come up for air

Madeline would have prefered for Eli to continue to yell at her, all the harsh words and accusations he could possibly think to throw her way would have never hurt as much as hearing him tell her to go to this school in the cold, distant tone he used. “Is that really what you want?” she questioned, her voice faltering slightly as she folded her arms across her chest as if to make a protective barrier between him and the words he spoke. Taking in a deep breath, she looked up at the ceiling to cover up the quivering exhale that followed, the tingling sensation building up behind her eyes. It went unspoken, but they both knew what accepting this offer would mean; in the fall she would pack up her life here in North Carolina to travel to New York to further her education, leaving the life she knew behind- leaving him behind. He wasn’t listening to her, he was choosing which words of her explanation to focus on, ignoring the parts she needed him to hear the most. Blonde curls swaying back and forth as she shook her head no, dropping her hands back to her sides, becoming indignant due to his refusal to see things from her position, even just for a moment. “You know what, don’t answer that,” the anger in her own voice became evident while stopping him before he responded, fearing his reply would break her heart more than his words already had. 

Eli wanted to say "No." He wanted to take all of his words back, to beg Maddie to stay with him because he needed her and because he loved her and because he couldn't imagine his life without her anymore. He wanted her to know that she had slowly begun meaning everything to him and that he'd do whatever it took to still be with her. For the longest time, even before this day, he had even thought about telling her that he'd go with her if she wanted to attend a school out of town, not caring if he had to put her future and needs in front of his own just as long as they'd be together. But right now, all of that was overshadowed by the anger that consumed him from feeling like she wasn't really his, like a part of her constantly wanted to break free and leave him. Repeated betrayal, continuous uncertainty. That was what he felt. In situations like this one: angry, hurt, powerless and bitter, but at the same time distant, emotionless and cold, like he really didn't want to feel anything at all. Like all of this wouldn't make him this miserable if he didn't love her so much he could hardly breathe when he saw her this upset, knowing that he had been the one to make her feel this way. All that escaped from his mouth was an incomprehensible sound that most of all sounded like a sigh and a drawn out "I...", and then she told him not to answer so instead, Eli kept quiet.

The letter had never been intended for Eli’s eyes, having placed it in plain sight in her kitchen simply in hopes of her dad finding it while brewing coffee one morning; it remained there waiting to be found, only now it had been found by the wrong male in Madeline’s life. The reaction he gave to her touch had been expected, it didn’t hurt any less when he pulled his hands away from her touch, though, her arms falling to her sides helplessly. Pulling the fabric of her sleeves down over her hands, she nervously fidgeted with the material while she spoke. Witnessing him packing his notebooks, books and pencils into his school bag made her talk quickly, fearing he would leave before she had the opportunity to justify why she had kept the knowledge of the acceptance letter to herself. Her thoughts were everywhere, though, unsure of what exactly to say to get him to stay. It had been a mistake keeping this information from him, Madeline knew that, but she had still decided to let him go by unaware believing it was the better option. Him finding out about New York had never been the plan, nevertheless he knew now.

"I'm just so sick of you leaving me all the damn time," Eli continued after Maddie had reconfirmed that nothing she had told him had been lies, his voice practically shaking from how frustrated he was. He knew she had meant it when she agreed to trying every possible thing so they could stay together, but he also knew that sometimes minds changed and that this wouldn't be the first time. When it came down to it, though, both of them had promised the other that they would stay and now Eli didn't know if she even intended on keeping that promise. Only half-listening to the next thing she said, Eli looked at Maddie with skepticism and tried getting his temper to cool down. He knew half the anger he felt wasn't caused by her, noticing lately that whenever his temper flared up it was aggravated by his fragile state of mind and thoughts that circled around the same four or five things all of the time, but he couldn't help but take it out on her no matter how badly he wanted to keep it in. After evaluating his options for a second, Eli sighed heavily and forgot about leaving for a moment so he could hear at least part of her explanation. "Fine," he said and threw the highlighter into the bag, hiding his hands in the front pockets of his pants. Biting his lip, he felt even worse once she had explained why she even applied in the first place. He knew it was selfish of him to ask her to give up something like this, and deep down he didn't want to. Who said that they would still be together even a month from now? Nothing was certain, but if Maddie went to New York and got the education she had always dreamed of, she'd end up doing what made her happy for the rest of her life without a doubt. Who knew, maybe she would even meet someone else if she gave up her relationship with Eli and she'd be perfectly happy with him instead. Someone better. Who was he to keep her from all that?

