Ecritay Fantasy

It Begins To Tell Around Midnight

Presented by: The Other Reasons Why: A Red Dead HC Story

**No one asked for this but, I needed to write this and maybe share it with someone who might want to read it, even if it is just one person….

Note: not a request

Warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression

Headcannon: Javier Escuella x OC/reader, a bit angsty

You and Javier has never really spoken to each other since your arrival to the gang. And when there was conversation between y’all, it was usually short lived and would end with Javier becoming annoyed. But this night, that would change when you two really got to understand each other, because, well, it was inevitable 🤷🏾‍♂️

• Its been a long day. Javier wasn’t exactly happy about the botched heist with Dutch once again, but that was the least of his problems.

• It seemed that killing, stealing, cheating and lying had somehow become defective to him. He was desensitized, perhaps too sad to even care anymore. As long as it kept his mind from drifting, he was remoresfully ok with it.

• The night hovered over him with a darkness he couldn’t ignore. Not even the stars could brighten his lonely void nights. He knew that once the sun had set, his misery would increase—ten fold.

• He couldn’t sleep at night. His nights were usually restless, all the thoughts of home and seeing his family again overwhelmed him into a long insomnia. All he ever wanted was change, something to bring the people, his people into a Nuevo Paraiso he so wished existed in those Mexican lands. But instead, it was just a name. A place of Mexico. A painful reminder of how suffering was unfortunately more effective than happiness.

• He sat at the camp fire as usual, thinking to himself. He hated thinking, but it was apart of him that he could not ignore, let alone suppress. He sat there and suffered in silence.

• As he calmly watched the fire dance, no one saw him, no one cared. Sure there was Uncle, Swanson, Arthur and even Lenny sitting around…thinking…drinking. But no one bothered to see the depression that swept them all. Everyone was too invested, too caught up in their own sadness while ignoring the obvious.

• After some time, you suddenly joined in, no one batted an eye. Well, Javier noticed you, but then he looked back at the ground, or the fire, or whatever he was looking at. The brim of his hat made it impossible to study those austerely, angry eyes of his. He was one mysterious man, sometimes you’d swear he had much more depth to him than Charles did. But you knew it was his outlet, it was his way of protecting himself from the cruelty of this man’s man world.

• As you looked over at him, he was clearly in deep thought. You had nothing to say to him. You just wanted to observe him for a little while. Even though you thought he was kind of an asshole, you still liked him. It was his charming yet mysterious nature that captured your interest at first. You could tell that he also had an intelligence about himself, but he often kept it hidden away, never speaking much about anything. And with all that blood on his hands, somehow, there was a man of compassion sitting on that chair across from you. He surely intrigued you.

• However, you could only admire him from a far. A part of you was a bit of afraid of him. You wanted to look passed his mercilous murdering habits, but his charred, emotionless sense of essence made you doubtful. You could tell how much discomfort and remorse he had in it, but the conditioning he reaped would not ungrip his soul. And that was very disturbing to you.

• Besides, you were too far invested into your own misery to give a damn about a man; you barely even gave a damn about yourself. You thought about suicide quite often, and Charles, Javier, not even Jesus himself could make you feel worth anything. A coward by heart, you hoped that one day, one of these days, maybe you’ll get your wish, blessed by that grazing bullet with your name written on it.

• You had no where else to go, so you stayed around. And Dutch? You knew he wasn’t really about shit, but it didn’t matter anyway now that things were changing for the worst. Yeah he saved you, helped you back on your feet, gave you a place to stay, but for what? You never asked for this, no one ever does though…You were torn between living and dying; you’ve lost everything, you don’t know who the hell you really are, you’re stuck with a bunch of raging depressed murderers whom you’re forced to trust so far since you’re still alive and I guess, well? And you feel no purpose worth living for. Everything and everyone around you has became pure and utter shit.

• So what do you do next?

• Neither of you noticed that you’ve been sitting for quite some time. It got late and everyone had called out for the night. It was just you and Javier. He still sat as mysterious as usual. For all you knew, the man could’ve been sleep. But he suddenly cleared his throat.

• You tried to ignore those annoying nerves that were trying to conjure up butterflies in your tummy again, you were still at that stage where you’d get quite nervous whenever you’re around him. You weren’t really in the mood to start having feelings right now. It wasn’t like he was into you anyway, and even if he were, you knew it would never work, you always said you weren’t good enough, even for yourself. Besides, you liked Charles too….

• What a mess you were. You continued looking over at him. He never seemed to do anything special but just sit there. At least you could see where his eyes were now. The light from the fire glared in his face from the position he’d moved to.

• “I just got word, that my mother died…” Javier then spoke to you. You immediately became a bit surprised that he’d said anything to you at all. “It’s very painful for me…”

• You didn’t know what to say, perhaps you were frozen with words, not able to say anything. So you just sat there looking stupid. You didn’t want to be rude, but you just sat there. “Damn…” You then thought to yourself.

• “My sister, I heard she has a son now. My father…I don’t know. I miss my family everyday, but I know I can never go back home….so, I stay here now, because, this, this is my family now. I have no one else after this…”

• Still, you sat quietly, too shy to say anything. So, with this pattern, he continued on with his story, venting on to you about his life in Mexico and how he feels about leaving it all behind. He told you things you’d never known about him. He was quite wise, but very very sad. And angry. You let him go on without any interruptions, and you, without you even realizing it, became super engaged into what all he had to say.

• When he grew quiet, you were even more curious about him than before. You wondered why he’d even vent to you like that, you two barely ever said a word to each other in the few weeks you’ve been around. And to your understanding, he never even notices you, yet he felt comfortable enough to pour his soul out to you.

• It made no sense to you. Maybe he was drunk, but it was too obvious that he was sober tonight, never picking up not even one bottle since he came back from the heist. That was quite unusual to you, but it was nothing to pick at. He was a man of modesty, often keeping to himself when he felt the need to. Venting was a seldom thing for him to do, especially with you.

• Javier looked at you, wondering if you had anything to say. You did, however, he had no idea of how much of a struggle you went through to force those words to come out. However, no matter how long it took, he sat patiently waiting, once again staring away at something with his hat covering his eyes.

• After some time, you grew tired of the fight, you grew restless of this nervousness crap and decided to just give up your hopes and thoughts of embarrassing yourself.

“Why do you really think he’ll think of you any differently anyway Ayana?” You think to yourself. “It’s not like he fancies you anyway? Out of all these beauties out here, you really have the nerve to think that….You ain’t shit.”

• Those thoughts exhausted you. Even though you were already depressed, you somehow managed to make yourself even more depressed. You sighed, desperately trying to hold back tears. The sadness utterly caused you to let go of all your nervousness for a short while.

• “Have you ever felt lost? Before?” You then said, softly speaking with a bit of a crack in your voice. Javier then looked at you, patiently ready to hear what you had to say. “….Like, you don’t know who you are or why you’re here….”

• “I dunno….But I try not to think about it. Why do you ask…merida,” he said, suddenly curious about your thoughts.

“I don’t know. I guess, I just wanted to feel like I’m not the only one who feels that way….”

“Huh…” Javier subtly nodded his head back, a bit taken back from your words. “You know, maybe the reason I’m really here is because I am lost. I know who I am, but, I’m just lost.”

