we keep on running

HELLO! I AM HERE

well... sort of! i have decided to condense all my muses && start a new  blog instead! i have brought a majority of the muses here with me, but some have been dropped because i want to work on them more. that being said, if you have threads or plots, we can continue them! or if you’re passionate about a muse, i can also bring them over

           these feelings that he has for woojin, they’re new. no amount of ‘ experience ’ nor fantasizing had prepared him for this much fondness towards another person. he can’t believe he’s actually LIVING a moment in his life where he’s so comfortably  p e a c e f u l   next to another boy and then the boy is kissing him, setting his nerves on fire. jude can quite literally feel his nerves, in whatever bits of his nervousness still lingers whenever woojin’s around, exploding — the whole ‘ butterflies in your stomach ’ thing is real, there’s no ignoring them. and his heart. his poor heart is being  o v e r w o r k e d .  if he didn’t know woojin is the cause for his ache, jude would assume his young self to be on verge of a heart attack soon. 

when woojin’s lips caress his smile, unlike him, jude doesn’t hesitate to kiss back. hand reaches for his face with closed eyes, and in the darkness of his mind, his fingers gently lay on his neck.

the last thing he wants is for this pureness that he shares with woojin to be  t a i n t e d. tainted by the unwelcome hatred and /  or the much-appreciated support of others. he doesn’t want the dream he’s living in to end. everything about right now is amazing, and REALITY threatens it. there’s too much good in them, and maybe it’s because they’ve kept it secret for so long that no outsider has had their turn to sway them. they’re natural.

it’s getting to a point where it hurts to even be away from him for a matter of minutes, let alone the few hours they need to spend away, for classes. yes, this relationship is putting a  s t r a i n  on his education, but THE WONDERS it’s been doing to his wellness are beyond jude’s own understanding. sure, blame it on the hormones, hormones and a couple more hormones. all he knows is that no amount of pills alone have worked as well as woojin is working out for him. and the side-affects are more than just manageable. the likelihood of addiction ? oh, it’s there. but it’ll be worth it.

he pulls away to catch his breath, but only barely so that as jude lays beside him, their faces are aligned. with their bodies intertwined, he’s back at it, admiring every little detail of his perfect face. it’s getting borderline-creepy, but good grief, he hasn’t really noticed how attractive he really is — that’s not entirely true, he has been drawn to woojin for a while, but jude is only noticing the intricacies of his aesthetic appeal just now. “ you’re very attractive, ”  he suddenly remarks, and then lets out a small chuckle after realization strikes. 

“ — I’m such an embarrassment… I’m so obsessed with you, and how good you are to me, how good you are FOR me, and how much you mean to me. it’s so much for me to handle. I don’t know half the things I say when I’m around you… ” he bites his lip in wonder, eyes fixated on him. “ what are you doing to me, woojin sim ? ” his fingers slowly reach into his hair and his fingers gently, carefully rumble and tumble in short strands as jude moves to rest his forehead against his.

     it's silly, woojin  knows,  but  for  that ｓｐｌｉｔ　ｓｅｃｏｎｄ  after he kisses      jude, he wonders if he'll  kiss  back.  he  questions  if  jude really wants him, as if      the ʟᴏɴɢ ɴɪɢʜᴛs they've spent, the  𝓆𝓊𝒾𝑒𝓉  𝒽𝑜𝓊𝓇𝓈  hidden  away  in  the  library      meant ＮＯＴＨＩＮＧ . as  if  there  were  a  whole other audience out there that      jude was showing his 𝒶𝒻𝒻𝑒𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 off to—because the idea that woojin himself      was the intended audience never occurred to him. he  always felt like a player in      someone else's game, someone who needed  to learn how to make ᴀᴄᴄᴏᴍᴍᴏᴅᴀ-      ᴛɪᴏɴs rather than being accommodated ｆｏｒ. 

     but as jude's hand  comes  to  a  rest  along  the  back  of  his neck, sending that      ᴇʟᴇᴄᴛʀɪᴄ ｓｈｉｖｅｒ up  woojin's  back, he can't think of anyone else who was      more concerned with his wellbeing  than  jude.  as  he leans into the kiss, sliding      his hand from jude's chin to ( cradle ) his  cheek,  he has never felt so [ seen ] as      he has felt with jude—&& for once it doesn't  feel  like a VULNERABILITY. for once,      he w a n t s someone to see him, bare but ｔｒｕｅ . it's a longing that he's had      for a ʟᴏɴɢ ᴛɪᴍᴇ, but it was only now that he felt safe enough to make it a reality.

