you pull the blanket around yourself and allow a few more seconds of staring at her.

the reminder of what happened last night and your ex boyfriend come flooding back in, snapping you out of your cassie trance.

you reach for your phone, still half asleep. the screen lights up with missed calls and messages from your ex. your stomach drops before your brain catches up. and you realized you forgot to change his contact name.

baby <3: can we talk?

baby <3: please answer. i don’t think breaking up is a good idea.

baby <3: i don’t want us ending like this.

a part of you wanted to respond, to forgive him because he was safe and he was all you knew for two years. but looking at cassie lying next to you, you realized how much you didn’t like being with your him. that your entire relationship was built on surviving what cassie had left you with.

your thumb hovers over the messages. texting back felt like someone asking you to finish a conversation you’ve had in your head already a million times before.

cassie stirs beside you, making you shut your phone off instantly and set it aside before thinking too much about it.

cassie’s eyes open, and she notices the expression on your face immediately.

“what happened?” she groaned into her hands. the smile she’d been starting to form disappearing from her face.

you glance down at your hands.

“nothing.”

cassie raises an eyebrow. an expression that says that she doesn’t believe you for a second.

“he texted me,” you finally give in.

“oh?” she propped herself up on her elbows to get a better look at your face.

admitting to her that he called you over five times feels embarrassing now, almost like you were bringing whatever hell was raised upon you into cassie’s safe room.

“he called a few times,” you whisper.

cassie looks at you and simply nods. she wasn’t sure if you were going to go back to him or not, but the idea of you leaving her side again was slowly starting to kill her.

she reaches across the bed and snakes her arm around your waist. as simple as that. the warmth of her palm against your stomach settles something inside of you.

you hadn’t realized how tightly youve been holding yourself together, with cassie you can just sigh into relaxation and not care what comes next. she was the only one that provided you with that feeling, no one else felt like home the way cassie did.

“what do you want to do?” she asks quietly.

what do you want to do. not what you should or what are you going to do.

the question catches in your throat, because for so long, for as long as you could remember those have felt like different things.

you turn to look at her, at her messy hair and puffy eyes and all you want to do is kiss her. you look back down at cassie’s arm around your waist to hold yourself back from doing anything stupid.

“i want coffee.”

cassie laughs, her arm tightening around you as if she was relieved your answer wasn’t to call him back.

“yeah?”

you reach down and squeeze her arm. “yeah.”

“coffee i can do.”

you expect her to get up, to pull you out of bed and drag you to the kitchen. instead she stays exactly where she is with her arm still thrown around you.

her thumb starts brushing against your stomach softly.

“you don’t have to act like last night didn’t happen, y’know,” she whispers.

“i know.”

cassie doesn’t push.

last night your ex had looked at you, spoke to you like he couldn’t tell who you were anymore, like he’d lost you all at once. even if he never really had you in the first place.

you’d just finally stopped pretending otherwise and the memory makes your chest ache. not because you want him back, no but because there was a version of your life you’d tried so hard to make work.

a life where you shared grocery lists and future plans and fill the house with furniture you picked out together. a life that looked right from the outside looking in.

and now it’s fizzled into nothing.

“i hate that he hurt me,” you whisper, eyes welling up with tears you didn’t ask for. “i know i shouldn’t care. it’s just…i never expected him to do something like that.”

cassie goes quiet for a moment, letting you sit in your thoughts and while longer before her thumb brushed your hip where your tattoo was.

“it’s normal to be disappointed and hurt,” she said her eyes on your tattoo. “even if it was from somebody you thought you could trust.”

it was hypocritical, the words being from her, but they still comforted you. even if years ago cassie did the same thing to you, your heart found a way to squeeze at her words.

you slowly begin to realize that there was nothing he could say or text you that will make you feel any better about this.

there isn’t a message that’s going to explain why somebody who loved you chose to hurt you. nothing along those lines can give you back the version of him you thought existed.

“you don’t owe him a response before breakfast,” cassie said breaking you out of your haze.

the corner of your mouth twitches.

“before breakfast?” you smile. “that’s your rule?”

“it’s a very important one,” she smiles back at you before shuffling closer to you and leaning her head on your shoulder. “i don’t like seeing you upset.”

you lean into her and place a kiss on the top of her head. “i don’t like being upset, and you still owe me a lot of apologies.”

she lifts her head up at that, furrowing her brows at you with the soft presence of a pout forming. “i do? i thought i–”

“oh yeah, a lot.”

“i can apologize in many different ways, baby. pick your poison,” she teases before leaning back down to place a kiss on your neck. “this is one of them.”

you gasp grabbing her arm to pull her away even if you didn’t want her to stop. you needed her to grovel some more before she could get to touch you again.

“not that easily, doctor mckay,” you giggle holding onto her shoulder.

“doctor?”

“you like that? hm?” you whisper into her ear before biting it. “i think you love it when i call you doctor…maybe later i’ll let you help with the pain between my legs.”

cassie groans and leans her head down in defeat on your shoulder.

“you’re going to be the death of me.”

-

the kitchen smelled like coffee and burnt pancakes. cassie stood in front of you with her back to you, hair still tangled from sleep, and she was missing a sock.

it’s such a ridiculous sight that it almost makes you smile. you sat perched on one of the stools at the island and watched her move around the kitchen.

she caught you staring when she turned to grab something from the island.

“what?”

“nothing.”

“you’re staring at me,” she says crossing her arms, and god does it take all of your self control not to pounce on her at the sight of them.

you recognize small details, the same details you used to see everyday. the ones you selfishly thought were going to be in your life forever.

the way she shifts her weight onto one hip. the line between her eyebrows when she’s suspicious of someone or something but can’t figure it out. the way her hair always sticks up on the left side when she wakes up.

you remember all of it.

apparently your face gives it all away, because cassie’s expression changes again.

“what?”

you look down at the counter top, finally breaking eye contact with cassie’s everything.

“it’s nothing.”

“okay,” she nods slowly pressing her lips together. “can i give you the first of my many apologies?”

you look up at her and smiled, amused. “of course.”

without another word she turns to the stove. completely serious as she flips the pancakes onto different plates. she turns back around toward you, sliding a plate in fromt of you.

your stack was a near perfect stack of pancakes while hers looked a little burnt and disregarded.

“you gave me the good ones,” you chuckle.

“i’m apologizing, baby,” she leans forward into the counter. “do you accept my apology?”

“yes i think i do,” you whispered and a look of shock washes over cassie’s face.

“you think?”

“you really hurt me,” you exhale looking down at your plate. the words managing to leave your mouth before you regretted them. you weren’t planning on talking about it. not when today has been so good. “i don’t think you understand what it was like after.”

cassie doesn’t say anything, she just stands there taking your soft blows. the silence stretches and you can heae a bird somewhere outside, so you keep going. because now that you’ve started you can’t seem to stop.

“you left and it took so much of me to get over it,” your voice comes out rough, as you try to hold back your tears. “it was a month. barely. but it still was the first thing i thought about when i woke up.”

it was all the tiny things that were impossible to forget. cassie had entered your life in such a tainting way that even now, years later, you couldn’t separate the wound from the wanting.

“i spent so long being angry at you,” your voice breaks.

you hated that. you hated crying, not because it was embarrassing, because it was something you’d get scolded for often. your father made sure of that.

crying didn’t earn you comfort, and you hated it. so you learned how to bite the inside of your cheek until you tasted blood. a part of you still expected your father to scold you as you cried, even as an adult. even here, in front of cassie.

because if there was one thing more terrifying than crying in front of someone you didn’t trust, it was crying in front of someone you love.

“you could’ve left me with a phone number or something…something that brought you back to me when you realized how big of mistake it was to leave me,” your voice sounds smaller around the bigger words.

you watch as cassie’s mouth opens then closes the opens again like she can’t seem to find the right words. good. let her struggle, like you’ve been struggling with this for years.

“why didn’t you?” you ask. the question barely comes out.

“you really want to know?” she almost laughs before nodding as if she’s arguing with herself.

“yes.”

cassie pauses, staring at you. you could see her mind jumping around deciding what she wanted to say.

then, she says. “because i loved you.”

the world slows down.

you were certain you heard her wrong but cassie gives you another broken laugh.

“i was so fucking in love with you,” she says, and you were sure you could hear how loud her heart was beating from where you were sitting. “everytime you were around me it was like i didn’t know what to do with myself. i wanted my every second to be you and only you. and it scared me.”

“cassie–”

“no, let me finish because if i stop now it’ll take a lot for me to speak again,” she chokes out as tears gathered in her eyes. “i– you were twenty one and every day i kept thinking that eventually you’d wake up and realize what a terrible idea this was.”

her voice trembles. “i thought if i left first, it’d hurt less.”

it was your turn to stare and listen to her talk. you stare at her like it’s the stupidest thing you’ve heard, because it was. but it was also the most heartbreaking thing you’ve heard.

a tear slides down her cheek and she wipes it away immediately. almost like she was angry at herself for conveying emotion.

“i know how stupid that sounds now.”

“you left because you loved me?”

“i left because i was terrified.”

the honesty of it stole the air from the room, leaving behind the quiet weight of humidity.

“you were this bright, impossible thing,” her eyes meet yours. “and i wanted everything. i wanted to wake up next to you, to have breakfast with you, and every stupid thing after that.”

her voice falters.

“so i left.”

neither of you spoke after that, only stared at each other, taking in the others state as you tried to piece together what was next for the both of you.

“the worst part was that i never got over you,” cassie spoke, a sad smile on her lips. “god, i tried so hard to forget you. but you were in every corner of every room.”

your eyes fill immediately at that, because you were also struggling to get over her. because she stood in every corner of every room, every relationship, everything.

cassie walks over to your side, her hands reach and land on your hips. “i’m so so sorry.”

you look at her through your tear filled eyes, and the look on her face nearly destroys you. she reaches for your face the same way she’d been wanting to do since she walked out that door.

“i never stopped loving you.”

you lean into her hand before you realized and cassie’s eyes close at the warmth of your contact. she lets out a breath like she was finally allowed to.

there was no hesitation left. when her mouth found yours, it wasn't a sweet reunion, it was a desperate collision of two years of longing. the kiss tasted of salt tears and the warmth that belonged only to her.

cassie’s hands shifted from your hips, her fingers digging fiercely into your back, pulling you up and against her until there was no air left between you. she moved you backward until your thighs hit the edge of the couch, the two of you caving onto the cushions together without breaking the contact of your lips.

the fabric of your clothes felt like a barrier. cassie’s hands were frantic, sliding beneath the hem of your shirt, her skin burning hot against yours. wvery touch was heavy with an urgency that made your breath catch in your throat, a low sob turning into a sigh as her mouth moved down the line of your neck.

“cassie,” you breathed, your fingers tangling into her hair, pulling her down, needing the feeling of her on top of you.

she slid her hand down from your ribs, her fingers moving over your stomach, tracing lower until they found the wet, burning heat between your thighs. when her fingers first brushed against your clit, a sob escaped your throat, your hips arching against her palm.

“fuck, cassie.”

cassie used the weight of her body to hold you down, her thumb pressing hard and steady against your clit, sending an ache straight through your core.

your hands gripped the muscles of her shoulders, your fingernails digging into her skin as you pulled her down flat against your chest. cassie’s other hand tangled into your hair at the nape of your neck, holding you steady as her mouth moved down to the soft skin of your shoulder, biting down just enough to leave a mark, proof that she was finally there. a groan came from deep in her chest, a sound so raw it made a wave of heat bloom right behind your hips.

you wrapped one leg tight around her waist, lifting your hips up to meet the pressure of her hand, your body needing her completely. the room caved into a breathless world of damp skin, and the synchronized shift of your bodies.

“i’m close, shit. cassie, i’m so close.” you cried out.

cassie lifted her head from your shoulders and kissed you like she was hungry. her mouth sliding over yours in a way that completely stole whatever air you had left. her tongue tangled with yours, as if she were trying to consume you whole.

you let out a broken, muffled sound into her mouth, your hands flying from her shoulders to grip her hair, pulling her even closer, matching her intensity with a hunger of your own.

her hand didn’t slow down. your hips kept bucking up against her hand entirely out of your control, your knees flaring wide as the tension in your lower stomach coiled into a tight knot.

cassie broke the kiss just an inch, her lips slick and swollen, her breath hitching sharply as she looked down at you. her eyes were completely blown out, fixed on your face as you came apart under her.

“cassie– please,” you choked out, your fingers tightening in her hair.

“right here,” she whispered, her voice cracking under the weight of it. “i’m right here.”

she drove her fingers deeper, her thumb pressing flat and hard against your clit, tilting her wrist to catch you perfectly. the knot in your chest snapped, and a violent, rolling wave of release crashed through your hips. your back arched off the couch, a loud gasp tearing from your throat as your muscles clamped tight around her fingers.

cassie didn't pull away. she held you through your orgasm, keeping her hand steady against your trembling body. she buried her face back into your neck, her own chest heaving as she let out a groan, her whole body shuddering against yours as she finally let the last of her control break.

you were still shaking, the aftershocks of your orgasm making you hyper sensitive, but the sight of cassie hanging over you, her chest heaving, her hair completely wild, made a new heat flare up in your stomach.

you didn't let her pull away. your hands slid down her back, your fingers hooking firmly into the waistband of her underwear and pulling her down.

“your turn,” you whispered, your voice still rough and breathless against her hair.

cassie let out a low, shaky breath, her forehead dropping against your collarbone. “baby, we don't–”

“shut up,” you said softly, a sudden rush of authority taking over. you shifted beneath her, using the adrenaline to roll her over onto her back.

cassie hit the couch with a soft gasp, her eyes wide and vulnerable as you pinned her down. seeing her like this, under you in the morning light, stripped of her boundaries, made your heart beat flat against your ribs.

you crawled between her thighs, your knees pushing her legs wide, the heat of her skin burning against your inner thighs. you didn't give her time to think. when you looked back down, her eyes were locked on yours, her mouth parted.

you leaned down and kissed her, tasting the salt of your own tears on her lips. cassie’s hands immediately came up, her fingers digging into your hips with a possessive grip, her hips lifting off the sheets to meet yours.

sliding your hand down between your bodies, you found her wet, her breath catching sharply the moment your fingers made contact with her aching clit. you pressed the heel of your hand hard against her, finding a rhythm that made cassie's head instantly roll back into the couch, a groan tearing from her throat.

“baby,” she choked out, her knuckles turning white where they gripped your hips.

you didn't answer with words. you slid two fingers inside her, finding how tight and hot she was for you, while your thumb maintained a relentless, heavy pressure against her clit. the contrast of cassie, usually so contained, so careful with her words and her space, completely losing her mind under your hands was intoxicating.

you shifted your weight, sliding down her body until you were kneeling between her thighs. cassie’s breath hitched, her head lifting off the cushion as she felt the shift.

“baby,” she breathed out, her voice a murmur. her long fingers reached down, tangling into the fabric of your shirt at your shoulders, but she didn’t pull you up. she just held on.