Walking back down the hall to where they were studying, the smell of the pizza in her hands filled her nose, making her even hungrier than she already had been when calling for take out half an hour ago. Disappointed to not find Eli waiting on the couch with the plates, wanting more than anything to just grab a slice of the pizza that was taunting her with its smell, she abandoned the box on the table so she could follow after him into the kitchen. Figuring he had forgotten where they kept their dinnerware, since out of the two of their houses his was the one they spent most of their evenings together in, she reminded him of their location as she walked through the door and towards the refrigerator. Rummaging through its contents to find beverages for the pair, she was just about to ask what he would prefer to drink when his own words cut her off. Eyebrows raised in confusion she turned away from the refrigerator to look at him instead, one hand still gripped around the handle. His back was facing her, his body shielding whatever it was he was looking at so Madeline was clueless as to why his mood had seemed to change so suddenly; that was until he turned around, the large white envelope she had placed on the counter in hopes of her dad spotting it in Eli’s hands instead. 

Taking large steps, Eli headed back toward the living room to start packing his books, highlighters and pencils as quickly as possible. "Don't even bother," he warned Maddie as he approached the coffee table when she asked for him to let her explain why she hadn't told him yet, only half aware of the fact that she was walking a few feet behind him. Once he felt her fingers wrap around his he realized it, though, and as a reflex pulled his hands back within seconds of feeling her touch. Not in a particularly mad or furious manner, just ... cold. He did feel angry, though. She knew that he needed her to stay here, and she had been lecturing him about honesty after finding out about his problems before he had told her, so why was she keeping something like this from him? When it came down to it, he didn't know if he was more betrayed because she hadn't told him or because she had considered leaving. He wanted to know if she was going or not, or if she was still undecided, but now just didn't feel like the right time to ask.

Nodding along as he answered her questions, Madeline noticed how his demeanor changed as he spoke; for the first time in weeks, the excitement was evident in his tone and the genuine smile she had fallen in love with had finally made an appearance across his lips.  With a smile of her own, she continued- calmly- with questions swirling around in her mind, wondering if he had informed his parents of his decision, if he knew which grade level he ultimately wanted to teach, anything at all to keep him talking and the smile on his face. Since his search for a college hadn’t began, she explained to him about some colleges she had been recommended by the guidance counselor of their school a few months back, most having exceptional English departments that he may want to look into. “Before you leave, remind me to check to see if I still have the brochures on my desk. If I didn’t throw them away while cleaning a few days back they should still be there,” she said as a reminder to herself and him. Out of all the planning for the future Maddie has done herself, choosing which college to apply for had been one of the hardest aspects of it all, the options seeming endless to a girl who wanted to fulfill her dream of turning her passion for writing into a career. And when the letters from them began to come in the mail, the anxiety of it all began to kick in, knowing sooner or later she would need to make a decision on where she wanted to go. For now, though, she still had time so she had put it to the back of her mind, at least until she officially graduated from high school. 

It turned out talking about his plans for the future actually made Eli even more excited for it than he already was instead of making hopelessness spread from his mind and throughout his entire body, and this new feeling of knowing exactly what it was you wanted to do and knowing that you weren't wasting your time doing something that was only going to lead you nowhere felt so refreshing to him that he actually completely forgot all about sleep deprivation and sore muscles and stress and depression for a minute. Answering Maddie's questions to the best of his abilities, Eli realized that there were still a lot of things that needed to be settled, but just knowing that he was on the right track made everything else seem so trivial in comparison. He replied to her last statement with a grateful sigh and a light "Yeah," before watching her get up from her seat to open the door for the delivery guy. After sitting for a few moments, he got up and walked into the kitchen to get plates and glasses for the two of them. Headed toward the cupboard he knew housed bowls and dinner plates, something caught Eli's eye and made him stop in his tracks halfway toward the spot he was originally approaching: a large white envelope shoved behind a plant on the counter that only covered about half of it. Immediately, he got an idea of what it must've contained, so he changed directions and walked to the plant instead, reaching behind it while he heard Maddie greet the pizza guy. Turning the envelope over, Eli looked for the return address on the previously opened letter casing and felt his heart drop in his chest when he found it, confirming his suspicions.

