Cedar-Home

In June of 2024 I started a fic, based entirely round a single flash of an image that went along with a 'what if'. That image was a 'moody' Jefferson, sitting in the back of a lecture hall, watching Belle give her archeology students a lecture, and the 'what if' was - how would it be if the Templars survived, and Jefferson was one of them? From this, Dies Irae was born, but then after that first chapter, nothing happened for a couple of years, because, in spite of my best efforts, my job killed my creativity, and I became more and more blocked the more I tried to find ways to unblock. The image (and the constant wondering) never went away though.

Fast forward to summer of this year. Determined to exorcise this fic, (aka finish a WIP, or at least make progress) I came back to it, with a different process, a process that I had used on a series of fics back in... 2008 written for Stargate Atlantis and timed ahead of the final season because I had a feeling I wasn't going to like it. The process worked very well for SGA: VS5, but for some reason, afterwards, didn't seem to sit right with other fandoms I have written for including Rumbelle. But I thought I'd give it another try, and guess what - it worked.

The process goes basically:

Broad stroke outline

Chapter by Chapter outline

Chapter scene beat by beat detailed outline

Outline first draft

Edited to final draft

So I did that for Dies Irae, it worked, I ended up with the fic building pretty fast, and got ahead of myself before I started posting again. Yay, great. Problem was, during the course of that process, another 'what if' came along, and generated a sequel (Dies Irae: Vespers). I applied the same process, it worked again, but sure enough, another 'what if' and another sequel (Dies Irae: Lauds). I've written about that happening as it happened, not really news.

The first was stationary and positioned at the end of the block when Jefferson arrived in town, moving into the foot traffic behind him naturally, as someone who had chosen their insertion point carefully. The second he identified seven minutes later, a block ahead, the relay pattern established itself with the economy of practiced coordination.

He let them follow for eleven minutes.

He used the eleven minutes to assess capability: the distance they maintained, the way they managed the relay, the speed of their communication which told him something about their equipment.

They were good.

They were not as good as they thought they were, because nobody who was actually as good as they thought they were would have taken the Boardwalk Street relay point. It had sightline problems that anyone who knew Storybrooke well enough to be running surveillance in it should have identified.

Jefferson knew Storybrooke very well.

He turned off Boardwalk Street at nine twenty-eight.

There was a whine in his labored breathing as he leaned with his back against the wall in the narrow service alley behind the Cannery on Calloway Street.  His long legs braced him there like a man who had finished something and was taking a moment before the next thing that the completion needed of him.

His indrawn shuddering breath centered his attention in his jaw. The tenderness there told him that the second operative had been faster than his initial assessment suggested, or had anticipated the turn - both.  He noted that without particular emphasis. It was information about the competence of the opposition, which was useful.  The consequence would resolve in a few days, which was acceptable. 

His churning emotions were not.

He put his head back against the wall, took several deep, visceral breaths. It wasn’t enough. Despite the breaths, he felt like he was drowning. Five minutes.  He could give himself five minutes. He lifted his head from the wall, and slammed it back again, and again, the action sent fresh pain radiating through his jaw. He closed his eyes and sank to his haunches, clenching his teeth; forcing his breath to steady, banished the whine, and ran his left hand over his suddenly wet face.

Three minutes and he breathed out long and slow, then drew himself up to his full six feet, and tipped his head from side to side, centering himself again fully into his body.

His right hand throbbed with an ache deep in the metacarpals. It was the kind of ache that came from force applied at a particular angle. He flexed it once. Twice. Checked he had a satisfactory range of motion, then put it in his coat pocket.

He pushed away from the wall and stood in the alley for a moment longer.

He examined what the second operative had said, or rather, what she had not said and the particular quality of her silence when he had asked the question that mattered, and what that silence told him. The Congregation knew the third register had been broken. Not the content, he was certain they didn’t have Belle’s translation, but they were aware it existed. They knew she had solved what they hadn’t been able to solve. They knew the Order’s Word-Keeper had the key.

That changed the timeline.

He pulled his phone from his pocket - the time on the lock-screen said nine fifty-two - and sent Gold a message:

Two. Professional. Dealt with. Intelligence to follow - significant. Available when needed.

Gold’s response came back in under a minute:

Come in this afternoon. Well done.

Jefferson Vessel passage that Gold had asked him to walk her through in preparation for her conversation with Ruby.  He arrived at five past eleven, which was not his usual precision, and which he knew, Belle would note.

She was at her table by the window; the table she always took. Her tea was half-drunk and still warm, which told him she had been there for approximately twenty minutes, which also told him she had arrived early. From that he gleaned she had been thinking about the working session in a way that made ordinary punctuality feel insufficient.

He put down his bag and sat across from her.

Belle looked at him, but did not immediately say anything.

He could see in her face that she was assessing him. He could see the information being received and filed, and Jefferson, who was accustomed to being read by people with specific capabilities in that area, felt the quality of her reading him as a different thing from Ruby’s or Gold’s. Not supernatural. Simply very, very good.

“Tea?” she said.

“Thank you,” Jefferson said.

Belle gestured toward the counter in the way of someone who had been in the library enough times to know the service.  He went to order. He was aware, going to the counter, of the way he was moving when someone who notices things was watching him move. He made himself move normally. He was good at moving normally.

