Probably Not Having Fun

Scary Stories to Tell In The Dark

Aries: Your desire to use time travel to make Vincent van gogh listen to grindcore metal will make him pee his pants out of fear. 

Taurus: Its only when you think you’ve got it all figured out that everything goes to shit. Stay at least a little confused at all times.

Gemini: Maintain at least a little mystery to serve as bait for people who want to be friends with you.

Cancer: Are you affairs in order? Got all your ducks in a row? Don’t lie to yourself. You don’t even have enough ducks to make a row.

Leo: After selling your soul to the devil, the sheer negative value of your soul will crash the soul market, causing the dead to walk again.

Virgo: Course of action: Steal another bulldozer. 

Libra: يصرخ في المطر حتى يتوقف

Scorpio: You know that guy in the corner of the old cafe that nobody else can see with the small river of dust flowing from where his eyes should be? Hes gay.

Ophiuchus: Pessimism about the future should spur you to action, otherwise you’re just a shitty oracle full of self-fulfilling prophecies. 

Sagittarius: Remind yourself of your accomplishments. They’ll keep you in perspective. The smallest of bricks make the mightiest of castles.

Capricorn: You’re a loser unless you’ve tried horchata. Your fear of exploration will be your horchataless death.

Aquarius: Moderation is key for all things besides love. 

WHAT

you better watch out. you better watch out. you better watch out. YOU BETTER WATCH OUT.