“stay still,” you whispered.

you hooked your hands under her knees, gently pushing her legs wider until she was completely open to you.

when you leaned in, the first touch of your tongue against her wet folds made cassie’s entire body bolt off the couch. a loud gasp tore from her throat, her fingers locking into your hair, her knuckles firm against your scalp.

you pressed the flat of your tongue against her, a slow stroke from bottom to top that made cassie let out a moan, her head slamming back into the cushion. you used your hands to grip the undersides of her thighs, pulling her down as you found a steady pace.

the taste of her was familiar. you used your thumb to part her lips, exposing her fully to the cool air of the room before covering her again with the heat of your mouth. your tongue swirling over her clit while you slid two fingers deep inside her, matching the rhythm.

cassie went completely dumb under you. she wasn’t a quiet person, every movement of your mouth dragged a broken sound from her chest. her hips began to buck against your face, her muscles clamping tight around your fingers.

“fuck, you’re so good baby,” she choked out, her voice cracking as she lost her grip on her own control. her hands left your hair, her arms throwing backward to grip the back of the couch, her knuckles turning white as she tried to anchor herself against the waves of pleasure.

you increased the pressure, your tongue against her center, your fingers moving fast inside her. cassie’s thighs clamped tightly around your head, trying to press you even closer, her breath coming in tiny gasps.

you could feel the tension coiling hard in her muscles, the pulse of her blood right beneath your lips. you didn't back off, you pressed your mouth flat against her, sucking her in deeply while your fingers curled inside her to catch her g spot.

“look at me,” you whispered.

cassie’s eyelids fluttered open, her eyes dark and blown out with pleasure, focused on you through the haze. that was the breaking point. cassie’s back arched off the couch, a loud cry tearing from her throat as she came apart. her entire body shuddered, her hips pulsing in contractions against your mouth for several breathless seconds before she finally caved back into the couch, spent and entirely yours.

you stayed right there, your face pressed against the skin of her inner thigh, listening to her breathing slow down.

cassie’s hand came down, her long fingers found the back of your neck, her thumb gently stroking the hairline.

“come here,” she whispered.

you crawled back up her body, the skin of your chests sliding together. she pulled you back against her chest until there was no space left between you, burying your face into the crook of her neck.

her hand came up to cup your jaw, her thumb smoothing over your cheekbone. when she kissed you this time, it was different. it was slower. her mouth moved against yours with no rush, lingering on your lower lip, tracing the shape of it.

you let out a sigh into her mouth, your fingers tangling loosely into her shirt, pulling her down enough to deepen the contact. there was no pressure anymore. just the sound of your breathing syncing up in the quiet.

when she finally pulled back, just an inch, her eyes were soft, focusing on your face.

“let me look at you,” she whispered, her eyes scanning every detail of your face as if ensuring you weren't about to disappear.

“i’m right here,” you whispered back, a small smile tugging at your lips.

cassie’s face went completely soft. she didn't say anything for a moment, she just leaned down and pressed a long kiss to your forehead, right between your eyes, holding it there until you felt the muscles in your shoulders completely drop.

she reached down, her warm palm finding your bare foot, rubbing the cold skin in a way that made a wave of comfort wash straight through your chest.

“are you okay?” she asked softly, her eyes searching yours.

“yeah,” you breathed, leaning your head into her shoulder, your chin tucked right into the collar of her shirt. “more than okay.”

cassie let out a long breath that felt like surrender. she wrapped her arm securely around your waist, her fingers hooking into the fabric of your clothes, pulling you against her side. she buried her face into your hair, her chest rising and falling against your back.

her hand was still moving against your waist, her thumb brushing through the fabric of your shirt.

the reality of the morning slowly started to creep back in, a small anxiety began to stir in your chest.

you have to figure out the next few days, your fingers idly tracing the soft seam of her shirt.

you knew harrison was coming home soon, and you didn't want to complicate cassie's life or make things difficult for her as a mom right out of the gate. you wanted to be careful with her.

you remembered the text message from your coworker/friend luca, last week, a genuine, no strings attached offer. at the time, it had just been a backup plan for if things got harder between you and your ex, but right now, it felt like a safe compromise.

you could stay at luca's for just a few days while you look for a place, give cassie some breathing room with her son, and then the two of you could figure out how to navigate this properly, without any rush.

it's the smart thing to do.

you leaned up slightly to look at her face. you didn't think twice about it. yiu were completely secure in her love now, totally wrapped up in the warmth of the couch, believing she would just see it as a helpful solution.

you shifted your head slightly against her shoulder, your voice coming out small and quiet in the warm space between you.

“cassie.”

“yes baby?”

“my friend, luca. someone i work with... he offered me a place to stay last night.

the slow movement of cassie’s hand stopped instantly.

her chest hitching before flattening out into a tense stillness. for a second, she didn’t move at all. then, she pulled back just enough to look down at you, her face completely serious.

“what?”

you blinked up at her, caught off guard by how fast the softness had drained out of her expression. “he just... he has a spare room.”

“no,” cassie said. it wasn’t a negotiation, her grip on your waist tightened.

“cassie, it’s just an option–”

“you’re staying here," cassie murmured, her voice softening. she reached up, her long fingers tangling into your hair to pull your face back up to hers, her forehead pressing hard against yours. “with me. in this house. don’t ever mention leaving my side again.”

you nuzzled your face back into her neck and kissed her pulse point. “i won’t.”

for so long, you’d imagined what would happen if you saw her again. in some versions, you screamed at her. in others, you were the one that walked away leaving her hurt.

sometimes you dreamt of her apologizing and you forgiving her and other times you dreamt of her not apologizing and you never forgiving her.

but not one of those possibilities, not one of those versions could fathom this. cassie in your arms again, holding you like there was nothing else worth holding onto as hard.

“cassie,” your throar tightened.

“hm?”

“i’m glad it’s you.”

she couldn’t find the words, she hadn’t expected that from you, of all the things you might say. then she leaned down and pressed a kiss on your head.

“i’m glad it’s you too.”

-

a month later, and things were going better than expected between you and cassie. she had made you space in her home and introduced you to harrison and her family, she drove you to work on her off days and picked you up, she didn’t want you driving alone at night.

it was a friday and you were working the bar, the rush never changed. you were moving entirely on muscle memory, wiping down the surface with a rag without really looking at it.

you finish pouring a double gin and tonic, slide it across to a customer, and pocket the tip. as you reach for a fresh towel, your phone buzzes once in your back pocket. you pull it out, shielding the screen behind the liquor well from your nosey coworkers, and look down.

wife <33: traffic on the bridge is a mess. i’m going to be about ten minutes late. do you need me to grab anything before the store closes?

a smile tugs at the corner of your mouth. you quickly tap back with one hand.

you: just some orange juice. take your time. i’m wrapping up my work here.

wife <33: got it. see you in a few minutes. i love you.

your chest aches, still that good kind of ache, but now it feels real. familiar. like a habit you’ve finally been allowed to keep.

around midnight, the doors of the bar swing open, cutting through the fading light of the room. you don't even have to look up to know it's her, you can hear the click of her boots against the tile.

when you finally lock the drawer and lean your elbows on the bar, she’s already standing there. she’s leaning against the wood right in front of you, a plastic bag from the corner store dangling from her wrist.

“hey,” she murmurs.

“hey,” you say back, reaching across the wood.

cassie doesn't hesitate. she takes your hand, her long fingers sliding between yours, her thumb rubbing a slow, comforting circle right over your knuckles.

“ready?” she asks.

you look around the empty bar, then back at the woman who used to complain about every single square inch of the city, but who has spent the last four weeks making this specific commute without a single word of protest.

“almost,” you tease. “why?”

“because i’d like to take you home,” she squeezes your hand.

cassie mckay was never good with love. romantic love to be specific, she treated it as a liability.

she had spent a lifetime believing that keeping her distance was the same thing as keeping her balance.

but with you, that never worked out. you were never something she was capable of keeping at arms length.

no matter how far she tried to run from it, from the comfort of love and being loved. in the end, it had found it’s way back to the same place it started.

your hand in hers.

your phone on the mattress didn’t stop vibrating.

you sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the small screen. your boyfriend had left the apartment in a dead silence, but your mind kept drifting back to forty five minutes ago to the quiet kitchen where you had been sitting with cassie.

she was adamant that you take her number before you left to go back to your apartment, just in case anything happened. you told her that your boyfriend would never hurt you, but cassie didn’t budge.

cassie mckay: did he leave? is he there with you?

cassie mckay: i shouldn’t have let you take an uber. i’m sorry.

cassie mckay: please answer me.

your fingers shook against the screen. you typed back with one hand, your chin tucked into your collar.

you: he left. i think it’s over.

you: i don’t know where to go.

you: please.

three dots appeared instantly, and disappeared into a single line.

cassie mckay: stay there. i’m coming send me your location.

not even thirty minutes later, the door of cassie’s car clicked shut.

it was always the car. every single time you had ever touched, or argued, or sat in a silence that felt too intense, it had been inside these four doors.

cassie steered away from the curb, her hands loose on the wheel but her eyes on the road.

“can i ask you what happened?” cassie asked. she didn't look over. “you’re shaking.”

you didn't answer. you pulled your knees up to your chest. you watched telephone poles blur past as cassie kept looking over at you, needing confirmation that you were okay.

when you wouldn’t respond, cassie pulled the car into the back of a grocery store parking lot. she turned her head, looking at the back of your hair.

“you’re staying at my place,” cassie said simply. “we’ll go back for the rest of your stuff tomorrow.”

you shifted, back against the door, looking at her.

“tell me something you’ve never told anyone before,” you whispered.

cassie let out a short breath. “what?”

“tell me a secret,” you said. “tell me something real.”

“are you playing a game?” cassie turned fully, her brow furrowing.

“it’s not a game,” you said, eyes fixed on cassie’s mouth. “i just want to know something about you that no one else in the world does.”

cassie paused, staring at you, deciding how much she wants to tell you.

“okay…before we first met,” cassie began. she looked out at the wall of the grocery store. “i spent some time in a house. i was using. a lot.”

you didn’t blink.

“i lost harrison,” cassie continued, her fingers tapping against the steering wheel. “i didn’t see him for a while. that summer i met you, the month we took that drive…that was the first month i was clean. i’ve never told anyone.”

you looked down at the plastic cup holder between you. it was empty except for a few pennies and a gum wrapper.

“my turn,” you said.

cassie watched you, her shoulder leaning against her door. “you don't have to.”

“when i was younger, my mom died but she-she didn't have a heart attack. even though i told everyone that,” you hesitated. your voice was almost casual, the same way someone talks about the weather. “she used a rope in the garage.”

cassie’s hand stopped tapping.

“i went to school anyway,” you said, staring at your own shoes. “i had a biology quiz. i didn't tell the teacher. i just sat there looking at the clock until three o'clock. i told my boyfriend she was sick because it’s easier to say that than to explain everything.”

you turned your head back to the window. outside, you spotted a woman in a raincoat pushing a shopping cart. your eyes focused on her as your heartbeat settled.

“i wanted you to know,” you whispered. “that's all.”

cassie kept both hands on the wheel, her posture slightly slouched, now driving with a quiet precision. she didn’t look over at you. she just watched the brake lights of the car in front of you, her face completely still.

you reached out and touched the window. the glass was cold against your fingertips.

“is the house nice?” you asked.

“no,” cassie said. she moved her foot on the pedal as the light ahead turned yellow. “it had green carpet. it was ugly.”

“my mom's garage had bright green shelves,” you said, eyes tracking a single drop of water as it finally slid down the side window. “my dad painted them, but she hated the color.”

-

ten minutes later, cassie pulled into her driveway. the engine died, and the radio clicked off, it was quiet again. neither of you moved to get out, and through the windshield, you could see the front porch of the house.

“harrison’s at his father's until friday,” cassie said. “the house is empty.”

“can we just stay here for a minute?” you asked.

cassie let her hands drop from the wheel, resting them in her lap. she didn't look over, but she leaned her head back against the headrest, closing her eyes.

“yeah,” she whispered. “we can stay.”

the rain started to come down fast against the roof of the car. you let your head sink back against the headrest, copying cassie’s posture.

cassie’s hand was still resting loosely on the space between the seats, her fingers just an inch away from your sleeve. the weight of the secrets you had just told each other sunk into the quiet between you.

suddenly, your breath hitched. almost like your body was deciding this is when you’ve had enough of holding it together for so long.

it wasn't a nice buildup, it all just caved in on you. a sob tore out of your throat, sounding loud in the silence.

cassie shifted instantly, her eyes flying open. “hey hey, what’s wrong?”

you covered your face with both hands, your shoulders shaking violently as the tears tracked down your wrists. “he was right. i’m so fucked up,” you choked out. “i'm just... i'm completely fucked. he was right. nobody else is ever going to deal with me because i'm too much to…to fucking handle.”

“stop,” cassie said. she reached across the console, grasping your wrists and gently pulling your hands away from your face so she could look at you. “don't say that. he doesn't know anything.”

“but he's right!” you cried, eyes glassy, and desperate. “look at me. look at my life. my mom, my dad... everything i touch just falls apart. who is ever going to look at all of this shit and actually want it?”

cassie stared at you, her jaw tightening so hard a small muscle jumped near her ear. her dark eyes searched your wet face, full of a protective rush that she was clearly trying to keep a lid on.

“i would,” cassie said.

the words came out too fast, cutting through your panic like a knife.

cassie stilled. her breath caught in her throat, her lips staying slightly parted as the weight of what she had just said settled between you. she didn't look away, but her grip on your wrists loosened just a little, her fingers suddenly trembling.

your cries quieted into a ragged, uneven breathing. you stared back at cassie, your heart beating hard against your ribs again. “what?”

cassie swallowed hard. she looked down between your seats, suddenly tense.

“i mean...” cassie started, her voice lower now, hesitant, as she looked for the right, safe words. she cleared her throat, her thumb making a small, nervous twitch against your skin. “i mean...i care about you. obviously. i'm here.”

“cassie,” you whispered, leaning an inch closer over the console. “that’s not what you meant.”

cassie closed her eyes for a brief second, letting out a long breath. when she opened them, she looked directly into your eyes, her expression deeply vulnerable.

“it doesn't matter what i meant right now,” she murmured. “you’re exhausted. we need to get you inside.”

she didn't deny it, but she didn't say it again either. she just shifted her hand down, her fingers sliding into your palm and squeezing tight, a small gesture that felt like a promise she wasn’t allowed to give you yet.

cassie didn't want to wait a second longer. she shoved her door open into the rain. you moved a second later, your shoes hitting the wet gravel as your dragged your suitcase from the backseat.

the rain was soaking through your clothes before you even hit the bottom step of the porch. cassie was already at the door, her fingers clumsy and shaking as she jammed the key into the lock.

inside, you stood on the rug shivering, the water dripping from your jeans onto the floor. your suitcase sat by your ankles.

cassie dropped her keys on the table. she didn't turn on the lights. she just stood there in the dim night light coming through the door glass, her shirt damp at the shoulders, looking at you.

the distance between you on the small rug was barely a foot, but it felt wide. cassie’s hands were stuffed deep into her pockets, her shoulders hunched as she watched you shake.

everything she’s ever felt for you was still there, written plain in the line of her jaw and the way she wouldn't look down at the floor, but the walls were already going back up.

