"As Us Butch Guys Say At The Front"

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake and Corporal Max Klinger

1x4 “Chief Surgeon Who?”

BARKER: Do you realise you've a man on guard duty who's wearing a skirt? 

HENRY: Yeah, well, luckily he's got the legs for it. (21:30) HB*/MK*

1x9    "Henry, Please Come Home"

HAWKEYE [to Henry]: Can I buy you a drink, big boy-san? 

[Henry opens his mouth to protest then smiles and accepts] (24:35) HB*/HP*

1x11    "Germ Warfare"

HENRY [referring to Frank]: If I didn't know better, I'd say the guy was my wife in Army drag. (4:35) FB*/HB*

1x16    “The Ringbanger”

BRIGHTON [to Henry, about Frank]: Colonel, I'm sorry.  I didn't know he was your girl. (12:07) FB*/HB*

1x17    "Sometimes You Hear the Bullet"

TOMMY: Henry, you're a beautiful sight! [Kisses him on the lips] (07:59) HB*/TG*

TOMMY: Oh. Say goodbye to Henry for me. He'll understand. (10:32) HB*/TG*

1x18 “Dear Dad, Again”

RADAR: Well... It's final week...

HENRY: And you want me to take you to the senior prom, right?? (25:36) HB*/RO*

2x01    "Divided We Stand"

HENRY: Klinger!  I told you to get out of those clothes.  

KLINGER: Not till I'm discharged, sir. (6:06) HB*/MK*

2x03    "Radar's Report"

HENRY: I'll admit, he's no Lana Turner.

KLINGER: I don't usually wear floor-length during the day.

HENRY [Interested]: Oh? (12:09) HB*/MK*

HENRY: Did you see that number Klinger was wearing in the mess tent this morning? The tight little green satin job?

RADAR: I must have missed it.

HENRY: Whew. It was a headsnapper. (24:52) HB*/MK* 

2x04    "For the Good of the Outfit"

HENRY: Well, the corporal's been thoroughly cleared. I did it myself. [clears throat] (9:20) 

STONER: Uh, are you cleared, Colonel?

HENRY [to Radar]: Uh, well, didn't we clear each other?

[Radar looks faintly scandalized.] (9:40) HB*/RO*

2x08    "The Trial of Henry Blake"

OFFICER: Charge three states you have a noncom who is a transvestite.

HENRY: Well, I don't pry into a man's religion, sir. HB*/MK* (9:39)

[Klinger hands Henry a bouquet of flowers and curtsies] (24:55) HB*/MK*

2x09 "Dear Dad... Three"

HENRY: She was with Buzz Wilensky, captain of the football team.  Big, handsome son of a gun, Buzz. (11:10) HB*

TRAPPER: Great looking legs, though, Henry.

HAWKEYE: You've been over here too long. (13:00) HB*/TM*

[Henry, in the home movie, kisses Milt Jaffe on the lips] (13:55) HB*

HAWKEYE: Tell me one thing. Did you and Milt ever get married? (14:25) HB*

2x10 “The Sniper”

[Gun goes off and Radar and Henry hug each other] (8:38) HB*/RO*

FRANK: Col. Blake, our commander, is missing in action.

NURSE: He's trapped in the shower with Radar.

HAWKEYE: What a way to go. HP*/RO*,  HB*/RO*

2x11    "Carry On, Hawkeye"

HAWKEYE [to Henry] He's most dangerous when he's on his back. (3:15) HB*/HP*

2x12    "The Incubator"

HENRY: Well, that only leaves sex.  Afraid we can't help you there. (10:41) HB*

2x15 "Officers Only"

[Henry lighting Klinger’s cigar ] (4:35) HB*/MK* 

2x17 "For Want of a Boot"

HAWKEYE: It never fails. One hand washes the other.

HENRY: You fix that sweetheart, and I'll give you a bath.

HAWKEYE: That part of our relationship is over, Henry. (11:05) HB*/HP*

2x21    “Crisis”

HENRY: Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.

HAWKEYE: What's that?

HENRY: Hold me close. (14:25) HB*/HP* 

2x22    “George”

FRANK: [being homophobic] HENRY: [annoyed] Frank, why are you telling me this? (16:45) HB*

[Henry is on a chair with a towel over his eyes while a nurse sits next to him holding his hand. Hawkeye and Trapper sneak in and Hawkeye carefully takers her place.]

HENRY: Look, let's skip the manicure. [He leans in to where he thinks the nurse is]

HAWKEYE [leans in close and pulls off the towel] Voila! El Finko himself. (19:44) HB*/HP* 

2x23 “Mail Call”

RADAR: Sir, Corporal Klinger wants to see you.

HENRY: Oh, no, not Klinger. Not today. 

RADAR: I think you should see him, sir. He's got a new dress.  

HENRY [intrigued] If he's fussed, OK (8:29) HB*/MK* 

3x05 “O.R.” 

HENRY: Klinger, take that dress off at once.

HAWKEYE: Not in front of Trapper. He's a married man. (3:30) HB*/MK* MK*/TM*

3x06 “Springtime”

KLINGER: Colonel, I could kiss you.!

HENRY: You do, and I'll chin myself on your nose. (13:40) HB*/MK*

HENRY: fLook, lady, I'm a doctor trying to marry a soldier in the middle of a war.  

LADY ON RADIO: That's sick! (21:10)  HB*/MK* 

3x07    "Check-Up

NURSE: I don't go out with married men, Colonel.

HENRY: Well, neither do I. (19:35) HB*

3x21    “Big Mac”

HENRY: Uh, Klinger, about that getup. 

KLINGER: You don't like it? Don't be afraid to tell me. I can take criticism.  

HENRY: No, it's not the outfit, per se wise.

KLINGER: It's the pedicure. A little naughty? [puts his stocking clad leg up on the chair and Henry stares at it] (14:50) HB*/MK* 

3x22 “Payday”

KLINGER: Colonel, I got a proposition to make.

HENRY: Forget it. We'd regret it the rest of our lives. (13:30) HB*/MK*

3x22 “Payday”

KLINGER: Then run away with me, sir. Together. (14:30) HB*/MK*

3x23    "Abyssinia, Henry"

HAWKEYE: I'm afraid just a handshake won't do it, Henry. (19:22) HB*/HP* 

KLINGER [referring to his dress]: I was in such a big hurry, I didn't get the back zipped up.

HENRY: I'll do it.

KLINGER: Up, sir. (20:15)  HB*/MK* 

3x23    "Abyssinia, Henry"

KLINGER: Sir, I have a picture of me. Would you carry it in your wallet?

HENRY: Your pink evening gown.

Best Offscreen Characters: Captain Epstein