EDZEL JOHN

USA 🇺🇸 or UAE 🇦🇪? These are the thoughts that my mind keeps on asking. I really don't know what to do after graduation. There are a lot of opportunities especially abroad. USA, UAE, definitely great places to work but I am depicting myself on those place. Can I just live in US and work in UAE?! How I wish that'll be so easy.

When you want to give up but everybody's trust is in you. So definitely I should be strong! 😂

Another day, another loaded day of work! First day of our graduation practice and sadly, I've been elected as our Alumni President for the Class 2016-2017. Okay this isn't an easy job, I need to make proposals so quick but Still sick and still freakin out. Freaking done with all my work but my heart still beats fast as I'm thinking of the outcome tomorrow. Well, I always think positively just for the sake of the happiness of my handed people. Tomorrow is another day! I'll hold my head up and reach the stars. It's time to sleep, it's time to wander. Good night!

I am at one corner of my room Sitting on the wooden floor hugging my pillow for comfort. As I lay on my bed looking at the ceiling, I'm hoping for a hand to grab me. When I get up, I look at my reflection staring right at me, but I didn't look at myself. I was watching the water escaping from my eyes, running down my cheeks. Every part of my room has heard my bawl. The floor, the bed, my pillows have felt the cold drop of every tear. The ceiling, pictures, stuffed toys. All have seen me bite my lip as I weep and all knew I was trying not to scream. I was trying to minimize the noise from my cries, because I was afraid someone might hear. No one knew how unhappy I am. For me, it's actually better this way. It's actually better to hide this pain. I know I'm not the only one who's hurting. I know there are also others who chose to keep their problems inside a closed box in their heart rather than opening up to someone. It's already tiring to share it with someone who you knew just talk behind your back and laugh at you. I'm already tired of trying to save myself. Trying to swim to the shore while the waves pull me back to the sea of suffering. I'm tired of trying. It's just tiresome to open up— to answer their questions, and to try to find the right words in order for them to understand when I can't even explain it to myself. Why am I hurt? Hoping to find the root, I search every part of me— my heart and my mind which contain all my horrible thoughts and memories. As I went through these parts, I remember. It flashed a scene in my head, a scene I wish I could permanently delete from my life. It was the time I lost a battle. Red lines drawn by a silver sharp object. It hurt as I force it into my skin, but I continued. I continued to inflict pain to myself. Blood seeped through every slice, but I craved for the pain. Now the question changes. Why am I hurting myself? The scene rewinds, now in slow motion. And in every slit there I found my reasons. "I'm just a waste of space, a waste of time and effort." "I don't deserve to be here." "Others would do better if I didn't exist." "I'm nothing but a problem." All the hurtful words weren't even from enemies. I said those to myself out of Worthlessness. Self harm isn't just doing drugs or drinking harmful substances. Self harm is not just slashes on the skin or bringing physical pain to oneself. It can also be the horrible words people tell themselves. Ugly. No talent. No dreams. Dumb. Never enough. I've scarred my skin by that thing I was holding. I've scarred my heart by the words I unleashed. I've scarred my soul. Why do I keep on hurting myself? Well, they say "You don't destroy the person you love." And that's it. I keep on destroying my whole being, because I don't love it. I am not someone who can be loved. My dream is to escape this hatred I have on myself. But for now, I have to endure the pain. I have to try living this life to the fullest. I have to try dreaming. I have to try not to care for the people who bring me down And I just hope, I won't come to a point where I'll give up and say I'm over. -EDZEL JOHN RAPOSAS👁

NEW YORK CITY! Really miss the big apple. See you next year. ❤️😊🇺🇸🗽

Life is like an accelerometer, when you speed up, it goes down, when you slow down, it also goes down. It may be a jejune idea but with a very profound meaning. You are now thinking if what's the connection of life to that instrument. So here it is... Life is confusing, there were lots of times that you know you did your best, you speed up, but it doesn't mean that's it. There were also times that you're making it perfect, so you slow down, but it doesn't mean that's worthy. We are born not to be perfect, I guess, but we are born to judge and to be judge. You don't know the expectation of your world, you don't know how people can treat you. A.C.C.E.L.E.R.O.M.E.T.E.R, it is one of the most important gauge in a Car. That's how important life was too. People should learn that like a car speed, it's better to be on the average than overspeeding and on a very slow speed. Life should be in 60-100 KM/ HR. It was like the average kind of life. You are thinking that why wouldn't you make your life best than average I know. This is my response. Having a best life can make you expect more and more everyday. That can be a way to depression. Best life is impossible, and your expectation can kill you. That can answer why you shouldn't be at the best. Take time to accept that you should always be average. That can make you learn to love life.

HAPPY MILK TEA 😊

TRIPLETS. 😂👑💕

School Tour Guides. 😘😁😊👑

Mah beautiful Ms. JIB's @rtquizon @charlenemaayy 😘💞😊

Being crowned as Mr. Joji Ilagan International School HTM 2015 is beyond amazing. I am beyond thankful to everyone who stood by me all throughout this journey. I am Edzel John Raposas, forever and will always be your Mr. JIB-IS 2015. 😊👑👑👑👑

Fireworks for the first time 🎆😊 HAPPY iEXCEL 2016! 😊🎆😁 #iExcel2016

Will be back very soon. CONCHOS. ❤🍴🍴 (at Concho's Resto Lilac St Marikina)

MNL ✈❤😊 (at Smart Araneta Coliseum)

We came out and saw this. We claim it. Thank you Lord. #InGodWeTrust 🙏🙇❤💪 (at Ermita, Manila)