     he doesn't even realize that he's out of  breath  until jude pulls away—much like      how he doesn't realize how much he 𝓷𝓮𝓮𝓭𝓼 jude until they're not together any-      more. woojin has no clue when  it  happened,  how  jude  had so ｑｕｉｅｔｌｙ      worked his way into being such a  fundamental part of his life. but as ᴅᴇᴘᴇɴᴅᴇɴᴛ      && C R A Z Y as that sounds, he  wouldn't  have it any other way—it wasn't as if      most people thought that he was ＯＮＥ of those things already, anyway. but at      least it was on his terms ғᴏʀ ᴏɴᴄᴇ;; many things seemed to be on his terms once      it came to jude.

     it's why he doesn't even find it S T R A N G E when jude's gaze lingers on him—      because woojin's own gaze is looking back  at  him.  woojin had never been one      for ᴇʏᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀᴄᴛ, partly because of the way he  was RAISED, partly because of his      ᴄ ʀ ɪ ᴘ ᴘ ʟ ɪ ɴ ɢ 𝓈𝒽𝓎𝓃𝑒𝓈𝓈, but with jude, it felt good.  with jude, having him focus      on him—it reminded him that he had something worth ANCHORING him here. that      life didn't have to feel like he was ｅｔｅｒｎａｌｌｙ  trapped in the spin cycle      of a washing  machine,  his  colors  left  to  slowly ｆａｄｅ. he still went through      the same motions as before, but now it  was  PUNCTUATED by happy moments      like these && each motion brought him closer to jude every time.

        they both know they want to be here, beside each other and away from everything else they’re running from. one might consider they’re only locked away to hide from being found out. again, this would be running away from facing their true selves. but if you call this running, he’d love to be on the run for as long as woojin will let him. 

sometimes he wonders if they’re moving too soon, fearing that if they burn too bright, they’ll burn out just as soon. but after letting months pass and feelings pent up, they were hardly moving too quickly. his frame of time is questionable with a proper reference, but for two boys both shy in their own ways, fast is probably still  s l o w. how did they end up here ? with both of them being as shy as they are, it was difficult for jude to take that first step and he feared to be turned down the entire time—still worries, to be honest. 

there’s no denying that there’s something I n v i g o r a t i  n g about challenging his overwhelmed and insecure self, and confronting his fears,  ESPECIALLY when the results are as rewarding as woojin himself. he enjoys taking the lead with woojin, and adores how shy the other can get ( when he hates that about himself ). he’s willing to GROW out of his shell. he craves intimacy as though he was deprived of it all his life, which is only partially true and mostly so because he rejected it every chance he got. with all the flaws he bags, it still strikes him as a surprise that he, jude kane, can make someone feel the way woojin does. 

as he lays there beside him, he still can’t seem to get him off his mind. “ it is. ” good doesn’t even come close to describing this, to describe them. this moment they’re in now, woojin’s arm around jude, their heads so close next to each other that even the slightest turn of his head would make jude’s nose brush against his forehead– the best part is that jude is comfortable being so close to someone else. “ are you good ? ” he doesn’t know why he’s whispering, but he does so anyway as a way to maintain the sanctity of their quiet place. 

furthermore, he also doesn’t know why asks that of him. just that jude doesn’t want to impose his own feelings on woojin so that they become something he is obliged to reciprocate. “ are you enjoying the blanket fort ? ”  more importantly, is he enjoying sharing the space with jude ? — he knows the answer, he can see it in how relaxed he is too, but is it so bad that jude wants to hear him say it out loud and enjoy being praised ?

     no matter if jude thinks they're moving too FAST or too ｓｌｏｗ, woojin doesn't      know better—this is all he has &&  in  this  very  moment,  it's all that he WANTS.      && maybe that's ＮＡＲＲＯＷ－ＭＩＮＤＥＤ of  him, but he doesn't care: to be      LOVED is new to him, to be W A N T E D like this  was new to him. since he was      just a teen—well, of course he had his own r o m a n t i c fantasies. but they had      always been just that to him: fantasies.  &&  as fantasies go, he felt like the ᴜɢʟʏ      ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛᴜʀᴇs, not deserving of love && always  on the ( outside ). jude was the first      to  show  him  that  love  might  be  possible  for  him  &&  to  woojin,  that meant     ｅｖｅｒｙｔｈｉｎｇ.

