Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

The Fraser Institute is a Canadian right-wing propaganda machine so lacking in subtlety they make Fox News look like BC Almanac. Oh sorry, I forgot. They are technically a charity. A charity backed by the Koch Brothers whose top ten percent of employees earn incomes in the top 1%. Why do I bring up how much they pay themselves? Because they just dropped a video on YouTube titled: “MINIMUM WAGE HIKES IN CANADA-BAD IDEA” and is a shoddy piece of animation that looks like something Ayn Rand might have come up with if she took a night school course in flash animation (fifteen years ago). Have a look see: 

"Some people believe that raising the minimum wage will help reduce poverty."

Yeah. They're called poor people and low-income workers. And they're not "some people", they're the majority. And they're mostly women.

http://bcfed.ca/news/releases/two-thirds-british-columbians-support-15-hour-minimum-wage

Study how the Fraser Institute depicts pro-minimum wage raise protesters. Two of them are holding signs that only show $ on them while the middle figure holds a sign that simply reads “RAISE MINIMUM WAGE” sounding like Frankenstein’s monster. MIN WAGE GOOD! FIRE BAD!

To the Fraser Institute a wage increase is all about the money, not the necessities of life that money provides. Their signs do not depict food, or shelter, or children. No. Just money. In a classic case of projection the Fraser Institute accuse low-income workers of caring only for money, when in fact they themselves are the ones literally framing the issue with dollar sings.

The Fraser Institute alleges that there’s no need for a minimum wage increase because “88% of low income workers don’t even live in low income housing."

Just because someone isn’t living a dumpster doesn’t mean they’re not poor. How is this (dubious) statistic in any way relevant?  Yes, many low income workers don’t live in low income housing. You know why? Because there’s not a lot of low-income housing to go around and people have to live somewhere, preferably indoors. They move into dwellings they can’t afford and pay most of their minimum wage to rent with little or nothing left over for other necessities, never mind saving anything.

This is like making the argument: 100% of low income workers have eaten in the last 24 hours! They’re not that poor! That guy even pooped in an indoor toilet this morning! Stop whining and get back to work!

According to the F.I. you’re not "poor” unless you’re standing in a soup lineup dressed in a barrel and chewing on your shoe.

“60% are teenagers or young adults living with their parents.” Even if this stat is true (it isn’t) what about the other 40%? You know? The group comprising single mums, minorities, the mentally ill, disabled or just plain unlucky? That 40% consists of thousands and thousands of people who work hard and deserve an honest day’s pay for their labour. If you’d like to meet them you can find them in line outside the PayDay Loans office on every corner of East Vancouver.

This is how the Fraser Institute imagines low-income workers. A lazy teenagers living at his parents’ house SITTING ON HIS ASS WATCHING TELEVISION. Get a job you lazy freeloader! He's ridin' dirty on his parents' couch! Where's the huge bong and gold bling? Lower that couch and pimp it! This stay-at-home playa's got some MAD MINIMUM WAGE STACKS! 

“Just 2% are single parents with young children.”

A solitary single mum and her child. Just the one. Certainly not numbering in the thousands. Interestingly, she was nowhere to be seen in the protester group at the beginning of the video. Maybe she was too busy working at Dunkin’ Donuts and trying to make it to daycare in time because her daughter’s deadbeat dad won’t pay child support. Who’s to say? She sure as hell hasn’t got the time to visit the Fraser Institute’s website, where condescending rich men could tell her all about how raising her wages would be terrible for her and her daughter.

Guys like these!

Hey fellas, nobody claimed that 100% of low-income workers were single parents. This is not the issue. The issue is a reasonable living wage in the modern world for all workers (including single parents). By loading the video with made-up statistics, they can more effectively distract us from the real the argument and muddy the water with bullshit, irrelevant stats. Which is exactly what they do when you visit their website.

MEANWHILE, ON THE FRASER INSTITUTE’S WEBSITE!

“Popular support for the minimum wage largely derives from the belief that it is a useful tool for boosting the wages of poor workers. However, the evidence paints a much different picture.”

