elizabethliarz

"So many times in my life, I thought I knew exactly what was ahead of me. What direction I was going..." she takes in a breath, "usually I predicted it would be painful or dull at best. So I never imagined that I'd get to sit next to someone I love so much, looking at this beautiful sky." Jumin feels his chest tighten with emotion at her words and swears her eyes seem to sparkle as she continues to speak. "I really don't know anything, and perhaps that's a good thing. Not every surprise can be as wonderful as this..."

She leans back on her hands and glances over at him. The corner of her lips lift into a half-smile, "but there's no point thinking of that. Because right now matters most. Now I'm here with you, Jumin."

He pays no attention to the tears blurring his sight and scoots closer. A barely perceivable tremble in his hand as he reaches out toward her. He tucks her hair back and caresses her face.

"Often I find myself regretful that I couldn't have met you sooner in life and I feel anxious about this time together ending, but you’re right. All that matters is we are together, right now." He tells her quietly.

Their foreheads meet as they sit together listening to the calm waves come to shore. 

Again and again.

---

“Oh hi, honey,” she greets me.

She stands up and tries to brush a strand of hair out of her eyes with the back of her palm. I feel my heart flutter even at the small action. Reaching out, I tuck it back behind her ear. She smiles and looks down.

“Just a second”

She crouches down again and submerges her hands into a bucket of water. Her hands rub together to wash off the dirt that covered them. I notice her reflection in the water, she’s focused on her task with the early evening sky reflecting behind her. Then her eyes catch mine and she laughs. I realize, again, how much I rely on her for my happiness. Her laugh was the best thing I heard all day. Work felt cold, tired, and lonely. The only thing I could look forward to was seeing her. 

Loneliness, a sensation that follows me all my life. If I was actually alone or not it didn’t matter. In fact, it felt worse to have people around because it only reminded me of how I didn’t fit in. It feels like there's a tremble in my heart as I close my eyes. I’m trapped in a room with no way out. I shake my head trying to empty it, but before I know it I am a child once again.

I’m staring down at a worksheet of sums. The dark pencil marks stand out in contrast to the  slightly blurred memory. 

“Good job, Jumin! You catch on so quickly!”

The voice of my tutor rings in my right ear as I turn to look at him. He is smiling so much that his eyes crinkle behind the rectangular lenses of his glasses. 

“Thank you,” I reply.

“Why don’t we take a break since you have been working so hard?”

“I can do more. It isn’t difficult for me.” 

My tutor raises his eyebrows, “Wow, look at you! But I think it would be better to stop for now. Why don’t you get a snack or something to drink?”

I feel confused but I don’t say anything as I slide off the chair. I walk into the spotless kitchen, not quite sure what to do. I’m not particularly hungry, so I just get a glass of water. To my surprise I can hear my tutor talking in the other room.

“Yeah I’m still tutoring the C&R kid. I’ll be over soon. Yeah this kid’s too smart to need a tutor, but hey I’ll take the money. It’s not like his family is hurting haha. Hmm, well he’s a bit strange really. He doesn’t act like a kid, something’s off. But once again I’m just here to get paid, not be his psychologist.” 

I walk into the room and my tutor quickly hangs up. 

“Okay! Want to finish these last few problems, Jumin?” He offers with another big smile. 

I know he doesn’t like me.

I’m sitting in a car watching the city rush past the windows. Once again, I hear someone’s voice in my right ear, but this time it’s stepmother.

“Isn’t this nice getting a ride from school? I wish I had gotten such treatment when I was in school. Hey are you listening?”

I try to ignore her and focus on the sunny day outside, but then I feel her hand on my thigh.

“You’re getting so big and strong. Are these muscles from swimming class?”

“Please don’t touch me.” I mutter and angle my head forward for a moment.

I catch her displeased expression from the corner of my eye. I look out the window again.

“So cold as always. Really, Jumin? Is it so bad that I want to get close to you?”

Stepmother’s hand moves farther up my thigh and she leans closer.

“You don’t have to pretend to be indifferent to me. You must be lonely. I know how boys your age can get.”

The car slows to a stop at a light. I see a group of teenagers gathered outside an arcade. They’re laughing and jumping around. I want to break out of this car and go up to them. They would probably think I was strange, but maybe I could pretend to be like them for a while. Stepmother is still talking but I’m not listening. The image of the friend group at the arcade is burned into my mind long after we drive far away. 

Then I am staring at my mother hunching in a chair. Her dark hair is messy and she has bags under her eyes. Her chin is tucked into her palm as she stares off into nothing. I approach her slowly. She doesn’t move as I draw closer. I would have thought she was a statue, but I can see her breathing. 

“We have to write a poem about our family members' favorite thing for school. So I was wondering what your favorite thing is.”

My mother doesn’t say anything and all I can do is stand there. 

Finally she says “Go.”

“Is it okay to make something up since I don’t know-”

“Get out of my sight!”

For some godforsaken reason my legs don’t move.

Instead my mother finally looks at me and her lips curl in disgust.

“Why are you frowning at me? Are you trying to be such a nuisance? Write whatever you want, just leave! Oh god you’re crying now.”

She stands up from her seat and covers her face in her hands.

“God! I’m losing my mind. Just stop it, Jumin! Fine, here”

She grabs my arm and pulls me across the house. She stops at the basement door and pulls it open. 

“No, please don’t!” I shout and try to rip away from her grasp.

Of course, I can’t get away. She pushes me down. As I hit a stair, I catch her face glaring down at me. She doesn’t say a word and closes the door. The lock slides into place with a click and I’m left alone. There are toys lining the shelves that are supposed to be for me. All I do is stare down at my knees. Something is wrong with me, I think. I’m not normal. Other students knew what their mother’s favorite thing was as soon as the teacher asked. I was the only one who asked to take my assignment home. I must have fallen asleep on those steps for hours. I wake up when the maid opens the door to fetch me. 

“Your father is home from work, Jumin. He wants to see you.” the maid explains to me. 

“Jumin?”

“Jumin, are you okay, sweetie?”

Her hands grasp mine tightly and I see her looking at me. 

“What’s wrong? You look terrified.” 

A tight constriction seizes my throat and I swallow several times to clear it. I look around at the view around us. Skyscrapers of the city stand tall and the sun is just beginning to set. I can’t cry. It would be too embarrassing… but things feel different with her. I can be honest. I look back to the woman in front of me and bring her into my arms. The warmth of the person I love fits so perfectly in my arms. Tears well up and run down my face. She rubs my back soothingly. I notice she is holding me just as tightly as I am holding her.

“I’m here, Jumin. I’m here. You are not alone.”

---

an- this has been sitting in my google docs for literally years. it is the only fanfic i am proud of (and i've written many that are also collecting dust like this one was). it was inspired by a poem i came across and have since lost. i wrote this before jumin's bad after ending came out and i personally prefer the headcanons i had for jumin's biological mother. not a fan of the bad after ending in general, but i may rant about that some other time. the main five of the rfa have a special place in my heart, even after all this time