“you need dry clothes,” cassie said quietly.

“cassie–”

“follow me,” she murmured, her eyes softening for a second before she turned toward the hallway. “come upstairs. let’s get you warm first and then if you want to talk we’ll talk.”

cassie walked a step ahead, her back straight, her wet socks leaving faint prints on the wood. she didn't look back to see if you were following. she just kept moving up to the second floor.

you reached the bedroom at the end of the hall. cassie pushed the door open, letting it open wide into a room that smelled like fresh laundry.

cassie stepped inside, heading straight for the small laundry basket in the corner. she looked through it before pulling out a thick, black shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants.

“these should fit,” cassie said. she turned around, holding the clothes out like a shield between you, like she’d do something stupid if she stepped any closer to you. “they're clean.”

you didn't reach for them right away. you stood inside the doorway, arms wrapped tightly around your chest, still shivering in your soaked jacket.

“thank you,” you whispered.

cassie looked at you, her eyes scanning the line of your collarbone where the wet shirt clung to yiur skin. her jaw tightened, that same desperate expression flickering across her face before she forced her expression back into something blank.

she stepped forward, dropping the clothes onto the edge of the mattress.

“change out of those wet clothes,” cassie murmured, as she edged past you toward the door. “i'll go downstairs and make something warm.”

“cassie, wait.”

the words were out before you could stop them.

cassie paused right in the doorway, she didn't turn around fully, just shifting her head enough so she could look at you.

“please,” you said softly. “don’t do this again…don’t start acting like this.”

cassie’s shoulders dropped slightly, a slow breath escaping her lips.

“i have to,” she whispered. she didn't look back. “if i don't... we're both going to regret it.”

before you had the chance to say anything back, she stepped out into the hallway, footsteps fading down the stairs. you grunted and kicked the foot of the bed.

“fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,” you whispered repeatedly, as you freed yourself from your wet clothes.

you were hit with the exact same feeling you had when cassie left you in that motel room two years ago, while you were begging her to stay.

and then you remembered how your life looked like without her, how unbearable it was to live and breathe without having her by your side.

because no one made you feel the way she did, no one was as gentle and meant it, no one sat through your bad and sought for the good and meant it. everything that happened after her felt like a stupid joke.

you changed quickly, pulling cassie’s shirt over your head. you left your wet clothes in a pile by the door and sat on the edge of the bed, pulling your knees up to your chest looking for some comfort.

downstairs , the house was quiet except for the distant clink of a mug against the kitchen counter, and then the whistle of the kettle beginning to heat up.

you stared at the duvet between your legs. everything felt too real. the apartment you had lived in for two years, your boyfriend who had loved you like it was as easy as breathing but still told you that you were unlovable, it all felt like it belonged to someone else. the only thing that felt solid was the weight of cassie’s shirt against your skin.

ten minutes passed before the floorboards in the hallway creaked again.

cassie appeared in the doorway, carrying two mugs. she had changed out of her damp clothes into a simple, faded band t-shirt, her dark hair pulled back into a loose, messy knot at the base of her neck.

she stepped into the room, her movements careful as she set one of the mugs down on the small nightstand next to you.

“chamomile,” she said quietly. “it'll help with the shaking.”

“i'm not shaking anymore,” you whispered, though cassie could see your fingers still tucked tightly into the cuffs of your sleeves.

she didn't contradict you. she stood by the foot of the bed, holding her own mug with both hands, she looked completely exhausted.

the silence between you wasn't the angry kind from the apartment that your boyfriend had. it was the quiet of two people who had said too much and were now scared of the distance those same words had created.

“you should sleep after you finish that,” cassie murmured, still not looking at you.

you looked up, watching the slow rise and fall of cassie’s chest. “are you going to stay down there the whole night?”

cassie’s thumb traced the rim of her mug, a slow, nervous circle. she looked up then, her dark eyes meeting yours with a look that was so intensely weary, so full of that quiet, miserable need from the driveway, that you felt her own breath catch.

“it's better if i do,” she said softly.

she turned to leave, shoulder brushing against the doorframe, but she didn't move quickly. she stood there, her back to the room. she was waiting for something, for a reason to stop walking, or maybe just for the strength to keep going down the stairs.

“stay,” you whispered.

the words were raw, slipping out of you before you could stop them. your fingers dug into the thick cotton of your sleeves. “don't leave me alone in here.”

cassie froze. her back stayed toward the room, her head tilted slightly down. her shoulders went rigid beneath the thin fabric of her shirt.

“i can’t,” she murmured, and her voice sounded completely ruined. “you know i can’t.”

“i don’t,” you whispered, voice cracking as you leaned forward, your bare feet touching the cold floor. “i’m just asking you to sit here. you don’t have to say anything. you don’t have to explain what you said in the car. just... stay in the same room as me. please.”

a second ticked by on the small clock on the nightstand.

then, cassie turned around.

she set her mug down on the edge of the dresser. she didn't look at you as she walked across the room. her movements were almost heavy with defeat, her eyes fixed on the rumpled duvet.

she sat down on the very edge of the mattress, her back to you, her hands resting flat between her knees. she didn't lean back. she just sat there, her spine curved, looking out at the window.

“i'm here,” she whispered.

you shifted, sliding across the cool sheets until you were sitting right behind her. you didn't lean into her, and you didn't reach for her hand. you just sat close enough to feel the radiating heat of her shoulders, the two of you trapped in the void where everything was finally beginning to ache.

you moved forward an inch, your knees brushing against the small of cassie’s back, and then you let your forehead sink against the center of cassie’s shoulder blades.

beneath it, you could feel the ridge of her spine and the slow, heavy rise and fall of her ribs as she breathed.

the moment the weight of your head touched her, cassie went still. her hands, which had been resting between her knees, curled into loose fists. she didn't pull away, she was physically unable to, your head against her felt like everything she didn’t feel like she deserved, everything good.

“you're still cold,” cassie murmured after a long beat. her voice was vibrating through her bones and into your forehead, making the words feel less like words and more like a pulse.

“i’m not,” you whispered against her.

you kept your forehead pressed against her back, your eyes closed, listening to cassie’s heart through the thin cotton.

cassie slowly uncurled her fists. her right hand moved backward across the mattress, her knuckles dragging over the sheet until they met the bare skin of your ankle. she didn't squeeze. she left her palm resting there, her skin warm and rough against your cold skin.

“your feet are like ice,” cassie murmured.

“they're fine," you whispered.

you shifted your leg slightly, just enough to tuck your toes under the waistband of cassie’s sweatpants, seeking the heat. cassie’s thumb began to move in a slow circle against the side of your foot.

you took a deeper breath, the scent of cassie’s laundry soap and skin filling your head. for two years, you had forgotten how quiet cassie could be when she wasn't trying to be the adult in the room.

cassie tilted her head back, her hair catching on the collar of the shirt, her shoulder dropping just enough to cradle the side of your face against her back.

“we should turn the light off,” cassie whispered, though she didn't make a move toward the lamp.

“don’t,” you said against her shoulder blades. “it’s fine like this.”

you stayed exactly like that. there were no promises about tomorrow, and no names for what sat between you on the mattress.

cassie moved slowly, her back leaving your forehead for just a second as she turned around on the mattress to face you. she didn't move away, she just brought her legs up onto the bed, crossing them loosely.

in the dim light, cassie’s face was entirely soft, her blue eyes as she looked down at your bare feet, then reached out with both hands.

her palms were broad and incredibly warm as she wrapped them around your cold feet, her fingers rubbing the skin in slow, heavy strokes. she didn't say a word. she just looked down, her thumbs pressing into the arches of your feet. the touch felt more intimate than any confession.

you watched her. you watched the way cassie’s hair had fallen out of its knot, a few stray strands casting shadows across her cheekbones.

“cassie,” you whispered, the sound barely audible in the small space between you.

cassie paused her hands, her thumbs resting against your skin. she looked up, her eyes wide. “yeah?”

“come closer.”

cassie didn't hesitate this time, she moved like she was waiting for something to push her to. the caution was still there, but the need was heavier. she slid forward, her knees settling against your thighs. she reached up, her long fingers brushing a strand of damp hair away from your forehead, her knuckles lingering against the warm skin of your temple.

her touch was gentle, almost hesitant, as if she were afraid that if she pressed too hard, reality would shatter.

you leaned into her palm, your eyes closing as cassie’s thumb traced the line of your eyebrow, then slid down the side of your nose to touch the corner of your mouth. it was the quiet confirmation that you were both there, and that for tonight, the rest of the world was locked outside.

cassie dropped her forehead against your shoulder, her breath hot through the cotton of your shirt. she didn't move any further, her hands coming around to rest loosely on your waist, holding you.

you reached up, your fingers hesitating for a second before you touched the back of cassie’s neck, her skin warm under the stray hairs.

“cassie?” you whispered.

“yeah,” cassie murmured, her voice muffled against your shoulder. she didn't lift her head, but her grip on your waist tightened a little.

“what are you thinking about?”

cassie let out a breath that sounded like a laugh, though there wasn't any humor in it. she slowly lifted her head, her eyes finding yours. the lines around her eyes looked softer.

“i’m thinking about how quiet it is,” cassie said softly, with the hesitation of someone who knew exactly where the line was and was currently watching it disappear. “and i'm thinking about how i'm supposed to be the one who knows better.”

“you don't have to know better tonight,” you said, your heart giving a slow, heavy thud against your ribs. “nobody's watching us.”

cassie looked down at your mouth, her thumb tracing a small line against the fabric at your hip. she swallowed hard, the muscle in her jaw jumping.

“i really, really want to kiss you right now,” cassie whispered.

the confession hit with a terrifying weight. it wasn't quick, and it wasn't a mistake, it was just the truth. cassie had run out of lies.

your breath caught in your throat. you slid your hand up from the back of cassie’s neck, your fingers framing the side of cassie’s jaw, your thumb resting right against the racing pulse below her ear.

“then do it,” you whispered back. “please.”

she leaned in almost instantly, her mouth meeting yours with a gentle touch.

the kiss was slow, but still desperate. cassie’s lips were soft, parting yours with a gentle movement that felt less like an ending and more like a overdue conversation. there was no rush, no grabbing, it was just cassie’s hands sliding up your back, pulling you flush against her chest until there was no space left between you.

cassie’s mouth moved against yours with a practiced movement that felt heavy with everything she’d kept locked away from you. her hands moved up from your waist, her palms warm as they slid under your shirt, her fingers pressing into the bare skin of your back.

a small, shaky breath escaped your lips into the kiss, your fingers tangling in the hair at the base of cassie’s neck.

when cassie finally pulled back, her forehead rested against yours. her breathing was shallow, she looked completely undone.

“tell me,” cassie whispered, her voice thick with a vulnerability that made your chest ache. “are you sure? tell me if you want me to stop.”

“please don’t stop,” you whispered against her lips. “please, please don't.”

cassie didn't answer with words. she slid her hands down to the hem of your shirt, her movements hesitant, before she helped you slide it over your head, leaving it discarded on floor.

when cassie looked at you now, there was no caution in her eyes, and no shame. there was just tenderness. she leaned down, her lips tracing a path from your jawline down to the hollow of uour throat, pressing a soft, lingering kiss there that made your eyes close with pleasure.

you moved together under the cool sheets, but the bed didn't feel cold anymore.

when cassie hovered over you, framing your face with her hands, it felt completely exposed, more intimate than anything you had ever known.

the movement was slow, matching the steady hum of the rain against the glass. cassie’s fingers stayed tangled in yours, her grip tight as if she were anchoring both of you to the mattress.

you arched into her instinctively, your eyes watering from the overwhelming relief of being held this way. for the first time in so long, everything went completely silent.

“look at me,” cassie murmured, her voice trembling as she looked down into your eyes. her thumb wiped away a stray tear that had slipped down your temple. “i’ve got you. i’ve got you.”

then, she shifted, her thigh sliding between yours. she leaned down, her mouth finding the sensitive skin under your ear, her lips parting to leave kisses along your neck until your breath hitched.

“cass,” you breathed, your fingers tightening in her hair, pulling her closer, needing her, needing the absolute certainty of her.

“i know,” cassie whispered against your skin, her voice rough.

she moved her hand back down between your bodies, her long fingers tracing the curve of your hip before sliding down, her touch gentle as she found the center of the heat between your thighs again. you arched into the touch, your eyes closing tightly as a sweet ache rippled through you.

cassie’s fingers were steady, knowing exactly how to hold you, how to move against you in a way that made you feel consumed.

every small sound you made, the rustle of the sheets, the soft feeling of skin against skin, the ragged breathing, amplified the want more within her.

a low moan escaped cassie’s throat when you clenched around her fingers, her forehead dropping back against your shoulder as the tension finally broke, a shuddering release that left you shaking under her.

cassie didn't pull away. she stayed right where she was, her forehead resting in the hollow of your shoulder, her chest rising and falling against your breast. her body was relaxed now, the tension that had held her rigid drained out of her muscles.

you lay beneath her, fingers still loosely tangled in the strands at cassie’s neck. your heart was hammering a against cassie’s ribs, but the panic was gone.

slowly, cassie shifted her weight, rolling onto her side but keeping her arm draped heavily over your waist, pulling you back against her side. she tucked her chin into your hair, her breath warm against your temple.

“don’t move,” cassie whispered.

“i’m not going anywhere,” you said. you turned your head slightly, your nose brushing the soft skin of cassie’s neck.

cassie’s hand on your waist tightened, her fingers flat against your stomach, pulling you against her again as if you weren’t close enough.

she lazily shifted her arm, pulling the sheet down just an inch to tuck it tighter around your shoulder, her thumb caught on a texture she didn’t recognize. she leaned up slightly on one elbow, her hair falling forward over her shoulder. her eyes tracked down to the soft skin just above your hip bone.

there, half hidden by the shadow of the sheets, was a small patch of ink.

cassie reached out, her finger tracing the line of it. it was small, clean set of coordinates, or maybe a tiny minimalist shape, the edges sharp and fresh compared to the older ink on your body. it definitely hadn't been there two summers ago, not that cassie remembers.

“what's this?” cassie asked softly.

you tensed at the cool air hitting your skin, but as cassie’s warm finger continued to trace the design, you let out a slow breath and looked down.

“oh,” you whispered, your eyes fixing on cassie's hand against your hip. “i got that last winter. when things were... really bad with my boyf– my ex.”

cassie’s finger stopped moving, resting flat against the ink. you didn't say your boyfriend's name, you didn't want him in this room.

cassie looked up from the tattoo, her dark eyes finding your face, searching it.

“what does it mean?” cassie murmured, her thumb making a small, comforting stroke against your skin, waiting for the story.

“it's the highway marker,” you said quietly. “the one right outside wheeling. where your car broke down and we had to sit on the hood for four hours waiting for the tow truck.”

cassie’s finger stilled against the small ink lines, the warmth of her palm seeping into your hip. her eyes widened slightly, her gaze dropping back down to the numbers tattooed into your skin.

“you remembered the coordinates?” cassie whispered.

