Fangirl Always

Hey Taylor! @taylorswift

((after thought: this is really long and I apologise immensely but I’ve been struggling to find the courage to post this for the longest time and there’s no time like the present)). Normally your fans use a post like this to show you all the incredible costumes they’ll be wearing to your shows but instead I’m going to tell you a story, I hope that’s okay by you. I don’t actually have a costume to show you, not because I didn’t have any ideas or because I couldn’t be bothered to make one, but because for a while there I was genuinely faced with the prospect of not being able to go to either of the shows I had tickets for.

2015 has turned out to be a pretty tough year despite the best of intentions for it to be my best one yet. I’ve lost more friends than I can count, went through a horrible break up and fell into such a scary dark spiral that I’m still struggling to figure out who I am. A few months ago things went from bad to worse- I was diagnosed with both bipolar disorder and anorexia nervosa in the space of two days. I was so underweight and physically compromised that my psychologist was completely prepared to put me in hospital if something didn’t change almost immediately.

At home that night I realised just how much I’d be missing out on if I ended up in inpatient treatment. I’m very fortunate to have the opportunity to see you twice this tour- once in Sydney this past weekend (which was INCREDIBLE and I’m so in awe of you right now) and once in Melbourne, on December 10th. I couldn’t get my head around the thought of not being able to go. After all you’re the light in my life day after day, and have been for years, and there’s nothing I could think of that would be more detrimental to my recovery than missing the 1989 tour. And so I hatched a plan. I created a menu plan for myself that included enough food to stabilise my weight and my health and I cut back on the amount of exercise I was doing. Honestly, it’s been the hardest thing I have ever done but the bigger picture was too much of an incentive.

Many weeks filled with crippling anxiety clashing with sheer willpower later, it had worked. My psychologist decided I was stable enough to stay out of hospital. By that time though I had been unable to properly go to work for quite a while and so I had very little money, plus I’d refused to decide on a costume because I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to end up missing out. With very little free time thanks to studying and working, there was no possible way I would pull of a complete costume in time. Instead, I found a nice dress online that was cheap and scraped together enough money to buy that but unfortunately it’s not something that instantly makes me stand out in a crowd (especially a crowd of 76,000! I’m so so SO proud of you). I’ll attach some photos to this post so you can see just how un-1989-related my dress is.

Fast forward a few weeks and Saturday night made every struggle I’ve been through this year worthwhile. I got to see friends I only ever see at your concerts because they live interstate. Vance was incredible. You were above and beyond anything I ever could’ve dreamed about. For the first time ever at a concert, I danced and sung my heart out without a single thought as to whether anyone thought I was crazy. Your speech before Clean was everything that I’ve needed to hear for so long and words will never express just how grateful I am that you care about all of us so much and that you’ve used your experiences to reach out to every single one of us. Walking out of ANZ Stadium that night, I felt more alive than I can remember feeling in such a long time. All because of you.

So thank you, for your lyrics. For your touching speeches. And for your hilarious videos of Meredith desperately trying to escape from your clutches. I couldn’t have done this without you and I can’t wait to see you again next Thursday.

(Section B3, Row E, Seat 7)

I love you so much, thank you for saving my life.