He came back with his tea and sat down, opened his bag and took out the materials for the work session. Belle looked at the materials, then looked at him.

“The second register,” she said. “The Vessel passage.”

“Yes,” Jefferson said. “Gold wanted you to have the Order’s reading of it before—”

“Before I talk with Ruby, yes,” Belle said. “He told me.”  She paused. “We can do that.”

She pulled the relevant section of her translation toward her. Jefferson looked at it. He took in the Vessel passage in Belle’s handwriting and the thoroughness of her annotations in the margins - written in three colors: pencil, pen, and the red ink of what appeared to be her personal-dimension inference.

He began to walk her through the Order’s historical reading of the passage, which was considerably older than Belle’s translation and had the weight of centuries of interpretation behind it.  Belle listened the way she always did to instruction she respected. She wasn’t passive, and constantly cross-referenced points in the text, asking the questions that demonstrated she was three steps ahead of where the instruction was currently.

They worked for forty minutes. It was, Jefferson thought, one of the better forty minutes he had spent in recent memory. Working with someone whose intelligence was equal to the material, who pushed back when she disagreed, and absorbed when she agreed, and always, always knew which one was which. It was was refreshing, like spring rain.

At the end of forty minutes Belle sat back and looked at her notes, then she looked at Jefferson.

“Does Gold know?” she asked.

Jefferson frowned at her. “Of the Vessel passage? Yes. He—”

“No.” Belle said. “About whatever happened this morning.”

Jefferson took a breath.

“I told him this morning,” Belle said, with the complete evenness of someone who is not asking a question, but confirming an inference. “before I came here, that there were things in the translation that required urgent attention, and he said yes, the timeline has accelerated. He said is as though he had just received information I hadn’t given him yet.” She paused. “And you arrived at five past eleven, and you’re moving carefully.”

Jefferson said nothing.

“Are you all right?” Belle asked and was asking, not socially, not performatively, but with the genuine inquiry of someone who wants the accurate answer rather than the comfortable one.

“Yes,” Jefferson said.

“They identified you.”

“Yes.”   “And?”

“And Gold is adjusting the operational plan accordingly.”

Belle looked at him for a moment, and he could see she was doing as she always did: filing and cross-referencing, the kind of assessment that produced accurate conclusions from insufficient data. He could feel it. He had learned, in the last two weeks, what it felt like when Belle was reading him, which was different from what it felt like when Ruby was reading him. Ruby’s reading had a physical quality, something that registered in the body before the mind. Belle’s was purely cognitive, and somehow equally penetrating.

She looked at his jaw, then at his face. She did not mention the jaw.

“The intelligence from this morning,” she said, “Was there any?”

“Yes,” Jefferson said. “It was significant.”

“About the translation.”

Jefferson blinked at her.  “How did you—?”

“Because the timeline accelerating is the consequence of the translation being known.” Belle said. “I broke the third register on Tuesday evening. Gold knew by Tuesday night. The Congregation doesn’t have the translation but they have surveillance on the Order’s personnel and if they’ve been watching Gold’s shop, then know someone has been in and out of it with increasing frequency and urgency since Monday.” She paused. “They know something has happened. They don’t know what. They’re trying to find out.”

Jefferson pursed his lips. “That’s the current assessment. Yes.”

“And this morning was part of that.”

“It was.”

Belle looked at her notes and at the Vessel passage, and its margins in three colors. Jefferson watched her eyes move over the pages.

“Then we should work faster,” she said.

He looked up at her. “Belle—”

“The third register’s operational instructions are explicit,” Belle said. “The three Keepings need to assemble. Ruby’s conversation with Gold was yesterday. The framework is building.” She pinned him to the spot with the intensity of her gaze. “We should work faster.”

He held that gaze for just a moment.

“Yes,” he conceded, “We should.”

Belle pulled another section of the translation toward her, and they kept working.

Jefferson did not tell Belle about the specifics of the confrontation that morning, of what minimum necessary force had felt like to hold to, what the second operative’s silence had told him about the Congregation’s knowledge, what the ache in his right hand represented in terms of what had been required. He didn’t tell her because she did not need the specifics, and because they were, in their operational detail, not Belle’s to carry, but they sat like lead in his gut.

As he was packing up at the end of the session, and putting the Order’s reading materials back into his bag with the usual care, he became aware that Belle was looking at him in the same way she did when something was in the journal.

“Jefferson,” she said softly.

He looked up.

“The Congregation,” she said. “It’s not… impersonal. For you.”

She said it quietly and without elaboration. It wasn’t meant as a question, or a prompt for disclosure, it was simply the accurate naming of something she had read, and was giving back to him in case the act of naming it was useful.

He looked at her for a moment, then swallowed.

“No,” he said. “It isn’t.”

Belle nodded once. She had obviously said what she wanted to say, and had received the confirmation that she needed.  He knew she wouldn’t press further.

She picked up her tea.

“Come back on Monday,” she told him. “There’s more in the translation that the framework will be ready for.”

“Monday,” Jefferson said. “Yes.”

He picked up his bag and walked out of the library into Thursday afternoon thinking about what Belle had asked, no… said, quietly and without elaboration. He thought about how the accurate naming of something from someone who had no reason to know it, and had known anyway had made him feel… connected.  Then he thought about Ruby asking, what do you see when you look at me? and the way he had given her everything.

