Lisa's

The other day I was looking at horses

Toy, plastic, strange

They felt right and they felt wrong.

You know, I love horses

But there was something in those things…

I was holding them in my hands

And was trying to understand

What was hidden in them

I was trying to see

Why I wanted to and did not want to keep them in the house.

 You turned my heart inside out and cut it into pieces, and then my time came, and my coldness was the worst punishment for you.

You tried to hurt me

I bent in pain, as in orgasm

But the pain caused by you, only burned the remains of feelings to you.

 I remembered: you gave me those horses

Plastic, soulless,

Their warmth was like yours.

Inspired by this beautiful song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlkgmdYxiuM

You hug her and your body feels her trembling. Her despair seeps into your skin, infecting it.

You always let her poison flow through your veins. You inhaled her smell, and she poisoned you every time, more and more. Harder. Stronger.

Your hearts beat in the same rhythm, sharing one womb.

You were of the same blood. Of the same toxic poison that burns the two of you from the inside.

You always knew that someday it would kill you both.

And now, when she looks at you with those eyes full of despair and fear, that have risen from the depths of her caustic, acid-stricken soul, you know that you are doing the right thing.

You hug her.

Heart to heart.

Blood to blood.

Pain to pain.

Now, at this moment, the last for you both, you will not let her to poison you again, to wrap you with her influence like a bedspread in the bedroom on one of those countless long, feverish nights.

Because she needs you. Here and now.

You close your eyes.

You are fused together, a gold alloy.

You freeze in eternity.

  And let whole cities die

and be washed into dust

let the whole world fall

and turn to ash

cause nothing else matters

only us

I was rewatching a music video: “MUSE – Thought Contagion”. And I thought: “Such a good song. Such a shitty video”.

Sometimes I really can’t understand why musicians, who have big money and huge possibilities, can’t hire some talented, good director to make a beautiful, original music video. If you watch pop music videos, it’s even worse. Why? Because it seems like directors have a strong purpose – to use EVERYTHING. They need to have a philosophical idea in the clip, bunch of naked girls over there, some explodes over here, and it’s nice to dance in this scene, and that scene will be with special effects, yeah. Done.

Why don’t you want to do something simple, but beautiful?

Probably they don’t have a talent, but they do have money to study in some LA films schools. I don’t know.

Anyway.

Here’s the TOP-5 of my favorite music videos which I think are great. It was hard to choose, really. Enjoy.

…must be funny in the rich man’s world, yeah.

I have many dreams. Some of those dreams require money. Sometimes even big money.

Here’s a simple example: the idea of studying in England came to my mind a few years ago. Maybe five years, or something like that. Most of my friends and, which is the most important thing, my parents were very supportive, they said: “It’s a great idea”. I need to make a remark here: my parents are not rich and they don’t have money to pay for my education in England. I think most parents in Russia can’t do that. England, especially London, is an expensive place to live and study.

Some of my friends said: “You’re crazy. It’s way too expensive”.

Fortunately, I didn’t listen to them.

Who do you think was right? People who said: “Yes, try it!” or people who said: “It’s crazy, it’s too expensive, it’s impossible”?

For me it’s obvious. Even though you can’t do something eventually, you always should try. You have to try. If you don’t try, if you bury your dream, it is tantamount to betrayal. Betrayal of oneself.

Recently I realized three things. First: you will never have enough money. Second: you have to save money, but at the same time you have to spend it. Third: if you have a dream, but you don’t have opportunities to let that dream come true, just do what you can do at the moment and trust your destiny. It will help you. I promise.

Some people always save money. They save it, save it, save it. They don’t travel. They don’t buy what they want to buy. They just save it for a better life. They always say: “We can’t afford this. We can’t afford that. We can’t afford those.” They save money for their children. Their children save money for their children. And their children save money for their children… It’s an endless circle.

They don’t really live their life. They only save money for some mysterious better life. And this "better life" never starts.

I decided a long time ago that I want to live my life, not just exist.

And, yes, of course, I had been saving money for my trip to England. And a close and dearest friend of mine and my family helped me a lot with my trip (that’s what I was talking about – trust your destiny). Because of him, my trip was three weeks long, not only two. And I’m so grateful for that.

I spent a lot of money on my trip. I could have saved that money. But I spent it on my dream. And I don’t regret spending any coin. I regret only wasting eight pounds on a shitty Long-Island in a club (don’t buy cocktails in clubs, alright).

That trip changed a lot in my life. I finally started to love myself after I came back from England. And I think it's worth any money. It’s priceless.

Sometimes I’m very scared. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have ground under my feet. It is fucking scary. I have the best parents, but they’re not oligarchs. My salary is just okay, it’s not very big. I have crazy dreams about studying filmmaking in England. And I have my intuition, my sense of purpose, my diligence and my faith in myself and in destiny.

I was watching an interview of “Preacher” cast (amazing series), and my favorite actor, Joe Gilgun, said in his unique and wonderful manner something like that: “Let’s just go in the flow, and on the move, we’ll understand everything, and everything will be fine”. He was just talking about some game they didn’t understand how to play, but I thought: “Shit. It is so true. It’s just life”.

So, what do I want to say? Just do what you have to do and spend money on what you really want to spend it. Carefully – don't waste money. Spend on what makes you feel better and makes you a better version of you. Believe in yourself. Believe in your dream. And everything will be really fine.

Trust me. (I’m a Doctor)

p.s. sorry for any grammar mistakes.