“i didn't have to look them up,” you said, turning your head on the pillow to face her. “i remembered the sign. i stared at it while you were screaming into your phone at the triple a. it was the last day before everything got complicated. before you stopped talking.”

an emotional silence caved into the space between you. cassie looked at the ink, then back up at your face, her expression completely bare, filled with a sudden realization of just how deeply she had been carried through those two years of silence.

“i thought you hated that day,” cassie murmured, her voice cracking slightly. “you were miserable because the ac was broken.”

“i was happy,” you said softly, your thumb finding cassie’s wrist, feeling the beat of her pulse. “it was the only place i wanted to be.”

cassie let out a breath that sounded almost like a sob, though her eyes stayed clear. she leaned down, her forehead resting right above the tattoo. she pressed her lips to the skin just above the ink, a quiet kiss that felt like an apology for every single day she spent without you.

then your back starts to ache, and you realize you’re on the floor. one of your legs is tangled in a blanket that smells like someone awfully familiar.

cassie.

you sit up too fast and immediately regret it, your head pounding from last nights drinks.

“fuck,” you whisper, pressing a hand over your eyes.

memories of the night before come back wrong. a bit bent around the edges. your boyfriend confessing to you that he finds you difficult, you storming out onto the deck, cassie appearing behind you and then everything after dissolves into static.

you look around slowly, your pounding head trying to piece the clues of where you were together. not your room. definitely not your room.

there’s a duffel bag next to the dresser. you spot black jeans thrown over a chair, and silver rings lined up on the nightstand. your stomach drops.

“oh my god.”

you look beside you quickly, but the space was empty. cassie wasn’t laying next to you, she wasn’t even on the bed.

before you could stop yourself, your brain gives possibilities faster than you can stop it. thoughts of having sex with cassie flooded your mind, but no, no, you’d remember that. wouldn’t you?

it takes everything in you to push yourself up, still wrapped halfway in the blanket, and stumble toward the door.

the energy in the cabin is quieter than it was last night. you can hear soft chatter downstairs, cabinets opening and closing, a coffee machine sputtering.

“you sleep well?”

cassie stood at the end of the hallway holding a mug of coffee. her hair was wet and pulled back messily, dark circles under her eyes like she barely slept. she’s already dressed, in a white shirt and blue jeans.

“yeah, uh,” you rub at your forehead. “why was i sleeping on your floor?”

cassie looks down at her mug. “well, you were drunk. you had an argument with your boyfriend.”

“right.” you whispered, then paused looking down at your feet then back up at her. “did we…like-did something happen?”

cassie’s shoulders tensed. if she told you the truth, there was no going back. and looking at you right now, oblivious and bracing for the worst, a wave of hesitation hit her.

tell her.

tell her i held her wrist against my heart for three hours because i was too weak to push her away.

“cassie?” you spoke, a little more anxious this time. “oh god. did i do something stupid?”

cassie couldn’t look at you now. she had about three seconds to choose her lie or her truth.

“no,” she says quickly. “no, nothing happened.”

a lie that tasted weird on her lips, the same lips that remembers yours from a couple hours ago. the same lips that kissed her first, tasting of everything that was bound to ruin her.

cassie’s body close to yours while you curled beside her on the floor sometime after three in the morning, your voice wrecked with sleep when you whispered

you don’t have to leave me behind to fix yourself, cass. you can change, but you can still choose me

“you needed somewhere to sleep,” she says.

you stare at her for another second, trying to read something in her face, you nod, a wave of relief washing over you as you take her word for it. you actually believe her. you think you just fell asleep.

“okay,” you breathe, offering a small smile. “good. i was worried i made a fool of myself.”

“never,” cassie says, her thumb tracing the ceramic rim of her mug over and over, trying to forget the exact pressure of your lips against hers.

-

after taking a hot shower to help relax your muscles, you find your boyfriend in the kitchen downstairs digging through the cabinets when you finally decide to rejoin society.

he looks like he’s had a rough night as well. his hair was sticking up everywhere, and he was wearing sunglasses indoors like an idiot.

he spots you immediately, and his entire body stills. he’s frozen mid reach, one hand gripped around a box of cereal, the dark lenses of his sunglasses completely hiding his eyes, but you can feel the exact weight of his stare anyway.

he slowly lowers the cereal box onto the counter, his movements stiff, like he's trying not to make any noises that might hurt his own head.

“morning,” he says. he doesn't move towards you, just stays near the kitchen counter, watching you hover until you land near him.

he clears his throat, trying and failing to look casual. “you, uh... you want some water?”

you don’t respond.

parker, who was sitting on the kitchen island eating cereal, slips awkwardly past you and disappears outside the second she sensed the tension.

your boyfriend exhales through his nose. “where did you go last night?”

“i don’t think i owe you that answer.”

his face pinches. “are we still doing this?”

“you talked about me like i’m some kid. so yeah, we’re still doing this.”

“i was drunk.”

“and?”

“and you were yelling at me,” he snaps, his voice rising enough to make him wince.

“you’re unbelievable,” you scoff.

“i don’t even remember half the fight.”

“well, i do.”

that finally gets him to look at you properly. he reaches up, pulling the sunglasses off his face with an annoyed grunt, letting them drop onto the counter with a clatter.

there’s something in his face. not remorse. more like irritation that this is continuing into the morning, that he has to deal with the consequences of a night he already crossed off.

“you can’t say shit like that,” you say quietly, the coldness in your voice surprises you. “and then expect me to excuse you because you had a couple drinks?”

he laughs quietly, looking away toward the window. “okay.”

“no, seriously. you’re a piece of shit.”

he doesn’t speak, he doesn’t defend himself, he doesn’t even move. the only sign that he heard you was the way his bloodshot eyes slightly squinted.

“a piece of shit,” he repeats. his voice is flat.

he takes a step back, leaning against the sink, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. there’s no apology in his posture. he’s just digging his heels in, the irritation turning into something bitter.

“i was drunk, you were drunk. we had an argument. it happens. but you have to turn it into some grand act because god forbid you ever just let something go,” he says, a humorless smile at the corner of his mouth.

before you got the chance to respond, cassie walks around the corner, stopping short at the sight of the both of you.

she takes in the scene, you standing by him, your boyfriend holding the edge of the sink with his jaw clenched.

“oh,” cassie says, her eyes darting between you and him. she holds a set of keys, her fingers wrapping around them to stop them from jingling. “sorry, i didn’t mean to interrupt. i was looking for my jacket.”

your boyfriend blinks, his face going back into something softer than the glare he had on. he clears his throat, as if he hadn’t just been on the verge of a rage fit.

“hey,” he says. “no, you’re fine. we were…getting breakfast started.”

cassie doesn’t look at him. her eyes lock onto yours, checking the look in your eyes, silently asking if you were okay. she stays right where she is.

“actually,” cassie says, keeping her gaze on you, “i was hoping you'd come up and help me look for it?”

“yeah, of course,” you say.

you don't look back at your boyfriend as you move away from the counter. you walk right past him, your shoulder barely missing his, but you can feel his eyes burning into the side of your face. he doesn’t say anything to stop you.

cassie steps back into the hallway to give you space, then turns to walk beside you as you head toward the stairs. she keeps her pace matched to yours, her shoulder brushing against yours as you climb up.

when you finally reach the top of the stairs, cassie stops in the hallway, looking at you.

“you don’t actually have to help me find the jacket,” she says quietly, so your boyfriend wouldn’t be able to hear. “i know where it is.”

“i figured.”

“i heard what he said,” she says with no hesitation in her voice, no carefulness around your relationship status. “he’s a jerk.”

“yeah. i told him he was a piece of shit”

“you did?” cassie’s eyebrows shot up, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

“yeah.”

“good.” she says softly, reaching out, her hand hovering before her fingers gently catch your sleeve, tugging you toward her room. “come here.”

she pulls you inside and shuts the door behind you. the room is exactly how you left it a few minutes ago, the blankets on the floor where you layed with cassie still there.

cassie doesn't go back to the bed. she stays by the door, leaning her back against it, watching you as you sink down onto the edge of her mattress.

then she walks over, sitting down on the floor right in front of you, crossing her legs.

“are you okay?” she asks, looking up at you.

“i don’t know,” you shrug.

your mind tugs at the blank space in your memory again. the blurry image of her face close to yours, the smell of her shirt.

“cassie,” you say, her name slipping out before you can stop it.

“yeah?”

“are you sure nothing happened last night?” you look at her closely.

cassie freezes. she doesn’t look away, she never looks away, but her throat moves as she swallows.

“you don't remember,” she says, her voice almost a breath. it’s not a question.

“i remember some bits,” you admit, your heart starting to hammer against your ribs. “i remember being on the floor. i remember... getting closer to you. did i do something?”

cassie feels her heartbeat everywhere at once.

she should tell you.

she should just tell you the truth. you kissed her. your hands were shaking when you did it. you looked at her like you were terrified of still wanting her and did it anyway.

she knows exactly what happens if she says it out loud. the night comes ripping back open and every old wound with it. every moment the two of you spent pretending this thing between you was manageable as long as nobody acknowledged it directly.

you barely survived it the first time.

neither of you did, really.

her mind flashes to the feeling of your mouth against hers, soft for a second before it became desperate. like you were trying to say something you didn’t know how to say sober.

and god, she wanted to answer you.

what if you regret it, if you pull away, apologize, decide it was just the alcohol, cassie genuinely doesn’t think she can survive reopening this just to lose it again.

so she lies to you.

“we just talked. you were really upset about the fight, and you fell asleep,” she says easily, reaching out and giving your knee a reassuring squeeze before pulling her hand back. “that’s it. i promise.”

a knock on the door interrupted the moment, your boyfriend’s voice from the other end made cassie back away from you.

“babe? can we just go home? we’re both exhausted. let’s just get in the car and talk about this on the way back.”

cassie looks back at you. “you don’t have to go with him.”

“unfortunately, i live with him,” you say, eyes dropping to your hands.

“no, i mean i can take you home,” cassie offers, lowering her voice so your boyfriend wouldn’t hear the two of you talking.

“but what about your–”

“this isn’t about her, she’s not even my girlfriend,” cassie interrupts and studies your hesitation for a moment. “you can say no.”

“i don’t know if it’s a good idea. i mean i haven’t-we haven’t been around each other for longer than an hour in years.”

“you can say no.” cassie repeats.

you look at her then, really look at her. the way she was sat in front of you silently wanting you to say yes and be hers again even if it’s just for a couple lf hours.

“okay, yes,” you nod quicker than expected.

“baby?” your boyfriend calls.

cassie gets up and heads for the door, pulling it open and watches the way your boyfriend straightens up at the sight of her. “i’m driving her back.”

her lets out a dry laugh. “thanks cassie but we live together. so i don’t really see the point in that.”

“i don’t want to get in a car with you,” you say, feeling the coldness returning to your body.

“come on baby,” he steps forward, his face pinching with irritation. “you’re going to make a scene over a stupid argument? come on. let's go home.”

cassie steps right in front of him. “you heard her. she he just said no. if you want to go home, go. she can crash at my place tonight.”

your boyfriend stands dumbfounded, looking from cassie, to you, and back to cassie.

“when did you two get so close?” he asks, his voice dropping.

when did you two get close? it feels like a trick question. two years ago. a humid month in a beat up car, driving through state lines until we ran out of road and ended up in a motel.

i spent months putting myself back together after she hurt me, eventually finding something stable, with the man standing waiting fir me now.

and yet, looking at cassie right now, the anger and the memory of that abandonment are fighting with the realization that even after two years of silence, one night on her floor was all it took to pull you right back into her orbit.

cassie had spent those two years pretending she didn’t regret it. hut seeing you end up with a guy like this who makes you look this small is a sickening mirror. cassie knows she doesn't have the right to be the protector here. she knows she gave up that right the second she walked out. but looking at the exhaustion in your eyes, she realizes she’d rather face the wreckage of your past than let you spend one more night with a man that didn’t deserve you. even if she didn’t deserve you either.

you boyfriend scoffs and looks past cassie's shoulder, trying to lock eyes with you. “you're going to crash at a stranger’s house because of a stupid argument? grow up.”

“fuck you. i am grown,” you say, your voice finally finding its stability, shaking just enough to betray the adrenaline spiking in your veins. “that's why i'm leaving.”

“fine,” he snaps. “go. play whatever little game you're playing. but don't expect me to be waiting around when you realize you're being ridiculous.”

he doesn't wait for a response. he storms back into the hallway. the heavy thud of the front door slamming shut echoes through the house.

and then, it’s just the two of you.

you look at cassie's back, your heart hammering against your ribs.

cassie slowly turns around to look at you.

“my car's out back,” she says quietly, her voice now soft in a way that always undid you. “let's get your stuff.”

-

you lean your head against the cold window and watch buildings streak by. the adrenaline from earlier has burned out of your system, leaving nothing behind except that awful hurt spreading through your chest.

“you can take the bedroom tonight,” cassie says so quietly you almost miss it. her eyes never leave the road. “i’ll sleep on the couch.”

“cassie, no.” your voice comes out raw. “it’s your house. i can take the couch.”

“i’m not making you sleep on a couch,” her tone stubborn and soft at the same time. “let me do this. please.”

you swallow the lump in your throat, looking over at her. she’s being good to you and it only drives you more into confusion.

“you didn’t have to do that,” you whisper.

cassie’s thumb twitches against the steering wheel. “do what?”

“taking me home. defending me against my boyfriend.”

cassie slows the car as she approaches a red light, bringing it to a stop. finally, she turns her head to look at you. it was the exact same look she gave you before she opened the door to leave you two years ago.

“i wasn't going to let him talk to you like that,” she says, her voice low.

you let out a breath, looking away from her, back out at the road.

“what, you’re like some savior now?” you whisper, anger running through your veins.

cassie doesn't step on the gas even when the light turns green, letting the car roll on momentum.

“i’m not trying to be a savior,” she says. “i’m trying to be a friend.”

“is that what we are? friends?” you laugh. you turn in your seat to look at her, your chest heaving.

cassie’s grip on the wheel turns white. she pulls the car over to the curb, hitting the hazards with a click.

when she finally turns to look at you, her eyes are swimming. the facade she wore in front of your boyfriend is gone.

“you think i didn't care?” she asks. “you think walking away didn't hurt me? i was terrified. you were getting under my skin in a way that scared the hell out of me, and i ran. it was stupid, and i have spent every single day since then wishing i had just stayed."

she takes a shaky breath, her stare locked onto yours.

“but seeing you with him? seeing you let some guy make you feel like you're a burden for existing?" she says. “i couldn't sit and listen to it. i couldn't. call me whatever you want, hate me for what i did, you have every right to, but don't you dare tell me i don't care about you.”

your heart is hammering so hard it hurts your ribs. the air in the car is thick with the unsaid. you stare at her, your vision blurring as your tears spill over.

“i wish you’d stayed as well,” you choke out. “but you don’t get to come back two years later and tell me how hard it was for you to leave me.”

“i know," she whispers. “i know. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.”

“i built a whole new life just to forget you,” you say, your voice a desperate whisper, your hands gripping the edge of the passenger seat just to keep from reaching for her. “ i found someone safe. and now i'm sitting in this fucking car, and it feels like all that progress didn't even happen.”

she looks at your mouth, and for a second, the space between you vanishes.

she wants to tell you. you can see the truth fighting its way up her throat. she wants to tell you that you didn't forget her, that your body remembered her even when your mind couldn't, that you kissed her and begged her to stay.

but she forces the truth back down. she protects the lie, even as it chokes her.

