SUPERFLUOUS EFFUSIONS

Nanuod ako ng palabas.

“Ang Kwento Nating Dalawa”

Kwento nga naman nila.

Umuwi ako ng bahay,

At nagbasa ng tula.

Kwento nyo namang dalawa.

Ngayon may gusto ‘kong kwento,

Yung may pangalawa,

Pero saka na lang pala.

Wala tayong magiging kwento,

Kahit isulat ko pa.

There are a lot of things I wanted to start again. I hope this time I would be able to continue and finish what I am about to start. There are 2 things, or make it three important things I wanted to do these days.

First, I wanted to either learn doing and enjoying the things I don’t used to. I was thinking, either I learn to cook or learn to enjoy reading fiction. I want to train myself to do things even if I do not feel like doing it.

Second, I wanted to improve on my craft. I want to have time to read non-fiction books. I’d like to start of with either advertising and marketing, or management and leadership. I wanted to be the best in my field.

Third, I don’t want to settle. I wanted to improve myself and make a better version of me. I wanted to become the person who I want to be. Successful, career-oriented, passionate, and practically luxurious.

Hindi sa bitter ako. Pero sige na nga bitter na. Minsan ang kupal lang talaga ng pagkakataon.

Iiwan ka kung kelan sigurado ka na sa sarili mo. Mas masama pa un, kung kailan kailangang kailangan mo sya.

O di kaya naman, magigising ka isang umaga na hindi ka na masaya. Ayaw mo na lang bigla.

Sa parehong pagkakataon, ikaw man yung iniwan o ikaw yung nang-iwan, parehong masakit.

Pero pano kung ikaw yung unang umalis pero ikaw pa din yung iniwan? Isa lang ibig sabihin nyan, umiba ka ng daan.

Hindi mo naman sinasadya pero dumating sya. Akala mo yun na. Skip train pala.

Hindi mo pa kasi talaga sya nakikilala. Yung ikaw naman ang aalagaan. Yung excited na makinig sa mga kwento mo kung papanong excited kang pakinggan sya. Yung kahit oras-oras at minu-minuto kayong mag-usap, hindi natatapos ang kilig. Yung kahit hindi man kayo mag-usap buong araw, sabik kayo matapos na lang ang araw para magkita o magkausap o magkasama na kayong dalawa. Yung iingatan nyo ang isa't-isa at rerespetuhin. Magsusuportahan. Magtutulungan. Hindi yung 70-30 na hatian. Hindi rin 50-50. Lalong hindi yung 170-30. Sya yung pareho kayong 100% na nagmamahal sa isa't isa. Hindi nagsusukatan. Kasi pareho nyong iniisip na hindi nyo deserve ang isa't isa. Na maswerte sya at maswerte ka din dahil kayo ang nagkatagpo. Finally! 

  I had my first marathon today. It felt so good! At last, I've done something I planned. Something that I trained for. Something that I really wanted. Something that I started and finished.

I have this attitude that I always plan on doing something. I plan, don't get me wrong. And not just plan, but I do it! Then when I start doing it, in the middle of actually doing it, I get bored. I quit. I have this inclination of being too easily excited, but gets easily distracted later on. More often than not, I don't finish what I've started. Wait.. Actually, I was not able to finish anything I've started. 

When I got employed with my first job, I didn't resign properly. I just woke up one day and felt like not going back to work anymore. The second, same thing. I didn't actually quit though; They kicked me out. In my previous work, I joined the partner and they had internal arrangements about my transfer. That's how I rolled with my jobs. 

When I do something I really really like. I'm just good with it for a couple of days, or weeks, or months... sometimes years. Then I get tired and quit!

I was also like that in school. Enrolled then quit. Shift courses then quit. Re-enrolled then quit. Transferred schools, then quit! Yet surprisingly, I whine about having not having to get my diploma until now!

Hey! I am even like this with my relationships! I quit when things aren't going my way. I just do. I screw up.

Now, this medal.. This medal is more than just a piece of steel. It's more than just a souvenir. This is the start of the new me...

  I had my first marathon today. It felt so good! At last, I've done something I planned. Something that I trained for. Something that I really wanted. Something that I started and finished.

So I guess I’d have to stick to my principle of not writing about something that I don’t want to end. Every story has its own start and ending. I should know. I create stories myself. This one, this thing that I said I could not afford to finish, just happened too soon, too late too fast. I cannot afford to hold back.

Cliche as it may sound, easy come and easy go. It’s not our time. Maybe just not yet. Or maybe it’s really not. We’re really not.