Of course. Only a fool and a communist would surmise that if you increase the wages of poor workers their wages would increase, just because it makes perfect sense and is a logical English sentence.

“ hiking the minimum wage can do considerable harm, most notably by de-creasing employment opportunities among low-skilled workers… increasing the minimum wage may significantly reduce employment among teenagers and other groups of low-skilled workers.”

This argument has always struck me as a veiled threat, like it should be delivered by a menacing man in a pin-striped suit and fedora through teeth chomping on a fat cigar. “Do you like having a job? Well then shut up and make do with what we (are forced to) give ya. And say hi to your kids for me. It would be a shame if anything happened to your kids.”

​These arguments are, of course, baseless bullshit.  There have been minimum wage increases in the past and Subway is still doing fine. Besides, one would have thought with all the creepy automated checkout machines in supermarkets replacing employees there would be plenty of money left over to give raises to what few workers you have left.

What better ways, you might ask? 

“rather than the dubious policy of increasing the minimum wage, there is a better option for helping workers from poor households, namely increasing the Working Income Tax Benefit (WITB)… a refundable tax credit that allows qualifying low-wage workers to keep more of their earnings, effectively subsidizing them to work more.”

I’ll boil it down for you. Welfare. But not. (Except it totally is Welfare, they even call it that on their website.)

This proposal is the government doling out taxes to low-income workers so corporate executives can pocket even more of their profits. After all, why should corporations be on the hook for the well-being of their workers? It’s  clearly the responsibility of our government to deal with the human fallout of skyrocketing living costs, not corporate Canada, whose only responsibility is maximizing profits.

Call me crazy but I think the best way to help low-income workers is to make them no longer low income workers. And that doesn’t mean larger tax refunds, it means raising the fucking minimum wage. Or both.

Oh and BTW, Fraser Institute? Your video looks like shit. You probably should have paid the animator more than minimum wage.

(OTTAWA) - Speaking to a House of Commons committee last week, Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz suggested Canadians struggling to find work should offer up free awesome blowjobs to prospective employers until Canada’s stagnant job market picks up.

“If you want to enter the workforce, it’s only fair you let the workforce enter you.“ said Mr Poloz.   

When accused of being insensitive to the plights of struggling unemployed, and that jobless people might feel degraded by performing fellatio or cunnilingus for jobs, Mr Poloz shrugged it off.

“I bet everyone in this room has performed oral sex in a basement to get something from someone. From cupping the balls and licking the shaft to swallowing the tapioca, jobless youth should always remember that your tongue can communicate using more than just words.”

“Your blowjob should say a lot about who you are as a person, so that when that prospective employer cums all over your face, he or she will actually want you to stay in the office long enough to inquire about your qualifications and call you in for that crucial second blowjob.”

“Don’t forget." he added "You can’t spell “blowjob” with out “job”.

Watch Dylan Rhymer's Stand Up Special: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jyeR-sTHfw

  (MOSCOW) Despite a crumbling Russian economy on the edge of recession, President Vladimir Putin’s approval ratings continue to rise, especially in the key demographic of Russians between the ages of 1-100 who have loaded guns aimed at their heads when asked.

Despite rising unemployment rates, Mr Putin’s popularity continues hit new heights with a whopping 100% of those polled while watching footage of their neighbors being garroted and thrown into shallow graves responded that they thought the Russian President was doing an excellent job.

Of those polled after being dragged from their beds and showered with alternating scalding and freezing water, 100% of respondents nodded frantically when positive statements about Mr Putin where shrieked at them through a megaphone.

Putin shows 100% approval among men aged 18-34 with black bags over their heads being leaned out of helicopters and 100% in popularity among mothers whose babies are snatched from them and held menacingly out of tower block windows by jackbooted pollsters.

However, among female performance artists being held in cages, his approval rating remains a consistent 0%.

