i keep thinking about what i might be missing out on.

that's also the issue of being in your 20s though, from what ive seen. in my head im feeling like i wasted 6 years on a relationship and that that's so much time I'll never recover, but once i get past my suicid@l ideation I've has since a pre-teen I'll realize i have so much more of my life left and that there's so much time to meet people.