eatingricewithaspoon.

I’ve lost my reason to be here. The produce doesn’t excite me anymore. The limitations are frustrating. I am so depressed but I don’t know how to say it out because people expect me to be happy and grateful for what I have right now. The opportunity to be in this city and scene. But this isn’t what I want. I want stability, I want progression in my personal life and finances.

Our apartment’s flooring got messed up again. It’s been wrecked since July. I’m so tired of waiting for them to “fix” it. Only to have the pipes leak again and the flooring become mouldy. I really just want to go back to Singapore and continue my life there. Everything about this place makes me feel upset now.

But I’m not in any financial position to say no, I don’t want to carry on working here. I’m afraid of what my boss will say and I know that he will be empathetic to our situation.

It’s been three years since we’ve met. I tried to keep your lesson that you’ve taught me close to my heart, but somewhere through these years, I’ve forgotten what you’ve told me.

I remember it being about something like how I told you that I felt stuck in a cage, and you told me to see it from a different perspective.

I’m trying my best to remember your words, but they’re lost. I want to feel free again. I want to feel like I’m soaring, but I can’t let go of this sadness. I don’t know why.

Spite plants its seed in you Its roots etch deep into every inch of your being Soon your chest fills up like a hot water kettle Gushing upwards to the tip of your throat It fills your eyes, ears and blazes through your skin

You know what you’re saying, but nothing else matters at that moment, except for feeding your rage

Was it the girl who ran off her tongue? Was it them who did things to upset you? You gave and they took. You keep giving and they keep taking.

Why is it so hard to just walk away? Why is it so hard to just turn away?

You’re torn between cutting off the toxic cycle and knowing that it’ll happen to someone else

But maybe it’s not your battle to fight

They’ll learn some day Or maybe you’ll learn some day, that things eventually sort themselves out and not every problem is yours

Not every thing needs to be fixed by you

Is it so hard to be happy for them? When they’ve never been happy for you? Is it because you’re just making it about yourself and how you feel now?