eric c

Today we sit down with pop music sensation Macklernore, not to be confused with the Macadamia nut, or the Macadamia man, the man who is made of macadamia nuts.

ERIC: Mackelmoar, tell me a little bit about yourself.

MACKLEMORE: In fourth grade I thought I was gay because I kept my room clean. Also I jacked off a bunch of dudes. But I’m not gay though. I am a rapper and rappers are NOT gay. Also in fourth grade I cooked a gerbil in a microwave. I felt so bad I threw the microwave through my neighbor Cindys window.

ERIC: Awesome, interesting stuff. So you’re a rapper, tell me more about that.

MAKYMORT: I started rapping in fourth grade. My stepdad used to whip me with chains in the basement and one day I said I’m going to become a famous rapper because I’m definitely NOT gay. Rapping comes easily to me and I don’t have to write anything down. I can do something for you off the top of my head if you want.

ERIC: Please do, Mankeymort

Mantelmork pulled open a drawer and pulled out a notebook where he clearly writes out his raps. The pages were doodled with massive penises and extremely detailed frogs. Why was he so good at drawing frogs? He began to read from the page.

MACKEL: Yo my name is Macklemore and I like to get paid, I jacked off dudes in middle school but I’m not gay. I am the best rapper alive I love Ryan Lewis, I like to keep my room clean, poop poop and piss.

ERIC: Hell yes.

MACKLE: Hell yes.

At this time, Macklemore was bleeding from his ears for no reason. I didn’t feel comfortable asking why.

ERIC: So what’s next for you?

MACK: I want to invent a new music genre called Macklecore. Also I want to do a track with Justin Bibbler that kid is straight dope. I want Guy Fieri to pound me behind a Red Lobster. And I want to be put in a vacuum seal bag and beaten with sticks by 4 strong men all named Brayden.

ERIC: Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. Thanks for taking this time to speak with me, Mäçkimœr.

MACK: you got it. Now I’m gonna go pop some tags haha. Like the song I made with Ryan Lewis.

Steve Johnson, and his wife, Ashley, heard the news on December 5th of 2014. Steve had been battling old age for years now and was not seeing any improvements in his health. The doctor said he had only 3 days to live. "Steve is a really old guy, you know? Got to be at least 65. I haven't looked at his medical records yet. But you know, I'm a doctor. He's not going to be around much longer. I can smell it on him. Also feces and sausage." 

After they heard the news, Steve and his wife went out to their favorite up-scale restaurant, Applebees. 

"We like to come here sometimes. The workers here are very quiet. It's a quiet place. It's almost as if everyone is sad here at Applebees." said Steve. 

While eating dinner, Steve pulled a small black box from his coat pocket. 

"I want you to have this, Ashley." He opened up the box to reveal his first set of dentures. "These were my first set of dentures. I want you to have these before I die. It will be something you can remember me by."

"Wow," said Ashley. "I am mildly emotional right now. Not extremely emotional, because the gift is your dentures, but the thought of it is making me somewhat emotional. Thanks."

1. Vegetables don't help you grow big and strong. They kill you. They will pretend they are your friend, and just when you least expect it, they will choke you to death.

2. Vegetables are racist.

3. A vegetable can sometimes be used as a shoe or telephone.

4. Vegetables killed my wife Sharon. I miss you Sharon.

5. Vegetables can be grown in the backyard. Also in my cousin Jeff's ass.

6. Wolves do not eat vegetables. That's why they're mysterious and cool as fuck.

7. Dump a bucket of vegetables on your neighbors head for a fun prank. Then kill him.

8. Are you into sports? Vegebatlesj vegetables like lettuce can also be used as a basketball. You'll be scoring points in no time.

9. You can find veggies (slang term for "vegetables") in your local grocery store. But you can never find your true self.

Today in sports the soccer game happened. (You know, the one where people die) MAny reporters were on the scene of the games. Witnesses said "I've never seen so much sports" and "I cant believe James is playing THAT way again?" 

The score of the game was tied 0-0 after six hours of gameplay. Mia Hamm, the girl soccer player, lost a leg after hunting a wolf the night before. She was unable to play today. Today, she scored six points against the Washington teams. Witnesses said "Cant believe she played like that... after losing a leg? I've only seen that in a few other soccer games" and "Wow soccer, its the sport that you want to see..." 

David Beckham, the guy soccer player, blew out his left shoulder after a run in with a confused doctor on the field. "He came out of nowhere...and he was a doctor. like a big doctor. He had hands like a frog. I've never seen that in sports." said David. After the accident, Ddavid sat out on the sideline and cried like a big baby. Spectators sat in the stands. If a sports match is big enough, god shows up. Many school fraternities showed up to the game. They brought eggs and printer paper as per tradition. They were cheering most of the game, except when the field was on fire. In the playoff games, the field will be on fire the entire game, says one coach. This is going to damage the players feet, the primary tool used in soccer. 

I know there are some up and coming green smokers in 2013 and I want to help you out and make you educated before you venture into satans green psychedelic garden. here are the Ten Snoking Commandments .

1. Always Be Mellow if you smoke pot and you get high, you have to be mellow. sometimes, if you're not mellow, you will explode.

2. Dont Smoke Weed Unless Youre High On Weed Already because of this rule, nobody in the world can ever smoke weed. Nobody has ever smoked. Disregard all further rules.

3. Dont Get Crazy save the "hitting" for your pieces, not your friends. nobody likes an angry stoney boy.

4. Do Not Ever Smoke Pot or Weed.

5.Be Safe smoking chronic bonic can impair your driving skills. keep yourself safe by selling your car and buying weed. Sell the weed for money and now you have infinite money (again)

6. Dont Let Mom Know sometimes moms arent cool with getting down with the brown (or green). Buy Eyedrops. Place a few drops in her drink. her diarrhea will be so severe she wont be able to tell if your high

7. i ran out of commandments