QUEEN MAB

I haven’t written in a while.

I just haven’t felt creative, to be honest. When I have tried to put pen to paper I don’t know where to start. I’ve felt defeated by the abuse I have been putting my body and mind through since my juvenile foray into the depths of untreated, lingering mental illness. I still, to this day, don’t know who I am. I barely know what I’ve done.

I’m lying in bed now. I can’t stop sweating. It’s fucking freezing as well. I wrote a letter to Christine yesterday, because it was nine years since she died.

I’ve realised that there will always be two constants in my life: Matts and Virgos.

I met a boy on a dating app. He asked me to come to his apartment and it was beautiful. We drank gin and spoke about his home and he took his time with me, he didn’t want me to go. Tonight he cooked dinner for his friends, and thought about fucking me on top of the kitchen counter they were eating at. I told him if he has asked me to come there, I wouldn’t. Oh yeah? I think he was teasing...

Yeah, I told him. I don’t want to be bootycalled anymore. I’ve only been a bootycall for the better part of three years. I don’t want to be one anymore.

I don’t know if I will ever feel in love again. That’s what scares me most. Not that I won’t be loved, I’ve accepted that a while ago. I want to feel in love.

You fall, I fall into a restless sleep, Clumsily grabbing at walls as I weep Clutching broken debris to fight the steep And still there you stand, high above me.

The blue light glares, overthrows my hold As I fall, you fall despite what you sold To your heart in the dark when outside is as cold As the tempered glass you lay under me.

I heard you ask for a song and a dance, Like there were different words only read by chance Well I saw you fuck up, saw it become your stance And still the blame came crushing down on me.

Speeding across not three, five lanes Chased by the poison you put inside my veins I felt glass shake, felt the febrile pains Yet your mind feels free, empty of me.

I haven't seen the daylight

For as long as light has shone,

But they say the azure ends

Only when the daylight's gone.

And above it is beyond,

A darkness that surrounds me;

Like the boundless colours draped

In the place they call the sea.

I heard amongst the stars

A white orb hangs in place

Of the glowing beings moving

And pulsating all in pace.

I see the beauty in us

But I cannot be the only one

consumed with life and death

And what has been said and done.

Under atmospheres of pressure

We glide in perfect time,

And the incling of a difference

Could not fault the endless climb.

Slowly rising upwards

Towards what they call the galaxy,

Arcing away from what they taught

And everything I'm meant to be.

Is sentience what opened

The doors to lighter blues?

Or was the truth in instinct

Were our minds built to act on cues?

For what I want is only fleeting,

It won't answer what's there to see.

Fighting against the weight of

The liquid that I breathe.

In clearer waters I will

Once more see what has grown

When fear is removed from knowledge,

Have you ever seen

the way they intertwine

but run, side by side

like fallen trees?

Have you ever felt

how they bend with the weight

of someone else's world

high above them?

Have you ever tasted

the tang that stains their tongues

when sane retribution

escapes between lips?

Have you ever smelled

the embers of summer's

final breath as it chokes

on new seeds?

Have you ever heard

the sigh that they give

to the force that moves around them,

without notice of

the breaking

silently

I’ve been writing poetry for the past year or so now, and want to really expand on my subject matter.

If you’d like me to write a poem about you, someone else, something you love, something that makes you sad, something you’ve done or something that’s happened, let me know!

There’s no charge for this, just the love of writing and you would be mentioned in the poems title.

I was bare and empty, bare and empty. My shell was hollowed by his ephemeral mind.

He said slowly but surely, slowly but surely. One day you will leave this world behind.

He couldn’t complain, neither could I. We’re compelled by our intertwined reverie.

But he spoke of riches that I’d never known, and his longing for someone had broken me.

I said cover your eyes, cover your eyes. I felt him quiver in the dark of the night.

He said I see you now, I see you now, and I felt your venom from the first bite.

I thought he needed it more than I did. How could he have shown me  something I’d never known?

Her breathlessness is in the fall,

the first rise of smoke in the morning.

I can smell it on his breath,

and taste it on his skin.

In the mist of the winter morning,

I melt under the resilient rays

of a sun so determined

to keep us from a jaded reverie.

She's like the dancing eyes

under lids still fighting to sleep,

restless in her venture and

overwhelming in her lure.

But she turns over in my head,

infiltrates my blood.

As I stand on the edge of a familiar depth,

she gently nudges me forward.

I sometimes hate to be without her,

I can tell he hates it too.

My grasp weakens, his breaths grow deeper

and all the while we feel perfect.

I used to sleep with one eye open,

and I would see him pick her up.

She always crumbled between his fingers

like she was nothing more than what I am.

But more grows from unsown seeds

than from an open distain.

Her touch is one I cherish to feel,

not one I could ever zealously crave.

But despite if I am with her

or if I find myself alone,

it's the promise of something golden