Momento Mori

Recently, I've been feeling a kinship with something I'm calling the Void. A place where I no longer attach myself to human desires and I float in a sea of nothing. A complete detachment from humanity. It has become my religion in a way. I can no longer pray to a God. I can no longer find myself sufficient. Only the Void can offer eternal release. It is endless and consuming.

life is heating up. again. hurrah! so you all know what that means, blah blah blah.

current reasons:

the world is going to shit. fuck America

i have a boyfriend and it's freaking me out more than it's been fun

i still am very unemployed and savings are nearly gone

i am fat. obviously.

depression is eating me alive. but not in ways that at least make me aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

Viktor. you know why.

SO. yerp. i feel like i've been on this on again off again rodeo so many times i feel kind of bored with intros. so without further ado

Kinda sucks because I like the accountability of logging on here semi-publicly. But I might just use this as a motivation/vent space when I need it. Less for the actual logging.

Another thing is, I emotionally got back into this because I was stressed and I *wanted* to relapse. That's....not healthy obviously. It's a bad coping mechanism. It's one I've relied on for a long time but I'm genuinely tired of it. I miss being thin. I really do. I miss feeling in control. But, restriction hurts me in the long run. My metabolism is wrecked, I have heart issues I didn't originally, it's hurting me mentally....

I want to be better. Even when my gut instinct reaction is to hide away and starve. I need to ride the wave of wanting that and choose what's actually better for me.

I want to be healthy. Not just thin. *Strong.* I want to feel like I could dance for hours without needing to stop and rest too often. I want to try things like rock climbing or hitting an intense yoga pose.

So, still, I want to fast and focus on proteins. But I also want to make sure I'm getting enough nutrients so I have fuel to actually get muscles. Different goals, different ways of getting there, but in the end it's to feel good about myself.

I don't want it to be THE goal anymore. I want it to supplement my life and make the fun things MORE fun. At least that's how I'm seeing it now. My body is not the most important thing about me, no matter what size I'm at.

food:

coffee with creamer

a lemon brisk tea

8 mini chicken nuggets with chic fi la sauce

multiple Hershey kisses and m and ms

can of root beer

garlic ramen with green onion

a chicken patty

2 teriyaki dumplings

exercise:

beat saber 30 min

life summary:

cleaned fridge and did a bit of decorating. still haven't put the ornaments on because I keep getting told by my brother that he'll help and then he just....doesn't. I'll end up doing it myself anyway. 🙄

did a bit of beat saber. not too crazy tho.

kinda ate like shit. ate too much quantity wise and also too much candy. :(((

food:

coffee with creamer

lemon brisk tea

3 slices of pizza

bottle of pibb

glass of eggnog

exercise:

6,784 steps (much better)

life summary:

spent all day prepping the house for decorating by cleaning. then grabbing the decoration boxes and trying to motivate myself to actually put stuff up. I hate that everything i want to do has to have so much mental effort behind it anymore. :((( But I did it!

spent some time with boyf in VR! did a little world hopping and had a good convo. Being more open with myself and him about what I like about him and our relationship. Trying to see the good and go with the flow. I feel better about things. He's honestly so supportive and down for chill stuff. Makes me feel good.

FINALLY put up the tree (we use a fake one). Still have lights strewn about and we'll worry about the ornaments later, but we're getting closer. Again, why the mental block this year? I love the Christmas decorations, I just hate that its felt like a chore for the last few years. But I watched The Santa Claus to motivate me and it worked. :)

ate pizza. I feel good about today. yes pizza is unhealthy and I didn't do a workout like I planned. but I ran around the house doing chores which counts I think. (Yo I'm on my period too so I'm proud of how much I managed to do WITH that alone. Go me. )

My brother gave me an early Christmas present! It's a book I've really wanted forever. So excited to delve into it. 💗

food:

coffee with creamer

few bites of leftover burger

2 boiled eggs with soy sauce

chocolate peppermint ice cream

loads of buttered popcorn

3 egg salad sandwich

exercise:

1,901 steps :(((

daily summary:

spent a lot of time journaling and planning for the new year

did more shopping for gifts though I'm still not satisfied with the results. nothing feels good enough and I feel bad my ideas seem to be halted this year. filled with guilt at underperforming something that should be a selfless act. :(((

watched the boyf do a stream. was nice to hear him even in the background while I did other things

food:

coffee with creamer

2 peppermint marshmallows

two peanut brittle

an egg with soy sauce

popcorn

medium root beer

bacon burger

cheese curds

exercise:

4,909 steps

30 min Beat Saber

life summary:

watched a bunch of queer eye with mom :3

did a good chill morning routine

Set up a new workout routine (won't even lie it's because I was listening to the season two Arcane soundtrack and remembered Vi's muscles existed. Will I achieve that as a 5'2 person? Probably not but it's motivation.)

