let me go mad (in my own way)

idk being blocked by someone only makes you notice them more i feel. it’s fine it’s whatever everyone has the right to select who they perceive (no one reblogs my post) and who can perceive them and i understand it’s literally fine i just feel bad about it anyway i keep remembering about it and wanting to cry even though it simply does not matter. mostly i hate that it means that people i barely know are aware of me and thought about me enough to block me. i hate the feeling/knowledge that people talk about me behind my back even when i understand why. it makes me feel watched and i get extremely paranoid even though i know it’s not like that

i feel truly ridiculous for being affected by this but it is making me go insane sometimes. the horrible feeling that everything i say is read and watched and judged by people who don’t know me. maybe i shouldn’t be online at all because that’s what social media is. the idea that people can hear about me and perceive me enough to have a fixed opinion on me despite me knowing very little or nothing about them. the fear that everyone is talking about me even though i am simply not that important for people to be doing that. and the fact that i can block some of them but i am determined not to block anyone who has done nothing to me and has not expressed opinions that upset me, because i want to allow the potential for [change?], but being constantly reminded that people have thought about me enough to block me without ever interacting with me directly makes me sick even though it’s absolutely normal and done all the time online. the urge to delete all my posts and all my accounts and disappear where no one can see me and talk to me, because it’ll be better for everyone, because i won’t be missed and i won’t have to be scared

i keep feeling sad (and envious, but mostly sad and isolated) whenever i see friends spending time with other people, which is not something i want to feel, it’s not who i want to be, but i don’t know how to change it. i see people hanging out together in person or calling each other or making plans or anything and i feel like other people existing together means i am excluded, when that is not what is happening and i know it. but it’s difficult to change this feeling with everything that is going on. i hate that a friend would rather invite other friends to her house for over a week during finals season even though they end up insulting her, than responding to my texts. i hate that another friend prefers gaming and working with a neonazi instead of making plans to hang out. i hate that a friend who meant a lot to me can go months without ever reaching out or suggesting that we see each other, not only because they are busy with uni (understandable) but mostly because they are surrounded by dozens of truly amazing people who are so much more interesting and knowledgeable than i am (and i don’t just feel sad that it means i don’t really matter anymore, i also feel envious that they know all these people because i would love to be friends with them too!). and then i project that onto everyone and the second i am not hanging out with someone and hear that they are talking to other people i feel bad but i don’t want that, i want to be able to enjoy my time alone and to find joy in hanging out without feeling bad the second it’s over, without interpreting everything as people preferring other people over me. but since it’s true of some people maybe it’s true of everyone. but the thing is even if people do prefer others over me it doesn’t have to be a big deal, it doesn’t feel good but it’s alright, as long as it doesn’t mean they don’t care about me anymore (unlike some people. see above) it should be fine! it’s just all so much and i keep wanting attention

someone loving other people doesn’t mean they don’t love me but some people sure act like it!!! i don’t even want to replace those other people or anything i just want not to be excluded constantly. but also can i blame them lol i am the way i am of course people don’t want to hang out with me