• “I’m sorry but,” You started. “I…I’m not sure what you’re —you mean…(sigh nervously)…when I asked what you’re here for, I was talking about your purpose, not why you joined Dutch. If that’s what you were implying of course…”

• That was such a hurdle for you to get over, the way you stumbled over those words only further regained your nervousness. You always tended to be a bit fidgety and wordy when you got like this, fumbling with your hands and hesitating obsessively. It was quite a disgusting habit of yours.

“…and, to my knowledge, you can’t know who you are…if you’re lost…?”

You didn’t want to sound like a know-it-all brainiac, but you couldn’t help that nature of yourself so full of ideas, knowledge….philosophy. The last thing you wanted to do was to intimidate others, even if you weren’t quite sure of your own thoughts yourself.

• He looked at you for a second more before he realized the sense of your commentary.

“Well, like I said, querida, I try not to think about it,” he then said.

• “Why not?” You asked him like a bashful child.

“Why should I? I’m already living what destiny has set for me. There’s nothing more to think about of that,” he responded.

“How do you know that this was set for you? What if it wasn’t?” You asked him, more anticipated now. “What if you were meant to do something else, but you just didn’t get the chance to do it?”

“You’re only hurting yourself when you drag these things along with no answers querida…”

• After that, you decided to go silent. The conversation was apparently going nowhere and you could sense that he wasn’t very comfortable with your questions which would’ve only gotten deeper if you so should’ve continued. It annoyed you that he wasn’t, or just withheld that type of endurance for a numb minding conversation. You were always a thinker, a person of thought and wonder and you kept to yourself for reasons of suppression. No one wanted to talk beyond casualties.

• You sighed. Javier could see the disappointment in you.

“I know who I am querida, where I’m going…who I’m destined to be,” He then started. “I’ve just learned to accept it….”

For some reason, you sensed that he didn’t really want you to fall silent, but you knew that your talks were full of uncomfortable, mind exploding thoughts that may or may not confuse him, let alone, encourage him to join along with you. However, you reluctantly took the bait anyway.

• “Are you, sure about that?” You hesitated to say.

“Sure about what?”

“That you know who you are?”

He didn’t respond, instead, he fell silent. Perhaps he didn’t know how to answer your question, perhaps, he couldn’t.

“las preguntas, las dudas…Dios mío, querida...” He said to himself in his native tongue. Although you didn’t quite understand what he’d said, you never did, you could tell by his tone that he was a bit frustrated. Or maybe annoyed.

• “Do you know who you are chica?” He said to you. “Because it sounds like to me, that you’re trying to get inside my head again.”

You looked at him a bit confused.

“What? I’m not trying to get inside your head? I was only asking you a legit question…why do you always think that I’m trying to cause mayhem with you? We barely even talk so why would I waste my time doing something of that nature? Seems to me you have misplaced feelings for Dutch,” you said, feeling quite annoyed yourself.

• This was one of the many reasons why you found him to be such an asshole. Just when he opens up to you, out of all people by the way, he retreats right back into his shell and scolds at you for noticing his true self, even though he was the one exposing it. Although you didn’t realize how sensitive he really was, (until now), your intentions were always pure as you really did care for him. You had a big heart, you cared for everyone.

• Besides, it wasn’t you. It was him. Unbeknownst to you, you were poking at his soft spots and he never could take light of it. It was hard for you to talk to him because he often confused you a lot with opening up to you only to close back up again. With all this and knowing that you could easily read him like a book, setting himself up for the exposure of his life with you, he still took his chances.

• “Um. I guess, good night…” You then said a bit moody. He was such a buzz kill. Javier, on the other hand, thought otherwise of you. Your gentle, caring and beautiful soul made him feel some kind of comfort. He really did enjoy your company, and although you would’ve never guessed it, it wasn’t always easy for him to express certain things.

“You’re going to bed already? The night’s just getting started chica…” he said warmfully, his attempt to keep you around. He could feel that he had made you a little upset.

• However, you weren’t really sure if he was being sarcastic or sincere. Instead of going to bed, you decided to just stay put anyway. Javier looked at you as if he was waiting for you to do something, but he wasn’t. He was just simply admiring you. You started to feel a little uncomfortable, not used to having the admired admire you back. That was strictly reserved only in your fantasies.

“What?” You finally said annoyed at him watching you for long periods of time.

• “Nothing, nothing…” he said, amused at your annoyance. He secretly thought it was cute the way he could annoy you sometimes. “I can tell that you have a lot on your mind.”

“Well, I do,” you told him honestly.

• You tried so hard to avoid eye contact with him, let alone, look at him for any longer than a second. But the urge was strong. His eyes continued to tug on yours, making you uncontrollably curious. And that’s when you looked at him. You both sat there and just looked at each other for a minute, it was awkward, it felt like it lasted for hours and it was cheesy the least to say. But there you two were, finally succumbing to the obvious admiration you both had for each other.

• The awkwardness was too much though. You had to look away quickly, and you did. You fumbled with your fingers as you thought to yourself, trying to keep yourself at bay from all the nervousness you felt.

• When will this night ever end?

• “Can I ask you something, Ayana?” Javier then said. You didn’t respond, you couldn’t even look up from your fingers in your lap.

“Why did you decide to stay with us? I mean, after all the shit that’s been going on lately, since you’ve been here, you could’ve left huh? But, you still ride with us. Why so?”

You looked up at him shooting bouts of discontent at his question with your eyes, but nevertheless, you became at ease once you’ve realized your answer.

• “I suppose for the same reason as you. I have no where else to go, nobody else gives a fuck, I’m…all alone. So I stay here, anticipating to die with the rest of you…”

Javier could hear the sadness and hopelessness in your voice. Somehow he felt…obligated to do something about that.

“You know, it’s not that we anticipate for our deaths, but, we just prepare for it. It’s nothing we should think about so much though, merida, death? Its inevitable.”

• You looked at him with a spark in your eye, grateful for his advice and understanding, but still shy from his presence. You then looked up above you, gazing at the dangling stars, thinking of what a mess you’ve become. All you ever wanted was to dream anyway.

• “The night can be quite intense sometimes…” Javier said, noticing your stares above you. You looked so graceful admiring the deep mysterious skies. “But the night sky? It’s always beautiful.”

“It’s always good to have something to look up to, you know?” you mentioned.

“Si, mi querida, I suppose so…”

• For the rest of the night, you two told stories of your depression, shared philosophies that inspired you and talked about things that society had casted off as bizarre and too inept for normality. Not even realizing that you’ve finally overcame your shyness for him, you spoke to him as if you’ve known him all your life. It was like two old friends rekindling what you’ve once had before.

• Both of you would end up falling asleep against a rock that sat at the outskirts of the camp. You and Javier had decided to sit and continue the conversation elsewhere once the campfire burned out. You both wanted to admire the beautiful, opened overview of Horshoe Overlook together.

• The next morning, Arthur stumbled upon you two, sleeping uncomfortably but peacefully on the rock. He stood over both your limpless bodies, over shadowing you with shade. You suddenly realized that the morning sun light had disappeared, but you didn’t completely wake up yet.

Human Evolution And The Missing Link

When Charles Darwin first published his notes on natural selection in the late 1830’s, the theory of evolution was born. It hypothetically explains how all living organisms, including humans, have evolved from the cause and effect of natural selection over time which inspired the idea that primate chromosomes are closely related to human chromosomes.