watched War of the Rohirrim with fam in theatres! Not maybe the best thing I've ever seen, but had a good time. Especially since we don't go out to physical theatres much at all. I got a special popcorn bucket :))

food:

coffee with creamer

breakfast burrito

two donut holes

some peppermint marshmallows

leftover burger

some peanut brittle

exercise:

2,694 steps

life summary:

had a chill morning routine

spent time writing out ideal routines

spent time with boyf (about four hours)

spent time with fam

played video game with brother

opened a hello kitty lol surprise and got kuromi HELL YEAH MY GOTH GIRL! the one I wanted:3

food:

breakfast sandwich

large iced coffee

a donut hole

a bit of a breakfast burrito

bacon cheeseburger

a medium fanta

fries

chicken fries and sauce

slice of Hershey pie

exercise:

beat saber

6,149 steps

life summary:

felt sad AND frazzled. not a good combo

mistakenly secretly ordered breakfast through door dash AND then my brother suggested door dash for dinner. :(((

had a breakdown. but then hung out with a friend and felt better. we'll be hanging out tonight too. :)

still thought seriously about breaking up with boyf, but talked myself down by saying let him make an actual mistake first before I panic and run. I can leave whenever, it's not time wasted, and even if it hurts, we'll hopefully both have learned more about being in a healthy relationship.

food:

coffee with creamer

bowl of garlic ramen

16 mini chicken nuggets with sauce

mtn dew

cup of cocoa with marshmallows

half a PB and j

exercise:

barely moved and watch was charging for most of the day but 2,049 steps anyway

life summary:

no migraine but mentally feel like shit. debating breaking up again with the boyf. it's just too much and I give up.

did some chores at least so I'm useful I guess

mindlessly played pocket camp and Roblox. I don't even think it was fun, it's just something to do.

food:

a microwave pasta meal

two chocolate chip cookies

exercise:

didn't wear watch so???

life summary:

food:

large cup of coffee with peppermint creamer

1/2 bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon

half glass of eggnog

two devilled eggs

slice of roast beef

bowl of garlic ramen

exercise:

3,207 steps

daily summary:

watched the rest of gravity falls with the boyf

did a little bit of animal crossing pocket camp

food:

large coffee with creamer

large decaf with creamer

slice of chicken pizza

can of lemon brisk tea

three more slices of pizza :(((

a tall glass of eggnog

exercise:

2,536 steps :(((

daily life summary:

made a Christmas list of things to do (hoping to feel that Christmas spirit)

watched kdrama with mom (only here and there)

bought and started animal crossing complete! it's been really fun and freeing without micro transactions this time (ok like straight up addicted now)

reblogged a bunch of Christmas stuff on one of my main blogs

changed the wallpaper on my laptop. peanuts Christmas on my locksreen and a fancy wallpaper engine one with lights that follow my mouse

freezing cold all day lmao

researched act and social anxiety therapy (especially agoraphobia related)

messaged the boyf and we're watching a show tomorrow and hanging out :3

was supposed to go to a Christmas tree lighting but the weather was too awful and there was too many people :((

played a ton of random Roblox worlds including one where you're just a cute lil cow and I'm obsessed

food:

large coffee w/ creamer

3 boiled eggs with salt

a bag of buttered popcorn

4 glasses of starry :((

3 slices of pizza

two chocolate chip cookies

exercise:

6,330 steps

daily life summary:

watched Sabrina Carpenter's Nonsense Christmas special! loved it and definitely needed the dose of Christmas fun. 🩷

ordered papa murphy's. not the best decision but proud of stopping as soon as I was satisfied instead of forcing myself to eat everything I grabbed. filling up on popcorn ahead of dinner was a perfect strat.

played Roblox Royale high properly for the first time because I am in desperate need of comfort right now. was extremely confused and lost but it feels like everything my little five year old self would have adored. will probably play again.

hung out with family. watched a bit of the kdrama mom was watching and discussed childhood favorite books with my brother. felt good to be with people who, even tho they annoy me the majority of the time, they DO know me inside and out. it feels good to have someone understand a past so specific that it's hard to explain to other people. shared trauma bond let's goooo lmao

getting more in the Christmas spirit. reminded myself (as I've had to do in recent years) that the spirit is what we create at this age, so if I want to feel it, I have to cultivate it myself. with that in mind, I've been listening to music, brainstorming gift shopping, using a Christmas mug, and thinking about rewatching a cozy show. nostalgia and family are the biggest elements of this season and I am determined to make it a good one despite my personal stresses.

food:

coffee with creamer

pumpkin muffin

popcorn

a handful of pork rinds

4 boiled wggs

A packet of garlic ramen

exercise: