I Wine A Lot

Things were tough in adolescence. Things were tough in my early 20s. It continues to be tough in my mid-20s. And I am largely the same- still fueled by the boxes I need checked, wanting positive relationships with peers, yearning for love outside of myself. Though, situations are a bit different. The fog and gloom is coming from a different Bay, the man in my life reciprocates my feelings, and it’s as if someone updated the prescription to my glasses to clarify what’s ahead. 25 is coming with a lot more perspective, giving way to clarity in my head. 

W caught me. He is the human embodiment of when someone doesn’t let your head hit the bed without his hand around it. He is warmth, comfort, and unconditional love rolled into 6 feet of goofiness. He makes me feel grounded and safe. I know that when I walk out that door, when I look back, he’d be right there waving goodbye. 

Although I love(d) them both, it all feels so different. And I understand that because J was ultimately confusing and unresolved, my feelings for him will always be exponentiated by our circumstances. We had an undeniable connection. He had to leave. He never outright admitted to anything but he always acted on them. Until the day I stopped replying- and even after then. I think it’s this big ‘what if’ that keeps me coming back to my thoughts about him. ‘What If’ I wasn’t going through a hard time? ‘What if’ things worked out with school and work for him? There’s all these fairytale fantasies on how he would be this everything solution for innately my own problems. 

I have put a man’s presence in my life as the foundation of my happiness. 

There is definitely evidence of myself on this thing. Plenty of it. With me divulging secrets, circular thoughts, and long-winded desires to a white box that keeps getting longer and longer as I continue typing with ferocity. It is 2018. I may not be exactly the person I was when I created this thing, but she’s still in there. Different but still the same. 

I found something on the East Coast that I did not know I ever would. I always had a fear I would never get one but here it is, across a continent. I found something to be passionate about. I found something that I am good at. I found that I am capable. For many years, I always felt shadowed by friends and classmates who were taller, prettier, more eloquent. For the first time in my life, I entered a situation I was expected to excel in. At the end of it, I fulfilled that prophecy. That internship experience last year provided me with the thing I have always known was stewing inside of me. I am capable of doing good- and I can be damn good at it. 

2017 was a year of finishing. In prominence, graduating college comes first. I will never forget the day my mother and my sisters saw me walk across the stage. With every statistic stacked against me, I somehow sauntered into that moment. I finished a prestigious internship. Before I finished that, I procured a full-time job. I finished a cross-country road trip. I finished all the assignments, crossed all the ‘t’s and dotted all the ‘i’s that I needed to. And I proceeded to the part of my life that I have been yearning for so long- moving on. 

Unfortunately, for myself, moving forward comes hand in hand with anxiety. I was caught in the whirlwind of change. Changing faces, changing weather, changing cultures. Friday nights are never going to be the same. This isn’t the local dingy college bar that I used to go to. We do tapas now. Tres Gringos is now an Irish Open Bar. I started 2017 head over heels in love with a man who never quite loved me back. With him barely ushering himself out the door, another man comes along unexpectedly making waves in my worldview of what love is supposed to look like. Now, love feels like love. Love for some reason does not feel like a sacrifice- a punishment for the fleeting moments of good.  Now, I dance with that man on dance floors I swore to be sacred ground, with the two index fingers sticking up as he wiggles about. How I would have felt about that before isn’t the same playful, giddyness that I feel about it now. Things have changed. What changed is that my idea of what the world is supposed to look like and feel has been turned upside down. And even though that creates pandemonium in my heart, it is okay. Change is okay. For once, I believe that I will be okay.

I watched a Claire video where she said, “Being able to sustain a consistent level of happiness is difficult when the foundation of who you are is unstable.” 

In light of the past year, who am I in 2018?

I am someone who wants to keep learning- who will never stop trying to learn and get better. I am someone who is not afraid of apologizing- someone who admits their shortcomings and works on delivering a better result. I am someone who will find the good first- a person who approaches people with kindness and grace, provides them with the respect they deserve. I am someone who is open to the unknown- present with the now, instead of fearing the future.