It’s crazy how isolating it is to not be interested in any sexual thing. Even worse when it borderline disgusts you.
It’s like I’m missing an essential human function.
And I know what I’m missing so it’s easy to play along and be part of some conversations but most of the time you just feel…
Frustrated. Like you can’t resonate with others and others can’t resonate with you.
And disgusted in yourself because you expressed ideas that just don’t resonate with you, ideas that make you feel uncomfortable.
All that to say that I really love the aesthetic of the Concept 3 photos.
I love the shaped and colours and textures.
I love the way the details on Hongjoong’s velvet jacket get as purple as his hair get brown with these little purple pops of colours.
I love the topography of Seonghwa’s face, the sharp edges constrated by the absolute softness of his skin.
I love the green highlights in Yunho’s hair, how the shapes of the shirt make it shine when he raises his arm.
I love the contrast between Yeosang’s shirt and his jeans, how his thumb just digs into his cheeks but the rest of his face appears unmoved.
I kinda feel sorry for myself that I can’t seem to have fun with other people because I just can’t relate. I can’t be as extreme or as unhinged in a fun and interesting way.
And uncomfortable. I always feel very uncomfortable around sexual comments but it feels like I have to accept them otherwise there would be nobody to converse with. But I don’t want to be a mood ruiner either.
Edit: and it’s not in a “I’m better than you type of way.” I enjoy knowing that people are having lots of fun. It just sucks that everybody’s fun make me uncomfortable.
Edit 2: and like, even beyond the sexual aspect, there’s a certain meanness that a lot of people seem to find funny that tends to make me… sad? I don’t want to be mean to people. And I don’t want people to be mean to others. It makes me sad. I lack the ability to see humour in this. And it’s frustrating because I recognise that I am the abnormal one
Edit 3: idk I think work has exhausted me and I feel more emotional than usual and less able to keep it to myself. Sorry for the rambling
Edit 4: And I also know that’s it’s me being painfully naive about the world and the way it works as well and this is why it sucks so much because I’m fucking 31yo and I’m reacting like a freaking immature child. But it’s like, no matter how much I try to expose myself to that meanness or that sexualisation the more sad it makes me because my brain just won’t. It’s like asking me to think of a new colour nobody has ever thought of.
I really hate being this abnormal. Like I’m a freak for not being freaky enough
