El Diario De Jane

I want to go to Europe and skate every park and every street spot. I want to go to Portugal to practice my Portuguese and surf. I want to learn how to sail and know what if feels like exist on open water where you can’t see any glimpse of land. I want to get back into to rock climbing, but not just bouldering. I want to learn how to belay and climb something just scary enough to where wish I wouldn’t have done it, but doable enough to where I don’t actually risk my life. I want to go back to Puebla and retrace my steps from childhood and explore the catacombs because I don’t really remember them. I want to go train hopping and spend hours watching the passing landscape. I want to go to Uganda a visit Hannah’s home town and go to Israel to visit where where some of my dad’s family lives. I want to speak Spanish everyday again. It’s so much more fun than English. I want to go on adventures that really scare me and I want to write about every second of it.  

I’m always trying too hard to categorize myself and understand who I am in regards to my environment. Sometimes it becomes really overwhelming and I wish I understood how to quiet my thoughts. Most of the time, especially at school, I feel very isolated and lonely, but I try not to focus on any thoughts that point on how “different” I am or the idea that I’m unlike anyone I’m around. I find that these thoughts tend to isolates me even more. On Tuesday I was having a particular rough day. I hadn’t spoken to anyone and, even though I don’t really love talking to my roommates, I thought it would be good for me to have a somewhat casual conversation. Two of my roommates and one of the boys next door came into my room and started talking to me. They made me laugh and we bounded over a particular disliking of a boy that always came into our suite. But just as I felt myself coming back down from my dissociative state that I been hiding in all day, one of the girls says this “you know Jane you are unlike anyone I’ve ever met, you are so different and it’s-.” I stopped listening and don’t quite remember what she said next. Yes, maybe I should’ve taken this as a confident booster or a compliment, but it really just reminded me why my experience has been so difficult at UNC. It’s not that’s I see myself as this entirely unique person unlike anyone else, it’s that these people see me that way. I don’t know. I’m at that point where I want to delete everything I just wrote because I’ve convinced myself that its of unimportance. Maybe that means this is a good stopping point.  

morning :)

space buns

//messy room//

i actually drank it and it was good :) 

:))