letters to who

we have all wanted to not exist at some point.

it’s out of your budget, it’s not overpriced.

my midnight prayers are often about people i love and miss. my mama who cooked me breakfasts and is turning fifty this year. my sisters who i used to share rooms, clothes, showers, and occassional rants with and hugged every night in our sleep. my papa who fetched me with his motorcycle from elementary to college and sometimes tried to wake me up early to eat at dunkin. my lola who tried to treat us to fastfoods and shopping when she can and who sewed my high school uniform skirt. my lolo who always tried to sit down with us and give us life advice. my titas who treated us like sisters and daughters at the same time. my cousins whom i played with or made cry when i was bored. my titos who gave us little things like some twenties for school baon or a tennis ball to play with. my friends whom i shared a lot of fun with. my boyfriend who hugged me when i cried and laughs at silly things with me. even family members of my best friends who know me by name and let me in their homes. i know things are a lot different now, and we are all not as young as we used to be. and we are far from each other and we don't see each other in person now. we rarely call or message each other. but i pray for all of you each and every night. that some part of you remembers little things with me and smiles. that you are happy with where you are, who you are with, what you are doing and that you are healthy, and always loved. and that i may see you again soon, talk to you, or give you a hug.

it's really all about how you work with each other's scars. we are all pained and a little damaged inside. we all carry heavy histories, present baggages, worries of the future. these are things that we cannot see in each other and that we have to feel deeply in order to understand. it isn't about being the one with the heaviest baggage. it's about being empathetic and sensitive towards the fact that we all carry a little weight. so when someone acts a little nasty, cold, angry, or irrational, sometimes we have to give them a pass. cut them some slack. because they are seeing a lot in their world that we aren’t, and behind a composed exterior, chaos and confusion lie beneath. if they want space, give it. if they beg for mercy, be generous with it. everyone deserves a break.

when things get rough, sometimes i think, "is it all going downhill from here?" i get so desperate that i want to cry and just go home. maybe this isn't for me anymore. maybe i'm not built for 'strong and independent'. maybe i'm just extremely stubborn and dense. insensitive to the fact that this place is trying its best to barf me up. but then, a part of me starts saying, "just work harder. try again. try every day until it's over. keep pushing. this will pass, keep your faith. you will get there soon, just like you always do." and i'm not sure if that part of me is stubborn or resilient, or both. but it sure does help me get through. so i move, move, move. i sit and weep. i take my rest, get some sleep. i face another day and try until i get to where im heading someday.

don't worry, better days are ahead. and the difference it has from the thousands of better days promised to you before is that these now are actually visible. you can see them happening, you can feel them unfolding. things will get better. they always did. even when you didn't see them getting better, they did. how much more now that you're on the road. so keep the faith, keep pushing, and thriving. you will get there.

you can't always antagonize what you hate.

i hear my name roll under your breath and i melt every time. why are you so far away, baby? i want you curled up with me as we sleep, i want to feel your lips so much. sometimes the distance is really tough and hearing your voice makes me feel alive and tears me up at the same time. but you fuel my dream and the thought of being with you again someday makes me want to push forward everyday. i love you, baby. see you soon. 💕

i realized that i am a little astray from being humble and thats what brings me a lot of anxiety. tonight as i was praying, i got lost in the thought of death and i asked God, "Lord, why can't we be immortal?" and the more prideful i am, the more i will be afraid. because i will always fear losing people, things, progress and all others. but maybe, if i were a little humbler, i would be more accepting of the natural flow of life - that people live and die and everything between that is a journey we should be always happy and thankful for. we are only loaned this life, that is a fact. we can lose anything and anyone at any given time and we do not get a say about it because thats just how life is. and that is okay. nothing is ever ours to keep in this world and that is also okay. what matters is that we make the most of this journey while we are here because we never know what is after this life. we will never know. and that is also okay. we just have to live as happily, lovingly, and peacefully as we can and be thankful for the chance to live, experience, feel, and love while we are here and surrender everything else that we don't know and we can't control to God. we can only be kind and try to do good every day and hope that when we are gone, people will be able to benefit of our existence. and if not, that is also okay. just do what you can and surrender what you can't. not everything is meant to be understood, sometimes things just have to be accepted. and that's okay.