He thought about, It’s not impersonal and what it would mean to give Belle everything on that specific question.

He decided it could wait.  Some things needed to arrive in their own time. In that moment, he walked.

Gold was in the back room when Jefferson arrived. He had the documents on the table, the same documents, always. The Order’s accumulated record that Gold moved through with the patience of someone for whom the long view was the only view available.

Jefferson sat in the chair that was always drawn slightly out from the table.

He gave Gold the intelligence: The two operatives. The capability assessment. Professional, relay pattern, the Boardwalk Street sightline error that had cost them. The outcome of the confrontation, and then the significant piece: the specific thing the second operative’s silence had told him when he asked the right question.

Gold listened. He did not write anything down.

When Jefferson finished, Gold was quiet for a moment.

“They know the third register has been broken,” he said.

“Yes.”

“Not the content.”

“Not the content. The fact of it.”

“How?”

“Surveillance on the shop,” Jefferson said. “Belle’s frequency of visits. The archive - Archie may have been watched.”

“I’ll speak to Archie,” Gold said. “Yes.”

A pause.

“The timeline,” Jefferson said.

“Has moved,” Gold said. “Yes.” He picked up the pen, set it down. “Belle’s protection needs to increase. Not in a way she’ll find—”

“Intrusive,” Jefferson said.

“She’ll find it intrusive regardless,” Gold said. “But there’s a difference between intrusive and—”

“Suffocating,” Jefferson said.

“Yes.” Gold looked at the table. “She needs to know the intelligence. The urgency of the conversation. Sooner rather than later.”

“She already knows something,” Jefferson said. “She assessed the timeline shift from the working session this morning, before I told her.”

Gold looked at him.

“She told me,” Jefferson said, “that we should work faster.”

Gold remained quiet for a moment then said, “Yes. We should.”

“She’s right.”

“She usually is,” Gold said, his tone not indulgent, simply accurate. The statement of someone who had been in a room with Belle French enough to have formed a reliable view.

Jefferson noted it. He filed it in the folder that had been growing since the two of them met, with information about Gold and Belle that was none of his business, and that he was paying attention to anyway because he was Jefferson, and paying attention was what he did.

“The operatives,” Jefferson said. “They’ll be replaced.”

“Yes,” Gold said, “Likely within forty-eight hours.”

“Better ones.”

“Probably.” Gold agreed. “The Congregation learns from its operational outcomes.”

“So do we.” Jefferson said.

“Yes. So do we.”

Jefferson stood, and put on his coat. He was at the door when Gold said, without looking up from the documents.

“Jefferson.”

He stopped.

“The jaw,” Gold said. “Is it—”

“Fine,” he said. “Two days.”

“Good,” Gold said. A pause, “Well done.”

Jefferson held the doorframe for a moment. The well done sitting in the room the way it had sat in the message, with the weight of something Gold said rarely, and meant completely.

“Yes,” Jefferson said, and left.

The door of the diner opened and Ruby, standing behind the counter was not going to pretend that she hadn’t been watching for him through the window.

He’d come for tea. This was true, and also not the complete truth, and Ruby, whose instincts were honed for exactly that kind of incomplete truth was aware of both things simultaneously.

She poured his tea without being asked, and put it on the counter in front of him. Then she leaned against the counter opposite him. She was not going to make it easy.

“Saturday,” she said. “You don’t usually come in on Saturday.”

“I wanted tea,” Jefferson said.

“You have tea at home.”

“Better tea here.”

Ruby looked at him, giving all of her attention suddenly, without warning.

“Thursday,” she said.

Jefferson picked up his mug. “What about Thursday?”

“Something happened on Thursday,” Ruby said. It was not a question. “Something operational.”

Jefferson drank his tea. “The diner is busy on Saturday mornings.”

“It’s nine fifteen,” Ruby said. “It won’t be busy for another hour.”  She looked at him steadily. “The jaw is better than it was.”

Jefferson froze.

“I saw you on Thursday afternoon,” Ruby said. “Outside the pharmacy. You didn’t see me.”  She paused. “You were moving stiffly and your jaw was—” Another pause. “More than it is now.”

Jefferson set the mug down. He looked at her across the counter and she could tell that he was conducting a rapid assessment and had realized that there was no version of the conversation in which she wouldn’t get an accurate answer from him.

“A tail,” he said. “Thursday morning. Two of them. Professional.”

“Dealt with?” Ruby asked.

“Yes.”

“By you?”

“Yes.”

“And the jaw is the evidence of dealing with.”

“One of them was faster than I thought.” Jefferson said, then shrugged. “I adjusted.”

“But you dealt with it.”

“Yes.”

Ruby fixed her gaze on him. “They’ve identified you.”

“Yes.”

“Which means they know who’s managing Belle’s protection.”

“Yes.”

“Which means—” Ruby stopped. She was doing what she did, her instinct preceding the reason, the conclusion arriving before the reasoning that supported it. “Which means they know the Order has an active operation around Belle. Which they probably already knew, but now they know the personnel.”

“Yes,” Jefferson said, “Gold is adjusting accordingly.”

“More protection for Belle.”

“More protection for Belle.” Jefferson agreed.

Ruby took this in. She was quiet for a moment, more than the conversational quiet of someone waiting to speak, but the kind of quiet she fell into when her mind moved through the implications and had started mapping them.