Finishing their order with an additional side order of breadsticks, the worker gave her the the total and informed her that they would arrive within a twenty five to thirty minute time frame. Abandoning her phone on the armrest closest to her, instead of grabbing the notebook she had in her hands moments ago she rested her head against the cushions that lined the back of the couch, postponing her study for a short while. The small amount of free time Madeline did have had turned into time being spent with one of her many textbooks in hand, refreshing herself on the course material that she would be tested on in just a few weeks. This was the end, though, these exams marked the end of the school year, and for seniors like Eli and herself it marked the end of their high school career. She just need to push herself through these final days and it would all be over. The only sound in her living room had been the music she had put on for background noise, unable to stand the silence even while she studied. His voice made her turn her head towards him, voicing a soft ‘hmm’, giving him the go ahead to continue with his question. No presumptions on what he may ask entered her mind, the he words he did speak, though, weren’t ones she expected in the slightest. 

All of this cramming for finals and the future suddenly getting close enough for Eli to practically being able to taste it, meant that thoughts of how he'd spend the next several years suddenly popped into his head in an almost organic way instead of him having to force himself into imagining what he'd want his life to be like in ten years from now, which turned out to be a pretty hard thing for Eli to do without anything pushing or guiding him. For almost a year, he hadn't been able to get to a conclusion when it came to the big 'future'-question, but now it finally seemed like he was getting close. Well, at least now he actually had an idea. The pressure of not knowing whether or not he was making the right decisions seemed to finally fade slightly, to Eli's great relief. Now, all he had to do was set the plan in motion.

Dreams and Disasters || Maddie & Eli

Studying for finals on minimal sleep and with a million thoughts circling your mind at all times was far more hard than what Eli had expected. Well, actually he hadn't expected much at all. Finals week had seemed so far away the past month, but suddenly it all came too close for it to still be acceptable for him to keep ignoring it. Having Maddie there beside him made it all a bit more manageable, though, with their usual movie nights now turning into study dates instead. Their activities were suddenly incredibly dull, but both of them knew that they had to work hard with this being the end of their senior year and everything. Besides, it wasn't permanent. Once the summer began, all of this would be history, they just had to hang in there for a few more weeks and it'd all be over. This thought was the light at the end of Eli's tunnel, the only reason he kept going. That, and the fact that Madeline didn't seem to approve of all of the make out breaks he kept suggesting, demanding that they return to the books as if they were her beloved fairy tales and not yawn-inducing history, physics and biology books.

All Madeline needed was for someone to listen. Seeing the blank screen of her phone had brought back the emotions involving her father, and although she had wanted to keep her problems to herself while Eli sorted out his own, talking to him proved to be helpful. With his hand stroking hers and him providing as much insight into her situation as he could, she was grateful to have someone in her life who cared enough to allow her to simply vent when aspects of her life became too much to handle on her own. Ups and downs still occurred within their relationship, but Eli had become one of the only constants in her life even through rough times they both faced. Following after him, Maddie let herself relax against the headboard just as he did, letting her body focus on his comforting touch. “I’ve never doubted that he loves me… But, when you love someone you are suppose to show it through your actions,” she said with closed eyes, her shoulders moving up and down while she took long, deep breaths. All she really wanted from her dad was for him to slow down his own personal life for a few moments, long enough for them to carry on a conversation that didn’t end with him leaving again. Even the letters on their kitchen counter, where she had strategically placed them in hopes of his finding them had yet to be acknowledged, all sent from various colleges she had applied to. 

Her actions would belie stated beliefs if she chose to dismiss his question, a true hypocrite when she had called him out on leading her to believe everything in his own life was alright for weeks before the truth had uncovered itself. The severity of their problems had no comparison which was why she hesitated to address her own, keeping Eli’s recovery above all before she even thought of worrying about her own issues. Fake smiles and brave faces never fooled him anymore, after being together for months she didn’t know why she felt he would believe the cover ups she forced in hopes of him looking past them. In that time he had proved that she could confide in him, and as he reiterated that fact in hopes of her opening up to him about what exactly was plaguing her mind in this moment Madeline couldn’t think of any reason not to, other than not wanting to give him another thing to worry about when so much was already there- the sole reason why she had yet to answer him. Worrying would happen regardless of if she told him or not, though, there was no hiding that there was something bothering her and lying would futile. There was only one option, the truth.

