The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.
Your โI donโt need anyone, Iโll just do it all myselfโ conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.
From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.
From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.
From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.
From all the situations when someone told you โweโre in this togetherโ or โI got youโ then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.
From all the lies and all the betrayals.
You learned along the way that you just couldnโt really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.
Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.
You learnt: if I donโt put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I wonโt have to be disappointed when they donโt show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?
You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.
Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.
So, you donโt trust anyone.
And you donโt trust yourself, either, to choose people.
To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.
โNever again,โ you vow.
But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth itโs your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.
Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.
Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.
Itโs a trauma response.
The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.
You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.
You are worthy to have someone say, โYou rest. I got this.โ And actually deliver on that promise.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy.
You donโt have to earn it.
You donโt have to prove it.
You donโt have to bargain for it.
You donโt have to beg for it.
You are worthy.
Worthy.
Simply because you exist.
-Jamila White, @inspiredjamila