     so if jude was insecure in this  relationship—if  either  of  them  were, woojin had      long since passed that concern. && who  wa s he? to leave ᴡ ᴏ ʀ ʀ ʏ behind? he      doesn't know—but it must be the n e w  person  who  also  felt so comfortable in      𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 now. he feels like he should  question  that  comfort, to wonder if this was a     ｃａｌｍ  before  a  STORM.  but  for  the  first  time,  he  doesn't focus on all the      things that could go  W R O N G  :  he's  preoccupied  with all the things that are      going right, right now. && he knows, in the back of his head, he's waiting for the      other shoe to drop—but he keeps  on  ( focusing )  on  jude  && all the 𝓼𝔀𝓮𝓮𝓽      things to say because, for once, it's the ｅａｓｉｅｒ thing to do.

     woojin's smile ｂｒｉｇｈｔｅｎｓ when jude says that he's good because even      if it goes without saying,  he,  like  jude, likes  to h e a r the praise. it was such a      ʀᴀʀᴇ ᴛʜɪɴɢ in his life as it was, that he wanted it as much as he could get it—just      as he wanted 𝓉𝑜𝓊𝒸𝒽 as often as he could && jude  gave  him both without reser-      vation && without conditions. he  tilts  his  head  toward jude, letting his forehead      brush  his  nose  as  he  nods. “  i like it here.  ” ( 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽  𝓎𝑜𝓊 ) “  it feels safe.  ” a     ｔｈｒｏｗａｗａｙ sentence—but to  woojin  it  means EVERYTHING, because      he doesn't feel safe with just ANYONE, a n y w h e r e . ever since he got to this      campus, he's ᴘᴀɪɴsᴛᴀᴋɪɴɢʟʏ  carved  out  places for himself. but when he's with      jude, it feels like he'll be safe no matter where he goes.

decency… well, it should be classified a skill for the products of unforgiving conditions. [ not that he should RELY on such a backstory too long. he is a success story, after all ]. he’s certain she’s not convinced — a clear indication that he’s not dealing with someone who’ll  SURRENDER to the display of some tears. — maybe he should just face the FACT that he’s getting too old for a trick like that. besides, it was his shortcoming, that he assumed her  kindness  for a weakness. but who would’ve thought she’d give up on him so QUICKLY, only hours after sparing him a chance at life.

 it’s impressive how quickly she picked up on the kind of person he is & likened him to a stray cat— MONTY is precisely that. a stray only loyal while he’s FAMISHED, and the moment he’s sufficed, he’ll turn around and walk away. but there’s only so much he can follow from a cat’s guide to being stray before he uses his human brain and cleans up his ACT. at least, for this particular miss. — equal parts of beauty & the brains, if monty’s any smart, he won’t double cross HER. someone without a gun wouldn’t flaunt it, so if he’s even the least bit CLEVER, he’ll  b e h a v e. “ i won’t let you down, ” he proudly announces, cradling an OPTIMISM that hasn’t seen the light of day since… well, earlier that morning. he can’t promise that he won’t piss her off, since he’s unaware of her threshold for some lighthearted foolishness yet, but he’ll make an effort.

happiness doesn’t sate the appetite though, he still needs fuel for his body & his stomach makes no delay to g r u m b l e  in a low [ & not to mention, embarrassing ] protest. “ sorry, miss, i appreciate all you’ve done for me already. but I’m afraid i have another question… would now be terrible timing to confess that I’m hungry ? ” absolutely  f a m i s h e d.

     monty could  have  tried  the  angle  of  a  BAD CHILDHOOD  as a reason for his      ɪ ɴ ᴅ ᴇ ᴄ ᴇ ɴ ᴄ ʏ, but dieu would have shot back with her own T R A G E D I E S .      she's ｐａｔｉｅｎｔ && understanding—but  only  to  a ＰＯＩＮＴ . this world      had proven over && o v e r again that it will  take  ᴀᴅᴠᴀɴᴛᴀɢᴇ of kindness;; it was      a fact not even spared for ( family ), as her  own  UNFORGIVING c o n d i t i o n s      have taught her. && from where she was  sitting,  it  seemed like  monty was very      much a child of that very world—the  world  that  dieu  tried  to ( p r o t e c t ) her      community from.