“this doesn’t have to mean anything,” she whispers, her hand trembling as she reaches across, her fingers hovering above your knee, desperate to touch you.

you look down at her shaking hand, leaning your head back against the glass of the window, feeling defeated.

“just drive,” you whisper into the cold glass. “cassie, please. just drive.”

-

the rest of the drive was a blur, you spaced out for the entire way home. a part of you was anticipating getting a glimpse of cassie’s life, she was so closed off you barely knew anything about her, going to her house and staying there might give you hints on who she really is.

when she pulls into the driveway of a small house on the edge of town, she kills the engine.

“we’re here,” she says softly.

you get out of the car, grabbing your bag from the backseat. cassie leads the way up the porch steps., she pushes the front door open, expecting a house where everyone is away.

she thinks her son is at her parents' place for the weekend. she thinks she has time to hide her life, just like she always does.

she’s wrong.

the smell of waffles and maple syrup hits you. from the kitchen down the hall, a little voice cuts through the house.

“mommy!”

cassie freezes in her tracks. the keys slip from her fingers, clattering against the floor.

before she can move, a boy with wide eyes comes running around the corner, a toy clutched in his hand. he stops short when he sees you standing in the entryway, blinking up at the stranger in his house.

you stop breathing. because he looks like her, he has her eyes. not exactly, but enough to make something cold settle in your stomach.

the boy blinks at you curiously. “who’s that?”

cassie still hasn’t moved.

“hi baby, can you go back into the kitchen for me?” she says, but her voice comes out thin and fragile.

“but-”

“please.”

cassie looks like she’s about to faint. her chest is heaving, her eyes darting from her son to you, her hands shaking, she can’t even pick up the keys she dropped. the carefully constructed wall she built around herself, has collapsed.

a man appears behind him a second later, older, tired looking. probably cassie’s dad.

“harrison,” cassie chokes out. she drops to her knees, her hands gripping the little boy’s shoulders, partly to hold herself up and partly to turn him away from the look on your face. “sweetie, go back into the kitchen with grandpa for a second, okay? mommy has a friend over.”

“come on,” cassie’s dadsays gently, taking his hand. “let’s go eat.”

the little boy pouts but lets him pull him away.

you can't breathe. your lungs feel like they're full of glass. you stand paralyzed by the doorway, your hands gripping the strap of your bag.

you step back, your heel hitting the front door. you look at cassie, and it feels like you're looking at a complete stranger. every memory, every tear you shed over her leaving you, it all feels dirty. It all feels fake.

“i can’t–i can’t be here,” you manage as you frantically turn around to open the door and escape this hell.

“no, wait please,” cassie slams her hand on the door trapping you between her and the door behind you. “please listen to me.”

“how old is he?” you asked.

“what?”

“how old is he?”

“five,” cassie breathes out, closing her eyes.

which means when you met her two years ago, he was already there. three years old somewhere while you and cassie drove across state lines and slept in cheap motel rooms and built something you thought was real.

you laugh once under your breath. “this is fucking crazy.”

“please–”

“you have a kid,” your voice trembling. “and you never said anything.”

“i know how this looks,” cassie’s face crumples.

“how this looks?” you stare at her. “what the fuck is wrong with you, cassie?”

“i didn’t know how to tell you.”

“how do you not mention something like that?”

“i was scared,” she bites her lip as tears start to well up in her eyes. this the most vulnerable you’ve seen her and it was taking everything in you not to just hold her.

“of what? me finding out you had a life outside of me?”

“no,” cassie looks at you, eyes red and desperate. “of you seeing what my life actually looked like.”

you didn’t know what to say, you just kept staring at her.

“i was scared, that you wouldn’t have wanted me anymore if you found out.” she swallows hard. “if you knew i had a kid, if you saw what my life actually looked like, you would’ve left.”

something sharp twists in your chest.

“how do you know that?” you ask immediately.

“look–”

“no,” you step closer before you can stop yourself. “how the fuck did you decide that for me?”

“you were twenty one.”

“so?”

“you were free!” her voice cracks slightly. “you could’ve had anything. anybody. why would you tie yourself to somebody with a kid and baggage and–”

“i didn’t want anybody! what don’t you understand?” you snap. “i fucking loved you, cassie.”

“no, you don’t mean that,” she says quietly. “love is stupid, it’s not enough. people say it when they’re lying. or cheating. or about to leave.”

she wipes at her face. “eventually it just starts sounding like something people say to make themselves feel better.”

“and you think that’s what this was?”

“no.” her voice breaks slightly. “that’s what made it scary.”

you don’t know what to say to that.

because the issue isn’t that cassie didn’t love you enough. it’s that she loved you so much and still didn’t believe love could save either of you.

“i did love you,” you repeat, tears burning behind your eyes. “and you just decided that for me. you decided i’d leave before i even got the chance to stay.”

cassie shakes her head immediately.

“you don’t understand–”

“no, i don’t understand,” you say. “because i spent so long thinking i wasn’t enough for you. thinking there was something wrong with me. and the entire time, you were sitting here convincing yourself i would’ve stopped loving you because what? you had a kid?”

“i was scared.”

“so was i!” you almost yell, your eyes locked on cassie’s red face.

cassie presses the heel of her hand against her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to hold herself together.

“you don’t get it,” she whispers. “people look at you differently after stuff like that. after becoming somebody’s mother. it’s like…” she laughs bitterly through tears. “it’s like they stop seeing you as a person first.”

your chest aches so badly it feels unbearable.

“so you thought i’d stop seeing you too?”

“i was ashamed of myself,” she says through tears. “if i stayed, eventually you would’ve seen the rest of my life. the ugly parts. the hard parts and i couldn’t survive watching you realize i wasn’t what you thought i was.”

“you should’ve let me decide that,” you whisper.

cassie nods slowly without looking at you.

“i know.”

the kitchen gets louder for a second, harrison laughing at something on TV, cassie’s father talking softly over the sound of dishes.

normal sounds. real life sounds.

it made you feel suffocated, like the walls were about to crush you in.

“this feels fucking humiliating.”

cassie drags her hands down her face and takes a shaky breath.

“let’s sit down,” she says weakly.

you wanted to laugh. instead, you drop your bag by the door and follow her into the living room, sitting next to each other on the couch. neither of you look at each other.

“i hated you for a while,” you admit. “i mean really hated you. i thought you used me and got bored. and then i thought maybe i imagined the whole thing. like maybe it meant more to me than it did to you.”

“no,” she says too fast, her eyes welling up with tears again. “it wasn’t nothing. it was never nothing.”

your chest tightens so hard it pisses you off.

“then why did you leave?”

cassie leans her head back against the cushion behind her.

“because i went home.”

“what does that mean?” you frown slightly.

“it means reality came back.” she wipes under her eyes with her sleeve. “i got home and harrison ran up to me and wanted cereal and cartoons and my dad was asking if i’d finally gotten my shit together and suddenly the entire trip felt insane.”

you don’t say anything, deciding to stay quiet and listen to her.

“i remember looking at you asleep that last morning,” she says softly. “and all i could think was, that you were just a girl and you had no idea what you were getting yourself into.”

the word girl stings more than it should. she said it like you were just some kid to her. cassie notices immediately.

“i don’t mean–”

“no, it’s fine.” you look away. “i get it now.”

“that’s not what i meant.”

“you were right though, weren’t you?” you ask quietly. “you were older. you had responsibilities and a kid. i was just…” you shrug helplessly. “some twenty one year old who fell in love with the first person who made her feel like she’s worth something like she’s finally seen.”

”don’t say that, you made me feel seen too,” she says firmly, even with her tears. the sincerity in her voice makes your stomach turn. because you believe her. that’s the problem.

you believe every word she’s saying and you still don’t know if you can forgive her.

the kitchen door opened and both of you look up immediately. cassie’s dad steps halfway into the hallway, hesitating when he sees your red faces.

“harrison wants to know if your friend likes waffles,” he says carefully.

cassie looks mortified.

you actually almost laugh this time. not because it’s funny. because the situation is so painfully human that your brain doesn’t know what else to do with it.

cassie covers her face with one hand. “dad, please.”

“what?” her dad says gently. “the kid’s asking.”

before you can think too hard about it, you hear yourself say.

“yeah. i like waffles.”

cassie looks at you immediately. a stunned look on her face. her dad nods once before turning around to disappear into the kitchen.

“i’ll make another plate,” he says softly.

“you don’t have to stay,” she whispers.

“i know.” the two words feel heavy in your mouth.

“but you are.” it’s not a question. it’s a quiet observation, her gaze dropping to your hands on your knees, then back up to your face, searching for a hint of the anger that was just there.

you swallow hard, the muscles in your throat tight. your hand twitches against your jeans.

“i think so.”

cassie’s eyes fill again at that, the tears welling up and spilling over her lower lids before she can even blink. the raw look on her face is too much to look at, too real.

almost.

-

the bubble bursts about an hour later.

you’re sitting at cassie’s small kitchen table, staring into a mug of black coffee you haven't touched. cassie’s dad left twenty minutes ago, taking harrison to the park after a conversation with cassie by the back door. the house is finally quiet.

then your phone starts vibrating against the table.

the screen lights up with your boyfriend’s name and his picture. it buzzes three times, cuts off, and instantly starts vibrating again. he’s not letting it go to voicemail.

cassie is standing by the sink, her back to you. the second the phone starts ringing, her shoulders tense up. she doesn't turn around, but you can see her reflection in the window above the sink, her eyes are fixed on the reflection of the phone on the table.

you slide your thumb across the screen and put the phone to your ear. you don't even say hello.

“are you done?” his voice comes through the speaker, entirely stripped of the patience he was trying to fake this morning. he’s back in your apartment, and you can hear the sound of his television in the background. “are you done throwing your tantrum?”

you swallow, your voice feeling small. “i’m not throwing a tantrum.”

“good. then get in an uber and come home,” he snaps. “i’m not doing this with you, babe. i’m not playing into to whatever weird breakdown your having. you left your house keys here anyway, so you can't even get in unless i’m home."

the reminder of the keys makes your stomach drop.

across the kitchen, cassie slowly turns around. she’s watching your face.

“i’m not coming back today,” you say into the phone.

an irritated sigh comes through the line. “fuck. are you serious? over what? because i stayed over at my ex’s house? you’re going to stay at the house of a woman who is a complete stranger to you, because of an argument about something taht happened before we were dating?"

your eyes dart up to cassie. she doesn't move, she looks down at the floor.

“you don't know anything about her,” you whisper, your grip tightening on the phone.

”i know you're using her to avoid fixing your own shit. look, i’m going out with the guys in an hour. if you’re not back here by the time i get home tonight to talk about this like an adult, don't bother coming back tomorrow to get your clothes. i’ll just leave them outside." he fires back, his voice rising.

the line goes dead.

you slowly lower the phone, the silence of the kitchen rushing back in to fill the space.

he didn't just ask you to come home, he drew a line in the sand, using the apartment, your clothes, your entire stable, to force you into coming back.

cassie watches you, her hands flat against the edge of the counter behind her. she looks at the phone in your hand, then up at your eyes.

“what did he say?” she asks quietly.

-

the front door of your apartment was left unlocked.

you push it open and step into the living room. you drop your bag by the door and walk into the bedroom.

your suitcase is in the top of the closet. you pull it down, the heavy thud of it hitting the mattress. you don't even look at the hangers, you just start grabbing handfuls of your clothes from the dresser, shoving them into the open bag without folding them.

then the click of the door lock makes you freeze, a handful of shirts clutched against your chest.

the thud of his boots echoes, followed by the rattle of his keys hitting the entryway bowl. he wasn't supposed to be back for hours, but the silence from the living room tells you he’s alone. and he’s sober enough to be angry.

“baby?”

you don't answer. you stand still by the bed, your heart hammering against your ribs.

footsteps approach the bedroom door. when he steps into the frame, he’s already taking off his jacket, his eyes sweeping over the open suitcase on the mattress, the half empty drawers, and finally, you.

he lets out a mocking laugh, leaning his shoulder against the doorframe. “oh, wow.”

“i’m just getting my things,” you say. your voice sounds small compared to how loud your pulse is in your ears.

“i can see that,” he walks fully into the room, you felt like you were being backed into a corner. “look babe you don’t have to–”

“please, you’ve said enough,” you interrupted him, holding a hand up to shut him up. “was i some part of your weird fantasy? of fixing the fucked up girl? you’re only with me because you wanted to prove you could manage or heal me.”

“that’s not what i meant,” he snaps, his hands shoving deep into his pockets as he tries to regain the upper hand. “i was scared of committing. people get cold feet. i didn't hide anything from you.”

“no, you just hid your feelings,” you say, your voice dropping to a whisper. “you sat there and told me i was too much to deal with, because you couldn't handle a real relationship.”

“i came back,” he defends himself. he takes a step back, looking at the messy room. “i put a roof over your head. i’d like to see you go find out how long anyone else puts up with your shit.”

“i don't need anyone to put up with me,” you say, your voice steady despite the stinging in your eyes. “i just need you to get out of my way.”

he stares at you, realizing he's lost his grip on the conversation. with a scoff, he turns on his heel and storms out of the bedroom. the door slams so hard the framed prints on the bedroom wall rattle against the drywall.

you stand alone in the room, looking at the closed suitcase. your chest is aching, your hands are shaking.

and then the sobs catch in your throat, ripping out of you in ugly bursts.

it’s too much. the entire day is just crashing down on you at once, the car ride, cassie’s secret son, and now your boyfriend and this bedroom.

you spent the next two hours flat on your back, staring at the ceiling while your thoughts eat you alive. every time you closed your eyes, you see her again.

it had been a month since you’ve last seen her. thirty days of absolute silence, days that you spent trying so hard to forget about her, just for her to appear again and make all of that progress useless.

you could spend weeks, years even building up your walls, convincing yourself that what you need is your boyfriend and that your life was finally on track, but all it took was one second of cassie being in the same room to demolish everything. cassie still had this hold over you, no matter how many times you tell yourself you’re done.

just knowing she’s downstairs made your skin feel tight. you hated how easily she could throw you off balance without even trying. she hasn’t even said two words to you yet this weekend, and your brain was consumed by her.

by the time you had enough of burning holes into the ceiling with your eyes, you finally drag yourself downstairs.

it smells like breakfast. the scent of pancakes, bacon, and coffee all hit you as you were halfway down the stairs. you spot your boyfriend immediately, standing next to jack, leaning against a counter holding a mug with his two hands.

everything feels normal. you didn’t.

your boyfriend looks up when the stairs creak, a look of genuine relief floods his face.

“hey, baby,” he says, setting his mug down and walking over to meet you at the bottom of the stairs. he reaches out, hands sliding into your hair, thumb rubbing circles on your temple. “how’s your head?”

“much better,” you lie, forcing a laugh. “i need some coffee though.”