“Were they—” She started, but stopped.

Jefferson looked at her, patient, encouraging.

“Were they the same organization,” she said carefully, “as the people who—”

She didn’t finish the sentence. She didn’t need to. She could see he understood what she was asking: whether the two professionals on Thursday morning were connected to the organization that had taken his wife. The specific question she asked carefully because she had the instinct for when a question carried something heavier than its words.

Jefferson looked at his tea.

“Yes,” he said. “The same organization.”

Ruby was quiet.

“That’s why it’s not impersonal,” she said.

Jefferson looked up at her.

“Belle,” she said. “When she came here Thursday evening. She said you’d had a difficult morning, and that it wasn’t impersonal for you.”  She paused. “That’s all. She didn’t tell me more than that. She said it was yours to tell.”

Jefferson held her gaze for a moment. The awareness of Belle having named the thing accurately and then left it for him, that she knew where the lines were and was staying on the correct side of them was underlined in the look Ruby had in her eyes.

“Yes,” he said. “It isn’t impersonal.”

“The… minimum necessary force,” Ruby said. “Was it harder than usual?”

He looked at her for a long moment. Closed his eyes and thought he spoke the word, “Yes,” but could never be certain that it left his lips after all until she spoke again.

“But you held to it.”

“I held.” He opened his eyes.

Ruby nodded, and he could see that she had already partly assembled the information; fitted it into the shape that the instinct had prepared for it.

She topped up his tea without being asked.

“Grace is coming next weekend,” Jefferson said before he had even decided to tell her. It happened often when he was in proximity to Ruby, and the management was slightly lower than usual.

She looked at him.

“I arranged it on Thursday afternoon,” he said. “After.”

“After,” Ruby echoed.

“Yes.”

She looked at him with an expression he was beginning to recognize, the one that was several things simultaneously, which none of them required elaboration.

“Good,” she said simply.

“Yes.” Jefferson said.

They were quiet for a moment, staring to register the diner around them doing its Saturday morning business as customers began to filter in. The ordinary, Storybrooke weekend coming to life around them.

“Ruby,” Jefferson said.

“Mmm?”

“Thursday morning—” he stopped. “When it’s the same organization— When it’s—” he stopped again. He was doing what he rarely did and choosing words for something personal, rather than something operational, which required a different kind of precision and a different kind of willingness.

“When it’s personal,” Jefferson said. “The minimum necessary force is—”

“Harder,” Ruby said.

“Yes.”

“Because they took something.”

“Yes.”

“And the minimum necessary force feels like—”

“Like an inadequate response,” Jefferson said, “to what was taken.”

Ruby looked at him. He could see,  in her full attention, that information processing with the accuracy of someone who always reads things correctly.

“But you hold to it anyway,” she said.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Jefferson looked at his tea. “Because what was taken,” he said, “doesn’t get returned by what I do to the people who took it. And because—” he stopped. “Because minimum necessary force is what the Order Sanctions, and the Order’s sanction exists for a reason.”

“Because Gold decided it,” Ruby said.

“Because Gold decided it,” Jefferson agreed, “And Gold’s decisions are—” he paused. “Usually right. Even when they’re difficult.”

Ruby looked at him steadily. “Usually,” she said.

“Usually,” he confirmed. “Yes.”

The exchange, the acknowledgment that Gold was not infallible, that Jefferson’s compliance with the Order’s methodology was principled rather than reflexive, and that minimum necessary force was a choice Jefferson made rather than a constraint imposed, sat between them as its own piece of honest territory.

Ruby nodded slowly.

“She would have wanted you to hold to it,” she said.

Jefferson went very still.

“Priscilla,” Ruby said quietly. “She would have wanted you to hold to it.”

Jefferson looked at her.

He did not ask how she knew the name. He understood, from the specific quality of Ruby’s perception, that the name had arrived the way things always arrived for Ruby - from somewhere below the register of normal observation; from the years of instinct that preceded reason. The name had come to her and she had trusted it, and she had given it to him.

He held it for a moment.

“Yes,” he said, very quietly. “She would have.”

Ruby said nothing.  She did not offer him comfort, and she did not look away. She simply remained present with her full attention and let the moment be what it was.

After a moment, Jefferson picked up his tea. He drank it, and set the mug down.

“Grace would like to visit the diner,” he said. “Next weekend.”

Ruby looked at him with an expression that was several things all at once.

“Tell her we have the best hot chocolate in Storybrooke,” she said.

“Is that true?”

“It is now,” Ruby said.

He continued to look at her for a moment.

“Thank you,” he said.

Ruby shrugged. He felt she was deflecting something she had received and didn’t know what to do with yet. “It’s hot chocolate,” she said. “Don’t make it significant.”

“It is significant,” Jefferson said.

“Jefferson.” 

“Ruby.”

She pointed at him. “Don’t.”

He almost smiled, knowing that she was learning to read it as its own specific language, and was the compressed version of something that would be, in a person less carefully managed, a full expression.

“All right,” he said.

“Good,” she said, and moved away down the counter to attend to the Saturday morning customers who were beginning to arrive in earnest.

Jefferson sat with his tea.

He thought about minimum necessary force and what it had cost him to hold to it when the opposition was personal. He thought about Grace’s visit next weekend and the hot chocolate that was now the best in Storybrooke. He thought about she would have wanted you to hold to it, and to the name arriving in Ruby’s mouth from somewhere below the register of normal observation.

