The world is quiet here

I've tried messaging to my other friends about this but they are in different spaces, I think. I spent the whole morning crying after hearing about Anthony Bourdain because it made things feel bleak. Like, if he can't beat his demons even after all he's gotten past, what hope is there for me?  Even if I lose all this weight, become famous from this music bullshit, start a family, am I still going to feel the way I am? I've thought about killing myself a lot throughout my life but today I'm lucky I don't own a gun. And I understand that it's not good answer at all but I can't help it. On top of that the idea that there are people who've gone through worse makes it worse. Like my friend seems to have gone through so much worse emotionally that, comparatively, my problems are basically nothing and I still feel like this. I kinda hate her for that. Or maybe that's my fault for expecting her to understand and notice. I'm being too lowkey with my confessions. Maybe I have to straight up say that I want to kill myself today. But I don't want to just be a cry for attention. Or maybe I do. I think I don't want to die but I do want the attention. But I don't want the attention. I don't want to just be the guy who almost killed himself or the guy who killed himself. I want to feel appreciated, but not just in a vague "oh, hey you random internet stranger, you're valued!" sort of way. Looking back, people HAVE voiced their appreciation for me, but I always view it as lip service. It's not just appreciation, it's remembrance and I feel like I don't have enough of the two. It's just chemicals in my brain, right? Tomorrow will be better, right? But each time someone high profile passes I can't help but feel emptier with the future looking scarier.

Replace anti-Semitism with any form of ignorance that requires resolute faith.

She kills this shit. The gentle piano introduces the song with notes jumping around like fingers tickling a loved one awake. Then Eryn’s voice reminds me of a much more soulful Kimbra as she serenades us with a hook reminiscent of Frank Ocean’s “We All Try”. And then once the song reveals it’s fullest, with trumpets that I would imagine belong to Nico Segal (f.k.a. Donnie Trumpet, a moniker he’s since abandoned as a result of the unsettling nature of the President of the USA, understandably), I feel a moment of total “MMMmmmmm” come over me. 

Lyrics I stand up alone to see if I can hold my own The light i shine barely makes it past my living room So I roam searching for a home Trying to figure out what life's about,  thinking like I'm made of stone I spend hours distracted by these attractive things games and porno dames be fucking my mentality The way my mind works leaves me worried for the worst Feeling like a beast in a castle living under a curse I'm in my mind all the time where expectations are f acts Racing thoughts take extra laps around my brain like a track But I try to snap back and block hate with the brim of my hat Vibing out in my apartment with a dog and a cat The only therapy I need is a pen and a pad It gives me wings without fear that the sun will melt the wax Its the string that guides me back in labyrinths without maps But I still feel in the path of the minotaur's ancient wrath I'm just making things up as I go along I'm hoping that you like this song One time for my mind, then again for you all I'll just keep walking tall It's not easy to be so open I'm hoping that you don't mind this too much I often feel like I'm about to drown in the ocean Trying to escape it's dark clutch listlessly lost in lame internet pages I sit alone with the moon, slowly going through phases Upsides turn downsides when mind's gravity changes The tides rise and crash like poseidon did for his favorite But my odyssey is far from over I honestly gotta be fighting for the things I wanna be grind til my eyes bleed I live by a Shia meme .Flexing like I'm hercules Chase away monotony Dishonor thy name is mediocrity It's a uphill battle when you're down at the bottom A lot of people try to climb and then they end up forgotten Because it takes a lot more than just an interest that's sparked They can get the car started but then leave it in park It's a real long journey destination the stars It's easy to give it up because it seems so far But for every time you stop you have to remember to start Otherwise you'll always be stuck right where you are.