The Age Of Not Believing

Mom starts a third brand new treatment next week. Another attempt at helping her survive. Me? I’m entering a scary brainscape where idk how the fuck to survive without her. I wasn’t raised to be independent of her, I’m absolutely fucked when the day comes. The mortality of our parents is intense yall, it’s almost been a year of fighting cancer for us, which in itself is a blessing because a lot of cancer patients don’t live this long, but we really fucking need a breakthrough. I’m processing. I’m about to find god or something I stg.

There’s an endlessness within me harbouring all of the weight I’ve been handed this last year. I drag it around like a cloth laundry bag, the laundromat is always “just one more block” away.

I got fired and for the first week off I was super solid and productive and being okay, and this second week I’ve been worrying and going to bed after 2am and waking up at 8am and struggling and panicking about life and how to be functional etc etc etc and now I’m here so I can offload these overwhelming thoughts because I’m pretty sure it was this space that for me through it the first time. Anxiety has become a big big problem in my life and I’m working hard to recover and regain control, even though it often feels like I have none. Anyways. Hello. Goodnight.

Back again lmao

I am so annoyed by how quickly I hate myself when I look at you. Like what kind of poison do I need to shake from my system wtf.