babykoalaboo

So, tonight is another night I get drunk and rewatch pacrim after what feels like forever. I just realised in the scene where Raleigh and Mako were in the hanger that Raleigh went through “the hardest part” which is “the silence”. Which means he didn’t even have Yancy in his head with him for those awful five years four months. Oh how I feel for these boys.

Happy birthday, my dear Chuck.

:/

Honestly Pacific Rim is the most romantic movie I’ve ever seen.

:/

It’s the fourth year since he became a pilot. Everything is awful. Unlike those who joined before him, Chuck never really got to experience the glory days. From the moment Knifehead decommissioned Gipsy, everything changed. The world’s faith in the Jaeger programme is hanging by a thread. So many pilots and Jaegers lost. And Chuck can feel his connection with Herc slowly weakening. There is nothing they can change, there is nothing they can say, there is nothing they can fix. Everything unsaid is in the drift, but that doesn’t mean either of them knows how to deal with it. Chuck is young. He might be a seasoned soldier, but he is young. And never got the chance to properly grow up in the ways that matter the most. He’s lived a soldier’s life, and that’s the only life he knows. Because nothing else matters. Not when you are weighing one child’s mental health and emotional needs against the survival of human race. Anger is all Chuck has. Anger is something he can use. Anger is something that makes sense. Fear, pain, heartbreak, grief, despair, these are things Chuck cannot afford. But anger, anger is his friend. It washes away the bitter feelings of disappointment, frustration, and resentment. Chuck can be angry at anything he doesn’t know how to deal with, and when you’re the best fighter in a losing war, anger can always be justified. Of course he knows it’s no good for the bond, but that’s just another thing to be angry about. He has been on this earth for twenty years, and Kaiju for the last ten. He doesn’t remember a life before, and he doesn’t imagine a life after. Time has lost its meaning because there is no future. Yet he is living by numbers, every second passed counted. No one can know how he feels, no one wants to know.

It is that time of the year again. The end is near.

And ghost drifting is definitely canon.

So. Upon the 724th rewatch, I’m getting the feeling that Stacker really isn’t a fan of Raleigh. Like, on a personal level. Every time Raleigh challenges his authority, even just a little bit, he gets irritated in a very obvious and unique way. He doesn’t keep cool, he gives this long suffering look that says he’s so done with this brat. Unlike when the science duo or Chuck were being chaotic or shouting at him, he knows he always could control them and they would always obey, with Raleigh, the ‘insubordination’ gets under his skin. I mean when he smiled at Raleigh and said “because I said so mr becket” it was just plain murderous. And he is really scary! I don’t think I appreciated how scary he was in that hallway basically telling Raleigh that he means shit to him if not for his fighting skills. I now understand why there were so many fics where Raleigh and PPDC have bad blood. When Stacker went to the wall to grab him Raleigh’s lines are all these little jabs said in a way that insinuates PPDC left him to rot outside the dome. Even if he did choose to leave himself it doesn’t really explain why he had to chase jobs on the wall to survive when he was indeed a hero against Knifehead. And Raleigh in the movie is not so broken to be suicidal. He takes high risks yes, but I think that’s just his personality, like Mako had observed from pre-Knifehead records. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been so bitter towards Stacker. Now Stacker might be a cold hearted SOB whose only soft spot is his precious Mako, but this almost personal distaste towards the hero of the movie somehow made him more human and made me like him more. Maybe it’s seeing a man with martyr syndrome running deeper in his bones than radiation cancer being actually tormented by his daughter’s soulmate, it gives me a sick satisfaction. Oh and to add, when Herc decided to screw the orders, Stacker didn’t shout into the mic at the Hansens, he turned around and gave Raleigh a death glare, like it’s all Raleigh’s fault. It is hilarious.

I usually don’t have happy thoughts on this day because you know, I have way too much feelings for this fictional character and it’s his fictional birthday and we don’t like that he’s growing because you know why haha. But, I had a great day today and I just want him to have a great day too. So here’s what happens on his 19th birthday: he wakes up, he walks his dog, he trains for a bit, his dad is busy but actually left him a note saying he’d be back to have dinner together with him, so that’s like, okay. And there is a package from one of the sponsors PPDC Sydney works with to the Hansens, which he thinks he should just open without waiting, and in it there are 2 pairs of boots with cool steel shins which look badass. He does have a little problem with wearing matching boots with his father outside of combat suit/uniforms though, but he’s sure the old man won’t like them so he’ll just have spares. Then he goes back to work. Dinner is a little awkward but nothing too unbearable, they mostly just talk about dad’s trip, his dog’s weight, Striker’s toe nail, share gossips while he pretends to be not interested in what’s happening with Mako, and they say goodnight. He does mention the boots before they split up, dad is nonchalant. But if one pair disappears from his room later he doesn’t say anything.

Happy birthday Chuck.

there was this chaleigh fic I called The Miracle of 2021, it’s so on point with the character studies especially for Chuck. But it’s not finished and the last update was Nov 2021 and now I am very worried. 

:/