He thought about it’s not impersonal for you, said by Belle in a university library on Thursday afternoon, quietly and without elaboration, and then left for him to carry without pressing further.

Two different people; different methods. The same quality of seeing accurately and knowing what to do with what they saw.

He finished his tea.

He put money on the counter.

The shop was old, but not in the way of buildings that had been standing for a long time. Its ‘oldness’ was different, historical, layered.  It held the quality of a space that had taken in a great deal across its duration and retained it. The objects on the shelves were not only antique. They were present in a way she couldn’t describe. Some of the objects were more present than others, and some of them barely registered, but one of them, and she turned her head slightly toward the middle of the room without intending to, pulled at her attention in a way she recognized, but also couldn’t name.  She shook her head. She wouldn’t pursue it, not right now. She was there for a different reason.

Beside her, Granny took in the shop in the way that someone would who had been expecting something, and found their expectations met.

“Hmm,” Granny said. Which, in Granny’s vocabulary, covered a quite significant range of possibilities.

Footsteps from the back room, the tap and the step, drew Ruby’s attention. Belle had told her about the cane when she had described the shop in considerable detail, and though Ruby already knew about it, she had filed it to add to what she already knew. Hearing it like this was different from simply knowing.

Gold appeared in the doorway between the back room and the shop.

He looked at Ruby.

Ruby looked at him.

Then, she did what she always did when she looked at people who mattered and regarded him with the kind of seeing that happened beneath normal observation. She received, in the first five seconds of looking at Mister Gold, more information than most people received in hours.

She received something very old. Not the way Jefferson was old. Jefferson’s oldness had the quality of someone reorganized by long, difficult work. Gold’s oldness was different, deeper. It was historical in a way that made the word feel insufficient. Gold had the quality of someone who had been in the world for long enough that the world had shaped itself around them in certain respects, rather than the other way around.

She received something held. Not carried the way Jefferson carried things. Jefferson’s carrying was active, something that was managed daily. Gold’s was structural. It was something that had been held for so long it was no longer distinguishable from the very architecture of his being.

She felt that he, in turn, was watching her  as if he knew what he were going to find, and was finding it anyway, because knowing and finding were different things, and Gold, she understood immediately, never confused them.

She held his gaze.

He held hers.

“Miss Lucas,” he said.

“Mister Gold,” Ruby said.

Then Gold looked at Granny.

Something passed between them in that look. The kind of look that passes between two people who have had an arrangement for a long time and who both knew that arrangement was about to change.

“Lucas,” Gold said.

“Gold,” Granny said with the economy of someone who had been on name-without-titles terms with this man for long time, and was not going to pretend otherwise for Ruby’s benefit.

Ruby looked at her grandmother, then at Gold, taking in the exchange without commenting on it.  There would be time for that later.

“Come through,” Gold said.

Ruby took in the back room, lit by the lamp that stood on the table beside three chairs that were drawn out. Ruby noted this, the three chair, prepared for their meeting Gold had shaped in advance. The chairs were arranged, not in the configuration of someone behind and desk with others across from it, but as three points of a rough triangle. There was no hierarchy implied by the geometry.  Ruby noted this too.

She sat. Granny sat, and then Gold sat, and the lamp cast its amber light across all three of them equally.

Ruby looked across to Gold.

“You’ve known about me for a long time,” she said.

“Yes,” Gold answered.

“How long?”

“Since before you were born,” Gold said.  “I knew about your mother.  I knew what she carried.  I knew, when she was gone, that it would pass to you.”

Ruby frowned. “You knew before I did.”

“Yes.”

“You knew when I was fourteen,” she said. “When things started.”

“Yes.”

“And you left me alone.”

“Yes.”

Ruby held his gaze steadily. “Why?”

“Because knowing, and being ready are different things,” he said. “You weren’t ready at fourteen. The information without the readiness does more harm than the carrying alone.”

“That sounds like something someone says to justify a decision they made on someone else’s behalf.” Ruby accused.

“Yes, it does.” Gold said, then paused. “It’s also what I believe to be true.”

“What you believe,” Ruby said, folding her arms. “But not what I would have chosen.”

“No,” Gold said, “Not what you would have chosen. You didn’t have the choice.”  He said it without deflection or apology. He was not dismissive either. He simply gave her an accurate statement of what had happened.  She hadn’t been consulted. He had made a decision about her life based on his assessment of what was best for her. He was obviously not going to pretend otherwise.

Ruby realized she had expected one of two things: either the defensive justification of someone who knew they had overstepped and was managing it, or the complete absence of acknowledgment from someone who didn’t believe they had anything to answer for.  That Gold was doing neither, but was sitting with the accurate statement of what had happened and offering it to her without dressing it up, did not resolve the question of whether he had been right. It did change Ruby’s assessment of the conversation though.

“Granny knew,” Ruby said.

“Yes.”

“You told her.”

Gold shook his head. “She told me. She told me about your mother. I already knew, in the general sense, the Order’s awareness of what your family carried. She told me the specifics. We made an arrangement.”

Ruby looked at Granny.

Granny met the look with the composure of someone who had been preparing for this moment for over twenty years and still felt that was not long enough.

“The arrangement,” Ruby said, still looking at Granny.