“sit down. i made a fresh pot.”

you follow him to the long wooden dining table that was between the kitchen and living room. you sat with your back to the porch door, trying to drown yourself in the smell of the coffee.

the door behind you opened. you didn’t have to look. you knew the sound of her boots.

cassie stepped inside, hair tied back in a loose knot, and her eyes were slightly bloodshot. you naively thought that she might’ve also had trouble sleeping.

she stopped dead when she saw you sitting there. almost like she can’t believe you were actually here and not some fucked up dream she couldn’t wake up from.

“morning,” jack called out from the stove. “it’s freezing out there.”

“it’s fine,” cassie said. she didn’t turn to look at jack, her eyed were still on your back. “i needed some air.”

your boyfriend turned around from the counter, holding a plate of eggs. “hey, cassie. your girl still passed out?”

your girl.

your jaw tightened.

cassie broke her stare on your back, looking at your boyfriend with a flat expression. “yeah. she’s not a morning person.”

you scoff under your breath, but cassie hears it.

“well, there’s plenty of food when she gets up,” your boyfriend said cheerfully. he set the plate fown in front of you, leaning over to press a kiss to the top of your head. “eat up, babe.”

cassie watched the kiss. you turned to look at her then, the way her fingers tightened around her lighter before she shoved it into her pocket.

“i’m gonna take a shower,” she muttered.

you stared down at the eggs on your plate, your appetite completely gone.

-

by the time it was four in the afternoon, someone had dragged a bluetooth speaker out to the deck. the kitchen counter was buried under bags of ice, solo cups, half empty bottles of tequila, and a massive bowl of watermelon slices your boyfriend had cut up with a dull knife.

the cabin had a small pool in the backyard, surrounded by tall pines that blocked the wind.

you were upstairs in the cold bedroom, standing in front of the small vanity mirror. you’d spent the last twenty minutes staring at the bikini you decided to bring, a simple dark purple two piece that tied at the hips. it wasn’t flashy, but it left a lot of skin bare.

you threw an oversized white linen button down over it, leaving the buttons undone so it just hung off your shoulders.

when you walked out onto the back deck, the sun was hitting the water, turning it a bright turquoise against the dark wood of the cabin.

your boyfriend was already in his swim trunks, standing by the grill with jack, a beer in his hand. he looked up when the screen door banged shut, his eyes softening instantly as you walked over.

he smiled, reaching up to wrap an arm around your waist, pulling you against his side. “you look beautiful.”

“thanks,” you murmured, leaning into his chest, hand resting on his shoulder.

across the deck, sitting on the edge of a lounge chair, was cassie.

she was wearing a a black bikini top under an unbuttoned flannel, her long legs stretched out in front of her. she was listening to her ‘girlfriend’, who was sitting sideways on her lap, laughing loudly and tracing the line of cassie’s collarbone with a wet finger from her drink.

but cassie wasn’t looking at the women on her lap.

the exact second you stepped onto the deck, cassie’s head had turned.

her eyes scanned you from your bare ankles, up the line of your legs, to the fabric of your swimsuit beneath the open shirt. her gaze lingered on your waist, right where your boyfriend’s hand was against your bare skin. her pupils dilated.

she looked sick with envy.

cassie’s girlfriend leaned down to kiss the edge of her jaw, but cassie didn't even blink. her stare was locked onto you, completely ignoring the girl in her lap. she took a slow sip from her cup, her eyes never breaking contact with yours, her gaze so hot it felt like it was burning the clothes right off your body.

“babe?” your boyfriend’s voice broke through the noise. “you want a drink? jack’s making margaritas.”

“a margarita sounds great,” you replied, your voice s little breathless as you force your eyes away from cassie’s stare.

you stepped away from his arm, needing some space because the air on the deck suddenly felt suffocating. you walked over to the edge of the pool, kicking off your sandals.

“oh, let me help you with that shirt,” you heard someone say behind you. cassie’s girlfriend right behind you.

she reached out and playfully tugged the shirt off your shoulders, tossing it onto a nearby chair. “don’t hide the suit, it’s cute!”

you were left standing in just the bikini. the cool breeze hit your bare stomach, making your goosebumps flare up.

from the lounge chair, cassie let out a rough breath that was audible over the music.

you couldn't stop yourself from looking back. cassie had sat up, her hands gripping the edges of the lounge chair so hard. her eyes were dark, almost black, dragging down the curve of your waist, the tie of your bikini bottoms, the bare of your chest. her gaze practically marking every single inch of your skin as hers.

she wanted you. right there. in front of everyone. in front of your boyfriend.

-

the noise from outside faded the second the door shut behind you. you were just trying to get to the kitchen to grab an extra towel, your skin still tingling from the pool.

you didn’t hear her come up beind you, she was way too fast.

before you could even turn the corner into the hallway, a hand clamped around your arm.

your breath caught in your throat as you were pulled sideways. the door to the downstairs bathroom was kicked open and then slammed behind you, the lock clicking into place with a snap.

the space was tiny, lit only by the afternoon light filtering through a small window.

you were pushed back against the door, your shoulder blades hitting the panels. cassie was right there, crowding completely into your space, her body blocking out the rest of the room. she was breathing heavily, her chest rising and falling raggedly against yours.

“cassie,” you gasped, your hands flying up to press against her shoulders to keep some distance between you. “what the hell are you–”

“shut up,” she rasped.

she leaned down, her face just inches from yours, her breath hot against your lips as she tugged gently on the string of your bikini.

“you wear this for me?” she whispered. “huh? you walk out there looking like this because you knew i’d be watching?”

your heart did a dizzying flip against your ribs. you couldn't breathe. you wanted to push her away, wanted to scream at her, but your fingers were already tangling into the fabric of her flannel, pulling her closer because you were absolutely starving.

“cassie,” you breathed.

“i know,” she murmured, her eyes dropping to your mouth. “i know, baby.”

and then she finally leaned down and crashed her lips into yours.

you melted. for one terrifying second, your brain entirely cut out, and your body just remembered her. your hands tightened, your mouth opening under hers, your hips tilted into her thigh, a ruined sound catching in your throat as the bathroom around you dissolved.

then, the muffled sound of your boyfriend’s laugh carried through the window from the deck.

it was like a bucket of ice water poured straight down your spine.

the guilt hit you so fast. shock and adrenaline surged through your veins, and your hands went flat against cassie’s shoulders. you shoved her away. hard.

cassie wasn’t expecting it. she stumbled back half a step, her arms dropping to her sides. her mouth was wet, her breathing ragged, her hair falling wild around her face.

“what the fuck is your problem?” you hissed.

the words came out in a furious whisper, your voice trembling. your hands coming up to wipe your mouth with the back of your arm as if you could erase the taste of her. your face was burning, tears of absolute panic and fury stinging the corners of your eyes.

“are you insane?” you demanded, your throat tight. “what are you doing, cassie?”

“you were kissing me back,” she said, her voice rough.

“i have a boyfriend!” you whispered fiercely, gesturing toward the wall, toward the deck where your life was supposed to be. “and you drag me into a bathroom?”

cassie flinched. it was a tiny movement of her shoulders, but you saw it.

“i told you to leave me the fuck alone,” you whispered, unlocking the door with a shaking hand and slipping out before she could answer.

you walked back out to where your boyfriend was, forcing a smile as you leaned your head against his back. you tried your best to forget what happened five minutes ago, but the knot in your core kept getting tighter.

every part of you was ignited. every time your boyfriend would slightly touch you, you whimpered, getting wetter and wetter.

you couldn't stay out on that deck for another minute, not with cassie’s eyes tracking your every move from across the pool.

you’d mumbled some pathetic excuse to your boyfriend about needing to use the bathroom again, but instead, you practically ran up the stairs to the guest bedroom, your heartbeat hard against your ribs.

you were shivering, but it wasn't from the cold breeze, it was from the heat pooling deep between your thighs. cassie had left you so turned on.

you didn't even take off the wet bikini. your hands were shaking as you slid your fingers under the damp fabric of the bottoms, gasping out loud the second your fingers rubbed against your clit.

you were so incredibly wet. It was embarrassing how quickly your body had betrayed you the second she pinned you against that bathroom door.

you closed your eyes, dragging your hips up as you began to touch yourself, your breathing going short instantly. every stroke made your head spin. you didn't see your boyfriend’s face. all you could see on the back of your eyelids was cassie.

“you wear this for me?”

her rough whisper echoed in your ears so clearly it made your stomach drop. you let out a small whimper into the empty room, your fingers moving faster, pushing harder against yourself. you imagined her rough hands grabbing your hips, ripping the wet strings of the suit apart, and shoving you right back up against the wall.

the heat in your chest built until it was entirely suffocating. you were practically begging for it, your toes curling into the rug as your pace turned frantic, driven by the desperate hunger she had reawakened in you.

“cassie,” you gasped, the name ripping out of your throat right as you hit the edge.

a wave of release crashed through your entire body, making your hips arch off the door as you convulsed around your fingers. you bit down hard on your hand to muffle the loud sob that followed, your chest heaving as the throbbing pleasure shivered its way out of you.

slowly, the quiet came rushing back.

you pulled your hand away, your fingers trembling as you stared at the floor. the absolute horror of what you’d just done settled heavily into your bones. your boyfriend was downstairs, oblivious, and you were up here, touching yourself to the thought of someone else.

-

that night was the closest thing to a disaster possible. everyone was scattered across the floor and the couches, completely obliterated. your boyfriend was sitting right next to you on the rug, his arm draped over your shoulders, his eyes heavy and loose with alcohol. he was downing his drinks with a recklessness you hadn't seen from him in months.

right across from you, sitting cross-legged on the floor with her back against the armchair, was cassie.

she was the only sober person in the room. her glass was filled with nothing but water and a wedge of melted lime. she sat completely still. she had spent the last three hours watching you get wasted.

“okay, let’s have some fun,” jack muttered, spinning an empty beer bottle on the rug. it wobbled and pointed directly at your boyfriend. “drunk confessions. no passes. what is the actual worst thing you’ve ever done to someone you loved?”

a chorus of drunken groans and loose giggles rippled through the room.

you sat frozen, the tequila burning in your stomach, making your head spin in dizzying circles. you couldn’t look at cassie. you could only stare at the glass in your hands.

your boyfriend let out a laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. he was drunk enough that the usual, careful version of him was gone.

“man,” he muttered, his voice dropping into a tone that made your chest tighten. he didn't look at you. je looked down at the carpet between his knees. “the worst thing?”

“come on, man,” jack egged him on, nodding. “spill it.”

your boyfriend shifted, his arm sliding off your shoulders, leaving your skin instantly cold in the drafty room. “i guess... it was right before we moved in together. about a year and a half ago.”

your head snapped up, the room tilting slightly as you looked at the side of his face.

“i got really scared,” he said softly, a heavy, ugly honesty settling over his features. “the lease was signed, the deposit was down, and i… i freaked out. i went out with some people from my old job, got really drunk, and i stayed at my ex’s apartment. nothing happened, like, nothing physical, but i sat on her floor until four in the morning telling her i didn't know if i could do this. i told her i felt trapped.”

the living room went silent, the humor disappearing.

he finally turned his head to look at you, his eyes red, swimming with a mixture of alcohol and old, rotting guilt. “i never told you. i uh came home the next morning, helped you pack the kitchen boxes, and pretended i was just hungover.”

it wasn't that he had cheated. it was the timeline. a year ago. the exact time you had been lying in that apartment, choking on your own guilt over cassie, forcing yourself to believe that this man was the absolute love of your life because he was safe and honest and good. you had built a temple out of his perfection to punish yourself for your own sins, just to find out that it was a lie.

the room felt too hot, the smell of tequila making you sick, humiliation rushed up your neck.

but you didn't freak out. not here. not in front of cassie, who was staring at the side of your face with a look that could kill.

“wow,” you said, your voice forced and dangerously quiet. you swallowed the lump in your throat and stood up, your knees a little shaky from the alcohol. “i think i’m gonna head to bed.”

“babe, wait–” your boyfriend started, stumbling a bit as he tried to stand up with you.

he followed you up the stairs and into your bedroom. the second he shut the bedroom door behind him, the dam broke.

“are you fucking serious?” you hissed, turning on him, your voice a whisper so everyone downstairs wouldn't hear. “a year ago? you sat on your ex's floor telling her you felt trapped by me?”

“i was drunk, i just freaked out!" he slurred, waving his hands defensively. he reached out to grab your arm, but you slapped his hand away. "it didn't mean anything! i came home to you!"

“i cant believe you right now,” you tried not to scream, the tears burning in your eyes. “trapped? really? am i making you suffer by being with me?”

“you’re being dramatic, babe,” he snapped, his alcohol-fueled frustration finally boiling over. “i never said i was suffering. you were just too much at the beginning of our relationship and i-i didn’t know what–how to handle you.”

how to handle you?

were you so bad that you needed to be handled? granted you did tell him you weren’t ready for commitment when you started dating. but he was so head over heels for you, it felt like it didn’t hurt to try feeling like that again. the same way you felt for cassie.

‘handling’ you made you sound like you were deranged. he was so willing, so patient, and to find out that it wasn’t what he really felt made you want to throw up.

“go to hell,” you choked out. “you’re a loser, a real loser.”

“babe–” he reached out to hold you but you pushed him back.

“i’m not your fucking babe,” you snapped, yanking the bedroom door open, stepping out into the hallway and slamming it behind you. you were so pissed off that the hallway seemed to tilt. you just needed to get away from him.

you stumbled down the stairs, the living room was empty now, and headed straight for the back porch. throwing the screen door open and stepping out into the cold.

the air hit your face instantly, but it didn't stop the burning in your chest. you walked to the edge of the wooden railing, grabbing the railing with both hands just to keep from falling over as the tequila and the shock ran rampant through your veins.

the door opened behind you.

you didn't turn around. in your spinning mind, you thought it was him coming to finish the fight. “go away,” you sobbed. “leave me alone.”

the figure didn't leave. it moved closer, quiet and solid, until the heavy, familiar heat of her body blocked out the wind. fingers wrapped around your upper arms, steadying you as your knees threatened to buckle under the weight of the alcohol.

you squinted, your brain too sluggish and drowned in tequila to register the person. you saw cassie.

“this is the third time you’ve told me to leave you alone. i don’t think i can, baby.”

you laughed.

“you want to know?” you rasped, your breath smelling heavily of alcohol as you looked up at her. you were shaking, your face flushed with heat. “everyone’s... everyone’s telling secrets tonight, right? wanna know what the worst thing i’ve ever done is?”

cassie didn't answer. her grip on your arms tightened, as she watched you break apart.

“the worst thing,” you whispered, leaning in until your forehead nearly touched her chest. “when you kissed me in the bathroom, i went upstairs after and touched myself…thinking of you.”

and before your brain could catch up to your body, you pulled yourself up and crashed your trembling lips right into hers.

the moment your lips hit hers, cassie stiffened. her fingers dug into your arms, she wanted nothing more than to drag you into her and never let go. but then, as you stumbled against her, the scent of tequila rolling off your skin, she froze.

with a pained groan, cassie pulled her head back. she didn't kiss you back. she didn't give in.

“stop,” she whispered. she placed her palms flat against your shoulders, gently pushing you back just enough to break the contact. “stop. you’re drunk.”