It turned out that thinking and talking about something other than his own issues was actually the best distraction available, but that didn't mean that Eli felt any less bad hearing about Maddie's problems with her dad and how he'd started lessening the amount of attention he gave her, oblivious to the fact that she still needed someone at home to care for her and look after her even though she was well on her way to being an independent adult. It was understandable enough if seeing his daughter every day now had a sentimental and nostalgic effect to it after divorcing the woman who had been his wife for so long and was still Madeline's mother, but no matter how many excuses Eli could think of to explain his negligence he still didn't feel like they would ever come close to justifying it. He had a feeling that wasn't what Maddie needed to hear right now, though, so instead he tried making sense of something he had little to no knowledge about at all. "You're seventeen. He probably knows you can take care of yourself just fine by now," he said and looked at her sympathetically, giving her hand a light squeeze. The only way in which he could relate to how she must've been feeling was how his own parents seemed to look past his needs and wishes just like Maddie's dad now was. They had pushed him and expected too much of him, believing that it'd help him get used to living on his own and all of the challenges and responsibilities that went along with it. But what they hadn't realized was that on top of the time he spent taking care of things for school and work, there wasn't much left in his reserves of energy for running errands, doing housework and watching his sister whenever they worked and couldn't do it themselves. And ultimately, all of that had led to him breaking down from the pressure, ending in the miserable state he now found himself in.

I brought my depressing music to listen to. Brian likes to call it that.

That's... sorta rude.

I am beyond bored.

Reading always helped me through quiet hours behind the register if you want tips on how to kill time. That, or Angry Birds.

‘This is what love does: It makes you want to rewrite the world. It makes you want to choose the characters, build the scenery, guide the plot. The person you love sits across from you, and you want to do everything in your power to make it possible, endlessly possible. And when it’s just the two of you, alone in a room, you can pretend that this is how it is, this is how it will be.’ A quote from a book she had read in recent weeks filled her thoughts, a wandering mind ultimately leading her to those written words that described her scenario in this moment so well. Eli sitting astride her on the cushions of the couch, the two of them and no one else for the first time in possibly weeks, Madeline wanted to live in this moment for as long as possible not wanting to reenter the reality that was filled with his younger sister, coworkers and parents. So when he suggested they returned to bed for the remainder of the day, Madeline agreed happily, not caring what they did- or didn’t- do with this time as long as they were together. Last nights impromptu call from him is what brought her here knowing just by the sound of his voice that he needed her, but even though it was mainly in part time him he isn’t the only one who simply needs the company; which was why she never minded dropping whatever it was she was in the middle of, including sleeping, to be with him. Taking the time to return the kitchen to its original state before they had woken this morning, now clean plates and utensils placed back in their corresponded cabinets and drawers after Maddie had washed and Eli had dried, all evidence of breakfast being cooked was wiped clean. Pulling down the sleeves of his dress shirt she had to roll up in order to keep them dry while cleaning, she trailed behind him as they returned to the second story of his home, a few steps behind due to him taking two stairs at a time and her single strides. 

As the day went on and hours ticked by, Eli felt himself getting continuously tired once again, although only little by little. He was already dreading the inevitable zombie-like state he would, undoubtedly, find himself in at the end of the day; the one he had gotten so used to being in lately that escaping it for even a few hours lightened his mood considerably, although seeing the obviously — at least to him — forced smile Maddie put on while approaching her spot in his bed, a sliver of his heart broke apart from the rest and the smile on his own face faded, only to be replaced by raised eyebrows and teeth biting the inside of his cheek. In all of his misery, he had forgotten that she had problems of her own and that her life didn't stop just because he was going through something he needed her help to get to the other side of. Even during obstacles and hard times, Eli didn't ever want their relationship to end up one-sided in any way imaginable, so he gave her hand a little extra squeeze and refrained from turning on the TV opposite his bed like he would've if he hadn't caught the sad look in her eyes while she tried putting on the brave face she was currently wearing for him. "What's wrong?" he asked softly once they sat side by side, his curiosity as to what she had just seen on her phone growing with every suggestion that popped into his head. "You can tell me."