the end and the beginning
This is a letter - not to my followers - but mostly to myself. A goodbye letter to the old me. Final closure of a book I am finished with.
I can’t remember exactly when I started using Tumblr; but I know at some point in my life I was on here every single day. And now I haven’t been on here for months. Back then, using Tumblr was a part of me. While I unintentionally started to be more and more absent from here, I outgrew the ‘me’ I used to be almost entirely. I was insecure, dependent and I couldn’t be alone. I was not happy at all. I compared myself to everyone else. I hated my body and myself. I felt the need to destruct myself because I had no idea who I was, or where I belonged. Long list short - I was in a bad place. But it wasn’t all sad and negative. I was in a relationship that helped me through the most of the days. I will never deny that the relationship was good, or loving, or supportive. It was lovely. I got in the relationship at a point in my life where I was in constant search for my ‘true’ self, and that’s when I got lost. In most relationships you see that the two, for example, use the same terms when they talk. People take over habits when they are together very often. The same happened with me. I started to like the same music. I started wearing the same type of clothes. I thought I was finally finding my personality. But I wasn’t. That wasn’t the real me because I never felt pretty. I didn’t feel happy often either. And that is no ones fault, because I couldn’t have known that back then. But after the break up I never listened to any of those songs. I never wore a male t-shirt ever again. That’s when I knew that all of that, wasn’t me. It was just the influence of someone I loved very deeply. After the breakup I felt completely lost. Because I lost the thing that I valued the most - but also because I lost the person I thought I was. For a moment I didn’t know what music to listen to. I didn’t know whether to wear jeans or a skirt. It felt as I were in the greatest black hole I had ever been, and maybe I was. But thank god I experienced that. Because that was when I started to develop the real me. For the first time I chose for recovery from all that was negative. I never self harmed after that. I started seeing a psychologist again. I quit studying. I quit using Tumblr. And that was the end, but also the beginning: and slowly everything got better, step by step. I started a new job. I developed new friendships with colleagues. I started wearing the type of clothes I first thought they were just for ‘pretty girls’. I discovered my very own taste in music. I applied for a new studies at a different university. I started going out more. My confidence grew. I started to come out of my shell and I discovered that the way how I feel about myself is the most important thing because it reflects back at the people around me. Back when I didn’t like myself, no one seemed to like me. But as soon as I started to like myself I noticed that people reacted to that. I believed in myself. And that what is it all about. Believing in myself. Having confidence in myself. Loving myself. I managed to drag myself out of a hole, and because of that I am no longer in doubt of myself. I know I can manage to do (almost) everything I want. I know I can survive the most horrible sadness. Of course I am still insecure. I still feel sad sometimes. I’m still afraid I will always know the numbing pain of being depressive, even if it’s just a small piece somewhere in the back of my mind. But I am not completely depressed anymore because I finally found myself. And although I still have so much to discover about me; I know myself. And most important of all: I am happy with myself. I love my life. And that is all I wanted to achieve. The ‘Tumblr-me’ is officially history. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about that time anymore. I still wish I could talk to people from that space of time. I still care. I am still thankful for everything I mentioned. But as the real me. Finally as the real me. This is closure to the old me. Goodbye to Tumblr. Therefore, this will be my last post on Tumblr ever. Goodbye.