Watch Dylan Rhymer's stand up here: http://youtu.be/4jyeR-sTHfw

(New York) -Unspeakably hideous virus Ebola and act of religious extremist violence Beheading announced they’re dating, creating the world’s first Horrible News Power Couple. They began seeing each other while working together on the front page of every major news outlet in the world and trending on Twitter. TMZ has already dubbed them BeBola.

This is a first romance for Ebola but just one of many for Beheading who has been linked to a number of celebrities including Mary Queen of Scots, Anne Boleyn and Oliver Cromwell.

State of the Week managed a quick interview with the couple on the red carpet of the MTV Music Video Awards.

 Was it love at first sight?

 Beheading: “Ebola is everything I’ve been looking for in a partner. Every time I opened the paper, there she was right next to me.”

 Ebola: “We have so many shared interests, like irrationally terrifying Americans and being used as tactic to stir up xenophobia among white people. Sometimes we argue over who’s the more effective distraction from domestic issues.” Laughs. “He usually wins.”  

 Beheading: As if! We both scare the living shit out of people, sweetie.

 Does the age difference make a difference? Ebola you’re turning 29 and Beheading is well into his two thousands.  

 Beheading: “We’re no more nauseating than Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones.”

 Ebola: “He’s more old-fashioned and I’m more new age. But in the end if we horrify the entire planet over their morning cup of coffee and keep the world in a state of general powerless unease then that’s all that really matters to us."

 Are there plans for a baby? A brainless, senseless, disease-spewing monster?

 Beheading: “I won’t confirm a baby, but I will tell you we both love the name Fox”.

Follow Dylan Rhymer on Twitter: https://twitter.com/dylanrhymer

I understand completely that by scribing my little column I am, in the end, giving Conservative pundit and professional hate-sprinkler Ezra Levant exactly what he so desperately needs: media attention to fill the empty void where a sense of decency should be, its vacancy creating a dark hole in his soul as vast, cold and dense as an imploding star from which nothing can escape, especially not light. Ironic, then, that the right-wing rag he works for is called Sun Media. It should be called Black Hole Media, and Ezra is the biggest hole among them.

(LONDON, UK)- Standing next to a life-sized cardboard Braveheart and donning a ginger-haired Jimmy Hat, British Prime Minister David Cameron made an impassioned plea to the voters of Scotland offering them “free haggis and heroin and kilts or whatever” if they would only vote to remain part of the United Kingdom.

(OTTAWA)- In the wake of backlash over the Temporary Foreign Workers Program, Aboriginal workers are criticizing the Permanent Foreign Workers Program, otherwise known as Canada. There are presently more than 31 Million Permanent Foreign Workers living, working and breeding in Canada. 

(COPENHAGEN)- The Copenhagen Zoo has killed a sixty-two-year-old Janitor named Marvin and fed his remains to lions as visitors watched.

Following his last day on the job as the zoo's chief custodian, having worked there for 37 years, Marvin was offered a drugged piece of cake and card signed by zoo staff, some of whom would be euthanizing and eviscerating him less than an hour later. Marvin was later put down using a stunning bolt through the brain, skinned, disembowelled and fed to ravenous lions in front of spectators.

50 SHADES OF JFK

This week saw the 50th anniversary of JFK's assassination. State of the Week's own alcoholic, bigoted right-wing historian Weston Biggerstaff remembers that dreadful day, and brings you a conspiracy theory that will will blow your brains out your ass and then back into your eye holes (you'd better wash your hands before you eat)!!!! Wake up sheeple! 

www.redintoothandclaw.com

(VANCOUVER) Supporters of having other people die of painful tumors breathed a sigh of relief when the BC Court of Appeals upheld a ban on not dying of painful tumors.

“This is exciting news for anyone not presently dying of a painful tumor” said Gord Skuggs of the anti assisted-suicide group YES WE CANCER “Allowing people dying of painful tumors to die of something other than a painful tumor is a slippery slope to avoiding all kinds of slow, painful deaths. Not in my Canada!”

Alright listen up, you little shit. EVERYBODY THINKS YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER.

