i guess this is the first time that im using my mac bp tumblr-ing.
Okay well but this is besides the point..
Me visiting my tumblr after such a long time, yes i felt something so much that i would like to talk about it here. I wanna to talk about self-worth. Lately i have been feeling low about me being a person and me letting my work define my worth as a person.
I know i know and i have been working on my loa properly. But it seems to me that i actually felt worse about it. It is obviously my subconscious bad mouthing me.
Earlier today i had so much trouble to face people (ie. juniors and lecturers esp) I didnt like the feeling of being in school. I didnt like the fact people think- why this girl dont know how to use camera still borrow for what. But i mean like how the hell would i even know what they were thinking. No scientific proof but just be being a very sensitive woman.
I knew clearly everyone have a point where they are still learning. However i felt so embarrassed about where im coming from. “At least i took the courage to step forward and learn.” isnt a good way to make me feel better and i was just wallowing in self pity. So blinded
I am so sick of letting circumstance and my work define my worth.
Awhile ago i met a lecture from the school (well not from my ou school) and after speaking to her she told me that i had good communication skills. I was like Oh really?
She may not know how much it meant to me.. But it was so assuring that it liften my mood. Someone a stranger saw the worth in me that i was too blinded to see. I honestly knew that presentation or consultation with anyone else in this school would make my legs jelly. I become 101 times less vocal and less confidence. But for any other stranger or customer at work, I am sure i can do better.
She also told me that i should consider customer service sector. Yes i was just considering or more like subconsciously having that though. And plus, Mum was telling about my little aunt’s job.. sth related to that sector. I kind of felt that i will be happy there then in this industry. Sometimes i just wonder is it me imaging people being judgemental or are they really are.
I guess my plan would be to work extra hard for now and that will be my back up plan.
I really dont want to escape but then again why stay when you dont enjoy and cant even be happy? I just feel so sick and tired to be hiding in my hole feeling this way.
Yes i know its just my thought. I do wanna learn design and improve of course. Its just that school scares me a lot, still.
I shall just keep calm and do my thing. Be it LOA, affirmations, gratitude or my new form of meditation. I will practice them and constantly remind myself that i am more worth than this.
Bestie also says that “ Dont change so that people like you. Be yourself and the right people will come and love you.”
Yep thats true. Lecturers may be bias to me (At least my own assumptions) but i know that it dont matter as long as i dont continue to wallow in self pity
Cheers to a better 2016. Everyday things are getting better. All is well