     which is why she's still ᴜɴᴄᴇʀᴛᴀɪɴ  about  her  decision  to let monty in: it felt like      letting a DISEASE into her home, a TROJAN HORSE full of soldier. but monty isn't      even a ｇｉｆｔ to her: he's ʙ ᴀ ᴅ ,  through  && through && the only reason she      can think of wanting to  [ keep ]  him  around  was  a  MORBID fascination ( just      how B A D can he get? just how ｑｕｉｃｋｌｙ can he get her to draw her gun      on him? ) . 

     no sooner had he tried to kiss her ass, though, promising not to disappoint, he's      right back to  DEMANDING  things  of  her.  already,  he's ｓｋｉｔｔｅｒｉｎｇ      over T H I N ice && he  seems  oddly  HELLBENT  on sliding right through a hole.      had it not been for the fact that dieu was afraid t his one m i s t a k e would spell      the end to her community, she might even find his ability to so e a s i l y return to      an ᴜ ɴ ᴇ ᴀ ʀ ɴ ᴇ ᴅ position of privilege a point  of  interest.  but at this point, she's      just trying to do some D A M A G E control.

         after pushing together some of his furniture and building a half-hearted attempt at a FORT, he lays beside woojin. under the blanketed roof, he’s curled up on his side, head propped upon sandwiched palms, from where he quietly admires the other. soft music plays in the background, and he’s enjoying the CALM after the long day had taken it out of him, but most of all, jude is appreciative of getting this, whateverLITTLE time he can spend with woojin in the chaos of their tangled, t e e m i n  g academic lives.  

he watches quietly. the steady rising and falling of his chest and the landscape of woojin’s profile ( one worth studying so closely, by the way ). every climb, every dip, from his forehead to his chin. and maybe he’s is burning holes into the side his head with how hard he’s been staring, but it makes woojin turns onto his side to face him, which is a WIN for the ever eager ‘ attention monopolizer. ’ woojin even spoils him by assuming a similar position and giving him a full view of his face. his already softened features BLOSSOM an expression that jude can only loosely translate to acurious ‘ what ? ’ an unspoken question, to which he responds to with a small, cautious smile that surfaces to his lips with a soft-spoken “ nothing. ”

and then when he least expects it, woojin’s hand reaches out ever so slowly, so  G E N T L Y towards him; he doesn’t flinch and allows him. his cheeks warm up almost immediately to his touch and it prompts a yearning for woojin, even when he’s RIGHT THERE, right next to him. slowly but surely, jude is coming to terms with the magnitude of his feelings, and he can’t even BEGIN to fathom them. all he knows is that he wants this feeling to last, and hold onto it for as long as he can.  

jude can’t take his eyes off him and leans into his warm palm, even when he’s TICKLISH to to his cold fingertips. but that doesn’t stop him from kissing those very fingers when he gets the chance to. this time, jude’s expression reflects an equally curious ‘ what ? ’, to which woojin responds with a silent answer hidden somewhere behind his g l o w i n g smile. to this, jude moves closer & kisses him before settling to lay comfortably CLOSER to him, compared to the arm’s span at which he was before.

–– –– he wonders, if they can ( please ) just stay in their blanket fort for the rest of eternity.

     when was the last time that woojin had done  s o m e t h i n g like this? he can't      remember—might  not  even  say  he  ever  HAS .  his  guardians had never been      ᴇᴀɢᴇʀ to indulge in his i m a g i n a t i o n ;;  they  ᴅ ᴇ ᴀ ʟ ᴛ  with it, but they were      ready for him to start to learn.  for  every  picture  book that he had, they tried to      slip a  WORKBOOK  in,  as if he wouldn't notice that he was doing m a t h instead      of reading a ( story ). but after enough BERATING && IMPLORING, woojin supposed      that anyone would eventually succumb && give themselves over to academics.

