thoughts from the bottom

For about a week I've felt very alone in the world. Not a romantic lonely or being physically isolated but a true blue sense of foreboding loneliness. It settles in every night when I rest my head on the pillow and it burrows deep into my brain like an electric drill. I try and hush it and stamp it out but it doesn't leave until I get so tired I can't hold my eyes open. I really just want to feel like I'm not alone. That's all I want. I think that's what all of us want really.

I want to say it was August when M cut ties with me and as I sit here sad that I'm not sharing this night together with them I can't help but feel a little lonely. True it was entirely my doing but that makes my sadness no less real. I'd kill to just message them happy new year but I am blocked so I'll settle for this. The worst part is they were going through a rough patch. Suicidal thoughts and a couple other things. I fear they may not even be alive. I'll never know and I'm slowly coming to accept that but damn it hurts. So I guess whoever reads this be better toward your friends and have a good new year.

Call me Ed. It may not be my real name but you could say that name is part of me. My real name is something I associate with my emotional flaws. My natural inclination toward hate and negative thoughts. My passive aggressive sarcasm that cuts people to keep them away. That's who I call Eli. Ed is different. He is detached from all the anger Eli carries. Ed is free to explore ideas beyond that which is a few feet from him. So I suppose this is the place where Ed gets a chance to speak.

Hate is a funny emotion in my opinion. I always found it to be a curious mixture of anger, sadness, disgust, and in some cases envy was thrown in there as well. I'm far from a genius and I am not what one could call wise but there is something a lot of people forget. Sometime it feels GOOD to hate something. At least for me it does. There is nothing like having that surge of negative energy flow through and start tugging at the strings of morality allowing for a strictly black and white view to occur. That simple and dangerous yet comforting belief comes over. I am the good guy and you are the evil plaguing this world. It gets tiring though. After a while you can barely function and the weapon you once used so powerfully starts eating you alive. Leaving you with two choices in the end. Let go or be consumed. At least that's my experience.