“i don’t care,” you sobbed, your head spinning so violently that the deck felt like it was tilting. you tried to lunge forward again, your fingers clawing at her shirt. “cassie, please. just–”

“no,” she cut you off, her tone dead serious. her face looked broken as she stared down at you “i’m not doing this with you like this.”

“i hate you,” you choked out, the words ripping out of your chest before you could stop them. you slammed your fists weakly against her chest, your hot tears mixing with the freezing rain on your face. “i fucking hate you so much, cassie. you ruined everything for me, and now you're here, and he–he lied to me, and you're just standing there–”

“i know,” she murmured.

“i hate you,” you repeated, your voice cracking as your knees finally gave out under the weight of the alcohol.

but you didn't hit the wood. cassie caught you instantly.

she hauled you up against her, her arms wrapping completely around your waist and lifting you against her chest. she didn't care that you were a screaming mess. she just held you.

you pressed your face into the crook of her neck, breathing in the scent of her skin, you knew you were lying. you didn't just hate her. you loved her so much it felt like a sickness. you hated her for having this power over you, and you loved her because she was the only person you wanted when everything went to hell.

“i’ve got you,” cassie whispered into your hair, her hand coming up to cup the back of your head, pressing you closer. “just breathe.”

she kept one arm locked securely around your waist, guiding your steps off the deck and back through the side door of the cabin. she practically carried you up the stairs. everything was a blur of shadows until cassie pushed open the door to her bedroom at the very end of the hall.

she led you over to the bed, letting you sink into the thick, dry quilt. the second your weight hit the mattress, the room spun, and you threw your head back against the pillows with a low groan, your eyes squeezing shut.

“sit up,” cassie ordered softly, moving around the room. she came back a second later, tossing an oversized hoodie and a pair of gray sweatpants onto your lap. “get out of those clothes. i’ll turn around.”

you blinked up at her through the gloom, your brain moving like molasses. you looked at the massive bed, then around the quiet, empty room.

“where...” you slurred, your voice thick and rough from crying. you gestured vaguely to the other side of the mattress. “where is your girlfriend gonna sleep? you’re gonna... you're gonna make her sleep on the couch because of me?”

cassie stopped. she was standing by the window, her back to you. a long silence stretched between you. for a second, the only sound was your own ragged breathing.

then, cassie let out a breath that sounded almost like a sigh. she turned around slowly, her hands shoving deep into the pockets of her pants as she looked down at you on the edge of the bed.

“she doesn't sleep in here,” cassie said.

you blinked, squinting through the dark. “what?”

“she hasn't been sleeping in here all weekend,”cassie confessed, her jaw clenching slightly as she admitted it. “she has her own room downstairs.”

a bubble of laughter hit your chest.

you couldn't stop it. you buried your face in your hands, your shoulders shaking as a loose, breathless laugh ripped out of your throat.

“are you serious?” you giggled weakly, looking up at her. “you... you brought her all the way out here, you spent the whole weekend letting her sit in your lap, and you're not even sleeping with her?”

cassie didn't laugh. she just stood there, watching your meltdown.

“it’s not funny,” she muttered, though there was no real bite to her voice.

“it is,” you gasped, wiping a tear from your cheek.

cassie walked over to the side of the bed, and knelt down to unlace your shoes. she pulled them off your feet one by one, setting them by the closet.

“change,” she repeated. “i'm going to wait right outside the door.”

“don't go,” you muttered, the laughter completely draining out of you. you reached out, your fingers catching her sleeve. “stay.”

she looked down at your hand on her arm.

“i’m right outside,” she said softly, taking your fingers off her wrist.

she stood up and walked out, closing the door until it was just cracked an inch.

it took you what felt like an hour to get out of your clothes. the alcohol making your coordination useless. you pulled her hoodie over your head. it smelled exactly like her, that clean soap scent that you used to wake up to every day.

you kicked your jeans into the corner and crawled under the heavy covers, burying yourself into the pillows.

the door opened, and cassie stepped back inside. she’d taken off her own hoodie, now just wearing a plain black t shirt. she didn't come to the bed. she grabbed a spare blanket from the armchair and threw it onto the long floor mat by the window.

“what are you doing?” you asked, voice muffled by the pillow.

“sleeping on the floor,” she said, lying down and pulling the blanket up to her chest, her back to you.

“the bed is huge.”

“i’m staying on the floor.”

you let out a dry, pathetic little sound that was half laugh, half sob.

“shut up and go to sleep,” she scolded.

you rolled onto your side, staring at the outline of her back across the room. somewhere in your room, your boyfriend was probably passed out on the floor, the wreckage of your relationship waiting for you at sunrise. cassie’s girlfriend was in some guest room, part of a fake show that cassie was putting on for reasons you couldn't even begin to understand.

-

you lay there for an hour, staring at her back, the ache in your stomach growing until it was unbearable. you couldn't stay in this bed alone with your thoughts.

slowly, you slid out from under the covers. your feet hit the floor, making you shudder as you crept across the dark room.

cassie was lying on her side, her back still turned to you, buried beneath the thin spare blanket. her breathing was deep, and steady.

you didn't think about what you were doing. you just knelt down on the hard floor, your knees aching against the wood, and lifted the edge of her blanket.

you slid in behind her.

the radiating heat of her body hit you. you curled your knees up, pressing yourself close enough that the front of her hoodie brushed against the fabric of her shirt. she shifted slightly in her sleep, letting out a sigh, but she didn't wake up. she stayed asleep, her shoulders rising and falling.

you lay there in the dark, your eyes wide, staring at her back.

slowly, your hand trembled as you brought it out from under the blanket. your fingertips were cold, but you pressed them gently against the middle of her spine, right under the thin cotton of her shirt. you kept your touch light, terrified of waking her.

with a slow, agonizingly deliberate motion, you began to move your index finger against her back.

you traced a straight line down. an i.

you moved to the center of her shoulder blades, drawing a careful, sweeping loop, crossing it over itself. an l. then the o, the v, the e.

your throat tightened, a hot, silent tear slipping out of your eye and soaking straight into the pillow beneath your head. you moved your finger back to the top of her spine and started over.

i - l o v e - y o u.

over and over again, your finger traced the letters into her skin, a desperate, silent confession in the dark. you did it until your fingertips felt numb, until the words blurred together in your mind.

no matter how hard you tried to run, you were always going to end up right here, writing secrets into her back while she slept.

the rise and fall of her shoulders stopped entirely. for a second, she lay still under the blanket, her muscles locked tight. then, she twisted around so fast her shoulder clipped yours as she scrambled back.

her eyes were wide as she looked down at you curled on the floor mat. she looked blindsided, her breathing turning shallow.

“what are you doing down here?” cassie asked, her voice thick with sleep. she reached up, rubbing a hand over her face as if trying to wake herself out of a nightmare.

you shrank back against the hard floor, your finger still tingling from where you’d been touching her. “i couldn't sleep.”

“so you got on the floor?” cassie’s voice was getting sharper, her guarded wall slamming back down between you so fast. she looked at you, eyes tracking the dark circles under your eyes. “if someone walks in–”

“they’re all sleeping,” you interrupted, your own voice cracking with a mix of tequila and exhaustion. “who cares, right? let’s sleep, like we used to.”

“no, we can’t– i’m trying to be better,” cassie muttered. the words came out abrupt, like she hadn't meant to say them at all. she still wasn't looking at you. “i’m trying to... to do this right."

a giant lump formed in your throat. you looked at her, the hesitation in the way her shoulders braced, and you reached out. your hand crept out, fingertips trembling as you placed them gently against the left side of her chest, where her heart was.

“you don’t have to leave me behind to fix yourself, cass. you can change…but you can still choose me,” you whispered. you didn't move your hand, it stayed pressed against her chest. “your heart is beating so fast.”

“you don’t even know what your saying.”

“i know what i mean.”

inside her own mind, the pressure was unbearable.

i want to hold you.

i want to take your hand and press it harder into my chest until you realize how right you are.

i want to tell you that love’s never meant that much to me until it was yours, and now it’s the only thing keeping me alive.

i want to be with you so bad it makes me sick.

but i can't. not like this.

she thought, her eyes tracking the small movement of your throat as you swallowed.

but the words remained inside her, locked away by pride and the stubborn habit of hiding herself from you. she couldn't say them. to say them would mean admitting she was entirely at your mercy.

“am i not in it?” you slurred, voice cracking. “the... the better version of you. the one you're trying to fix. am i just not in it?"

he started waking up earlier to make you coffee and breakfast before work because he noticed you’d stopped sleeping properly. he pulls you against his chest at night when he thought you were awake. he always asks if you wanted to go out more, or maybe stay in more. it’s all up to you according to him.

every question circled the truth without touching it directly. and it terrified you. because you kept lying to him, how were you to explain that your sadness had a face? a voice? hands?

“i don’t know,” you shrug, not making eye contact with him as he sits across the table in front of you. a conversation you’ve had almost every day with him.

and your boyfriend, ever the most paitent, sweet, and understanding man, only nodded and kissed the top of your head before leaving for work.

it was like a never ending cycle that has been exhausting the both of you. he wakes up, tries to get a word out of you, then leaves when you refuse to speak.

three nights ago he found you crying in the bathroom at four in the morning over absolutely nothing. or at least nothing that was explainable to him.

you were standing barefoot beside the sink, overwhelmed suddenly by the sound of the water running.

your boyfriend walked in, still half asleep, a look of concern washing over his face as he rushed to your side.

“hey,” he whispered softly. “what happened?”

you shook your head before he even reached you.

“nothing.”

he looked at you and you saw the helplessness in his eyes. he wanted to help, to be there for you as much as he could. but you weren’t letting him and it was killing the both of you.

he wrapped his arms around you carefully, like he tought you might fall apart if he held you tightly.

“i miss you,” he murmured, leaning his cheek on the top of your head. “i just miss you baby.”

that almost made you confess everything.

“i’ve been thinking,” he interrupts your thoughts. “one of my friends is hosting this party at his cabin this weekend.”

“your friend?”

“yeah, jack abbot.”

“mhm, i think trinity told me about him once,” you nod half engaged in the conversation.

“people are staying the weekend,” he continued carefully. “and, he offered us one of the rooms.”

“really?” your eyes lift to him.

“before you say no,” he says pointing a finger at you. “i already know you’re going to say something like ‘you shouldn’t have accepted'–”

“you shouldn’t have accepted,” you shook your head.

“i just…” he exhaled quietly, pulling you back into his embrace as he rubbed his hands down the small of your back. “i really want to see you happy again. i miss that. i miss you.”

you could hear his heart beat faster as you leaned closer into his chest. thoughts of cassie interrupted your mind again, like they have been since the last time you’ve seen her.

she hadn’t been around after that night, not even trinity had a clue as to what she was up to after her shift. you would annoy trinity with questions about cassie, careful not to imply anything suspicious. even though you could tell she was sensing something.

“she has been going home earlier,” trinity said, her hands tightening around a head of lettuce.

you were out grocery shopping with her, half convinced that this was just some random hang out with trinity. when in reality all roads lead back to you wondering about cassie.

“yeah? do you have any idea why?” you ask carefully. “maybe she’s been having a rough time?”

trinity shakes her head. “oh no, i think she’s seeing someone. she’s been all cheerful the past two weeks. it’s scaring me a little.”

your heart drops, of course she’s seeing someone. you’re seeing someone, have been for the past two years. why would you care if she found someone to sleep next to every night?

the thoughts were ugly and kept appearing like an unwelcomed dream. almost everything you did always ended up making you think of cassie somehow.

cassie in bed with another woman.

cassie having sex with another woman.

cassie. cassie. cassie.

standing in the bathroom, still listening to the stuttering beat of your boyfriend’s heart. you tried your best to push those thoughts aside, to try your best and give your all to the person willing to move mountains for you.

“so…” he said, trying to ease the tension before it swallowed the room whole. “i figured maybe we could disappear for a weekend. he has a pool.”

you snorted softly.

“and,” he asked, softly tugging at your hair. “maybe my girlfriend starts feeling like herself again.”

girlfriend.

you felt like a liar, like someone undeserving of that title. a girlfriend is someone that loves and gives the same affection that she receives. you were nothing like that.

you spent your days with him with only one thing in mind, and it was unfortunately someone else. someoen older. someone who you once loved and was prepared to give everything to.

-

the rest of the week flew by as smoothly as you wished for it to be. you packed an overnight bag and shoved it into the backseat of your boyfriends car beneath two cases of beer and a jacket he’d been meaning to return to someone for months.

“you ready?” he asked, starting the engine.

“mhm,” you pulled your legs up in the passenger seat, leaning back against the headrest.

“someone’s excited,” he looked at you for a second, his hand resting on the gear shift.

“i hate long drives.”

“since when?”

since my last one ended with me stranded in a motel with a brand new car.

“i don’t know,” you said, avoiding the question. “lately.”

he didn’t push it. he just shifted into drive and backed out of the apartment lot.

the city blurred past you. at the red lights, his hand would rest on your knee. the kind of touch that didn’t demand a reaction from you.

for almost an hour, neither of you said anything to each other. the heater blew hot air around the car, the windshield wipers made a dry scraping sound against the glass because the rain had mostly stopped. he drove one handed, his thumb tapping the steering wheel to whatever track was playing.

“i snuck out this morning, and got some of those bagels that you really like,” he said after a while. “they’re in the backseat.”

“i’m okay, thanks.”

“you barely ate anything this morning.”

“i’m not that hungry.”

he let out a quiet breath, a half smile hitting his face. “alright, just letting you know.”

god, you hated this.

not him. that would have been easier, to hate him. it would make the guilt that has been cemented in you feel lighter.

a playlist you had playing ended two songs ago, and started playing random music from your liked songs.

and then, as if the universe had decided everything must go against you.

cassie, won’t you be my doll…

your entire body physically locked up, your hand moving before your brain did, hitting the skip button on the screen.

your boyfriend was caught off guard at your sudden movement. “woah, not a big fan of the song?”

“it’s one of the worst songs in existence,” you stared ahead at the road trying your hardest to calm your pulse hammering in your throat.

“really? i thought you liked that album.”

“i don’t.”

“okay,” he said, his voice dropping, confused by the slight edge of your tone. “you don’t have to snap.”

guilt started mixing into the panic you were feeling.

“sorry,” you muttered, reaching down to where his hand was on your knee and slowly rubbed the back of it. “it’s a really corny song.”

“it’s okay, baby,” he said gently, squeezing your knee once before removing it and placing it on the wheel. “we’re banning that song from the playlist then.”

he didn’t ask why. he trusted you enough to let it go. but the damage was already done, your brain was already recalling the first time you heard that song and sung it to cassie.

you were sitting on her lap, straddling her hips on the creaking mattress. your knees were tucked into her sides, the heat of her skin under her shirt seeping right through to your bare thighs.

cassie’s hands rested on your waist. she was looking up at you, her eyes hooded, completely relaxed and willing to do whatever you asked her to do.

you leaned down enough so your lips brushed hers. she leaned in for a kiss but you pulled away slightly, making her pout.

you turned to her ear, your voice barely a breath.