Another belief that I had was, you cannot have someone you really really like. The feeling and attention and effort will always be more than what you get. It should not be a question, but sometimes the difference between is really noticeable. There will come a time when the latter becomes too convenient, too comfortable, too complacent that she will fail to pursue the other anymore.

Hindi ko alam kung napapansin mo, pero ako pansin na pansin ko. Hindi na tayo kasing dalas mag-usap gaya ng dati. Madalas iniisip ko na lang, we passed that kilig stage. Ayoko man, pero ok na din. At least hindi lang puro kilig.

Hindi ko alam kung ano yung tumatakbo sa isip mo. Wala akong lahi ni madam Auring para malaman ko yun. Madalas nakabase lang ako sa mga sinasabi mo... sa mga sinabi mo. Pero syempre hindi maalis sa isip ko yung pagiging worry-wart ko. I tend to overthink things too. Pero madami kang bagay na tinuturo sa akin.

I'm not used to this kind of feeling. The very reason why I broke up with my ex was because I cannot be with her anytime I wanted to. Na parang wala din akong girlfriend kung hindi ako ang gagawa ng paraan para makasama ko sya. Understandable pa nga ayon sa karamihan yung sitwasyon nya pero hindi ako nakatagal. This... whatever this is. I don't know when will this last. But whatever it is, andun ako sa point na, I choose to stay.. kinain ko din yung sinabi ko na ayoko ng compromises.

You are teaching me to become independent. Na parang you will not always be around. Hindi ako sanay ng ganun. Alam ko mali, pero I have always been dependent sa partner ko. Kahit mukha akong tough, hindi ko kaya na walang someone to be always around. I must have someone to always talk to. May term pa nga dun yung tl ko, 'autobots' daw yung mga ganun, yung nakakatext mo pag bored ka pero hanggang dun lang yun. That used to be me when my first partner doesn't have time for me. I get to entertain myself with autobots. Until the second one came. Well, I got her full attention for obvious reasons. Both didn't last.

You are another story. I'm at the point where I have decided to just stop. Stop looking. Stop flirting. Just stop. Ganun talaga siguro pag alam mong nakita mo na yung hinahanap mo. Na nagaantay ka na lang na makita ka nya.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang I MISS YOU pa yung dapat kong sabihin para malaman mo kung gano. Kahit pa punuin ko tong blog na ito ng lahat ng conversations natin, history na yun. Past conversation na yun. past conversations na nakakamiss talaga. Kahit gano kababaw na topic pinapatulan natin. Kahit walang kakwenta kwentang jokes at pick up lines, pinatos natin. Nakakamiss yung simpleng ganun.

Siguro nga we passed the getting to know each other stage. I have known you. I have known that you are the person I wanna be with. That I'm sure. Pero kung ikaw hindi, ok lang ako dun. Maniwala ka. I passed the stage of becoming too much clingy, and needy, and touchy.

I'm keeping myself busy. I'm doing something I've never done before. This one's worth a try I know. Tamad akong tao, alam ko yun pero hindi ko alam bakit para dito hindi.. para sa kanya hindi.

Matagal ko nang gusto magsulat. Yung araw-araw magboblog ako. Hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko naman masabing wala akong time, kasi alam ko namang hindi talaga yun ang dahilan. Tamad lang talaga ako. Pero nitong mga huling araw, I'm just at my best self. Hindi ko din maintindihan kung bakit. Ang ganda lang talaga siguro ng pasok ng taon sa akin. Well, I don't believe in good luck, just good timing. So siguro nga ang ganda lang ng timing ng lahat.

I started running a couple of days ago. It feels good to be active again. Although my sipon ako ngayon at medyo masama yung pakiramdam, initial reaction lang daw yun ng katawan ko sa strenuous activity na ginagawa ko. Now, I'm starting to write again. This time, it's gonna be consistent. 

I'm also enjoying my work. Matagal na ako sa ganitong trabaho pero hindi ko matanggap until I found the best company to work for. I'm embracing where I am now and what life has given me. This way, I'm doing favor to one but myself. The more that I reject the things that come my way, the more bullshit I encounter. 

Another great thing I enjoy now ay yung mga out of towns ko with friends. Matagal ko nang gustong gawin to pero walang enough funds. Hindi ko alam bakit nowadays meron na. Lol! Ang saya lang. 

There's a lot of things to enjoy about life. One thing I've learned is living one day at a time. Thank you for making me realize that without you doing anything.