All the time, I question why people choose to be around me. A me that is so flawed, so complicated. Unfriendly and unstable. I picture a thousand other people where I stand, and all of them look better in the role than I do... And I return to my coping mechanism.
Hard work. Proving that I have value despite everything that makes me me. Being useful is good, being *necessary* is better. Motivation and grit, born from insecurity and self-hatred. From a certainty that I wouldn't be wanted if I wasn't exceptional...
And then there's the other coping mechanism. Sometimes I just drop the mask entirely. Sometimes it feels good to do my worst, and still not be rejected. Lose the smile, remove all the joy from my voice, and act for all the world like I wouldn't even glance over if it died. I put the spikes out at full length, and watch my friends willingly walk into them, just to be near me. Showing my worst self, and asking them why they put up with it... Is this manipulation? Am I testing them? Trying to prove my fears right? Or is it a twisted sort of vulnerability? Showing them my unfiltered self the only way I know how.
Because they like having me around, is always the answer. Like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
I don't understand why they would.
