ella

i try to keep secrets so i can have something fully to “myself” that no one else knows, but if i don’t tell anyone it feels worthless. how do i find value in something without other people knowing about it.

i think everyone in my life only “cares” about me because i make them feel special so they want me around or they pity me. no one cares about me because they’re pulled to do so. no one wants me in a way that means anything

i think it wouldn’t make a difference if i wasn’t there

everytime i try to say something to my friends they cut me off and don’t care i just want people to care

i’m scared i’m the type of person someone settles for

my dad died in january. one night i went to sleep and the next morning my mom woke me up to tell me my dad had died and the coroner was in our living room if i had any questions for him before he left

i don’t want to talk to a void

i’m drunk right now and i hate that i can only show part of myself to my friends. I can be honest about some things with one friend, but she criticizes me when it comes to my social life. Then with my other friend i can explore my social life but never talk to her about emotianl problems. everywhere i go i feel like there’s something or someone im missing

i’ve thought about posting for a long time and having a blog here for myself, but the thought of no one seeing it made it feels pointless. however, i’ve gotten to the point where i need somewhere to put everything i don’t want it to mean nothing