     so when jude  asked  him  if  he  had  ever  built  a  ＦＯＲＴ out  of  blankets, he      blushed && said ɴᴏ, he had never  done  it  before—but he was e a g e r to learn.      there were so ｍａｎｙ  things  that  he  had  started  to  learn  from  jude  &&, of      course, it had been fun to but it  also  reminded  woojin just how small his life had      been before. part of it had been ( sᴇʟғ-ɪᴍᴘᴏsᴇᴅ ) : the DIFFICULTY of getting out      of bed, the f e a r of intimacy ( if he was going to be honest ) . but his own family      had kept his world a bit small, keeping his  nose  turned down to books—though      looking back now, woojin  wonders  if  they  had  done it on PURPOSE or it was a     ｃｏｎｓｅｑｕｅｎｃｅ of the values they themselves were raised on.

     he  doesn't  want  to  think  about  that,  though,   &&   despite  expecting  to  be      a n x i o u s  about the ᴘᴏssɪʙɪʟɪᴛʏ  of  the  blanket  falling on his head, he felt—     ｐｅａｃｅｆｕｌ. it's  one  of  those  rare  things  for him to feel, but he's finding      that he can associate that feeling more && more with jude.

     speaking of jude, he can most  d e f i n i t e l y  feel his eyes on him—though he      doesn't look at first, more  shy  than  anything. but then he's turning over to face      him && he can't say for sure what moves  him  to,  but he reaches out to run his      fingers along his cheek. he  feels  a  ｓｈｉｖｅｒ  run  up  his  spine when jude      leans into his touch—&& he knows that he wants to be here. they both do.

         “ fine, ” he lies as well, giving him a quick sideways glance before he tries to STARE at his laptop screen again while not really soaking in any information.  jude picks up one of woojin’s sticky notes and proceeds to MESSILY scribble ‘ ע૦υ Ր૯ ८υ੮૯ ’ with his left hand as his dominant hand is quite busy holding onto woojin’s. he then neatly peels and presses the little yellow square into his notebook.

ah, to be young and in love. jude very never attached to the prospect of being such a CLICHE, but he can quite  h o n e s t l y  get used to it. there really is an innocence to their heavily guarded SECRET and it’s the privacy of their   f o r b i d d e n   romance that lets him enjoy every bit of it. this being woojin’s first relationship puts a lot of pressure on the more seasoned ( well, he’s not THAT experienced, but still ) beau – he doesn’t want to let him down. but it’s assuring to know that he’s not the only one ENJOYING this. 

“ i lied, i can’t focus, ” he clarifies, promptly closing down the screen and laying his head on his computer, looking in the other’s direction. “ do you need any help with functional neuroanatomy ? ” he reads off the t h i c k  textbook spine. 

     it definitely  takes  one  to  know  one—so  woojin  definitely  knows  that  jude is      l y i n g , too. but he doesn't mind because,  as  it  always seems to be, they're in      the same boat. it's a rare thing to share  really  a n y t h i n g with another person,      so even a little white lie like this one is enough to make him smile.

     he watches curiously as jude takes one of his post-it notes to scribble something      on it—with his NON-DOMINANT  hand,  woojin  notes.  he  tries  to peer around his      hand the whole time to figure out  what  he's  trying to write—only to find himself      ʙʟᴜsʜɪɴɢ when he sees it.  he  sinks  a  little  more  into  his  hand, though open-      palmed,  he's  just  trying  to  hide  his  ｐｉｎｋ　ｃｈｅｅｋｓ   from  everyone      around them.

     he runs his finger around the little yellow square a  couple times, at first consider-      ing it && then just firmly STICKING IT  onto  the  page. it'll be a nice thing to look at      when things inevitably get ᴛᴏᴜɢʜ for him, a pleasant s u r p r i s e when he had to      open his notebook for one of his hardest classes.

           a better question, is there anything he ISN’T he running from ? it’s one of the few things he was good at– how about we put   T H A T   down for a skill ? long story short, “ i double-crossed a… colleague. violated some rules. ” believe it or not, he didn’t enjoy taking ACTUAL risks; engaging in activity that will get him noticed is not his forte unless he’s   d e s p e r a t e.  when ‘ the leader ’ asked him to protect the contraband, monty was BORED, not desperate. it was an easy way to make some bank and more relevantly, spike up the good old adrenaline. 

how is he going to sell himself as L I K E A B L E when he doesn’t know what classifies as GOOD anymore. FUCK.  think monty, think !  “ I don’t lie ! ” he’s relieved to announce. “ and when i do it’s only if i ABSOLUTELY need to. ” why did this feel so much like he was filling out some kind of recruitment form ? apart from that he has a less than impressive list of skills that sharing would do more harm than benefit, but it made the thought process easier. “ i’m quite adaptable, can lift some weight – don’t let my height fool you, ” monty stifles a laugh as he struggles to define himself. 