“I would tell him enough,” Granny said, “to know how to protect you. To keep certain… interested parties from taking an interest in you before you were ready. He would leave the rest to me.”

“The rest being everything I didn’t know.” Ruby said.

Granny nodded. “Yes.”

The kitchen, Monday night, Ruby thought.  Jefferson had talked about someone whose situation the Order was aware of and had decided to leave undisturbed. She had understood, even then, that the ‘leaving-undisturbed’ was a choice made by other people about her life.  She had accepted Jefferson’s deflection because it was late, and she was processing other things, and because Jefferson had struck her as someone she was going to need to sit with rather than argue with.

She had not accepted it. She had deferred it.  She was not deferring now.

“Granny,” she said.

“Ruby.”

“I’m not angry,” Ruby said. “I want you to know that I’m not angry with you.”

“I know,” Granny said and the weight of those two words came from knowing Ruby her entire life.

“But I need to hear it. All of it.” Ruby said, “From you, not… not from him. From you. Later.”

“Yes,” Granny agreed. “Later.”

Ruby turned back to Gold then.

“All right,” she said. “Tell me what I am.”

He did.

He told her in the way he always told things, in the careful, framework-building way of someone who understood that information without architecture was less useful than a smaller amount of information properly placed. He began with what Ruby already knew: The instincts, the perception, the capability that exceeded what she had been told was possible, and built outwards from there.

He looked at her for a moment, and Ruby wondered if he was selecting the correct starting point for something that had several, and for which the correct one mattered.

“Your family,” he said, “has been known to the Order for a long time. Not your immediate family, further back than that. Several generations further.”

Ruby said nothing. She was listening in the way she did to things that mattered and required all the attention she had.

Gold continued. “What you carry is not random. It is not illness, nor, as I suspect you have sometimes wondered, is anything wrong with you.”

Ruby stiffened.

“It is an inheritance. Something specific and old that has been passing through your family line for longer than the Order’s records go back. We have documentation of it in your great-grandmother’s generation. We believe it predates that considerably.”

“What is it,” Ruby asked, “specifically.”

“The perception: the instinct that arrives before the reasoning. The capability that exceeds what normal human parameters allow.” He paused. “In your great-grandmother’s case, it manifested primarily as the perception. She was, by all accounts, extraordinarily difficult to deceive, and extraordinarily accurate in her assessments of people and situations.”

“Granny.” Ruby said quietly.

“Yes,” Gold confirmed. “In a different way. Less acute than yours, or less fully developed, or both.”

“And my mother?”

Gold paused. “In your mother’s case, the physical dimension was more prominent. The capability that exceeds normal human parameters - what you experience as the healing, the strength, the speed.”

Ruby looked at her hands, looking in the way that said she had been not looking at for a long time.

“I’ve been healing faster than I should since I was sixteen,” she said. “I had a bad fall at work.  It should have… the doctor said it should have taken weeks to heal. It was three days.”

“Yes,” Gold said, nodding. “We have records of similar incidents in your mother’s history.”

Ruby looked up sharply. “You have records.”

“The Order maintains records of the families it monitors,” Gold said. “Yours is one of them.”

“Monitors,” Ruby echoed flatly.

“Watches over,” Gold said. “From a distance, without intervention.”

“Is there a difference?”

“There is,” he said. “Though I understand why it might not feel like one.”

Ruby looked at him steadily. He did not look away.

“The physical capability,” she said. “The healing. The… other things.” She paused. “I’ve been careful, my whole life, not to— There have been situations where I could have done something I didn’t do because I didn’t know how to account for it afterwards.”

“Yes, I know.”

“The bar fight two years ago,” Ruby continued. “Three men. I was on my own.”

“Yes.”

“I could have—” She stopped. “I walked away.”

“Yes,” Gold said. “You made the correct assessment.”

“I made the only assessment that didn’t end with me trying to explain something I couldn’t explain.” Ruby corrected him. Even to herself she though she sounded as though there was something in her voice. Not bitterness exactly, but the kind of exhaustion someone held who has been making that calculation for a very long time. “That’s not the same as the correct one.”

Gold looked at her for a moment, taking her in. “No. It isn’t.”

His acknowledgment landed simply. Ruby received it without commenting on it.  Instead she said, “The instinct. The knowing before I should know.” She paused. “Is that the same thing? The same inheritance?”

“Related,” Gold said. “The Order’s understanding is that what your family carries has several… expressions. The physical capability is one; the perceptual capability is another. In some generations one is more prominent. In others, in yours—”

“Both,” Ruby said.

“Both,” Gold confirmed. “Which is not unprecedented in the Order’s records, but uncommon.”

Ruby tried to absorb that, “Why uncommon.”

“The two capabilities are demanding individually. Together, they require a significant management overhead.”

“Is that what I’ve been doing,” Ruby asked. “Managing overhead.”

“Yes. For sixteen years with considerable skill given the absence of any framework or support.”

Ruby looked at him. She found not condescension, not the performed admiration of someone that was trying to flatter her into compliance, but simply the accurate assessment of someone who had been watching from a distance for many years and had a genuinely informed view.

“My mother,” she began, “did she manage it?”

“For a time.” Gold said carefully. “The circumstances of her situation were more difficult than yours. She was younger when the physical dimension manifested. The perceptual capability arrived simultaneously rather than sequentially, and she didn’t have—” He paused, and seemed to be choosing his next words precisely. “She didn’t have someone beside her who knew.”