 It’s been a few months now since your pathetic “Anoy” tags first began popping up on walls and bus stops. At first we all found your little after-hours project a little bit notable if not irritating. But that was the point, wasn’t it? You call yourself “Anoy” and you annoy people?! Brilliant! Holy shit! It’s so ironic! But you have overstayed your welcome. Now you’re ruining shop fronts, playgrounds and parks. Frankly, that makes you a huge douchebag.

You’re not counter-culture. Not an artist. Not a satirist. You’re just an insecure asshole with too much time on your hands. You didn't even think up the name "Anoy". You stole it from a far better graffiti artist from the States. That just makes you an even bigger loser. He paints, you spray paint. There is a difference. 

Directed by Edgar Wright

Starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike, Martin Freeman

Edgar Wright's new film The World's End is the third of his “Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy”, following his other two films with co-conspirators Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Unlike the other two in the canon, it is not a genre parody but a stand alone science fiction comedy, and an excellent one at that. The World's End works as an homage to the other two, blending the theme of emotional arrested development from Shaun of the Dead with that of the dangers of conformity lying under the surface of modern society from Hot Fuzz. It's a surprisingly serious film and could very well be the best of the three. It will obviously be compared to Shaun and Fuzz, but it deserves to be judged on its own merits.

(WASHINGTON, DC) – Hot on the heels of the NSA spying scandal, Wikileaks revealed a top-secret Government spying program tracking Yelp and Urbanspoon comments, collecting data for a secret governement database tracking 1st World Problems. The initiative called the Database Overseeing Unaccountable Customer Hardship Extranet, or DOUCHE, has so far gleaned over fifteen billion separate pieces of information on and amassed them in a massive “First World Problem” database.

(CANADA)- Alberta's response to the disastrous flood was a testament to Albertan strength, community and get-up-and-go. Canadians from coast-to-coast rallied to aid the troubled province. Now, weeks later, as Albertans return to their homes, non-Albertan Canadians are slowly and cautiously returning to their usual fallback positions of irrationally disliking Alberta when they haven't even been there.

(FLORIDA) - Friends and family of George Zimmerman report that he has fallen into a deep depression since learning of the the death of Glee star Cory Monteith in Vancouver on Saturday. Zimmerman also made headline news the same weekend following his astounding not guilty verdict for the shooting death of 17 year old Trayvon Martin.

“I can't tell you how hard George is taking Cory Monteith's death.” said Zimmerman's brother. ”I've never seen him like this. He loves Glee. I really hope he doesn't do anything stupid, like go shoot someone from Vancouver.”

George Zimmerman is reported to have gone directly into his bedroom upon hearing the news of the actor's death and is refusing to come out for any reason, including meals or toilet breaks.

“He was in such a good mood after dodging that murder rap for that black kid." said Zimmerman's attorney.  "This really took the wind out of his sails. It's a real tragedy."

 Said Zimmerman's mother: “I just hope and pray that in the face of his depression, George can stand his ground.”

(PAMPLONA)- An actor portraying Jesus of Nazareth was rushed to hospital after being trampled by a dozen stampeding bulls when a scheduling error placed the annual Easter crucifixion re-enactment on the same weekend as the Running of the Bulls. 

During a re-creation of Christ’s march to the cruxifiction site, Jesus, Roman Centurions and devotees were taken unawares as bulls, some weighing as much as 2400 lbs, stampeded around the corner and began goring worshipers left, right, and centre. 

“Everybody scattered. The Pharisees climbed to higher ground and got away. But poor Jesus was completely abandoned by his own Apostles. Even Mary Magdelene shouted ‘You’re on your own!’ and bolted.” said an eyewitness. 

Jesus tried desperately to undo his hands from his heavy wooden crucifix. He was last heard shouting “Hey guys! Why have you forsaken me?!” before being stomped into the sidewalk.

He was later taken to hospital in the back of a pick-up truck, as his enormous crucifix made it impossible for him to fit in the back of an ambulance.

Said an actor portraying Pontius Pilate; “He didn’t even make it to Skull Hill to be crucified. That’s the real tragedy.” 

City event planners are calling it an act of God and washing their hands of the whole thing.