dear scientists or god,

12/23/20

Lately, the majority of my days consist of this internal battle as to whether or not I want to be here. Not in a suicidal way but then also maybe not entirely in any other way. I recently read that the oldest suicide note was written in Egypt about 4000 years ago, the original translator titled it ‘Dispute with the Soul of One Who is Tired of Life’. 

...god, I’m exhausted. 

The other day I compared a nurse’s ability to deal with death to that of a serial killer. The person I was talking to stared at me slightly concerned and I hated that I couldn’t stop seeing it.

I carry so much of it with me but it also never feels like enough. 

I remember room numbers and family members but never really faces.  

Velimir, I stared at your monitor more than I ever stared at you. I felt my heart drop with yours every time you tried to die. I’m glad I wasn’t there when you eventually did.

Most days, I feel guilty that I am here and all of you aren’t and I don’t know what to do with that guilt. 

I struggle not seeing your lives as more valuable than mine because I got to see the beginning of what happens to your families when you’re gone. 

‘You’ve got a hero boner’ was the worst description of why I stay…   i don’t get it. 

I never leave feeling like a hero. 

Heroes save. 

2/27/21

2-19-2020

JPM died at 0233. From what I gathered, J immigrated from Morelia, Michoacan. J’s family was divided by a border. 

J had three kids and a girlfriend. 

   He called her trompuda... ‘haz de querer que te bese por eso andas de Trompuda.’

Love is sweet. 

I can’t imagine loving someone so much and having no say. 

Whoever I end up with, whoever you are.

I hope you know that I will never allow you not to have a say.  I love you now, even if I don’t know you. I’m just learning how to love right. I’m sorry it’s taking me so long.

 Good things take time. 

I hope I never fall off a roof and leave you wondering why I haven’t called. 

I’ll call you. 

everyday.

I hope you never have to start again, that you always have saldo on your phone, that whoever loves me loves me enough to get a hold of you, that you never experience things that just don’t make sense, and that my brain works for as long as you need it to. Hopefully, until the day I die. 

But J, for you-

I hope you weren’t scared as you fell, that you were having happy thoughts while on the roof, that it had been a kind day, that you ate something good, that you listened to your favorite type of music, that your kids loved you and you knew. Man, I hope that you felt the amount of people around you while you passed. 

I hope they eventually agreed. That if Mexico was where your heart was... that it got its body back too. 

I hope every bit of peace was with you. 

5/17/19

dear scientists or god,

I really need whoever to invent teleportation for me, v quickly… you see I think I could actually do this thing right if I could just get one more try.