“cassie, won’t you be my doll…”

she let out a groan, her head dropping back into the pillow. “not that song again.”

you let out a quiet laugh, shifting your weight just enough to make her hands tighten around your waist like she was afraid you were going to get up. you slid your palms up her stomach then to her chest, feeling her breathing get faster.

“what?” you whispered innocently, dragging your lips down her jaw without quite touching her. “but baby won’t you be my doll…”

“you’re teasing,” she muttered, her voice rough now. “and very out of tune.”

“i’m whispering,” you whispered back, pressing a slow kiss that made her whimper into the dip of her collarbone. “you can’t be out of tune when you’re whispering.”

he fingers tangled into the hair at the back of your neck and pulled you down, kissing you.

it started lazy and quiet, but the playfulness dropped out of it instantly. it turned into the kind of kiss where you start losing your breath and dig your fingers into her shoulders just to keep your balance.

she pulled back just an inch, her breath hot against your mouth, thumbs hooking into the waistband of your shorts.

“enough singing,” she rasped.

she arched up into you, hands pulling you flush against her hips, erasing the tiny space. you let out a soft whimper, as she moved, her mouth finding your throat.

your fingers caught the hem of her tank top, pulling it up and over her head, needing the skin to skin heat. you didn’t let her roll you over this time, even if she really wanted to. you kept your weight on her hips, your hands dropping down to trap her wrists against the mattress.

cassie let out a surprised breath, her hair fanning out across the pillow. she looked breathtaking, the yellow light from the bathroom caught the line of her throat as she tilted her chin up, looking at you.

she tried to pull her hands free, but you held fast, leaning down until your breath brushed her lips again.

“stay still,” you murmured.

the corner of her mouth twitched, a stubborn smirk trying to form, but her breathing was already too fast. “since when do you call the shots?”

“since now.”

you let go of her wrists, but before she could move, you moved your hands up her arms, mapping the skin until your fingers tangled into her hair, holding her face right where you wanted it.

you kissed her and it tasted like the faint hint of the cheap soda she had earlier, tobacco, but mostly her. every time she tried to deepen it, to take the control back, you pulled away just enough to leave her wanting more, trailing your lips down to the edge of her jaw instead.

cassie let out a frustrated sound, her hips arching up beneath yours, desperate for some friction. you didn’t give it to her. you stayed still, your weight just a teasing pressure against her thighs.

“you’re cruel,” she rasped, her hands coming up to grip your waist again, fingers digging hard into your skin through your shirt, trying to pull you back down against her.

“i’m just taking my time,” you whispered against her neck. you pressed a lingering kiss to the sensitive pulse point right below her ear, then nipped the skin gently.

a shiver went straight through cassie’s core. her head knocked down into the pillow, eyes half closed and dark with a helpless heat you’d never seen in her before. it made a dizzying feel of power flare up in your chest.

your hands kept moving around her body, fingers tracing the dip of her ribs, down to the waistband of her shorts. you kept your eyes locked on hers as you slid your hand beneath the fabric, your palm flat against the warm skin of her stomach. you felt the hitch in her breath, the way she trembled under your touch.

“please,” she breathed. it was bare and devoid of her usual dominance.

“are you…begging?”

“come on, baby. don’t make me say it again.”

you didn’t make her wait anymore, and you honestly couldn’t wait either. you slid the fabric of her pants and underwear down her legs in one motion, kicking them off the edge of the bed, before shifting back over her, ridding yourself of your own shorts and panties.

when your bare skin finally met hers, the heat was a physical shock that had cassie jolting up off the bed. her legs wrapped around your waist, pulling you back down into her with a deep hunger. your mouth found hers, and any trace of teasing melted away into something hotter.

“you okay?”

the grip on your waist vanished, the heat of cassie’s skin, all lf it just collapsed into nothing in a second.

your eyes snapped open.

the dashboard navigation screen was glowing a sharp blue in the dark car. your boyfriend was looking over at you, his hand was resting on your thigh now, pressing down to get your attention.

you felt hot, your breaths coming out in short puffs, your fingers clenching tight into the fabric of your seatbelt.

“yeah,” you breathed, clearing your throat quickly. “yeah. sorry.”

he didn’t take his eyes off the road for long, turning his gaze back to the highway as he drove through a long bend. “you jumped when i said your name. you look pale. do you feel sick?”

“no,” you said, forcing your hands to untangle from the seatbelt and rest in your lap. they were trembling slightly, so you tucked them under your thighs. “i think i’m getting motion sickness.”

“we’re only about twenty minutes out,” he said gently. “as soon as we get to the cabin, you can just pass out. i’ll unpack the car.”

“thanks,” you muttered, looking out the passenger window. the trees were just black smears.

god, you are disgusting.

you were sitting in his car, going to a cabin his friend owned, with a man who loved you so much it didn’t even occur to him to doubt you, and you were mentally taking off another woman’s clothes.

you were going through a memory like a pervert in the passenger seat, tracing the line of a ghost’s ribs while the real person, the good person, was trying to hold your hand.

why couldn’t you just let it stay dead? she left you. she got up and left you without leaving you any form of contact. she didn’t want you. she didn’t want the mess being with you brought on. she told you right to your face for pretend not to know her if you crossed paths again.

you squeezed your boyfriends hand hard, like a drowning person catching a rope. you tried to focus on the texture of his skin, the scar on his knuckle, the sound of his breathing. he is real. his is stable.

but still, your mind entirely against your own will, was already slipping backward again, thinking about cassie.

-

the cabin was bigger than you expected. your boyfriend pulled the car to a stop, the headlights cutting off and pulling the woods back into darkness.

“we’re here,” he said, turning to look at you. “it wasn’t so bad, right.”

“yeah, i hope you’re friend isn’t some psychopath serial killer,” your bad attempt at a joke made him nod and untangle his fingers from your hand.

“come on, let’s get you inside so you can lie down.”

you stepped out of the passenger seat, a part of you already dreading this, the cold air instantly making your skin feel tight. the gravel crunched loudly under your shoes as you walked around to the trunk.

even though you knew cassie was their coworker and that there might be a chance she’s in there with her new girlfriend, a part of you naively believed that she didn’t show up, and this weekend was going to be good for you and your boyfriend.

the chance of that happening, no the thought of spending forty eight hours under the same roof as her. eating at the same table. walking past each other in hallways. watching her exist in the same space as you. it was all making you physically sick.

as your boyfriend popped the truck, the front door of the cabin swung open.

“hey! you guys finally made it,” jack said swinging a bottle at you both, stepping out on the porch. “we were starting to think you got eaten by bears.”

“traffic out the city was brutal,” your boyfriend called back, pulling your bags out of the trunk.

“well, hurry inside. everyone’s in the kitchen.” jack clapped your boyfriend on the shoulder as they met at the back of the car, then turned his eyes to you. “great to finally meet you. serious head count tonight by the way. cassie brought a plus one, parker did as well.”

every bone in your body froze.

a plus one.

the bag in your head felt heavy enough to pull you into the gravel. she’d brought someone to a small, isolated cabin in the middle of nowhere. you couldn’t help but think that it was intentional. was it because she knew you were coming with your boyfriend? or did cassie truly move on?

you felt sick, like the bagels you had not even an hour ago were about to find their way up your throat.

“come on, let’s go inside,” your boyfriend’s hand touched your elbow. “i’ll get you a glass of water.”

the warmth of the cabin made up for the freezing cold outside, the smell of roasted garlic and loud conversation hit you as soon as you walked in. two people sat on the couch you later learned the names of, josh shen and parker ellis shouted welcomes from the couch. your boyfriend yelled back, but your eyes were somewhere else.

they were fixed on the short hallway leading to the kitchen. and then, she walked out.

cassie.

she was wearing a dark gray sweater with the sleeves pushed up to her elbows, her hair down over her shoulders. she was laughing at something someone behind her said, but the second her boots hit the floor of the living room, her eyes lifted.

and looked right into yours, like there was no one else in the room.

the laugh died instantly on her face. she didn’t look surprised, she knew you were coming, but the impact of being in the same room again made the air between you unbearable.

but the horror wasn’t done.

because right behind her, stepping out of the kitchen with a plate of appetizers, was the same woman. the one from cassie’s half assed bar date. the same one with the hand that kept sliding into cassie’s arms.

the woman looked up, recognizing you immediately, from across the room. her eyebrows shot up. a smirk crossing her lips as she looked between you and cassie.

“oh,” she said, her voice carrying easy over the chatter. “well, look who it is.”

your boyfriend stopped next to you, oblivious to the suffocating drop in pressure in the room. he set you bags down by the stairs and looked toward the kitchen.

“cassie!” he called out, raising a hand. “good to see you. i didn’t know you were back from you trip already.”

cassie forced her eyes away from you. she looked at your boyfriend. then her eyes slid back to you, taking in the way your boyfriend’s arm was nkw resting on your shoulders.

“yeah,” cassie said. “got in yesterday.”

her heart was doing that ugly, erratic thing against her ribs, the same way it always did whenever you were around her.

cassie watched as his hand slide down onto the small of your back, a gesture that made a hot wave of jealousy light up in her throat she could almost taste it.

he doesn’t know you.

she thought to herself, the bitterness already biting deep.

he doesn’t know the sounds you make.

he doesn’t know how hard you laugh when the radio cuts mid song. or the way you like your waffles.

i do. i always did.

beside her, the woman slid a hand into cassie’s back pocket, leaning close to whisper something unimportant, but cassie barely felt it. she knew deep down that the woman was just a prop she’d broughg along because she’d known you’d be here, and she’d been terrified of looking hollow in front of you.

you were miserable. she could see it.

-

it was past midnight, but no one moved from the living room. you were tucked into the corner of the leather sofa, your legs pulled up under a heavy wool blanket. your boyfriend’s arm was around your shoulders, holding you close against his side. his thumb moved in a slow stroke against your arm, his chest falling and rising against your back.

your eyes locked onto the glass table between the couches because looking anywhere else was difficult.

cassie was sitting across from you in an armchair. she had one leg hooked over the armrest. she hadn’t looked at you in almost twenty minutes, but you couldn’t ignore her presence, her energy cutting through the safe bubble your boyfriend was trying to build around you.

so much for a healing weekend getaway.

next to her, sitting on the floor and leaning her back against cassie was the woman. you hated the intimacy of the scene, the small touches that you craved so bad.

“honestly, i didn’t think we were ever going to make it back to the state line,” the woman laughed, taking a sip from her drink and tossing her bead back against cassie’s knee. your throat tightened. “cassie’s idea of a shortcut through the mountains is just tracking mud down dirt roads until the service drops down fo zero.”

“sounds about right,” jack snorted.

“no, seriously,” she continued, her voice light. “she made me turn off my phone. we were completely MIA for four days. we just stayed in this tiny place near the coast and all we had was this small old radio that only picked up one local station, and we just…stopped. it was insane.”

a spike of recognition hit your stomach so hard it made you dizzy. your lungs felt empty. it wss the exact same script. cassie hadn’t moved on, she was actively trying to recycle your time together with someone else.

the woman reached up, her fingerd catching the hem of cassie’s sweater, tugging it playfully. “i think she just likes being stranded. don’t you, cass?”

cassie didn’t answer right away. you couldn’t stop your eyes from lifting, your gaze snapping to her face. her eyes held yours, unblinking. she saw the panic in your face. her jaw tightened, as she let her hand drop down to rest on the woman’s shoulder.

look at me, her stare spoke. look what i can do without you.

the jealousy was making you fold into yourself, rising up from your chest into your throat until it choked you. you couldn’t breathe. the room was too hot, the sound of the woman’s laughter was like shattering glass in your ears.

you couldn’t sit here for another second. if you stayed, you were going to scream, or throw something right at them.

you abruptly moved, pulling away from your boyfriend’s arm. the shift made him blink.

“you okay?” he murmured softly, his hand dropping to your thigh.

“i’m going to bed,” you said, too fast.

you stood up before he could answer, dropping the blanket onto the cushions. your face was burning, and your eyes were already stinging with a rush of tears you couldn’t stop.

“already?” your boyfriend asked, as he started to shift forward to stand up with you. “i’ll come up with–”

“no,” you cut him off, your voice cracking slightly. you didn’t look at him, you couldn’t. “stay. finish your drink. i…need to lie down, my head feels heavy.”

you turned and walked toward the stairs, the sound of chatter dying down behind you. you practically ran up the wooden stairs, your throat tight as you swallowed down a sob.

cassie watched your shadow disappear around the landing, her fingers tightening on the fabric of her jeans until her knuckles turned white.

the bedroom at the top of the stairs was freezing. you shut the door behind you, locking it. the second you were alone, the sob poured out of you in a trembling shudder.

you didn’t bother to turn on the lights. you just dropped your forhead against the cold door, your eyes squeezed shut as the first hot wave of tears finally spilled. they tracked down your cheeks, burning against skin that already felt like it was on fire.

every word the woman spoke was spinning in your head in a malicious loop. you could picture it too clearly, the way cassie looked driving down those dirt roads, one hand on the wheel. the way her voice sounded whenever she was far away from any responsibilities.

and she had given it to someone else. it wasn’t just yours. it had never been yours, it was just a pattern she ran when things got too heavy, snd you had been stupid enough to think you were special because you were once in the passenger seat.

a quiet sob escaped your throat, and you clapped your hand over your mouth instantly, terrified of the sound being heard even though you were far enough away from anyone to hear you.

you hated cassie. you hated her for being here, you hated her for bringing that woman, you hated her for the way she looked at you, like you were the one doing something wrong.

a floorboard creaked out on the landing.

you stilled, your palm still pressed tight against your lips, your breath catching in your throat.

for a second, the terrifying thought hit you that it was her. that she maybe had followed you up. your heart flipped against your lungs, a rush of adrenaline ripped through the chill in the room.

then came the knock. two hesitant raps against the wood right next your ear.

“hey,” your boyfriend’s voice came through with concern. “babe? you in there?”

the relief that washed over you was quickly ruined by a wave of guilt. you wiped your face frantically with the palm of your hands, sniffing quietly, trying tk force your voice to not sound like you’d just been crying.

“yeah,” you called out, stepping back from the door so it wouldn’t vibrate against your forehead. “yeah, i’m already undrr the covers.”

a small lie. you were still standing in the dark in your shoes and your jacket.

“can i come in?” he asked softly. “i brought up some water and some advil from the glove box.”

“i’m okay, really,” you said, your throat tight as you fought down another rush of tears. “i took some before we left and i think it’s finally kicking in. i just really need the dark. i’m sorry.”

silence. you held your breath, staring at the line of lighg beneath the door, praying that he would just accept it and leave.

“okay,” he said eventually. he sounded s little hurt, a little distant. “i’ll leave the water on the table out here. come down if you need anything, alright? jack’s opening another bottle.”

“okay. thank you.”

“love you.”

say it. say it back

“love you too,” you whispered to the empty room.

you listened to the sound of his boots walking back down the hallway as he headed back down to the living room.

when it was quiet again, you finally let yourself relax. you walked over to the bed, kicking off your shoes snd shrugging your jacket off, the mattress stiff under you as you crawled on top of the blanket, fully clothed, pulling your knees back up to your chest.