OH– “ and i [ never ] leave debts unsettled. so if you do this for me, i will LITERALLY, in every sense of the word, owe you my life. ” 

     it feels like a recruitment form because it is: if  monty wants somewhere to STAY,      dieu wasn't going to hand it out like c a n d y to a baby. she wasn't a c h a r i t y:      she had a community to manage && resources were already ｓｃａｒｃｅ ( what      with some ɴᴇɪɢʜʙᴏʀs being less  d i p l o m a t i c  than others ) — so if she was      going to let someone in,  she  has  to  know  that  it'll be WORTH it. && so far, he      wasn't able to follow the simple command  of  fuck off && don’t come back. so      things aren't looking g r e a t .

     the fact that his proposed résumé  is  about  promising how l o y a l he is starting      to play pretty ＰＯＯＲＬＹ in dieu's book—especially  since he's here in the first      place because he couldn’t be loyal.  none  of  this  is  sitting well with her && her      eyes flicker back up to the clock  again,  knowing  that she has to make a choice      soon. he's already spent too much of her  time.

     at the very least though, dieu will  admit  that  he  seems rather a m u s i n g . it's      not a very ｐｒｏｄｕｃｔｉｖｅ skill, but at this point, throwing him out feels like      tossing out a many street  cat:  a  terrible  addition  to the house, but one way or      another, it will find a crack in your window to c r a w l through. better, at this point,      to keep tabs on it, than wait for it to do just that && DESTROY something valuable.

           this particular camera, his first and favourite, was rescued out of one of his brothers’ boxes in the attic. when he was the only child living at home, he got to spend more time exploring his family through their things. the dining room was the only place they all gathered as ONE, but jude cannot recall a  s i n g l e  decent conversation that didn’t pertain to politics, school or what the neighbours’ kids were up to. – funny how that’s a universal experience, HILARIOUS: kids learning to determine their worth based on how well their competition fared ; not on ones own accomplishments, but on their failures.

there are so many stories that old boxes will tell you better than the people themselves. and now his own boxes have joined the lot. as much as he tries to recall, he can’t remember what secrets he has left behind for someone else to discover. he’s mostly worried about the box of scraps and old photographs that he seems to have LOST just before he could pack them up. nothing too concerning, except for if it gets into the wrong hands. some ripped out journal entries – not  ‘ much. ’

he isn’t as skilled as his more talented brother, but maybe the reason why he obsessed with cameras so much was that roman would BOND with him over his curiosity. one simple question turned into a full blown obsession when he was rewarded with a sibling’s attention. if he got lucky, roman would even ask him to tag along so he can hold up reflectors. the only time jude, or any of his brothers bonded with each other, was over their father’s  d i s a p p r o v a l. such as things that are not REAL jobs, like photography and clinical counseling.

What was it that he said about counselors? The lunatics that parents send their kids to when they go ‘ out of control. ’ A jab at his own son’s dossier of psychiatric evaluations. so naturally, the MORE that senator kane hated it, the more jude wanted it. the camera meant so much to him for many reasons, but most of all, it  was a symbol of his brother’s defiance, one that he looked up to. there was some sentimental value to his possession, but jude was barely letting go of it. he trusted woojin enough to let him borrow it, try it out. that’s better than it collecting dust.

