She queer, she here

Good bitch, I'm glad none of your people have an ounce of loyalty to you

does that suck, mark? is it not fun to have your privacy violated? do you feel uncomfortable with people knowing things about you that you'd rather they not know? tell me more about how much you value your security and privacy, mark.

you solve the mystery of what to have for dinner one night and you think "hell yeah case closed forever" WRONG there is a dinner mystery the next night too

walking down the street and saw someone walking the other direction with a pig in a harness and leash and I stupidly asked, "is that a pig?" and he replied, "I sure hope it is, it was a pig when I left the house"

I'm losing my fucking mind, what a banger, put some dirty bass on that and it would hit the gay party scene like a third plane

whoever wrote this paper has the funniest phrasing possible

happy turtle bit off a cop’s toe in the hudson river day for those who celebrate

Happy centennial to the turtle who bit off a cop’s toe in the hudson river

Happy pride month to my dad. When I came out as bi to him, this man googled what it ment, look at me and said "ohh. Yeah. You get that from me. You'd have far more siblings of I only shaged women." And went right back to his work emails.

the version of you from five years ago would be genuinely amazed by what you’ve handled since then. sit with that for a second

they seriously expected us to worship cops & soldiers when street cleaners and sanitation workers exist? fuck off i know who my heroes are