I usually come onto this blog to expose the deepest, darkest pits of my psyche, say some atrocious shit and leave. Other times I just reblog fandom stuff and leave. No context. No mercy.
I don't really care what you've come here for, what you're trying to find, or even how you found me, and this blog. Regardless of how you've landed here, in this barren wasteland of the internet, I do hope that you have a moderately entertaining time at least. And I'm being genuine, lol.
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
...This last evening's been a kinda periodic cycle of getting up to do something, and then absolutely collapsing on some random table or couch to sob my fuckin eyes out. I get up every time, after I cry nowadays - and my heavier emotions feel less debilitating, although it still feels rather uncontrollable. I've been giving myself grace, the best I can.
I find that actively allowing myself to cry (without immediately bullying myself in my own head for "being a bitch" or telling myself that I should "stop being so emotional/dramatic") is one of the most effective ways I can 'give love to myself', in a sense. I don't think I'm at the point of "self-love" where I can reliably tell myself that I'm okay, I'll be okay - and actually believe it. But I've gotten to a space where I at least don't immediately start internally kicking myself while I'm down. Lmaooooooo.
I've gotten to a place in my own recovery, where I can allow myself to not be alright, all the time. I've come to a point in my life, where I don't just "take the L" - but instead actively admit that I feel like shit, and that nothing seems to help. I can feel bad about my own circumstances now, without entirely drowning in them, if that makes sense. I guess it's a sort of... Detached objectivity, in a sense. That's the best way I could explain this.
I think my own experience with writing everything out while shit is actively happening, really helps. Because it makes me kinda accustomed to the process of having to take a mental step back, and needing to properly articulate how I feel, in order to put the words down in some coherent manner. As I put this sorta behavior into practice irl (as a physical action, like writing my thoughts down), I've likely started adopting this same process in my own head, if it makes sense.
Describing how I feel, is probably the best way that I've found to detach myself from my own turbulent emotions, if that makes sense. It requires me to observe what I'm feeling in order to make a proper portrayal of it into words - and that in itself has been helping me identify the underlying patterns behind how I think, and generally operate. By actually understanding my own thought processes, motivations, and actions; I've found a way to be just a little bit more gentle to myself.
I react like this, in a way that I perceive myself as being "overly emotional", "too attached and creepy", and "pathetic and codependent over absolutely nothing at all lmao" - because my own feelings, and my own sorrow is that serious to me. Because there are legitimate reasons that underlie, and justify my own "overreactions" to something that I held so dear to my own heart. I understand now, a bit better - that there are reasons why I mourn, to the extent that I do.
I'm learning to give myself some grace. To be understanding of my own pain, and give myself the love that I feel like I so need from somebody else. In the process of my own form of change; I'm learning to love myself, in the same way that I loved her. In the same way that I wanted her to love me.
Something tender, intimate, and kind. Something so dearly beloved, that I may never explain the full extent of that gentleness, to anybody that I've ever known.
At the end of it all, that's how I would want to hold my own heart. And I understand more than most; this is the only thing that will make me better.
So I had a bit of a time sitting at the kitchen table, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, right? I wanted to identify what I was feeling. It only kinda really hit me when I decided to lie down, and run my own hand through my hair. And for some reason I realized something that kinda made me start crying.
I want to be praised. Apparently. I want to be comforted, cause I had a really rough, busy week - and I want to be told that I'm doing a good job. That what I'm doing is worth something, to somebody. That what I'm doing is meaningful, to literally anybody. I want to be asked if I'm okay. I want somebody to notice when I'm feeling sad, or maybe sorta out of it. I want to be cared for. I want to be touched. I want to be loved.
...I guess I'm still kinda struggling with the feeling of being lonely. Even though I wouldn't necessarily call myself a lonely person. I'm pretty happy with the crowd that I surround myself by, and the people that I know as my friends. I don't really want to think about love, and I haven't exactly been looking for anyone, ever since March ended. I'm still not over her, and I guess that sadness kinda affects me in more ways than I expect.
I'm not looking for a replacement. I'm not even remotely interested in something or someone new. It feels kinda bad to be like this, sure - but I'd rather be honest to myself, and feel this pain out until the very end. It's kinda been helping a lot to be able to know when to stop and identify my own feelings before acting on anything, recently. I'm feeling a lot clearer, now that I understand what's going on in my own head.
I think I miss that feeling of being able to be attached to somebody in a romantic, comforting way. To be told that I'm wanted, and to be shown that I actually matter, to somebody that I hold dear to me. I miss the praise, I miss the touch - but most of all, I miss the feeling of being loved by somebody else, like that. I know that I shouldn't even say shit like this, but sometimes I still kinda wonder how it would feel like if she loved me, too. I wonder if that's kinda sad?
...Ok so I'm kinda starting to think thay my bad mood might not just be fully hunger... But that doesn't mean I really even know what it is, or what to do with it. I'm settling for eating some more food atm, and hoping that it kinda calms me down somewhat?????? I kinda feel like shit a bit. I dunno.
It's the end of my lunch break. Anyways I found a gay-ass video for your gay ass to munch on, on this gay-ass month. HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Bruh I know I'm dab smack in the middle of work hours but yo I'm so unreasonably hungry all the fucking time????? And I feel like I need to seriously bitch about this shit cause I literally just ate breakfast? Less than an hour ago?? Man why the fuck do I feel like a malnourished Victorian child rn??? I need you to euthanize me, but also feed me at least 9 burgers beforehand.
I'm currently burning through my monthly food budget as if going green at the end of the month isn't important to me. What the fuck. No matter what I do I'm just fuckin hungry bro. I'm gonna wait just a little bit more before I give tf up and make something for lunch - but at this point I've been eating an average of 4 to 5 meals a day and it's just barely sustaining me. I need death
I'm kinda really tired so have an animation I enjoy from a yt animator who's pretty big in Japan atm. Also, happy pride!!!!! Mate I genuinely almost forgot it was the gay month until I talked with Steam about some random bullshit.
I'm kinda too burnt out to do anything about anything atm, but I do hope you guys have a good time (especially if you live in the west part of the globe). Remember to bring extra water and refreshments if you're going to participate in any parades, and don't forget to apply a healthy amount of sunscreen, and actually rest in the shade if/when you feel tired. It's been getting warmer every year, and heat stroke is an incredibly real risk you gotta consider if you're going out to enjoy festivals like that, this year. Take care of yourselves, you gay-ass, gnc-ass mfs. Have fun.