       “ you wouldn’t be taking away much from me. besides, i’m just loaning it to you, like how you’d borrow a library book. ”

woojin might be one of the only few people he GENUINELY enjoys the company of ( even in their shared silence ) and trusts without any reservations. none that he can think of, anyway. there’s no specific reason why, if he’s asked to explain, and he can’t simply fall back on the reasoning that it’s a trust built over years of knowing each other. but maybe it’s woojin’s own confidence in him that he feels equally obliged to return ? why else would a timid guy like woojin return to jude ? he’s a barely decent advisor who’s only capable of doing the bare minimum JUST so he can keep his own boat afloat. He’s good at his job, but not astounding. a lack of  j u d g e m e n t   in the way he’s so trusting around him is ENOUGH. there is no malice in woojin’s intentions as far as he can tell. It’s the younger one’s simplicity and sincerity, maybe even his RESERVEDNESS that draws jude to him and adds to the trust.

but there’s an impending sense of DOOM looming over him. he’s expecting for woojin to become disappointed in him because of how  s m o o t h l y   this is all going. just the natural course of how things usually go.  “ – but you absolutely don’t have to accept the offer if you don’t want to ! ” he doesn’t want to impose. another warm sip of his drink to wash down the fear of an inherited skill of exploiting, before it snowballs into an anxious, nagging thought. “ If you’re more comfortable with your own camera, that’s fine too. ” and another sip. “ maybe you can show me how to find a good subject to photograph, some time ? ”

     though the two of them got  along  to  say  the  least ( which is to say, if they were      ᴠᴇɴɴ ᴅɪᴀɢʀᴀᴍs, their circles would be  completely ｏｖｅｒｌａｐｐｅｄ ) , it was      strange to think that their histories had little in common. from all the ᴀ ʙ ɴ ᴏ ʀ ᴍ ᴀ ʟ      psychology that  woojin  has  studied  ( maybe in a DESPERATE journey to under-      stand himself ;; ) it felt like h i s t o r y  && GENETICS were the strongest factors in      determining how  messed up  you turned out. 

     but they seemed to have little in  common:  jude  had siblings to compete with, to      try to OUTSHINE whereas jude wished that he could  just ｄｉｓａｐｐｅａｒ so      his  guardians  would  stop   talking   about   him,  to  him.  for  every  dinner  that      ＤＥＶＯＬＶＥＤ into a DEBATE  for  jude,  it  was  another  one eaten in relative      s i l e n c e . he barely remembered his aunt  && uncle speaking to each other &&      even less to him—especially if it  wasn't  about  ʀᴇᴘʀɪᴍᴀɴᴅɪɴɢ him or exhaustedly      asking him  when  he'd   stop  ｗｏｒｒｙｉｎｇ  them  so  much.  even  their at-      tempts to get h e l p  were  different—though,  admittedly,  they  seemed  to have      been BOTCHED either way: jude  with TOO MUCH && woojin with too little. in either      sense, it felt as if in the  P A C H I N K O  of  life,  no matter what pegs the two of      them hit on the way down, all the categories were the same.

     but maybe to say that they were  ( S T U C K )  in  the  same slot wouldn't be very      reflective of the way that woojin felt about his  relationship with jude. they were no      more stuck together as two birds  making  nests  in the same tree or two foxes in      the same dens.  it's  where  they've  chosen  to  live,  making the best of the land-      scape before them. it's where  they're  h a p p y  &&  ( safe ), && woojin would say      that he's ｂａｒｅｌｙ  had  one  or  the  other  in his life. but meeting jude, being      able to spend time with him—yeah.  maybe  he  would  say that this is the closest      he's ever gotten to having ｂｏｔｈ .

   “ oh. well, ” he says, but the concept  of  b o r r o w i n g  is  familiar to him;; the li-      brary one of few ( safe places )  he's  carved  out  for himself on this campus, with      his job giving him some INSIGHT to the quietest && most secluded places to hide.    “ as long as you're sure, ” is  the  wording  that  he  decides  to  settle  on — a  little      ＷＩＳＨＹ　ＷＡＳＨＹ, but he likes it for  that  exact reason: it gives jude an out      if he needs it, it lets woojin feel like he's not being too DEMANDING. even so, he re-      sists the urge to make a  d o r k y  librarian  joke ( so when is the due date going      to be? )

     no sooner had he settled on what  to  say,  though,  it jude is also trying to BACK-      PEDAL && instead of finding it awkward  as  most  others  are apt to, woojin finds      himself—c o m f o r t e d , in some ways.  comforted to know that someone could      be just as unsure as him when it came to favors &&  asking for ＨＥＬＰ—when is      too much && too little? but  woojin  offers  a  small  smile,  mostly  hoping  to ease      jude's nerves without having to say TOO MUCH ( &&  picking the ᴡʀᴏɴɢ words in      the process—even if he feels like there's no such thing with jude ) .