Science has since adapted this theory as a logical explanation on why humans are the way they are in modern society.

However, this theory is cut short of plausibility from a significant mystery that science has yet to explain and has left scientists baffled for centuries. The theory of evolution further explains how genetic manipulation and the function of DNA structure works. In humans and primates, the genetic simplicities of the DNA sequence somehow went through an unexplainably drastic change which seemed to have appeared out of nowhere and skipped another formation that should have occurred somewhere in between the last stages of apes transforming into humans.

The DNA of both species share the same duplicates of advanced genetic information that no other species has, making this a unique sequence that only humans and certain primates share. In order for this kind of rare occurrence to transpire, there would have to have been a connection somewhere down the line during the evolving process to suggest how this was possible, but science has not been able to find the missing link between where the transformation came from or why it even happened. Whether the answer will ever be discovered or not, this would make valuable information that could potentially change history as we know it and rewrite the hypothesis of human existence all together.

The Possibilities

There are a few theories that could help explain why humans and apes share the same unique genetic structure but it isn’t directly linked to how it could be possible. The most common theories rely on the possibility of an entirely new species unknown to science that has yet to be discovered.

Some scientists expect the undiscovered species to be that of a half man half ape creature, believing that it may have looked as if it paused in the middle of the evolving process while transforming from ape to man. Others believe that it could also look similar to that of an upright walking ape without an expanded amount of human features that’s closely related to Gigantopithecus.

Another less analyzed theory suggests that the unique DNA sequences could have been the result of a retrovirus. Viruses are known to change the molecular structure of DNA. Genomes manipulated by viruses can be passed down from generation to generation, similar to how a hereditary disease does. Genes can also change at unpredictable measures, as if their coding can be switched on and off like a light switch.

However, there isn’t enough evidence to prove these theories yet.

The most compelling and most controversial theory is that the missing link perhaps, doesn’t even exist at all. Instead, it is nothing more than a transitional fossil. A transitional fossil is a fossilized component that share common traits with its ancestral and descendant species. It is merely just an ancient artifact with common structures to most. Due to its lack of structural information in genetics it is very difficult to link it towards a direct ancestor.

However, if this was the case, would evolution not apply to all living beings as suggested?

This theory would emphasize that evolution would only make sense for certain organisms. Not all life would apply to the laws of it as Darwin suggested.

As with all theories, flaws are common within the scientific community as hypothetical conceptions always seems to outweigh the evidence.

Is Human Evolution Just A Theory?

The theory of humans evolving from apes hold some questionable attributions that could permanently change its own statement. Most theories are left as just that, but the missing link between humans and apes have forced scientists to re-evaluate the theory of evolution. Darwin made an interesting evaluation amongst living organisms of the same origin, stating that all life can’t possibly be of a unique individuality and that they must have origins from the same source of a common ancestor. However, science is an ever changing and growing field, discovering new information everyday.

With the constant deluge of change demanding the answers to go farther along the path of no return, it becomes incredibly difficult to prove anything accurately even with an abundance of evidence. Evidence itself can be debunked into a myth and so forth, so this leads science no where when it comes to factual truths.

As for evolution, when closely observing the idea, it becomes nothing more than a big messy web of entanglement that doesn’t seem to connect or point to anything important. As a theory can rationalize the existence of something it can also doubt it. Evolution is rippled with many flaws that can easily contradict what it suggests as fact.

The missing link between humans and primate chromosomes leads many to doubt that evolution is the fact of all origins of life.

Perhaps some life was formed from their origins through creationism. Even if all species weren’t formed independently from each other, that doesn’t necessarily mean that their origins must be common.

What science fails to understand is that not everything can be explained through logic. Perhaps logic itself is flawed as it can oftentimes limit the possibilities of thought and expression. Within the evolving human, it is quite possible that the transformation between humans and apes have always been drastic and was not just at a starting point of the missing link mystery.

Science is constantly disproving and proving itself with the added on evidence of humanoids developing skills and traits which were long thought to have been either too advanced or misunderstood during their evolving process. Natural selection seems to only apply towards the organisms of predictable instinct whose primary goal is to survive for ecosystems. Humans, however, have free will, an awareness that could not have evolved from primates. Having the ability to become aware of natural selection and to control it may affect the purpose of humans to an extent. Perhaps it is at random and not at will of human adaptation and survival instinct.

“Black spider with one ice cube…” Marcus told the bartender.

It has been a long day for him. The miserable faun had just gotten off work and was newly funded of a promotion. As far as he was concerned, the promotion was basically just a long overdue pay raise. The thoughts of retirement had been hanging around his head lately, but he wasn’t ready to face self-pity over his lack of meaning to life yet.

The break-up with his fiancé really soured any future plans for him at the moment anyhow.

“How’s it been, Marco,” Rick, the bartender then greeted him. He mixed and poured a black concoction in a short glass. The black spider was a regular with Marcus. Every evening, he'd find himself at the local bar having a drink or two, miserably complaining about his own life as usual.

However, Rick never minded the constant complaining. He was always interested in what ridiculous things Marcus would say which always sparked a lively conversation between the two. Being at a mundane bar, sometimes Marcus was the only entertainment Rick would have all day.

“The usual…” Marcus then replied. Rick slid the glass of hard liquor to his moping friend.

He downed a single gulp of his glass. His eyes drooped with deep misery, the kind of misery Rick suddenly grew concerned over.

“You uhh…you seen Adrian lately?” he then asked him, hoping to occupy Marcus’s attention away from his own misery.

“Nah. Not really…” Marcus then said. Although he appeared too miserable for his own good, he was used to the emptiness it graced him with.

“Huh….you don’t seem like yourself tonight,” Rick then pointed out.

Marcus didn’t reply. He just looked at the elfin man with sad pitiful eyes and then took another swallow of his glass. He hated when someone pointed out the obvious, but he knew that Rick was only being a concerned friend. He assumed that Rick would've already been aware that his depression was something that he’d decided to live with by now. He hasn’t conjured up the courage to cap things just yet.

Suddenly, Adrian conveniently walked into the bar and sat down at the open stool next to Marcus.

“A golden roux please,” He said chirpy. He was in a good mood in to which annoyed Marcus. Adrian always managed to be an optimist, even if he wasn’t feeling up to par.

“Bout time you showed up,” Rick then said. “Your buddy over here is acting kinda strange. It’s like he wants to do himself in or something.”

“When does he not want to do himself in?” Adrian remarked.

“What’s it to you if I do decide to do it?” Marcus then snarled.

“See Rick, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s just a miserable old goat…” Adrian then said, being used to Marcus's snarly attitude.

No one understood Marcus better than Adrian who'd spent years of dealing with his depressed and miserable friend. After becoming aware of Marcus's mean streak, he began to realize that his misery was oftentimes mistaken with his usual persona. That was just how he was.

“I’m not a damn goat for the last time…”

Rick slid the golden brown glass of liquor to Adrian who was eager to take a gulp.

“Ahh, Marcus, we meet again. Still in the dumps huh.”

“Why are you always so happy? Don’t you ever have problems to worry about?”

“Problems are all the more reasons for my so-called happiness,” Adrian said taking a big gulp. He swallowed his entire glass in two gulps. “Mm. Hit me one more time Rick.”