“The way Granny was beside me.”

“Yes.”

“Granny knew about my mother before it—”

“Yes,” Gold said. “She knew.”

“And she couldn’t—”

“She did everything that was possible,” Gold said. “The rest was beyond what was possible.” He paused again. “This is part of the conversation that belongs to your grandmother, not to me.”

Ruby nodded, understanding that he was not deflecting. He was drawing a line that was about what was his to give and what wasn’t, the same line he drew about the inscription and Belle. She understood this because she had, in the last week, become familiar with lines being drawn.

“All right,” she said, then was silent for a long time before she spoke again.

“The thing in the bar,” she said. “Friday night, the girls night out.  The man at the back.”

“Yes?”

“I felt something. I couldn’t identify it. I didn’t tell Belle.”

“No. You didn’t.”

“Was it—” She stopped, then began again, “Was it connected to this? To what I carry? Or was it just—?”

“It was connected,” Gold said. “The perceptual capability responds to… certain kinds of presences. Certain qualities in people or situations that register below what people normally perceive.” He paused. “What was in the bar that night registered as a threat. Your instinct was correct.”

“It was theirs,” Ruby said. “The other organization.”

“Yes.”

Ruby considered that for a moment. All her years of instincts she had been careful to follow without being able to explain why.  The bar. Edinburgh from a single breath of Jefferson across her kitchen table. The something in the man that was watching her in turn. She thought about all the times she had made the correct assessment and called it something else because she had no other name for it.

“You said,” she told Gold, “that acknowledging what I carry makes it more useful than managing it.”

“Yes.”

“For the situation.”

“For the situation,” Gold said, “and for you. The two aren’t in opposition.”

Ruby tipped her head as she looked at him. “Most people who tell me something is for my benefit are usually not telling me it’s for theirs.”

“Yes they are,” Gold agreed. “In this case both things are true.”

“Both things can be true,” Ruby said.

Something Ruby saw in Gold’s expression, brief, like someone hearing a phrase they associated with a particular person in a specific context and finding it came unexpectedly from someone else.

“Yes,” he said at last. “Both things can be true.”

Ruby held his gaze for a moment longer, then she nodded, receiving what was given, and ready to take it away and sit with it to see what she made of it in her own time.

“Belle will tell me the rest,” she said.

“When she’s ready,” Gold said, “yes.”

“Soon.”

“I’ll speak with her.”

“Good.” Ruby said.  She frowned then, as if a thought had just occurred to her. Gold waited.

“Was it,” Ruby asked. “In my mother’s case, if someone had told her - given her the framework, would it have—”

“I don’t know,” Gold said. Those three words, different from the deflections she had been receiving her whole life, someone saying I don’t know as the honest answer to a question they had asked themselves many times, without being able to answer, moved Ruby to a level of understanding more acute than before.

“That’s the thing you find most difficult,” she said, “isn’t it.  Not knowing whether it would have made a difference.”

Something moved in Gold’s expression. Quickly, gone almost before she could fully read it, but present.

“Yes,” he answered quietly.

She took in his acknowledgment - small, controlled and real, and let it sit in the room between them.  She admitted to herself that she had not expected Gold to be capable of being so honest, and she revised her assessment of him considerably.

“Granny,” she said,  “Give us a minute.”

Granny looked at her. She could tell that she was trying to figure out if it was a good idea.

Then Granny stood, with unhurried dignity, the way Granny did everything, and said to Gold, “I’ll be in the front.”

“Of course,” Gold answered.

Granny left, and the back room settled into the atmosphere of two people, meeting alone in it for the first time and the two looked at each other.

“Jefferson told me that you protect what the Keeping requires.”

“Jefferson told you correctly.”

“And that sometimes that means leaving things undisturbed.”

“Yes.”

“He made it sound principled,” Ruby said. “I told him it also sounded convenient.”

“Yes, he mentioned that.”

Something in their exchanged, their shared awareness of the Jefferson-mediated conversation at the kitchen table, adjusted the atmosphere between them, not to warmth exactly, but the beginning of a working understanding.

“I’m not joining The Order,” Ruby told him and Gold looked up at her. “I want to be clear about that,” she continued. “Whatever you’re about to ask me, I’m not joining. I don’t take oaths to organizations I wasn’t consulted about before my birth.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to,” Gold said.

“Then what are you asking?”

Gold was quiet for a moment. He reached out to the table and picked up the pen that was resting there, beside some photographs and papers.  He held it, rather than used it, before he set it down again.

“The situation requites three Keepings to assemble. The inscription’s operational instructions are explicit on that point. Belle has read them and will tell you more about the specific theology than I will, because it belongs to her domain, and I won’t preempt it.” He paused. “What I’m asking is not for your allegiance. I’m asking whether you’re willing to be present for what’s coming. For Belle. For what the inscription says needs to happen.”

“For Belle,” Ruby said. “I’m already present for Belle. I don’t need the inscription to tell me that.”

“No.” Gold almost smiled. “You don’t.”

“Then what do you need from me that you don’t already have?”

Gold looked at her steadily before he began to speak.

