You always knew that your husband Hiromi was a workaholic. A constant job, a busy schedule and of course no healthy sleep. As if nothing else, he was a lawyer. And not just a regular one but one of the most prestigious and sought-after here in Tokyo.
āNot today, honey.ā
āIām really busy, sweetheart.ā
And other similar phrases you received in response constantly when you had a dialogue with him where you offered a new activity so you guys at least can spend a little more time together. And you understood, really. Oh gosh, you really tried to understand him. To look at the world from his perspective to say that. To see his side, because you knew he was trying for both of you.
But why you? Why are you trying to understand him, and he doesnāt have to understand you? Why is his job always between your marriage? And why do you always give in to him, but Hiromi can never find time for you? For his wife.
And thatās how the argument started.
"You know very well who am I and what my responsibilities as a lawyer are. And Iām not lying to you when I say that Iām very busy and I donāt have time."
"But you always say that! You always use that damn argument!"
You both stood in your shared bedroom opposite each other, shared by your huge bed. Hiromi recently returned home, was still in his costume. And as usual late at night when you were already in your pajamas and preparing for bed.
"Y/N, so what do you want me to say if not this phrase that Iām busy?ā
You stood in front of him and looked in the void. You didnāt know what you really wanted to hear from him. Your ears could no longer stand what you heard from him all the damn time. You didnāt even know if your husband was capable of saying anything other than the odious "Iām busy" to you.
You didnāt say a word, standing and pondering his question. Is it true that Hiromi canāt tell you something else than "Iām busy" when heās a lawyer?
Tiredly breathing, your husband quietly began to untie his necktie and unbutton his shirt.
"I didnāt even know how selfish you are, Y/N. You canāt even understand me."
You froze up immediately after his words, which hit you like an electric shock.
You slowly turned your gaze from the wall to him standing by the closet and hanging his things. You couldnāt believe what you heard and wanted to make sure that it wasnāt hallucinations, but the actual words spoken by your husband.
But it definitely wasnāt fucking hallucinations.
"S-selfish? Am I selfish to you, Hiro? And you saying Iām not trying to understand you?" Your words were so quiet as a whisper. You would have been willing to slip through the ground just to avoid standing here beside him.
Hiromi raised one eyebrow on you, clearly annoyed by your behavior.
"And only now has it come to you? Grow up, Y/N. Adults have jobs and other more important responsibilities. You always think only of yourself and never want to understand what itās like for me to be constantly stressed with my job."
You didnāt want to cry and make a scene. You really didnāt. But why do his words hurt you so? Especially when you know heās wrong right now and blames you for "thinking only of yourself" when that is not true at all.
"And you know whatās even more annoying about everything? That you think Iām interested in all of thisā¦shit. All your stupid ideas for dates, romantic dinners and invitations to go to those overstimulating events."
Your eyes are turning glassy and something inside slowly starts to break. Something in your chest is starting to hurt, as if it had stepped on you.
"I donāt understand why you keep trying. Iāve told you so many times that I donāt have time for all your baby whippings, and you keep going with this circus."
And he just keeps going.
"Hiromiā¦"
"If you really want to do whatās best for us, just donāt hysterize me here after my fucking job and stop trying when you know youāll get the same answer."
Thatās it.
Thatās how he ended up saying everything he thought.
But he did it with his back to you while hanging his things in the closet and changing into his sleep pants.
And he clearly didnāt see your red, crying face and trembling hands. How salty tears flowed down your cheeks and you stood nervous, biting your lip to blood. The way you froze in place, unable to move, for your body seemed to be numb by shock and words heard.
Because he never talked to you like that. Openly insulting you and making you feel uncomfortable. No, thatās not the treatment you deserve. Thatās not the treatment any woman in her marriage deserves. When she puts all of herself into her marriage, throwing away her dreams and career to become a housewife.
And your attempts to defend yourself? He didnāt even want to listen to you, continuing to say everything in his typical grumpy tone, not hearing your sobbing behind his back.
Maybe after everything he said there was no need to defend yourself, you thought and hastily put your trembling hands to your face and began to wipe away your tears with the back of the palms.
And thatās when your husband turned to you and saw what he had done. All the tears that caused his words to be said to you without considering the consequences. For the first time in his life, he realized that he had never done anything more humiliating.
You noticed that he was looking at you and your attempts to calm your tremor and felt... ashamed? You were ashamed of your own tears and uncomfortable that your own husband was looking at you. Your beloved husband.
"Hey, heyā¦"
The man carefully took a few steps towards you, but you, as if afraid of him, moved backwards. And it broke his heart in pieces.
"Love, please, I didnāt mean toā¦"
"Iām n-not selfishā¦" You looked at him with your swollen eyes through the vale of tears. And those beautiful eyes were red.
"No honey, of course youāre not."
"But you fucking said that! And you said that I donāt try to understand you! And that I need to grow up! And that you secretly hate everything I offer you!"
Your voice fell out and broke. You broke. And you couldnāt hold back your despair any longer.
"But youāre the selfish one, Hiromi! You are the one who never tried to understand me!"
You were right. And only now it slowly began to settle in his head.
"Darling, pleaseā¦" He couldnāt look at this. He couldnāt physically bear the fact that made you suffer. And now watching you desperately try to protect yourself from him, after he realized he was screwed up just makes him swoon in pain.
"All my attempts to bring us closer were because of the despair that I missed you. I miss who you used to be. I miss us, Hiroā¦" That confession wasnāt what he expected. And it comes to him how stupid and blind he was all this time.
"I-I have always yielded to you and tried not to disturb you every time you said that you were busy and waited patiently for you to have at least one day off."
You covered your face again with your palms and fell down on the cold floor, sobbing with resentment and anger.
Hiromi came up to you and crouched down next to you. For the first time in these two years of your marriage, he didnāt know how to behave around you. He was ashamed. Incredibly ashamed. And he was angry with himself. He could only now feel disgust for himself and nothing else. You deserved better treatment.
You deserved to have your efforts noticed and praised. You deserved to be happy with someone who was actually compromising when you were too. And your husband knew he had failed at that task.
"Honey, Y/N, Iām so deeply sorry that I didnāt notice all your effort all this time. Iām so so sorry, my loveā¦" He whispered, softly touching your hair, as if afraid to hurt you. "And I know how wrong I was when I called you selfish. Please forgive me."
He knelt down before you, very carefully touching your hands to remove them from your face.
And you let him. Just like touching your chin so you can look at him.
Your incredible eyes that once looked at him adoringly were now red and swollen with tears. Your cheeks were still damp, and your lips swollen and all in blood. Oh God, how he hates himself. He fucking hates himself.
He gently removed the tattered strands of hair from your face and looked at you with all his love through his brown, tired eyes under which lay the huge sacks.
He turned his gaze to your puffy lips and kissed them as gently as he did, trying to bring into this kiss all that could not be conveyed through simple words. But you couldnāt find the strength to kiss him back. Not after everything that happened. And he understood that. For the first time, he really understood you.
After the kiss with the taste of your metallic blood, he pressed his forehead to yours. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes.
"I canāt forgive you, Hiromi."
"I know."
You sat there for a couple of minutes in complete silence, listening to each otherās breath and heartbeat. Especially he yours.
"I know that I donāt deserve to be forgiven after all Iāve said. But I want to try to start over. Because I canāt lose you. You mean too much to me and I want to prove it to you."