“You know, whatever’s in that shit you like to drink so much, maybe that’s where all your happiness is coming from…” Marcus then said sarcastically.

“That’s the spirit,” Adrian remarked as Rick slid him another golden roux.

“Thanks Rick.”

“No probs. Just no stupid drunken bull crap in my bar.”

As Adrian took another gulp of his drink, watching him downing a glass of strong, sweet alcohol really irked Marcus even more. He could feel his hand slowly squeeze tighter around his glass from the frustration that pulsed through his veins.

“So, Mr. Perfect, how’s it feel to never have to worry about pain and suffering, since you know, you’re a wizard in all…”

Adrian then placed his glass on the table with a gentle slam. He could sense the sarcasm from Marcus, but he was used to it. He knew Marcus wanted a reaction out of him, but he didn’t budge to give one to him. Instead, without looking at him, without saying a single word, he just sat and let the anxiety brew within his friend, not giving up a single clue on what he was to do next.

Marcus watched him for a few short seconds before giving up on trying to figure him out. Out of all things, he knew he could’ve struck a nerve, something he took the pleasure to do to Adrian sometimes.

“Women…” Adrian then started. Marcus glanced at him with a pout on his face.

“Some are queens, and some are….how should I put it….” He took another sip of his liquor. “Mm. There’s the word. Hoes…”

“You trying to say something smart ass?” Marcus then said defensively. Adrian gently smiled to himself while swirling the remaining liquid in his glass.

“I might be a fuckin loser and you might gots something to say bout it, but don’t you ever fuckin talk about Mariah like that, you hear wise guy?” Marcus responded.

“Well, you got what you wanted didn’t you?” Adrian said still smiling to himself.

“Why don’t you wipe that fuckin smirk off your face will you.”

“Truth hurts doesn’t it?” Adrian then said. But just as Rick was expecting that Adrian was only fueling Marcus’s sourness, something else happened instead.

“I bet you were totally invested in a real fight weren’t you,” Marcus then said to him, noticing the elf man's intense anticipation over them.

“You two always love to fuck with me…” Rick said shaking his head.

As long as he’d been knowing the two, he should’ve known to expect that the dispute was never going to go anywhere. It was a common thing that always happened between them, mainly because Adrian could never take Marcus seriously and Marcus never intended for disputes anyway.

“You know, you’re right, Adrian. I should’ve never married that cheating sleezy ass hoe anyway. I just….get carried away when it gets personal sometimes…” Marcus then said.

“No problems, Marcus, ain’t no shame in keeping it real, buddy,” Adrian said. Although Marcus could never get to him, sometimes his sarcasm got close to it. His immortality on Eunice has caused him nothing but great sorrow.

“It’s a wonder how you two even became friends…” Rick then said.

“Hey…what are friends for if you can’t have fun with’em?” Adrian said.

Suddenly, a young man with a scowl on his face and an enormous curly afro walked into the bar and took a seat at a stool away from the talking bunch.

Rick, Marcus and Adrian immediately took notice to his mechanical prosthetic left arm.

“Who pissed on his petunias…?” Marcus then mumbled to Adrian.

The young man’s scowl looked angrier than God when looked upon the sins on Earth. However, unbeknownst to them, he wasn’t even angry.

“I don’t know,” Adrian responded. “but you’d think you know menacing until you see it though…”

He noticed the three strange….men staring at him suspiciously as if he was a thief in the night. He was aware of the potential stares that he may come across once entering this world. Not only was he particularly attractive but his arm was most definitely a unique anomaly.

Eunice hasn’t seen a cyborg in years.

“I’ll just take some Rum…” he then said dully. He carefully looked around his surroundings before looking back at the bartender.

Before Rick did anything more, he continued staring down the young man with threatening eyes, pondering what kind of things he should do to provoke him. He wanted to create a reason to kick him out of the bar without having to explain anything to his boss. Paying customers were always welcomed, no matter who they were. But for Rick, tonight was an exception.

The young man looked as if he’d been doing one hundred pushups a day. Although he wasn’t extremely buff, his muscles were well defined. His dog chain confirmed to Rick of his stature as an American US Marine.

The young man realized the menacing looks Rick was giving him, taking a particular notice to his robot arm. He knew that he was being profiled, but he was anticipating Rick’s next move. He felt no threat from the blue, pointy-eared man. In fact, his menacingly neutral scowl was starting to intimidate Rick. However, he kept his cool.

“You got I.D. on you?” Rick then said to him.

“Yeah. Why, I don’t look old enough to you?” the young man said.

“No, you don’t. Is that a problem?” Rick dared himself to say to the man.

“No. No problem at all,” the man firmly stated, never breaking away his scowling eyes from Rick.

Rick felt that he was trying to intimidate him, but unbeknownst to him it just so happened that the man needed not to do much for that anyhow. He was a natural in his ways which usually left him unbothered.

“Well,” Rick then softly cleared his throat, feeling a small lump forming in his throat. “You’re gonna let me see it or what?”

The man then pulled out his wallet from his back pocket, opened it and flashed out his I.D..

He read his name: Zachariah L. Markson.

“You got a cyborg permit?” Rick then asked Zachariah.

“No, why the hell would I need that?” he said.

“Why not,” Rick taunted him.

“I’m not a cyborg,” Zachariah stated. He was beginning to become agitated with Rick. He began to realize that the blue, blonde headed elf was trying to provoke him.

“Well technically, you are a cyborg, haven’t you looked at your arm lately?” Adrian then budded in casually, not even looking at the man.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Zachariah then said.

At this point, he wasn’t even interested in the drink anymore. But he had no choice but to remain at the bar until he figured out how he was going to obtain that chip.

“It has everything to do with you getting a cyborg permit or getting the fuck out of here,” Rick taunted him once more. He even grew a small smirk on his face when he heard Zachariah making a low pitched growl at him.

“Why don’t you just give him the drink Rick, its not that serious…” Adrian then said.

With those words, he held his glares at the man for a second longer before taking upon Adrian’s advice. One thing he could agree upon was that it wasn’t as serious as he’d liked it to be. He just didn’t like Zachariah because he had a cyborg arm.

But suddenly, before he could even get to the alcoholic beverage, he noticed a beautiful Venusian woman walking towards a small rounded table where another woman was sitting and waiting for her. The woman the Venusian beauty greeted had a puffy orange afro tied back with a red scarf, green eyes and honey brown skin.

Her name was Aniyah Rose.

