let me go mad (in my own way)

i feel very small in this vulnerable-uncomfortable-lonely way where i am in bed with my body pillow but it’s not enough and i wish my weighted blanket were a lot heavier and i wish someone would hold me and i wish everything were nicer sensorially but i don’t know how exactly. small lights i think. smells not strong but nice. i don’t know how to make myself fully comfortable. mostly i want not to be alone. i want to be small and not alone but not - not comforted by someone? on the same level not a caregiver thing. something mutual. which is impossible etc etc. sometimes i want to be held really tight sometimes i want to be able to have someone’s head on my lap and run my fingers through their hair to help sometimes i want something different like this. it doesn’t matter because i can’t have any of it. but. i don’t know. i’ve been crying a lot today and maybe the past few days too, even when i don’t feel bad. which isn’t atypical for me it’s just always weird that i am like this.

i have less than two weeks to sort and pack all my stuff and i haven’t started because for most of this month i have been completely unable to read write think talk to people or do anything. because i am constantly sad and small and i curl up in bed waiting to be better & never doing anything to make it happen because it’s all too much.

with the loneliness / vulnerability i have been spiraling more and convincing myself that i am completely alone. there are so many reasons for people to be uncomfortable or maybe even upset with me. there are even more reasons for people to simply not care. i don’t think any of my friends hates me. but i feel very detached from everyone. and it’s like. i’m not talking a lot to people right now. and it is because i am not reaching out. but every time i see that people are talking without me / talking to others i get - not jealous - but even more lonely. even though i’m the one not reaching out. but i have nothing to say and ultimately that’s what it is. it’s easy and normal for people to care more about other friends than about me and to spend more time with others. because i have nothing to offer nothing to say nothing to do. and again. i don’t think anyone hates me. or i hope no one does. it’s just. i don’t think people are very comfortable with me most of the time. and i know this is true because whenever i convince myself that it’s just me being anxious something happens that proves i was right and the way i am or the way i talk or the things i say do upset people i care about and i never know how to fix it and it’s always too late. and so people aren’t comfortable around me. and the people who are not uncomfortable still don’t have much of a reason to be around me a lot because i’m not giving them any reason to. i’m just a lot to deal with with nothing to give in return. i feel all alone in the dark half out of my body but trapped away from everyone else

how to be secure in relationships how to not fuck up in relationships how to stop being someone who makes every situation uncomfortable for everyone else how to connect with people etc etc