whenever i say i don't agree with punishing "difficult" kids, i often get people (usually older people) rolling their eyes, or telling me, "that's optimistic. clearly you haven't worked with really bad kids."
and okay, fair enough - i've never worked in, say, a young offender's institution, or a secure children's home. i've mostly worked in schools. i haven't seen firsthand how bad it can get. i still don't think punishment actually works, and i also think that even kids who misbehave on purpose (and kids do misbehave on purpose; it'd be naive to claim otherwise) aren't doing it because it's "fun". they're doing it because they want to achieve a certain outcome, and they are using the tools that are available to them.
so they need better tools. and better options. and someone to help them figure out how to achieve that same outcome without resorting to theft, manipulation, or violence. that's not easy to do, especially with older children whose behavioural patterns are more entrenched, but it's infinitely more effective and less traumatising than punishment.
i want to illustrate this by talking about a former student of mine. i never actively disliked any of the children i worked with, but i do remember finding this one kid very difficult to warm to. i'd been warned before meeting him that he was a Bad Kid, and i soon found out why. he swore, spat, screamed, threw things, stole or destroyed other people's possessions, and was verbally and physically aggressive towards both me and his classmates.
i could deal with all that. what bothered me was how manipulative he was. he was a bully, but it was hard to catch him at it; he had a knack for sussing out when certain children were having a rough time, and then he'd subtly needle and torment them until they exploded - hitting him or themselves, tearing up their work, kicking desks over, having a sobbing meltdown, etc. after which he would come to me and gleefully inform me that so-and-so had "been bad", clearly with the expectation that i would then punish them (which, obviously, i did not).
this behaviour seemed very calculated, which is why i found it unnerving. but the why kept niggling at me. why was he doing this? what did he want the outcome to be?
and as soon as i thought about it, it was obvious. he wanted validation ("well done for telling me, that was very responsible!"). he wanted to feel powerful. he wanted everyone else to be exactly as angry and unhappy as him. he wanted to not be seen as the Bad Kid - or he wanted his peers to know what it was like to be the Bad Kid. it was intentional, but it was also a product of helplessness and desperation.
as soon as i realised that, i stopped feeling unnerved by his behaviour and just felt profoundly sad. at just seven years old, this kid had already fully internalised the idea that he was Bad, and the only way he could make himself feel better was by forcing other people to be Bad as well. viewed through that lens, his behaviour made complete sense. if your lot in life is to be Bad, and you can't change that, why would you even bother trying to be Good?
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