Although it may seem exciting, building an innovative culture isn't all fun and games. According to the article "The Hard Truth About Innovative Cultures", Gary Pisano answers the important questions to what an innovative culture is and what makes it a difficult heaven to construct. The article is a very long read, (it took at least ten minutes for me to complete), and though it covers some very interesting key points, it may get a bit mundane for those with a more concise prospective. However, I do consider the information very informative and also a definite recommendable piece of work. Whether you want to be an entrepreneur, become business savvy or economically competent, it is worth looking at the key points that focuses on what makes a successful business and what makes a potentially good business fail before it had ever gotten a chance. However, this will not be a review of Pisano's advices. Instead, I will analyze the most important aspects of business piece by piece explained throughout the article and focus on what you need to become successful in the competitive world of enterprises. Innovation is Key! Some people may go into the business world money driven with hopes and dreams that they want to achieve. Although some may claim to know the formulas towards achieving their goals, many folks still don’t have a clue about what it may take to follow the rules of those formulas. In fact, there are five basic principles to look at when starting a business under the construct of an innovative culture:

Tolerance for failure

Willingness to experiment

Psychological safety

High collaboration

Non-hierarchic organizations

Orchestrating these principles are, indeed, quite difficult due to their paradoxical nature. To get a better understanding of this, I will first analyze each of these principles and explain what they mean, how they apply to the delicate structure of an innovative culture, view some examples and conclude their significance based from Pisano's advices in the original article. Failure It is essential to make mistakes in order to learn and grow for the success of your company. However, you must have a clear distinction between productive failure and unproductive failure. When an employee has a clear understanding of their expected standard performances, any mistakes on their behalf will yield better decisions, ideas and important information relative to the company’s investments. Innovative cultures require growth along with the ever-changing technologies that is inevitable in business economics. If you are too lenient towards incompetency, employees who do not contribute any new changes, regardless of their many years of support, can be detrimental to a fast-growing company. You should communicate expectations thoroughly, allow change and growth within your company and invest in more competent associates. Decide the possible causes of failures that either appropriates or discourage bad judgement and consider whether setting high expectations will cross the lines between respect or cruelty.

Companies such as Google and Amazon set high expectations for their employees. They are only interested in making the best investments by recruiting people who show high competency.

Experimentation Companies must experiment with projects, decisions and ideas to better understand the proper essentials of how a successful business should operate. However, taking huge risks requires using disciplinary actions. Your company should allow room for team members to recognize their own flawed ideas and form solutions that are more efficient and productive. Constricting these thought patterns can limit creativity, which is essential for developing long-term resolutions. In order for experimentation to successfully work, you must follow a strict discipline and pursuit a peaceful balance between the business team and their individual contribution towards the company by giving them time, space and reason to reformulate and create ideas.

Flagship Pioneering company analyzed a diversity of ideas to learn and modify flaws, spent a smaller budget on projects to focus more on modifying ideas, reexamined a failed idea rather than ignore or excuse it and looked towards finding long-term resolutions.

Psychological Safety It is important to create a safe space for constructive criticism in an innovative culture. Sharing critique can support learning and create opportunities to produce innovative ideas. Psychological safety involves knowing when to use critique for productive reasons and how to proceed this in a respectful manner. Associates of all levels should be opened to criticism and be cordial and respectful of one another when constructing their different views. Leniency towards constructive criticism does not challenge ideas and hard criticism can become too abrasive if not presented in an appropriate manner. To decrease the tension between sharing criticism, you must set an example by being opened to accept and learn from criticism of your own proposals and ideas.

A research conducted by a group of professionals found that those who felt comfortable enough to ask more questions about something new learned to use the technologies faster than those who did not.

General Dwight D. Eisenhower was opened to criticism of his own battle plans amongst his top officers of Allied forces three weeks before the invasion of Normandy.

Collaboration and Accountability Psychological safety can support collaboration through opening many opportunities. However, team members must hold themselves accountable towards any contributions they’ve made for the company. This allow team members to accept criticism and be more comfortable with new ideas. In this way, projects can move along swiftly and benefit in the long run. As a leader, you must be able to set examples of holding accountability first to inspire others to do the same.

Pixar holds feedback significantly important. Director Ed Catmull tells that the directors pick and choose through the mounts of feedback encouraged by staff.

Andy Jassy sought for help from other professionals when he struggled to start a new project under Amazon. The project is now worth $12 billion all because he had personally held himself accountable for it.

Paul Stoffels, lead of Johnson & Johnson, took full responsibility for his team when they faced an issue in a major clinical program. He later became the chief scientific officer of the company after learning from the mistake and setting an example of being willing to take personal risks.

Non-Hierarchic Flat Organizations Superior and associate positions are no longer labeled and are sharing, experimenting and formulating ideas together. This kind of organization creates an open array for more creativity and information due to the diversity of ideas from a broader community of perspectives, unlike its counterpart, structurally flat organizations, which rely on hierarchic and rigid titles amongst its people. You must have a sense of direction and plan strategically. Building a flat culture under functional company standards can be extremely delicate and can result in a collapse from chaos if not properly supported. When you contrive for strong leadership, you’ll open opportunities for more problem-solving events to occur. Flatness can also support the development of strong leadership capabilities and accountabilities amongst individual employees as well.

Amazon and Google both have a sense of direction as to where they envision their companies to go and how their companies should be operated, however, they may suppress accountability and decision making to allow more freedom of creativity and expression for ideas amongst their employees.

Sergio Marchionne, pioneer and architect of both Fiat and Chrysler, stayed more involved with individual associates of a team rather than a team lead to get better insight on issues and operations of the company.

Steve Jobs directed Apple of his visions while staying focused on resolving technical and design issues.

Leadership Operating an innovative company requires a difficult departure between social and innovative society. However, there are three points of issues with this:

You can cause confusion and doubt when trying to balance the fine line between contradicting and paradoxical methods.

All expectations may not be met due to the differences of skill sets, perspectives, weaknesses and strengths of associates.

Controlling a rapid pace of multiple altitudes of important principles can be overwhelming.

To resolve or maintain any of these issues, leadership needs to take specific actions in order to thrive in a conducive innovative culture:

Associates must have a clear understanding of the high expectations expected from them and the consequences and responsibilities behind their decisions and actions.

Short cuts and unit reductions limits the chances for good management, creativity, concept diversity and overall potential for growth. Don’t do it!

Know when to allow failure, create an atmosphere for frank but constructive criticism and know when to be lenient or firm with experimentation.

Pumpkins are some of my favorite seasonal foods. Every fall, I look forward to the sweet aroma of cinnamon and maple on a calm autumn evening. Whether its a candle or a pie, its something about pumpkins that always never fails to turn my falls into magic. I love food as much as I love art and although I don't like to eat very much (weird, huh?), food, specifically ingredients, have always sparked an interest with me. So in this post, I would like to share some of my thoughts about pumpkins.

1) Popular and Wasted

Its one of the most popular crops in the United States being produced 1.5 billion pounds a year. Now, I know that doesn't sound like the most interesting fact, but its not about how popular it is. Through all of this mass cultivation, its amazing with how many different ways people chose to use pumpkins. Some people may use them for purposes ranging from decoration and other non-edible projects to food cuisines and recipes, but none the less often for its nutritional value.

Unfortunately, the most common use of pumpkin is mostly during the holidays as prop decorations. In the United States, more pumpkins are being used for home décor than are actually being consumed and eaten and with a cruel twist of fate, discarded after an incredibly short time of being used. This is also a common practice with the evergreen winter tree during the Christmas holidays. In other parts of the world, it is usually not even considered a food for people and is used as animal feed.

Most fruits and vegetables go to waste in America, but just because its a common situation doesn't mean that it is not a problem.

2) Pumpkin Is A Squash

More than likely, this is a no brainer for most. But squash is not a vegetable, its a fruit. Even more so, pumpkins are also botanically classified as a member of the cucurbit family, the family of cucumbers and melons. For the season harvests, they are usually planted around July so that they could be sold in early autumn and fall. There are at least thirty different varieties of pumpkins ranging from various shapes, sizes and colors. In fact, their color palette can range from red, orange, yellow, white, green, blue and even multi-colored. The one that most people are familiar with is part of the Pepo species of the cucurbit family, which is the round, ribbed rind orange colored pumpkin or agriculturally known as the Connecticut field variety.

