anyhow I guess all I want to say is that the person who runs this blog as far as im aware right now may as well not exist anymore - if you follow this blog youre aware its run by a plural system. wll that system still exists but pretty much every alter who ran this blog is dormant (and given that they werent really... healthy at all, i would rather they stay that way). ive kept it up because frankly, i dont remember running it and it serves as a reminder to myself what actually happened during a period of my life that’s almost completely slipped my mind, other than the pictures that i took during that period of my life.
a friend the other day mentioned that they thought they dissociated thru a period of their own life because their memory was “just pictures” and it occured to me that i didnt know what else a memory was supposed to be - every time a memory is vivid to me it shakes me. ive grown comfortable with that distance but it scares me that thats not how youre supposed to recollect things.
theres a part of me that wants to reach out to some of you to catch up but it’s been five years and im sure we’ve all changed since then. i know i have. i dont recognize th person i was when i ran this blog... no, really, i dont remember going by the name “tey” but clearly a lot of my friends knew me by that name and called me it. i rediscovered that revisiting this blog a few weeks ago and it really shook me. i actually messaged a friend to ask if they remembered me ever going by that name, and they couldnt either, so clearly my social circles over time have shifted haha.
theres also that all of you who knew me here arguably knew me when i was at my worst, i was going through a lot in my life tht i couldnt really deal with and i hardly remember how i dealt with it other than “badly” - and i wouldnt be surprised if because of that you dont want to reach out to me anymore. i would understand. the coping mechanisms i developed when i was a teenager didnt really work and i think reading about plurality just caused me to get more neurotic abt the fact that i was traumatized. i definitely was traumatized but being told from everywhere i looked “your entire sense of self is a trauma symptom” didnt help me. i eventually got out of that mindset by finding things in life that i was willing to live and work for outside of like, plurality.
so im ok now but looking back on high school it genuinely scares me to see the kinds of things that i was going through, and also what i was very public and open about... a few of you knew me in the real world and i just have to say - im so thankful to you that you dealt with me.
dont know what else to say...
i reread “essay on the appearance of ghosts” by cameron awkward-rich tonight and its a poem tht really resonates with me and how i relate to my gender and my past self - i feel alot of the time like my memories are closer to ghost stories than memories, like mantras that i repeat to myself and i know happened to me but when i try to close in on them and find out wht happened, suddenly its gone and i realize i have only the words and a few vague images. “when does the girl learn there is something wrong growing in her place? when she ... looks in the mirror and sees herself in parts?” “what is writing but the preservation of ghosts?” you should read it in its entirety if you ever get the chance.