   “ we can bring both? ” he offers as  what  he  hopes to be a happy medium. “ i can      bring my  dslr,  you  can  bring  your  35mm—we could... make a thing of it? ” the      words sound STRANGE coming out of his own mouth  ( who was he? thinking he      could  make  PLANS  &&  then ｓｔｉｃｋ  to  them? )  but—why not?  especially      since he liked spending time with jude so much as it was;;

    🌹*╱ before NOW, before 𝘾 𝘼 𝙄 𝘿,  reading was something that was for her  &        her ALONE. from an  (  𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚕𝚢 𝚊𝚐𝚎  )  reading had always been a way for her to      cope with her  L O N E L I N E S S. she would spend DAYS in complete silence      in her room, going through NOVEL after NOVEL  e s c a p i n g  to 𝕎 𝕆 ℝ 𝕃 𝔻 𝕊      far away from her own. but, living with CAID ; they had settled into this routine      where he ASKED  &  allowed her to share these 𝕎 𝕆 ℝ 𝕃 𝔻 𝕊  with him. 

     a  s m i l e  CREPT into her voice as he reached out to flip the page for her. the       𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎 gesture made her heart MELT. gosh, he made her heart  M E L T.      ❝  he turns toward it,   &   in that split second he realizes that he is in its path,      that there is no way he is going to be able to get out of its way. his hand opens      in surprise, letting the blackberry fall to the ground. he hears a shout, which may      be his own. the last thing he sees is a leather glove, a face under a helmet, the      shock in the man’s eyes mirroring his own. there is an explosion as everything      fragments.  &   then there is nothing.  ❞  placing her bookmark where she had      just stopped, odd colored hues lift to find his.  ❝  well, that’s a chapter.  ❞ 

     there's this  ｓｔｉｌｌｎｅｓｓ  that  comes  with  reading  that  caid  had never      been comfortable with—because his life was  one that was always on the MOVE.      his family itself might not have moved often, but he knew that he had to get good      at DODGING F I S T S—from his  father,  from  his brothers, from his mother;; to sit    ( s t i l l ) was to become a T A R G E T  &&  as sᴇʟғ-ᴅᴇᴘʀɪᴄᴀᴛɪɴɢ  as caid could get,      he had a SURVIVAL INSTINCT that kept him on the move.

     so  it's  never  something  he ＦＵＬＬＹ thinks  about (  he's  not  much  one  for      INTROSPECTION ) but it s a y s  something  that  he's  willing to sit beside juliet like      this—that he  hasn't  f l i n c h e d  since  they've  started  sharing  this  space to-      gether.

     though his eyes are on the page, he's l i s t e n i n g to juliet's voice—so when she      looks up at  him  &&  stops  reading,  he's  genuinely  surprised that the story has      ended.

     🌹*╱ half expecting him to  D I S A P P E A R  back through the window  &          into the apartment, she is  ( 𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚕𝚢 )  surprised when he decides to join        her in this  IDIOSYNCRATIC  little reading nook of hers.  ❝  oh! yeah, sure. ❞ 

      a bashful smile   &   𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵  blush touches her features. he  a l w a y s  seemed to       have that  EFFECT  on her          that butterflies in your stomach  &  your heart       racing kind of EFFECT. tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear,  eyes        find the page before her as she began to read aloud,  ❝  there are 158 footsteps       between the bus stop and home, but it can stretch to 180 if you aren’t in a hurry,       like maybe if you’re wearing platform shoes. i turned the corner onto our street       (68 steps), and could just see the house—a four-bedroom semi in a row of other       three- and four-bedroom semis. dad’s car was outside, which meant he had not       yet left for work…  ❞

     before N O W , before J U L I E T,  caid  can't  say  he was much of a reader. any      number excuses might be made ( a BAD HOME,  undeveloped ᴡᴏʀᴋ ᴇᴛʜɪᴄ, prob-      lems with ＡＵＴＨＯＲＩＴＹ ) but the fact of the matter remained that he would      sit &&  l i s t e n  to juliet read  for  days,  if  he  could.  he's  gone from a boy who      could hardly sit STILL to someone who  would  just listen to juliet read. she could      read the ingredients off of a box of ｃｅｒｅａｌ && he'd still be there.