3) Superior Health Benefits

Often due to its popularity, there is a common lack of knowledge about pumpkins that most people fall ignorant to. The nutritional value of it is quite impressive, bestowing a benefit in every part of its existence whether for consumption or external use. The main nutrients in pumpkins are lutein, alpha and beta carotene which are the properties of vitamin A. The carotenoids that gives the pumpkin it's deep rich yellow orange color can benefit healthy eyesight. Roasted pumpkin seeds can help with mood, psychological and physiological imbalances such as depression and learning disabilities. It has the same effect as omega 3 which is known to support healthy intellectual abilities while also having the effects to benefit people with insomnia. Other health benefits from pumpkins include aiding weight loss, stabilizing a healthy heart and circulatory system, reducing the risk of cancer, promoting healthy skin, nails, and hair, strengthening the immune system, and improving insulin regulations in diabetic patients.

That's a lot of health benefits for one fruit! No wonder it is considered one of the most healthiest foods in the world.

But instead of valuing it for its health benefits, other popular uses of the pumpkin includes the prospects of highly refined sugary, fatty sweets and desserts, all the poisons that most of us love but should not engage in. Although its great in savory dishes as well, the pies, cakes and frappuccinos are why its so popular during the falling leaf season. In fact, the most popular seasonal hot beverage next to hot chocolate is pumpkin spice.

4) They Are Compassionate Plants

Pumpkins are thought to have first originated in North America, however, the earliest known pumpkin seeds were found in Central America around 7000 and 5500 B.C.. They were cultivated before the maize was produced and grew with beans and sunflowers. The Native Americans used pumpkins for many beneficiary purposes throughout their daily lives. They would grow many of their crops together as they benefitted towards each other's survival. The pumpkin crops were supportive of the bean crops and so forth, complementing each other nutritionally. This was most likely how crop domestication would start. Not only are pumpkins very beneficial from birth throughout their life time, but they also make very good compost when they die.

5) The First Pumpkin Pie And Jack-O-Lantern

Like most crops, the original pumpkin wasn't always the large, orange fruit that we know of today. Its ancient ancestors used to be much smaller and bitter. However, after 10,000 years of domestication, they would soon become traditional icons. Due to their sturdy nature, pumpkins were once one of the only food supplies that the pilgrims had for survival because they kept well in storage, especially during the harsh winter seasons. They would hollow out the pumpkin and remove its seeds, adding spices, cream, eggs, and honey inside it and then buried it over fire to bake, creating the first pumpkin pie. The Irish introduced the practice of pumpkin carving when they first arrived to America, creating the traditional jack-o-lantern practice. Before then, they were using hollowed out turnips.

Being a plant that has been grown and domesticated before corn was even produced, could literally cure world hunger and eradicate a plethora of physical ailments and diseases, its really a shame that pumpkins are one of many crops that goes to waste for little to nothing. The issues with food starts from the lack of knowledge about it. Food, plants per se, is more than just a way of preparation of an elaborate dish, its a way of life. Like a lot of other fruits and vegetables, pumpkins are an extremely versatile food source that could last for centuries. Its impact on the world should not have come from being destined to become a waste of out dated traditions and refined processed desserts. Sometimes, through all of the human error that we tend to cause as our own atrocities, we tend to forget where we reside. If man has the ability to domesticate, then it should be for beneficiary purposes, especially when taking something as unique as a pumpkin into consideration. But what do I know? I'm not one to dictate what people should do with their lives. But there is a subtle obviousness to the answers when we become aware. If there is anything else to learn about pumpkins, it should be how to appreciate it as a health food and not just as a jack-o-lantern or a pie.

References

I have always been interested in analyzing fictional characters and as a creator myself, I find it quite helpful advice on building character arcs. I gain much insight on the pros and cons of how characters are developed and designed and what brings them to life. Its very fascinating stuff! So with that being said, I introduce to anyone interested in reading my take on analyzing characters from various aspects of fictional worlds.

*MAJOR SPOILERS for those who are still playing the game *All information is completely theoretical on my behalf, so please do not take any of this as fact *Lengthy read! Beware!

Ok, so this was the second attempt to write this due to the last one being deleted, but because I really wanted to share this information, I’ve decided to give it a try once more. I plan to make this an ongoing series so there will definitely be more to come with these kinds of posts! Please feel free to comment if you’d like, I love feedback and positive criticism :) And also, hope you enjoy!

In this post, I will be reviewing characters from the Red Dead Redemption II game by Rockstar. I really enjoyed the storytelling, gameplay and character development in this project and look forward to seeing more to come from the studio. Although the game wasn't perfect, I highly consider it close to a masterpiece, especially when it comes to the writing.

I am very knowledgeable in astrology in my own right and have been studying it for quite some time, however, I’m no professional of it so please forgive me if I may have some inconsistencies on occasion. I also have a deep interest in psychology and the study of human behavior so I like to study people in general.

With that being said, here is my analysis on what I think the signs of the Red Dead Redemption 2 characters are. I will explain as much as I can on why I think these signs match the characters. However, I will not necessarily write a thesis introducing the characters just to express these thoughts. My main focus is to explain the topic as thoroughly as possible. Through the essay should the characters already be well pronounced anyhow. Since I can only post so much, I'll only do two to three characters a post. Taurus: The Bull Dutch Van der Linde Tilly Jackson

Taurus people are stubborn and superficial but on the other end, also practical and well grounded. They can be possessive and materialistic, almost to an obsession, however, they can also be very sensual and reliable at times. They are the kind of people who seem to have serious trust issues and can not let go of things when they’re in their feelings, almost as if they take everything to heart. They may be the really annoying grudge holders but their friendship and loyalty is worth while. In my opinion, Tilly and Dutch have a few characteristics of Taurus displayed over the course of the story, especially Dutch. In this quote “this is an unfortunate being that has to wander the Earth in order to find freedom” , I believe it is pretty relevant to how Dutch is portrayed in the game.

Dutch “They are loyal and don’t like sudden changes, criticism or the chase of guilt people are often prone to, being somewhat dependable on other people and emotions they seem to be unable to let go of”

This definitely describes Dutch’s personality. During his mental slip, he is constantly bringing his own men into a slew of trouble only to reel them in through their impeccable loyalty for him. And if either of them threatens or questions his way of practicality, he becomes hostile and sometimes irrational towards them.

Dutch was also an advocate believer in loyalty, often preaching about it during camp interactions and even conditioning the others to believe in what he sees of it. Although he may not have been as loyal to his fellow men as he’d expected them to be towards him (at least during the climax of the story), I believe that he once was before, which prevailed him as a great leader in their eyes.

When Dutch began to lose his sanity, slowly but surely, he became quite dependent on the loyalty from his men, even willing to have some of them killed off if they disagreed to conform to his insanity. In fact, Arthur and John’s distrust of him alone, helped pushed him further into becoming a ruthless maniac. He could not accept his own flaws and would instead, justify his actions through irrational and nonsensical raps about loyalty.