“Your acknowledgment of what you are. Not to me. I know what you are. To yourself.” He paused again. “You have been managing and minimizing what you carry for sixteen year, perhaps longer. I’m asking you to stop. Not for the Order’s benefit, but for yours.”

Ruby looked at him.

“Because,” he continued, “what you carry is not a liability to be managed. It is a capability that the situation  requires, and capabilities that are managed and minimized are considerably less useful than capabilities that are… acknowledged.”

“You’re asking me to stop hiding,” Ruby translated.

“I’m asking you to stop pretending that what you are is something other than what you are,” he corrected.

“That’s easy for you to say,” Ruby accused. “You’ve had—” She paused. “You’ve had long enough to make your peace with what you are.”

“Yes, I have,”  Gold agreed. “It took longer than it should have.”

The fact of his admission, offered without being asked for, brought its own piece of gravitas to their honest exchange. She looked at him for a long moment.

“Sixteen years is a long time to carry something alone,” she said.

“It is.”

“Jefferson said something similar,” Ruby said, “about eight years.”

Gold sighed, and something in his expression told her that this was not new information to him, and that the four years had its own weight in this room that she was not going to press on. Not at that moment.

“That not-being-alone,” Ruby said. “Is that what you’re offering? A community of— whatever we are?”

“A framework,” Gold said. “For understanding what you are. A context. People who know what you carry and don’t require you to minimize or explain it.” He paused. “Whether that constitutes community I will leave to your assessment.”

Ruby looked around the back room, at the lamp, the shelves, the documents on the table. She knew the place had absorbed a great deal across its duration, and it made her think about the sixteen years, the dry cleaner named without being able to explain why; about quite a lot said to Jefferson across her kitchen table at midnight and the way it was received without performance. 

She thought about Belle, who had said nothing about this changed anything that matters with the completeness of someone who meant every word, standing in the street at dusk.

She thought about her mother.

She thought about the knowing, and the being-ready are different things and whether she was ready, and whether she had any choice about being ready regardless.

“All right,” she said.

Gold looked at her.

“Not all right to The Order,” she said. “All right to the framework. All right to the acknowledging.” She held his gaze. “All right to being present for what is coming.”

“Yes,” Gold said. “That’s what I was asking.”

“And the other thing,” Ruby said. “The thing Belle will tell me. Whatever the inscription says about what I carry.”

“When she’s ready to tell you,” Gold said, “Yes.”

Ruby nodded, closing one chapter and opening the next.  She did not have the resolution of everything, nor the end of her questions, but the acknowledgment that the next thing was beginning - that she had.

She stood.

“I want you to know that I’m going to be difficult,” she said.

Gold looked up at her. Something in his expression was the closest she had yet seen him come to something that was not composed management.

“Yes,” he said. “I know.”

“Jefferson warned you.”

“Jefferson has a gift for accurate assessment,” Gold said.

Ruby looked at him for a moment, and raised an eyebrow. “Was that a compliment?”

“It was an observation,” Gold said. “Whether it constitutes a compliment depends on your assessment of the value of accurate assessment.”

Ruby considered that. “I’ll take it as one,” she said.

“As you wish,” Gold said.

Ruby moved toward the door. She paused at the threshold between the back room and the shop. In the doorway, the place where Gold delivered most significant things - she knew this somehow - and turned back.

“The arrangement with Granny,” she said.

“Yes?”

“It’s still in effect?”

“A revised version,” Gold said, “would seem appropriate given the changed circumstances.”

“I’d like to know the terms,” Ruby said. “Whatever the arrangement is, going forward, I’d like to know what’s been agreed about me.”

“That’s fair,” Gold said.

“All of it,” Ruby insisted. “Not just the parts you decide are relevant to me. All of it.”

Gold held her gaze for a moment, then gave the slightest inclination of his head. Belle had described to her the way the concession cost something and was therefore worth more than a large gesture would have been.

“All of it,” he said at last.

“Good,” she said, and left the back room.

She went through the shop, but paused, without fully stopping, beside a shelf where a cup sat. She looked at it for a fraction of a second. It was not long enough to constitute a stop, but long enough to register a strangeness in it, the pull of it and the feeling it produced in her that she did not yet have the language for.

She kept walking to where Granny was waiting with the composure of someone who had been in difficult rooms for a long time and had made her peace with the waiting.

“Ready?” Granny asked.

“No,” Ruby said. “But we’re going anyway.”

 Granny looked at Ruby with the expression that many years of managing that attitude had not made simpler.

“Later,” Ruby said, “When we get home, you’re going to tell me everything.”

“Yes,” Granny said. “I am.”

She opened the door and ushered Ruby away.

Gold remained still, long after the bell above the door announced their departure.

He sat within reach of the table, and the lamp, and the pen he had picked up and set down once during the conversation and thought about everything Ruby had said that had been meant neither as comfort, nor challenge, but as a statement of fact about herself that also happened to be a statement of fact about him. She had offered it without performance or projection.

He wondered about the eight years, and what Ruby knew about them, and how she had know it - what it meant that she had offered it in this room without being asked.

He thought about the significance of her saying I’ll take it as one regarding the compliment that was not, technically, a compliment, and the dry precision of the exchange.

And he thought about the cup, that he knew Ruby had paused beside without stopping fully.  Just a fraction of a second… and the recognition in it.

He reached out and picked up the pen.

He did not write anything, but he held it for a long time as he thought, It might be different now.