In fact, this sudden change of life as an outlaw, in the days of the new era, in the last year of the Old Western century where civilization and industrialism began to rise, were some of the very reasons Dutch lost grips with reality in the first place.

Tilly “these individuals have the ability to bring a practical voice of reason in any chaotic and unhealthy situation”

Tilly’s personality is a good example of this. In a few camp interactions with the women of the group, she is often the voice of reason when the others become frustrated or rightfully aggravated. For example, she tells Karen that things will change for the better if she’d desired for them to do so. She also believes that people themselves are in control of their own happiness and the betterment of their surroundings.

However, Karen disagrees with her as she can only see the present reality around them which left little room for change, especially for women. While Karen’s argument might've been realistically reasonable, Tilly reasoned why her pessimistic views were flawed, challenging Karen’s perception.

Tilly also tried to reason why she thought Susan Grimshaw was right for what she did in a bad situation resulting in Molly’s death. When Mary-Beth asked her about it, even though she was most likely in a state of trauma, she justified Grimshaw's actions by applying rational thought into “the rules of the camp”, which obviously went against her moral coding. However, this can also be because she may have sawn Ms. Grimshaw as a true mother figure, being particularly close to her out of the majority of the group.

Although the gang did not always follow morality, rules are rules, and they were justifiable by way of standards formed by a group of people. In a single logic, it is rational to follow moral codes. In a group logic, it is rational to follow the rules.

Molly’s death may also show how loyalty was defined in Dutch’s standards. The “rules” of the camp are implied only at this point of the story. Perhaps they were set in place just to justify away Dutch’s false constructed rendition of loyalty for the benefit of his own need of self worth.

And speaking of Dutch, he, himself, was also quite a voice of reason whenever the gang ran into difficult and chaotic situations, usually being well grounded about it. He was always the one planning what he thought was the most "logical" way out of the situation rather than to question, panic or give in.

Although some of the examples I've pointed out may have helped my reason to support her astrology, I would also like to acknowledge that Tilly's voice of reason may have also stemmed from a stereotype that has been constantly commended throughout time. The media has a history of portraying the black woman as the motherly voice of reason to her white counterpart, denouncing the human characteristics or of any other significance of her character to the story while focusing that prospect almost solely on the white protagonist. However, even if this was the case, there is enough depth in her character to make some analyzations which is still quite rare.

So in my opinion, Tilly and Dutch were often the most level-headed people of the gang.

Conclusion Taurus people are quoted to be “overprotective, conservative, or materialistic at times, with views of the world founded on their love of money and wealth” which implores both Tilly and Dutch’s personalities. Tilly even expressed these traits during a few camp interactions by mentioning that she was more into the superficial way of life, preferring to associate with people and things of a more finer lifestyle. It is subtly implied that she may have even had a crush on Javier, who expressed interest and taste in these fancy attributes. Later in the story, she even marries a wealthy lawyer.

Dutch was also quite superficial himself, having quite a lust for material wealth throughout the entire gang. He was a shallow man with very little respect for others who did not portray the wealth that he often associated himself to and would only see fit for those he saw a potential chance to manipulate for his own personal gains.

It was also heavily implied that for the most part it wasn’t even necessary for the gang to continuously collect huge amounts of money he insisted upon. He constantly deceived his men into completing many unnecessary heists only to put them at risk in the guise of his own pleasure. In reality, it would've only taken at least one well planned heist to gain what Dutch persisted as his plan. Although there were times where I thought Dutch was obsessed with money as he talked about it so often, it suddenly dawned on me right around the climax of the story that Dutch was only concerned about keeping a group of yes men by his side, almost like having authoritative influences.

And to support his lead of manipulative abuse, he was a man of extravagance, chasing after fancy living and lifestyle. His apparel was sophisticated and fashionable for the time, maintaining a clean wealthy appearance and style. However, I still believe Dutch had more of a taste for high expenses rather than fashion unlike Javier. In this quote, “To find love, a Taurus has to travel the world, change perspective or make a shift in their entire belief system and their system of values”, I feel is very relevant to the status quo of Dutch's character relative to the structure of the story.

Although the quote may state that Taurus people will often do this by adapting into some sort of change or enhancement for the sake of love, this does not only apply to just romance. Love could also mean a purpose in life, acceptance or human consolidation, anything that may be valuable to the growth and/or purpose of that person.

Dutch is a traveling type. Regardless of having to move around due to the heinous crimes he’d committed, he was still an adventurous man. He was in a constant battle with his flaws, with his perception of the world, his beliefs and self worth, he often shifted around in his head, trying to find ways to suit his spiraling sanity. He was also into worldly philosophies which contributed to the traits of his personality. Perhaps he wanted something to believe in, himself. He liked to hear others opinions and thoughts in order to perfect his manipulative ways. He wanted to feel important and significant. However, he wanted to believe in human evolution but human evolution did not seem to agree with his "nature" as a hopelessly lost man.

He did not shift to change his ways as a man but to change his ways as a manipulative influence.

In order to stay level-headed, Tilly often challenged her realist views by rationalizing them in a more positive prospective. When things became difficult, she calculated her options with positive reasoning, an outlook that was still realistic but practical with a solution. I'd like to assume that Tilly was quite relatively young during the premises of the story, so while I still believe she is a Taurus, I also believe that her personality was still forming and it is difficult to say what her true beliefs and values were. However, through observation, she was still a very practical and somewhat materialistic type of person.

Dutch and Tilly were both more than willing to make room for what they’d find valuable for their own personal growth. Individually, Dutch wanted acceptance, praise and loyalty and Tilly wanted reason and purpose.

As I closed my eyes, I couldn’t help but to see a shining brilliant light unknown to the places that I’ve been

used to. Although It was beautiful, it nearly blinded me with its brightness. However, as if it somehow knew this, it dimmed its spectrums duller upon my eyes until I was able to see something entirely different, a view that I’ve never seen before. It was a beautiful evergreen field wide and spacious, covered with millions upon millions of short, sleek strands. I've never seen grass so serene before, its beauty beheld me. The bladed strands flowed so gracefully amongst a light breeze I could not feel myself. But anyone could tell it was there as the grass danced to its touch.

The field mounted small to wide rolls of hills as far back as a few hundred feet from my view. At the very end it met the soft end touches of the light blue sky, clear of any disturbances. Only cotton clouds scattered or clustered proudly in the sky blue void. There were no sounds, no birds, no sight of trees anywhere. It was the biggest, emptiest space I’ve ever seen. Except, it wasn’t really that empty. The grasslands and the clear sunny skies plundered my view, but for the perfection I was given, I could only wonder how much of this, if any, was even real. It was like a serene picture of a large field. It caught me off guard.

I thought about if this was what death would be like. Once I pass over, will I enter a world such as this? Something so beautiful that it simply could not be real? This wasn’t a dream. This was something I’d experienced. And although I wasn’t sure what anomaly I’d come about experiencing, I could pinch myself and feel nothing. This was paradise to me.

But suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

“Miss Lewis? Miss Lewis, it’s time for your medicine…”

I then opened my eyes only to see four empty blank walls. A dull room with no sunlight, the mellows of day light pathetically peeking through the uncovered windows and a tall, wooden clothes cabinet faced me. The nurse came into the room and handed me a small cup of water along with another cup of several various pills of sizes and colors. I had the audacity to become intimidated by her glares as I reluctantly rinsed down the poisons with the pitiful cup of tap water that she handed me. The mere stupidity intrigued me.

“You need to come out of your room and sit in the front with the others, we have to monitor you,” she then said after I finished the last pill and handed her back the empty cups.

I hated being intermingled with a group of strange people who could care less about knowledge or health. Most of them were severely hindered by their medications, others were not even well enough to be in the unit with us. It was for high functioning patients but yet, we were all treated like animals at the end of the day.

This would be the last chance I’d get to be alone for the day because as soon as I left out of the room, the nurse behind me closed the door and locked it shut with her key. I sighed and instead of joining the others up front, I decided to sit in the hallway next to my door against the wall. She didn’t care, she just wanted me out of the room and into their plain sight. I was no more suicidal than the rest of society who engaged in pointless activities that nevertheless ensured them of a shortened, premature life. The only difference was that I was just becoming restless with the wait.

There was nothing left for me to do in life, I was just getting tired. I found no joy in living anymore, dying was the next best thing for me. But unfortunately those nurses, perhaps, the unforeseen spying doctors, see more importance in the profiting of restraining control of my own life. It’s ironic how heaven and hell may look like places I’ve actually seen before. Maybe purgatory is something entirely new. Maybe there’s nothing at all. But one thing for sure is that, something is waiting to happen when sleep is so uncontrollably abundant. Regardless of death's nature, evil men will find a way to interfere with the natural cycles of nature and people like me will continue to suffer at their lack of mercy. I am no more a toy than a being with given rights.

As I sat quietly stuck in my own mind, I suddenly felt the need to turn and look down the short hallway. And there I suddenly saw a tall man standing secluded from the rest of the group, texting on his phone. Apparently, he was babysitting, but quite careless about what much a group of fully grown adults could do under a hypnosis of drug induced fatigue. He seemed as if he was trying to be exclusive about it though, its a no brainer to never casually use your phone during work hours. But I can’t imagine him not knowing that there’s cameras plundered all around this god forsaken place. He’s horrible with secrets if that’s the case. It was painfully obvious that he was not scrolling up and down under urgent pretenses.

He was caramel brown with long unruly locs and a homely beard. His body was a bit lean, not very muscular but nowhere near thick or no less thin either. He had a slight slouch due to his downward position to his phone.

He was a nurse.

In my perspective, I view these two situations very differently. Whether they are sanctioned in the same persona or are just individually professed, they are not the same precursor. They may take on similar traits and even share some of the same contributions of the causes, but the effects vary. Before I continue my thoughts though, I just want to say that I am in no means a psychologist nor am I a professional in any scientific field. I just love the topic and have a theory in just about everything scientific :)

Narcissism is when one seems to have a delusional fascination upon one’s self. Self loathing is when one has an intense detest upon one’s self. Despite the two very different definitions, people tend to combine them when describing someone who is very vain, rude, cynical, depressed, obnoxious, self-absorbent or otherwise, have an abnormal lack of self-perseverance. Someone who does repulsive and degrading things to themselves or towards others are not always either or both of these terminologies. To simply label or call someone of that extreme nature is border-lining into stereotypical territories. Its very important that society does not take certain behaviors so lightly, (although there seems to be no boundaries between what is to be taken seriously and what is not in this world of façade canonicals). However, there are some telltale signs of these personality disorders that are more unstable than just someone simply having a bad day.

Narcissism and self loathing are not traits, moods or emotions. They may result in these things as with any other disorder or illness, but that does not make it any easier for someone even with a degree to diagnose anyone. Regardless of their shared nature of being disorders, they are distinctively different no matter what social standards may misconstrue. 

Speaking of such, what are social standards? 

Social standards are conducted through psychological methods that can  influence collective thinking amongst large masses of people. This creates a universal rule of what is to be generally acceptable or not to the majority. Trends are good examples of this phenomenon, along with acknowledging factual affairs upon understanding the meaning behind what a fact is. Even with evidential hypothesizes, social standards can still be contradicting or downright ridiculous at times, especially when it comes to trends. When everyone starts agreeing on something that they have little to no knowledge about, only because its the “social rule” to believe such foolishness, the illusion of individual thoughts emerge. In this case, people may believe they are forming an individual opinion, but in reality, when something is a social standard, like the belief that depression is just sadness, the individuality stems from perception, not thought. 

The experience of witnessing narcissism and self loathing goes beyond accepting the connotations of what having low self esteem or high self esteem means. In fact, unlike the symptoms, characteristics of both psychologies are actually quite distinguishable. People who self loathe tend to have more pleasant personalities than those who are narcissistic. I am not going to generalize, but its best to look at the bigger ratio when it comes down to general observations. Self hatred often comes from a lack of confidence and acceptance. A person is more able to perceive things rather grimmer than usual and tends to be more appreciative than not. Self loathers can be shy and sensitive from the struggle of accepting insecurities and they’re often left with the scars of being able to face the harsh reality of life where most people try to avoid such a revelation.

Some people might even say those with low self esteem are miserable and depressing people. They hate others because they hate themselves. But being in a constant state of vulnerability and constantly having to battle with severe insecurities on a daily basis can seriously have an impact on someone’s mental health overtime. And in those moments, it can be quite humbling to appreciate the little things in life that may ease an otherwise burning desire for inner peace. Severe self loathing can sometimes genuinely create caring, compassionate people. Living in constant pain can create a unique ability to empathize with others differently than the average person. If anything, people in that much personal conflict might even believe that most people deserve love and care more than they ever will themselves. 

Narcissistic people, on the other hand, are the total opposite. In vanity, people can come off as being very egotistical and pretentious. But a narcissist is always self servant. They have a delusional sense of grandeur that can be very off putting and disturbing, believing as oneself of a god and the most important. Although its not quite the same as vanity, its similar enough to create a confusion between the two. Nevertheless, in their head, the world revolves around them. In worse case scenarios, they are manipulative, selfish and are even willing to commit outrageous or dangerous stunts for the pleasure of acknowledgement. In extreme cases, they are schizophrenic. Someone affluent in self serving behavior may exhaust symptoms of psychopathy or sociopathy. They either lack empathy, learn empathy or are completely apathetic to emotions. A lack of emotion usually means a lack of compassion. Unlike self loathers, they’re more concerned of themselves rather than to care for others. Unless they benefit from it, they remain deep within their own world.

But this all varies. Not all people who hate themselves are compassionate and not all narcissistic people are psychopathic manipulators. I can say that the level of grandeur that some may people have is quite interestingly bizarre. it seems that there are no limits to how conceited a person may become. Whether coming from good intentions of delusions or bad intentions of delusions, there is never enough room for other people’s significance. Its not always miserable living if all you care about is yourself, but loneliness can turn it that way. 

There are many reasons for why people can be so miserable. But to assume the reasons being of self loathing or narcissism is not an easy answer. Most people are miserable and unlikeable because they find that there are some parts of their life that they dislike. The human ego can be man’s greatest obstacle at times and is probably why most people are too stubborn to change their ways for their own good. The most humble people can sometimes come from a person with the lowest self esteem because their egos aren’t as inflated. But those who believe themselves to be better than thou are more than likely just egotistical in nature more than narcissistic.